S2 EP35: TRISHA BOWKER, AGAIN!

Guess who is BAACCKK ?! Trisha Bowker from Season 1 EP21 - Nicoa does a check in with her former client and reflect on so many changes that have unfolded! Listen in to her journey of some significant life changes and career shifts all in line with her LIFE BY DESIGN. If you'll recall Trisha was about to make a major career shift - what happened? Trisha emphasizes the importance of self-care, therapy, and learning to accept help along the way in her life of decisions and life's curve balls including the impact of her mother's breast cancer diagnosis. A down to earth realistic LIFE BY DESIGN we can all likely relate to!

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:00

Nicoa, grab your coffee and join me, Nicoa, for a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths, and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Hey girl. Hey Trisha belker, again. Here you are. Welcome back to the podcast. Oh my God. What a year and a half since we spoke, and I don't even know when you and I spoke after that, like it's been at least a year since we talked.

Trisha: 0:40

I think so, yeah, it's, it feels like it went by so fast, but it also feels like a lifetime ago as well. Well, I

Nicoa Coach: 0:48

know you have a lifetime's worth of updates to share with us. Just a quick reminder to everybody and and by the way, I just, I just sent a repost on my Instagram story of your episode. Oh my gosh. And I tried to listen to the whole thing before we got on today. I was like, fast forwarding, but I was like, okay, so that thing, we didn't do that, but she did do that, but I want to Oh, and then she went and did this. So yo. And hey, me too. I think we should call this episode life by design, plot twist,

Trisha: 1:23

major, major, like, multiples, multiple plot twists. It's like a roller coaster. Plot even, because there's some like, dips and dives in there and then climb back up the hill.

Nicoa Coach: 1:32

I'm right there with you. Oh, my God. Well, why don't you go first? Because I just went even I was stalking you, as I do all my guests. And I was like, Oh, right. She just got that job at Pfizer, like, you know, six months ago or something. And I was like, right, but then she was doing it, and I think she moved all right, I'll shut up, yeah.

Trisha: 1:51

So the last time I spoke to you, I was still living in Wilmington, and I was working at Pfizer, and I was like, Oh, my God, I have to get out of corporate, because it's just like, it's a great job, but I'm so unhappy because of all the things that are corporate, you know. And actually, as a life coach, you helped me so much with being able to manage that sort of work life rhythm, and, you know, not walking away from a really great position at a company that I do need right now and I'm still there. Yeah, I did get a promotion to a senior manager title, which was awesome. So I thank you for your help and keeping me grounded and in a good place.

Nicoa Coach: 2:30

So welcome my pleasure and

Trisha: 2:33

but at the time, I was looking at getting into some of that social media marketing space that was all the rage. It's all over like it's very viral in a lot of my social media feeds. I did invest a significant amount of money in trying to learn how to do that and buying silly courses, which, in fact, did turn out to be silly courses, but totally took the bait. So major lesson learned in that space, and also that I didn't really do much social media before, so it really was difficult for me to try and get into Sure. But I talked this up as to like, every successful person you see, they will tell you, like, there are so many things I failed at before I found the thing that worked. You're

Nicoa Coach: 3:17

right. I mean, my dad told me, when I did that one business that lasted four years. He took it from cradle to grave in four years. He said, Look, you didn't waste any money. You spent as much money as you would have spent on an MBA. So you got educated. He's like, it was an education, and that's what you did, too. Totally

Trisha: 3:35

did. I did gain some skills from it. I do understand better why I'm not inclined towards social media, and I'm okay with that. And, yeah, I just look at it as like, Okay, well, this was one of my trial and errors, and what can I take from it and what? And it really did help me sort of redirect where I wanted to go, and understanding like nothing is really passive income, and that's how everybody sells this social media marketing space. Oh, it's passive income. I'm like, it took hours. Yeah, not Pat, there's, you see the money come in. Like, you get paid while you're sleeping. I'm like, Well, I get paid when I'm sleeping too, because my bank draft hits at midnight on Thursday. So that's some passive income too. But So yeah, there's a lot of terms and sort of, well, how did you get

Nicoa Coach: 4:25

through the I mean, I can imagine that at some point when you began to realize that that might have been like a tough dialog with yourself. How did you quickly get through that? Or was it take you a minute? Were you nice

