S1 EP28: KIMIKO EBATA

Join Nicoa as she interviews the amazing Kimiko Ebata! Ki is the founder of Ki Coaching LLC and is a member of the Forbes Coaches Council. As a career coach and transition expert she empowers mission-driven professionals to catalyze a career that counts...just like Nicoa, she helps people identify and implement a LIFE BY DESIGN, a life that’s worthwhile and the kind of life you are excited and inspired to wake up and LIVE each day. She shares HER Life By Design and tips and exercises to help you do the same! 

A champion for diversity and inclusion, Ki has advocated for positive change within UN conference rooms, Wall Street boardrooms, and the classrooms of Ivy League institutions, all in an effort to empower individuals with unique stories to achieve their potential in school, in the workforce, and beyond.

Ki's WEBSITE:  KI COACHING
Ki's INSTAGRAM: @CAREERCOACHKI

Buy your copy of YOUR LIFE BY DESIGN: A Coffee With Nicoa Self-Care Coaching Journal
on Amazon today! 

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Okay, so it is so it's funny because the video makes it look like are off, but I know that the recording is the same.

KIMIKO EBATA: 0:29

Okay? Okay, I'll trust you with this. I feel like we're in some sort of gym or a class.

Nicoa Coach: 0:37

I love it. So everybody listening, we just did this 123 Clap thing, which my, my editing guy makes me do. And it's so embarrassing, but it actually is entertaining. It gets us all energized. So Kimiko I am so excited to have you. Hi, Nicoa

KIMIKO EBATA: 0:52

i It's so fun to be with you today. Thank you so much for having me.

Nicoa Coach: 0:55

I'm going to take just a second to do a quick overview of your amazing background. So much to talk about, like I couldn't even wait for this interview. And I just want to shout out to Ginny lady who made the introduction for us, Ginny is my friend as if you have not yet listened to the interview listeners. I did a coffee with Nicoa with my good friend Ginny, who's in the coaching and HR world, just like key. So yeah, Kate, I don't think I've even asked you how you knew Jenny?

KIMIKO EBATA: 1:25

Yeah. First and foremost, I feel so lucky to have been connected to you through Jenny LaVey just a former guest and a prior neighbor I just learned and very lucky number of years back when you lived in Colorado, what a special human Jenny is from her marathon running as a mom of two to her entrepreneurial journey up to this point to her Mo. I work when I want where I want and with who I want and projects I love. I mean, does it get more than that Nicola. Needless to say, I'm so glad that our stars aligned through Jenny to have this conversation today.

Nicoa Coach: 2:00

And you're in Colorado as well. Is that where you guys met? Was it through the HR world?

KIMIKO EBATA: 2:05

We did meet through a friend actually a dear friend, Bethany O'Connor and I feel so lucky to have been connected to her.

Nicoa Coach: 2:12

Oh, perfect. Well, you're as inspiring I can tell I've already been doing so much homework on you. I read the medium article. I mean, I'm just in love with you. So I'm so glad we're now connected. Let me share with everybody your amazing background, Career Coach, transition expert. I really like your focus of empowering mission driven professionals to really catalyze a career that counts one that's worthwhile. I mean, when we talk about life by design, we're talking about the kind of life you don't need a vacation from Will you really highlight it, you know, I want my clients to wake up feeling inspired each morning, feeling engaged and valued during their workday and then returning home or returning from their their home office to the living room, right, fulfilled every night, you know, knowing that they made some sort of difference. Key you have really set yourself up professionally in the last few years. It looks like you've gotten associated with the Forbes coaches Council. You've already been interviewed and multiple magazines as our reference. I read the article on Medium by the guy I forget his name. Savio, Clement or Clemente Clemente Clemente. Yeah, beautiful article about you. And you've gotten yourself established with a website, Ki K i dash coaching.com. Is that correct? Absolutely. And my favorite is your your visibility on Instagram at Career Coach key. No, you guys have got to like if you want to pause the interview right now and just go follow key right this minute. I mean, not only is she giving you sound solid advice, about you know, diversity and inclusion. I mean, this girl comes from the background of being in UN conference rooms, Wall Street boardrooms, classrooms, from like Ivy League institutions. I mean, this, she's just so amazing. She also is really funny. My favorite, where's your most recent post, where you're like, when you're when you're asked spontaneously in the meeting all of a sudden to share your screen. Share, tell everybody what you posted.

KIMIKO EBATA: 4:27

It was. Basically, we've all been in those awkward zoom situations, right? We where we get accidentally or unexpectedly asked to share our screen with everyone else on the call. And we are not focused on the topic of that meeting and are being the ultimate multitaskers that we are with 10 different tabs open. Right and so when you get asked to unexpectedly share your zoom screen and you do so and you're caught in that situation, right? There's quite a shuffle to have to close all of those tabs. So Feel free to check it out. It's been so fun to share this journey with you all. And Nicole, I have to say that even though we haven't met, the energy that you exude, even through the screen, or air pods, you name it is infectious with each of your episodes. It's as though your audience is just sharing a cup of coffee on your porch and exchange we're doing what is the damn chatting about life with you. So I love seeing people and living and working in their zones of genius. And from the looks of that this is true for you.

Nicoa Coach: 5:29

Key you do not surprise me at all with your style and approach. I mean, the the epitome of professionalism, and you always seem to turn it towards the other person. But today's interview is going to be all about you. And you know, real quick, I just want everybody to know that. She's just not coming out of the woodwork here. I mean, Ki is global. She's traveled the world. She has an MA from the Heller School for Social Policy and Management from Brandeis University, and a BA in International Affairs from the University of Mary Washington. So key, we're not going to jump into all the corporate stuff, we're going to jump into your origin story like your history, I want to know. First, how do you define a life by design? And then I want you to kind of take us through how you got here. So start with your definition. What does that sound like for you?

KIMIKO EBATA: 6:24

Sure. Nicoa. So most people, when we say design, right, they think about their chair that they're sitting on or the smartphone, right that they have in their hands. But what we often forget to think about is that every design started with a problem. Chairs, for instance, were created because someone somewhere wanted to solve a big problem. The problem of sitting on rocks causes sore behinds, right? So now, when each of us are faced with a problem in our lives, let's say and outgrown relationship, or maybe we hate our jobs, these are situations when we often have a desired outcome. But we more often than not, it feels like there's no clear solution in sight. This is where a life by design, in my opinion comes into play. And so these are the times when you brainstorm, you get really curious, you peel back the layers of your own story reflecting on how you got to this place, you talk to others, you try new things, and you keep building your way forward. This is how one creates a life by design. So to put it simply, to me, a life by design is one that's generative. It's constantly creative, productive, rate changing, evolving. And there's always a possibility of surprise to me, which is the best part in terms of how my personal story dictated my life by design. You know, I'd say that I've always been super fortunate to have been raised in a family that has been, I was really lucky to grow up in an incredibly loving and diverse family. One, both in terms of my biracial identity and dual nationality, and with parents who helped me to embrace and celebrate my diversity, doing whatever they could to expose me to different perspectives and ways of living, which led me to pursue a degree in International Relations in undergrad and to go on to live abroad and for most of my 20s, Japan, Thailand, and in Sub Saharan Africa and a tiny enclave nation called the SU two. During my time in the Peace Corps side note, I definitely want to exchange travel stories with you at some point, I think I saw that you've been to 30 countries what a dream. But and I'd say that it was from being exposed to all of these different cultures, professional experiences, and to different role models have all kinds, most of all diversity of experience that I was able to start to see my diverse background as more of an asset rather than a deficit, which allowed me to use this life by design process and approach to carve out a life that's been meaningful, joyful, fulfilling, and one that I can someday hopefully look back on and say that was worthwhile and right for me,

Nicoa Coach: 8:58

Oh, for sure. Would you share with us your diversity, you have a unique dynamic in the family. Tell us about that, and what it was like growing up with a diverse background,

KIMIKO EBATA: 9:10

certainly, as a child I grew up and I'll be honest with you feeling not at home, in my own skin as the daughter of a Japanese, Caucasian or Japanese Canadian father and a Caucasian American mother, who both again were incredibly loving parents, I often felt that I was living with one foot each in two very different worlds, almost like a walking contradiction. And so even though I was fortunate enough to be raised in an incredibly loving family, right, in one world, I often felt to Japanese for Americans and to American for my Japanese family members or to Canadian for Americans and to American for Canadians, right. We moved around a lot and so I was constantly in transition. And this forced me to have to routinely connect with my new surroundings and who I was and each of these new identities and each new place. And it was only I'd say in college that I was able to embrace this hybrid or chameleon like ways, seeing all again, as an asset as opposed to a deficit. I was the oldest child and the only daughter and my family. And I think like many of us, in today's society, I constantly internalize the need to perform right to perfect, and to please, while also protecting my two younger brothers. And so with their families, frequent moves between two countries in two states, I was forced at an early age to evaluate my surroundings, again, is that protector of my two younger brothers, which turns out, can take a lot out of you when the entire world is trying to tell you who you're supposed to be. And so this desire to perform and please persisted, I'd say, into my early adult years, and as a young professional, like many of us, and I'm sure you can relate to this Nicoa Based on your impressive career trajectory to date, right, I constantly was following the career paths that I thought I should follow rather than those that I actually cared about. I was the classic box checker. And I marched to that resolute beat of effort equals outcome, effort equals outcome, right? A follower of that secure path, right to get all of those gold stars. Right. And, you know, I taught in Sub Saharan Africa through the Peace Corps check. You know, I worked in inner city school systems check, right, I helped to create meaningful campaigns and policy with the UN check. Right, I worked on Wall Street for a well known education, foundation check. But bottom line was I knew how to achieve and I knew how to please and how to get to the next level. But no one ever taught me how to dig deep inside to figure out what I actually cared about, which is empowering. And I'm gonna

Nicoa Coach: 11:49

interrupt, I want to know what did it feel like being you during that time? Because, I mean, I was the ultimate box checker as well, I'm, I kid you not. When we got our senior yearbooks, I literally looked at the list of accomplishments next to my name, counted them, and compared myself to all of the other seniors to see if I quote unquote, had won. I'm not kidding you. I was so addicted to the achieving. And that effort equals outcome. It believing that that made me enough that I had somehow one high school,

KIMIKO EBATA: 12:29

right, maintaining that good student, good girl status. But my dad was so

Nicoa Coach: 12:35

proud. Right. So yeah, so what were theirs? What did it feel like to be you? And were there some moments that began to erode into your belief system around that that you might share?