Trisha: 4:38

to like, I gotta say, like, the amount of money I spent on some of it really does sting, yeah, but that is, again, why I'm like, Well, this is why I have kept the good job and the good income that I do have, and I, when you and I were talking in our coaching days, like, this can be your launch pad. It doesn't have to be your identity or your forever, but use it as. Launch Pad, and that's what I did. And this launch didn't really work, but I still learned a lot. So yeah, don't dwell on the part where, you know, you lost something. There was a lot that I gained from it, and I still have a lot of those resources. So yes, I've paid silly amounts of money, but I still have them. So if it ever does come back to a place where I really need to utilize those skills, I can go back and leverage those, you know, courses and the learnings and materials and everything else. It's just not a direction. Yeah, I don't want to pursue it right now. And if your heart's not in it, then don't give up one thing that your heart's not in for another thing that your heart's not in. Well, for

Nicoa Coach: 5:41

sure, yeah, which one is going to get you at least one step yes or two, what will be that deepest hearts desire? So, right? So I think you at some point. So it was probably a year, just over a year ago, you had bought a house a different Yeah, that was my

Trisha: 5:57

next thing. But I was like, Well, this is kind of crap. I was like, I let me, you know, like, put my feelers back out there in real estate, because my condo was a wonderful move. It was the right move to make. But I was like, I need a yard. I'm not made for this kind of living anymore. And I started looking, and within seven days, I found a house, granted, it was in Jacksonville, North Carolina, but it was still close to my parents, which was really my own. My only caveat that I needed at the time, um, on a half acre, fenced in yard, 1900 square foot brick ranch with no HOA to worry about, right?

Nicoa Coach: 6:39

And going outside and being outside was a big part of your dream.

Trisha: 6:44

I needed sunlight so bad. It had a sun room that was fully enclosed, heated and cool. And I was like, that's gonna be my home office. I had that house under contract in less than 48 hours.

Nicoa Coach: 6:54

Oh my gosh, I

Trisha: 6:54

heard we got like, they they had closed out any appointments for walk throughs. I was on the phone with my agent. I was like, You tell them that we want to make an offer, but I have to at least do a FaceTime walk through for you. Turns out the listing was another woman in his office who was the selling agent, so she talks the owners into letting him just drive over real quick and do a 15 minute walk through with me on FaceTime. Wow, that was all we got. But I put in the offer, and they took my offer that night. That is so cool. It was meant to be pretty wild. And I was like, that was so much easier than it should have been. Honestly, we were, we were originally closed out all together, and then it next thing I knew, he called me, like, 730 he's like, Hey, you got the house, and it was half of what it would cost me to try and stay in Wilmington, so there's that as well.

Nicoa Coach: 7:45

So that was, you still have the house? Or did you sell I still have the

Trisha: 7:49

condo in Wilmington. The house was a good enough price point that I could afford to keep the condo and put it up for rent and buy the house. So that was pretty amazing. Also, thank goodness for my current position in corporate that I didn't want to have, but with the income, you can do these kinds of things. I was like, okay, it may not be that bad. So moved into that house that was a little over a year ago. So that's probably 15 months ago, about six months ago. I was like, You know what this corporate thing's wearing on me again? There's been a lot of shifts and restructurings. It's really not great. Everybody on my team is stressed out. We've had two people go out on FMLA because of stress and anxiety. Oh gosh, it's pretty rough. But I was like, what am I really going to do next? Like, it's been great. I've kind of been like, making a happy space in my house, but I'm like, Jacksonville's not forever. So let me start looking. So I started looking before businesses.