KIMIKO EBATA: 12:48

Yeah, so I often felt again, like I was living with one foot in each of these two very different worlds, both in terms of my nationality, my race, but also in terms of having one world was about thinking, and the other was about emotion, right? One World was rooted in knowledge, tangible realities. And the other for me was grounded in intuition or the intangible. And I'd say that my education and diverse professional experiences had helped me to develop my intellect, right. But my intuition and my own truth somehow was lost in that process, I had learned to take cues. And this is after many years of reflection from my surroundings, right, the nine to five, climb the ladder NYC grind, instead of listening inward to what I knew to be true. And I think the worst part is that while I developed fantastic analytical skills, through my education, and in graduate school, I then applied those skills to my own dreams for my future, and played the role of Skeptic instead of using them to be my own ally. And so, you know, that's a little bit about my story, and sort of what I was like before starting the self process. Give

Nicoa Coach: 14:03

me an example, though, of the emotional piece like when did you start tapping into that? Self awareness, that emotional intelligence for you? I mean, did you have some breakdowns was there? Was there some aha moments, I think there's some reference you make to the job application that you thought you wanted in NYC? While I

KIMIKO EBATA: 14:25

loved many aspects of my life in New York, and the work that I did in New York City with the Posse Foundation, for the most part, an organization that sends historically underrepresented and talented students, both urban public high school students and post 911 veterans, to top colleges and universities and these supportive cohorts. While I loved the work that I did, I had faced the truth that many of the real dreams that I had for my career, right to be doing something highly creative, entrepreneurial, and in the personal Growth field. They were all buried in graduate school with all of the box checking, and the ladder climbing that I was doing in New York City. And then one fateful evening, just a few weeks before the pandemic hit in the winter of 2020, I attended a happy hour for Brandeis University alumni in New York City, where I met with two friends who previously didn't know one another. I was the common denominator, and I came back from the bar, it was a happy hour right to find them both talking about how I wasn't meant to be in philanthropy. They both thought that I would make the best coach instead. And so I've returned to my office that night Nicoa After that happy hour, only to find two LinkedIn messages from two complete strangers asking for help in their job search, which, you know, I mean, talk about a wink from the universe, right? And fast forward six months, I was driving cross country to launch my coaching company, it's been a wild but fun journey, to say the least.

Nicoa Coach: 16:01

Oh, my gosh, well, that was that was a nice little first, I thought you were going to be telling me you overheard them talking bad about?

KIMIKO EBATA: 16:10

Well, that was the first part of the conversation that I missed.

Nicoa Coach: 16:14

I can hear you guys talking about me.

KIMIKO EBATA: 16:19

She was never meant to interview for this role. What is she thinking?

Nicoa Coach: 16:25

Oh, my gosh, well, I think that they clearly saw a skill that you have, which is that's quite prevalent in the work that you're doing now. But I'm still curious, I think there's more Tell me a little bit more about the personal, you know, what was the cost of that life to you? From a personal perspective? Or, you know, did you find yourself burnt out frequently. I mean, I, obviously projecting a little bit of my own experience where although I loved what I did, and I was really good at it. At the end of the day, I felt like I had to compromise in order to have that life. And I began to question Do I have to compromise to be at this level and make this kind of money? And the answer to that is no. But I didn't know it at the time. I'm curious. Were there any moments like that, as you began to really reflect on your life?

KIMIKO EBATA: 17:12

Yeah, absolutely. You know, I think there was certainly levels of burnout, you know, I was looking, I was looking to move away from all of the things that I had become allergic to. So I was focused on moving away from burnout, moving away, right from a boss that micromanaged me, moving away from, you know, that rat rat race where I was climbing the ladder that was leaning against the wrong wall, right. But what I learned to do in those moments, right, where I'm walking into an interview, where I've prepped for two days, and had my note cards, you know, as I was walking to the interview, reminding myself of all the reasons why I wanted that job, that Job was going to be right, the wrong route. For me in the long run, it was from those moments that I learned, you know, key, listen to your intuition. Go deep, right? Trust yourself, trust your compass, right, you've been given all the tools. Now it's up to you to take those tools and to run with them. And so, you know, really, it was looking back on my own personal and professional experiences with my career development, direct trajectory, was, it was me not realizing sort of the impact that sort of considering both the things we want to move away from, as well as the things we want to move towards. That's the recipe, right? For a life of design and a life that is, hopefully someday we can look back on and say that was worthwhile.

Nicoa Coach: 18:40

So the work you've done, that has been quite profound is there. You know, I like your story. I like your history, it seems to be a very fulfilling set of choices. What was the missing link for you? Was it just too much effort? Or you? I mean, I'm, you know, I like to dig deep in these conversations. So did you have an implication in your personal life that that was a cost? Like, what was it that made you change? Not just that conversation at the bar?

KIMIKO EBATA: 19:13

No, not just that conversation at the bar. You know, I think it was a whole host of factors, I think, you know, I said, you know, key, it's time to look at the things that you've been envious of for your whole life, it's time to look at the things that write to me and we can offer and I was working with a coach at that time, who said, envy will offer great insight into your actual desires, right? And so when you're envious of, of someone or some experience, that's a clue to what might be enjoyable for you and fitting for you in the long run. And so, now you don't have to be envious of a person's entire life, right? It could just be parts of their career or life more generally. And so really, when the pandemic did hit, I did a deep dive right and I thought about that People I was envious of right sort of overcoming the taboo nature of envy, thinking about which parts of their lives did I desire, right? I was really craving freedom, at that time, freedom from right, all of those aspects of the workplace that I just described, but also freedom to be more creative freedom to have autonomy, freedom to be able to sort of connect with a mission and connect his work that was greater than myself. So yeah, I think we as a society, and especially as women are hesitant to give space to our own desires, right and envies were so much about shoulds, as opposed to the, what is desirable. To me, it's almost like a selfish act, right. And so, you know, I really sort of did this looked at these feelings of envy to think about the life that I wanted to create in the future. And the pandemic happened, right, and sort of the great resignations happen. So it was sort of the stars aligning in this perfect storm for me. And moving out west to a place where you can really I feel like I can strongly identify with the values and the lifestyle of this place. These are my people out here in Golden Colorado. So I think it was a whole host of issues.

Nicoa Coach: 21:15

You know, did you know that Colorado is the one state in the United States that has the highest percentage of individuals that move there without a job.

KIMIKO EBATA: 22:29

And they're choosing a lifestyle, right? Chasing freedom, they're chasing that notion that they can connect with something that's greater than themselves, be it the Rocky Mountains, or that lifestyle that they've been craving for so long.

Nicoa Coach: 22:43

And you know, for those who are on the spiritual path, you know, Colorado actually is a vortex in our world. So it has a high energy vibration. And it's also a lack of humidity. So I loved living there, my hair look great all the time.

KIMIKO EBATA: 22:59

Hair products just work differently out here as someone naturally curly hair. Yeah, I'm going back east to this summer. I'm like, preparing myself for this new full time job of learning to tame my man with the humidity.

Nicoa Coach: 23:13

Oh, I highly recommend the Brazilian blowout. So just go for it before you head back. But you said some really great things. I really love listening to your perspective, key because one thing you threw in there is you said, Well, I had a coach at the time. And oftentimes when we find ourselves burnout, overwhelmed, and we can't clarify what it is that we actually want, outside of what we've been told we want. Coaching is really a powerful way to parse that out. And I had never heard that angle of leveraging what you envy as an opening an entry point for how to create a life by design. So I'm writing that's definitely a tip I'm taking away for sure. And I'm sure that you have a ton of other strategies that you'd love to share. Why don't we do this, let's take a quick coffee break. And then when we come back, talk us through some of those strategies that maybe you glean from your coaching experience and then some that I know you must have created yourself, now that you've been out on your own. So let's go have a sip of that coffee, and we'll be right back.

KIMIKO EBATA: 24:18

Sounds great Nicoa.

Unknown: 24:20

We hope you're enjoying listening to this episode of Coffee with Nicola. Make sure to subscribe so that you never miss an episode and follow Coffee with Nicoa on Instagram to find inspiring content that will help you begin creating your life by design.

KIMIKO EBATA: 24:35

You are such a fun and this is so fun. Really. I appreciate just your candidness your candor, your humor, your authenticity, I'm so full transparency like yeah, I'm I am learning to become more I'm trying to lean in to some of those. Right? It's like, yeah, some of those steep experiences, right? Like, I was like, I had, you know, in New York City, I moved to New York because I was engaged at the time, right. And he kicked me to the curb. And I'm, I'm still learning to walk that line. Right. I talked about it in the medium article, but I yeah, I haven't sort of gotten it down pat for these types of formats.

Nicoa Coach: 25:18

That's what I was trying to get, you know, obviously. So, my friends, for everybody listening. So our sweet friend key here was in love and had been engaged and was about to go on this beautiful life by design. You know, American, you know, Japanese Canadian dream.

KIMIKO EBATA: 25:39

Trophy Wife. Yeah, it was gonna be trophy wife in New York City. Yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 25:45

And you literally in the interview and the article you said you're sitting on the side of the road with you're looking at the gravel in the road. This guy has dumped your ass and you're like, What? Are you kidding me? You must have been in shock.

KIMIKO EBATA: 26:01

I'm homeless, right? I'm moving it over the course of five taxi cab rides, right the taxi driver. I tipped in a zoo, but I had hangers. I mean, talk about right a movie scene.

Nicoa Coach: 26:16

So you're moving out of of your apartment with him. He's like kicking your butt out, which clearly he wasn't meant to be. Or he would have been a little bit more gracious. But at any any event, you're putting your shit in a cab. Yeah. And trying. Did you know where to go? Did you have anywhere to go?

KIMIKO EBATA: 26:33

I called my brother Bless his heart. And he's five years younger than me. He was living in Brooklyn, and came up to meet me. And I remember just stumbling and falling into his arms. Right? Like you just, I was a puddle. Right? Like, you don't know who you are? You don't know. You don't know your name. Right. Like, and so yeah, it was from hitting kind of that rock bottom. Right. And, and realizing, you know, just having more depth, personal depth, I'd say and saying, you know, I don't have to live a life dictated by someone else's, you know, desires or hopes that they have for me, right? Like, I'm gonna take back my own life for all of these reasons, and that's how, you know, key coaching Woods came to be,

Nicoa Coach: 27:25

I'm so proud of you. Thank you for sharing that. That's a very vulnerable story. I can only imagine that it is mixed with, you know, shock, embarrassment. And who knows, maybe even levels of shame. And it's not about you, that was about him. But it happened for you. If we think about it that way. It happened for you, not to you. Now, in the moment. I'm sure you felt like what in the heck is just happened? And how am I going to tell everybody? You guys were already engaged?

KIMIKO EBATA: 27:54

Oh, we had I had a draft? Oh, yeah. Thankfully, the sake of the tests and been sent out yet. Right. But you have your whole life envisioned and mapped out, right. And when that rug is just taken out from underneath you. I mean, it's an incredibly powerful lesson and eye opening experience.

Nicoa Coach: 28:16

And I think what you're sharing too, is that the lesson is, wait a minute, I am my own person. And I don't have to be, you know, I even did this once in the corporate world, I was I kept asking one of my bosses, because we had a big merger, and there was going to be a lot of change. And I kept saying to him, Well, what are you going to do? Or what are you going to do? Where are you going to go? And at one point, I was having this side conversation, and he looked at me, he goes, I don't know yet. And he turned and walked. And I remember thinking, Oh, why am I trying to ride his coattails? I just need to put on my own damn coat. It was a really good dismissal of the question. And just like this shocking life change for you. You don't need to be on some guy's arm. Some guy might want to be on your arm. But then one day, that might be the case. Right? So how did you go find yourself after that? After that rug got pulled?

KIMIKO EBATA: 29:13

You know, I think I got really deep. And, you know, I looked internally, and I looked at all of the wins that I had had to date, all of the things that had my name on it, not our name on it, right? And I said, I'm going to stick it to him, right? And I'm going to go out and own right my turf in New York City and take ownership of my life and figure out what it is that I need. As a person and as an individual, right, a single woman in New York City, who had just moved there only six months prior and knew, you know, to people, I'm gonna figure out what I need, you know, what I desire and what I want for my life. Looking forward.

Nicoa Coach: 29:56

What support did you have? Did your family come to your side? Or was that difficult? I'd be I can see my mom and dad, if I'd had to make a change like that. They would have been supportive. But still, how was that for you?

KIMIKO EBATA: 30:12

You know, my family was like, Hey, you dodged a bullet. I was like, yeah, it could have told me that in a moment.

Nicoa Coach: 30:20

Thanks a lot.

KIMIKO EBATA: 30:21

Thanks Better late than never know, I had an incredibly supportive family behind me and a brother who is still to this day, you know, one of my closest friends and confidants. You know, I think it was it was finding something for me at the time you want control. When you've lost control in your life, you look to activities that will give you a sense of ownership control, and will allow you to feel more confident. So I got really into into running. That was my outlet at the time and in New York, right Central Park was right there. And so I was lucky to have that outlet and I was lucky to turn to healthy Write activity during this time,

Nicoa Coach: 31:06

and exercise no matter what shape or form, whether you're walking, or you're hitting the gym. I mean, that's going to help your mental health and help you feel more in control when your body feels good, you feel good. So that's a really great strategy. I'm glad you had access to that. So you were thinking while you were running, right, you're processing at all, you're getting the energy and the emotions out. What other resources did you leverage during that time?

KIMIKO EBATA: 31:34

You know, I think it was really just the support of loved ones and family and friends, I dove into my career, right at that time, working for the Posse Foundation on Wall Street. And, you know, figured out, okay, what wasn't working for me and my life and my career, what didn't I want, right, moving away from some of those things that I mentioned before and in the workplace, and figuring out what it was time for me to move towards instead of that. And so, you know, again, thinking about the life that I wanted, it wasn't about sort of figuring out what I wanted to do next, or the job I wanted next. But thinking about the life that I wanted for myself, that's key,

Nicoa Coach: 32:16

I call it you know, people call up all the time, and they're like, I need to leave this job, or I need to go do this. And at the end of the day, I'm like, Well, what is the lifestyle you're trying to create? Right? What so I can help you get any job you want. We can tailor your resume, we can send out all the connections and referrals and get you as many informational interviews as you want, you will get that job, you will get it. But is it going to enable the lifestyle you want and enable the way you want to feel every day? And that's the kind of examples you probably have with some of your clients right now. I mean, how do you help your clients get to that space of, of a lifestyle Creation versus just getting another job? Mm hmm.

KIMIKO EBATA: 33:03

For those who are looking to better understand what they want to move towards, or do next, it's first important to have empathy for yourself. This is what I tell my clients develop a real deep understanding for yourself and your unique needs and desires at this point in your life, not you as a fresh out of undergrad or you in graduate school. You today. Right? If you're a mom of two you today, as someone who's looking to have a family, right? Who are you? What do you believe? And what can you do? But also what do you love to do? Right? It's only once you understand these three factors, can you then go about the business of connecting those dots to carve out a life of meaning and purpose. And so here's an exercise for those who are looking to change their careers to create a life by design, reflect on and make a list of these two things. So first, the things you have an expertise in, right, and some degree of passion for a lot of people come to me and a COA and say, Well, I'm an accountant key, right? I'm good at crunching numbers. And I say, Yeah, okay, but do you like doing those things, and then they go silent, right? I want you to focus on the things that you have experience with. But also with those things that when you finish doing them, you feel energized energy is such a great metric engage. And so the second is I want you to write down the things that you have little or no expertise in, but a lot of passion for, right. And these are the two areas where you should be focusing your energy as you look to identify that thing that you want to move towards. And a job that will allow you to maximize your skill sets skill set and generate all the right kind of energy for you in the long run.

Nicoa Coach: 34:54

Oh, I love those exercises. That's excellent. You know, there's a book I often recommend, I'll keep recommending it called Five by Dan ze DRA zad Ra, and it's a kind of a fill in the blank. And it helps you identify what you know and what you want to know. And set some metrics and energy is the best metric I used to come home and say, Oh my God, that that call was just so energizing, and I'm so jacked up. So I can tell to that this is where your sweet spot is, because you you nail it, you know exactly that you're supposed to be here. So all of those experiences have really given you that foundation. You know, you talk a little bit as well about striving versus thriving, and how to measure that and questioning everything. Tell us a little bit more about how can we get somebody to really step back and begin to really understand and parse out what's important to them. Yeah, I can't drive.

KIMIKO EBATA: 35:51

Yeah, and I consider a life where one thrives to be a life by design. This is why we have such great chemistry, or what one would call a happy life rooted in purpose, right? I I like to think of it almost like a banquet Nicoa. And you can define it a lot of different ways in terms of the ingredients or in terms of the dishes. But I like to start by looking at the macro nutrients right of this meal. And from my experiences of working with hundreds of mission driven individuals who are seeking to find a career that counts and a life that they can someday look back on and say that was worthwhile. There are three macronutrients if you will, right to this, and they are connectedness, right? connectedness to a mission, or to others. Secondly, competence, feeling sense of confidence, and like they're able to move the needle on something. And lastly, autonomy, a degree of freedom, right? Being able to determine when and where and with whom they work, right. And so people who are able to strike a balance between these three things are generally happier, for my experiences, they feel like they're leading meaningful and full lives.

Nicoa Coach: 37:03

Oh, absolutely. And how can we help leaders that are already in place, and some of these organizations better tap into that for their employees, because I'm thinking about this new way of work, and so many people working from home, but connectedness, that's a bigger challenge right now, competence, clearly, that's actually less of a challenge, because people can learn that they have more time right now to learn, even though they might be still doing the same jobs, but they can multitask. And they can learn a new skill kind of in parallel, and then they have been handed more autonomy. But a lot of the leadership out there right now is having to put people back to work, put them back in the office. What advice would you give to a leader who's trying to foster these three macronutrients of a successful life because not everybody is going to quit their life and become a coach? Like you and me, right?

KIMIKO EBATA: 38:00

Although that would be a lovely world to live in. Yes. But I would say Nico, so all of this is rooted in, in scientific research of self determination theory, right? We as humans, and this is important for employers to understand have intrinsic needs when it comes to our desire to grow professionally, personally. And in order to want to continue to invest in something right to be at a company or an organization. And so these three needs need to be met by employers, right? So in terms of autonomy, giving employees, right, the autonomy to be able to determine, you know, where they work best, how they work best, with whom on what tasks, do they work best, we learned a lot of lessons throughout the pandemic, right, and we have this insight, employers just need to need to give their employees the opportunity to share this insight. Right. So and in my opinion, it would be a win win for all right, a win for the workers, but also the companies, they get more resilient, more dedicated employees who are invested in their work. So that's the first one autonomy, secondly, relatedness, right, really helping their employees get connected to the company mission, why are we choosing to do this work? Right? Why is it important for the broader society and and larger world, right, really helping employees understand how their work is connected to something greater than themselves? Right? And lastly, competence, how helping employees to feel more confident in their work by giving them the resources that they need, the opportunities to attend conferences that will help them with their professional development, really asking them, what motivates you as an employee? And how can I support you in this journey?

Nicoa Coach: 39:51

Yeah, I think that you hit it on the head there with autonomy, you've got to ask the employee, stop thinking you already know. And being more flexible about adapting to the, you know, potentially the group's needs, letting groups, self directed teams actually come up with the best flexibility for themselves, working in the office working at home, being on the road or not? The whole thing about connectedness and relatedness. I really think, too, that you have to draw this the line between the purpose of the organization and a great way that came to mind when you were saying that is how often do you conduct a meeting with your team and kick off the meeting just the first two to five minutes with a client or a testimonial, or a pain point being shared? I mean, you worked in mission driven organizations, most of these environments, it's hard to see the the ultimate impact, unless it's a nonprofit or some big Foundation, right. But in the, you know, typical corporate world, that's kind of tricky. So that's a great way to do that the competence piece training thing in development. While there's not always a lot of money and resources, there's not always a lot of conferences we can afford to send you to. So back to the mission piece. If there are organizations and foundations like the ones you've worked with, what if there are opportunities for people to just volunteer? Right? There's a leadership development opportunity. You know, I work a lot with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and they have a Fellows Program, and the people get to do it for free. And they learn how to to do you know, budgeting and influencing skills and leadership opportunities within the community of that foundation. So I can see lots of ways to intertwine those three C's or you know, connectedness, competence and autonomy that you've just shared. great takeaways. I know you've got more to share about that, that what else tells me about your pain is magic and, and your references to questioning everything? What are these tips?

KIMIKO EBATA: 41:59

Well, first, I just want to backtrack for a second. You know, I think it's important for folks to look at it from a bigger picture. So look, in today's world, the reality is that 80% of American the American workforce is disengaged and uninspired at work, right. This is a crisis for employers. Can you imagine Nicoa, if we flip this, to having 80% of people feeling engaged and inspired each day, right, where they bounce out of bed on Monday mornings, and they come home, knowing that they've made an impact to me, if we can make people happier at work, the place where we spend the majority of our waking hours, we would then have better spouses, we have better parents, right? And more resilient organizations and communities. And so this is why I do the work that I do. And this is my mission and my primary motivator, because, again, if you can make folks happier at work, we'll have a happier world.

Nicoa Coach: 42:58

Oh, I love that so much. Yeah, I had a company once called roving coach, and our mission was to create world peace in the workplace, one employee at a time. Right, so it's that employee piece. So yes, we just gave some advice to some leadership. But ultimately, as an employee, if you have if you're reporting into leaders, don't sit around my advice, don't sit around and wait for them to have figured out the advice we just gave them. Right? You've got to go deep for yourself. First and foremost. Right?

KIMIKO EBATA: 43:32

Right. And on that note, you know, I think for so long, like many of us, I had it backwards, I never started by asking myself, What is my why, right? What is my own mission? I always started with the question of what I wanted to do, or who I wanted to be right, that box checker, I was so attuned to this box box checking phenomena and the pleasing and perfecting that the education and the quote unquote, success I'd had somehow achieved had not added up to my own belief in myself and my own belief that I was worthy of a fulfilling and meaningful life. And so really, it is about thinking about what is your why, right? How do people know you? How do they what are the unique gifts that you have that others celebrate? In you write for me at that happy hour that Brandeis University happy hour, right? Other folks told me that they felt inspired every time they interacted with me, what are your own unique gifts? So another great exercise is to go to your nearest and dearest uses. Usually partners and spouses are a little too close for comfort, but go to a close friend or colleague and say, what is it about me that makes me unique? Why would you choose to call me up instead of all the hundreds of other folks that you could call up in this moment? Right? And they might come back to you? And they might say, oh, like, Nicoa, right? You're generous, you're energetic, right? You're charismatic? And you're like, No, no, no, no, I want you to be specific. Give me a specific instance, when you called me up, as opposed to all of those other folks that you know, right. Why was that and that will help to give you an indication as to what your unique y is.

Nicoa Coach: 45:15

I love that. Yeah. Simon Sinek talks a lot about the why. So everybody, check it out. And really ponder your why and write it down and then write down if you have to start like he says, start with what you hate. Like what you don't like, that's not my why, who you what I mean, think about it this way key. Did anyone ever pause and ask you when you were getting ready to go off to college? Why you were doing that? Like why are you doing that?

KIMIKO EBATA: 45:43

Never right? We're talking about all of those prerequisites that we need to take for graduation. Right? But why are we here? What is the legacy that you want to leave for your little ones for your friends, family when your time on this planet is through thinking about those questions? Those will help To get you right to the place that you need to be, and that's probably going to be the best fit for you in the long run. You know what, how do you want to leave this planet? What do you want there to be more of? or less of? Because you were here, right? And I love brawny where's the Five Regrets of the Dying? Right. And our top regret is, you know, I wished I had lived a life that was true to myself and not true to the expectations of others. And so really using the Insight Hindsight is 2020 of folks who are on their deathbeds, right to figure out how can I live a better life for myself today?

Nicoa Coach: 46:42

Yeah, and it's self care. It's not selfishness, right? It you, you choosing you first is why you're here. That's why you're on this planet. And you said something in one of the interviews that I was looking at, about separating the eye from the inner critic, and the ability to do that, too. Once you stop criticizing yourself and asking, Who do you think you are? Like, oh, my god, I can't believe you even want to do that. You're so selfish. How do we separate that I in your in your philosophy, to help that person get to that point of I do deserve a life I love. I do deserve to get up and be happy happiness is okay.

KIMIKO EBATA: 47:24

Right. And I think it's just giving yourself permission and going deep, right and listening to your intuition. I do think it is starting off by we often say, I'm a mess, right? I'm disorganized, right? I'm stressed. Right? But it's important to detach ourselves from these feelings to say, I feel stressed right now. Right? I feel like I'm experiencing Messy emotions right now. Now I feel anxious, right? That detachment is is the first step. And then once you've detached yourself from those feelings, then you can get curious about what's causing them and what's behind it. Right. Oh, I have like three deadlines this week. And stuff is happening for me personally, right? I'm moving cross country, right? Like, or oh, you know, maybe this is something this is triggering something that happened in my childhood, right? Like, with a teacher that made this comment, right? Maybe that's triggering me in that way. So it's important to first notice it, right? Notice how you're feeling, get in touch with how you're feeling, then detach yourself from those feelings. Making sure that you're not confusing yourself for those feelings, right? You are not stress, you are not anxiety you're feeling this way. And then get curious about it, right? What's behind it, and then let it go. Right? Breathe into it, and let it go. maybe now's not the time in place, maybe you can sort of address some of those things later on. But, you know, realizing that this too shall pass.

Nicoa Coach: 49:03

Damn, I love all that.

KIMIKO EBATA: 49:06

I knew we spoke the same language and

Nicoa Coach: 49:09

we're talking the same language, you know, and, and it brings us back to where you started in this conversation about empathy. If you can have the empathy for yourself in that process, it gets it makes, it allows you to create a lot more space to then make choices to move forward. You know, once I get Oh, of course, I'm moving and I'm, you know, got three deadlines. That's empathy. That's validation of where you are. And I love how you said you. Curiosity, I always say put the hat of curiosity on, right. I'm gonna wear my hat of curiosity. Oh, wow, I got really pissed off five minutes ago. I wonder what that was all about. And lighten it up. Right, though, I would just throw that into. I just love this conversation so much. You know, we could, as I say, we could talk all day. But we're about to run out of our time. So let me do this. Let's shift. First, thank you. Key for all that you have shared, and vulnerability. You're welcome. Tell us what you're working on right now. And, you know, share anything that you want the audience to know about, and maybe they can support you or participate?

KIMIKO EBATA: 50:18

Absolutely. So currently, I'm putting the finishing touches on an article for Forbes, which you can be on the lookout for. And I'm also working on a few exciting projects that aim to empower other mission driven individuals to identify, write their purpose and find meaning and their transitions, which includes doing some consulting work to help meet the needs of post 911 veterans who are transitioning from campus into postgraduate degrees or other professional pathways. And then this fall above all, I'm most excited to deepen my one on one coaching practice to help high achieving purpose propelled professionals to find their professional why while also launching a small group program that will help professionals with the same values to land the position they deserve. But more on that to come.

Nicoa Coach: 51:07

Oh, I can't wait. And we'll put all the links and all the information in the show notes of course, as usual. Key tell us how your current life by design serves you. Why is it wonderful for you to be in this life by design?

KIMIKO EBATA: 51:26

I'm most proud that I never stopped learning, right? I never stopped generating and iterating. And you know it for me it is it is about the here goes nothing approach, right, leaning into that discomfort and saying, you know, gosh, this didn't work before. Like, I'm not ready for this, right? This is so uncomfortable. Like, why am I here? Why did she select me for this podcast? Right? And leaning into that and saying, you know, here goes nothing? Right? What? Why not? Right, what's the worst that can happen? And so, you know, I've had this practice for a few years now always hearing that voice, right? You can't do this. And in this moment, you know, I'd say this life by design head has allowed me to feel more proud. And, you know, I've never, I've never let this stop me from fully recognizing my own capabilities, and just how possible my dreams are. So really, you know, just continuing to lean in continuing to show up continuing to go deep. And to helping others helping others do the same.

Nicoa Coach: 52:35

Oh, I think it's quite beautiful the way you described it, and I feel you're shifting, I feel I can, there's a line I often quote about from a song called, I can't, I can never remember the name of the song, but the line goes like this, I see the part of you that only when you're older, you will see too. And it's just when I hear you speak, and knowing what I know about your background, and having gone through this beautiful little relaxing transformation, even in our own dialogue today, I see you and I see that you are going to be thriving, even more like so much more that I mean, I have done this for 15 years, and you've been doing it what three or four now. So please keep me abreast of how you evolve in this coaching world and I would be happy to be a resource for you as a sounding board as you continue to grow your business because I see you you got it, you're nailing it and this is going to be a very successful part of your next phase of life.

KIMIKO EBATA: 53:38

Oh Nicoa It was it was such a pleasure and and truly an honor and I would just encourage folks who are listening you know whenever your own uncertainty arises go deep right go beneath the swirling fear that conditioning right the box checking in those critical voices to really uncover your own guide right your own intuition your own true now north as you say, Nicoa right, your own source of deepest self and then just learn to trust it.

Nicoa Coach: 54:07

Yeah, it's all about trust. Absolutely. I trust that people will benefit from this conversation today and I cannot wait to air it and we'll time it so it's aligned with the things that you're working on so people can quickly jump in to whatever it is that you've launched so thank you key word to so

KIMIKO EBATA: 54:26

fun your world Oh, you are such an energy generator for me truly I love you know, the espresso shots and really keep keep iterating keep creating keep inspiring, like I love watching you on social media and just how you show up so authentically for your folks. So know that oh, I'm I'm in deep admiration for your work. And I'm saying the same same that's to come for you. So yeah, I hope this is certainly not the end of this conversation. But yeah, I hope there was a lot of fun. I hope it was helpful. You think for your audience. Oh, I know it was hell. fashional angle but

Nicoa Coach: 55:03

yeah, no, this was perfect. It's one big love fest

KIMIKO EBATA: 55:07

love you love it.

Unknown: 55:12

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicola for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow coffee with Nicola and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N I CoA. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then.