Nicoa Coach: 8:54

Oh, businesses to buy. I'm sorry. I was like, I need some income,

Trisha: 8:57

but I think I need to be my own boss. So let me see if there's small businesses that are up for sale that I can possibly buy. So before you

Nicoa Coach: 9:07

tell us all about that, I want to go back to the self dialog throughout this past year, and kind of those shifts, because we were still playing with that in the interview before, and you had done tons of work with me, but I could tell there was still some suffering there about that self disparagement. Tell me about your relationship with your Gremlin

Trisha: 9:27

these days, my gremlins. So the Gremlins, I think, are still there in many ways, and they definitely rear their head of, like, getting stuck in the negative spirals and, like, totally I wouldn't say unjustifiable but unidentifiable irritation, where you're just in that super irritable mood and something silly, like your cup is the wrong temperature for your coffee, and it makes your coffee cold, and you just want to, like, like, I go from zero to here. We're really fast. Sometimes I was like, This is not normal. And I could catch myself easier and understand like, this is not how you This is not you, right, bothering you, or, yeah, what's going on? Your nervous system is way too dysregulated. What is it you need? Because it's not the coffee cup that's really ruining your life right now.

Nicoa Coach: 10:21

Beautiful and so what have been some of the most powerful coping mechanisms that you've continued to use since

Trisha: 10:29

I got a dog? So having I had a cat before, dogs and cats are very different. I still love my cat to death. She is a stray that showed up at my house and stayed so she's wonderful. But as soon as I had a half acre fenced in yard, I was there for about five weeks, and I was sitting out back. I planted flowers. I was like, I need dog in this yard. So I went to the ONS county shelter and got the dog that had been there the longest.

Nicoa Coach: 10:59

What's your dog? So

Trisha: 11:01

Rosie, she's like a hound mix. She's about 55 pounds and medium sized, and super, super sweet. So having a dog again has definitely helped that, like emotional void of living alone and being, you know, single, no kids, you're alone a lot. And I work remotely, so I'm really alone a lot. Dogs are just more communicative than cats are. Congratulations

Nicoa Coach: 11:26

on Rosie and Rosie. Rosie

Trisha: 11:28

is a huge help. And then when I was just super frustrated, and at that point where I'm like, every little thing bothered me, I would literally walk away from the computer. Yeah, you know, 130 in the afternoon, I might have to be done for the next two or three hours, and I am fortunate enough that I actually can do that. So if I'm not taking advantage of that, that's on me. Well,

Nicoa Coach: 11:53

I remember you not even recognizing the power of that when we first met, because you were like, well, I have to be there. Then I was like, but do you

Trisha: 12:02

right? And that was like, that slowly sank in and understanding, like, Okay, can I actually walk away? Because I'm of that older generational thought where it's like, when you go to work, you're at work, and that's what you do, and you focus on your work and you get it done, you're eight hours, and you owe the company this. You know, it's that sort of my time, like, man, but do I? And you

Nicoa Coach: 12:24

were always getting your work done because, I mean, people listening, we're not talking about not doing the work. We're saying, No, you're a salaried employee being asked to get something accomplished. You're gonna do it in 20 hours or 90 hours. The company doesn't really give a crap. They just need you to deliver. So

Trisha: 12:44

if you deadlines, and I wasn't missing deadlines, so I was like, You know what? It's let me see if I can keep my deadlines and still take a little better care of myself and let myself walk away. Because I was also at a point where I would get so frustrated I would just not even be able to complete tasks if I did sit at the computer. So I was even wasting time. And then I feel bad because I wasted time. I wasn't even productive. I didn't take care of myself. It's like, talk about a spiral. I was like, oh my god, this is really ridiculous. Like, when I did that, step back and objective looking down at myself, I was like, so you're completely non effective in all areas, if you just walked away, well, you could at least have the rest that you need.

Nicoa Coach: 13:25

I was successful at getting you to start talking to yourself. So you're definitely a crazy lady now, which I love? Those are my favorite people. Your ability to observe, right? So what are some of the other coping mechanisms or practices or skills that you really love now that you weren't taking advantage of back then,

Trisha: 13:45

being kinder to myself for sure. Yeah, a lot of the pressure was pressure I was putting on myself and learning how to hold a boundary with other people's panic. That's still something I'm working on, but I'm much better at it. I'm also, like, still seeing it there. I'm seeing an actual therapist. Anxiety. I'm like, I'm also in depression. I don't really have that right now, but I think that I have anxiety, and I've never had that without depression, so I'm not sure what to do with that part

Nicoa Coach: 14:17

of interesting. It might just be a habit, yeah. And I was

Trisha: 14:20

like, Maybe I've actually always had it, and I didn't know, because there's that,

Nicoa Coach: 14:25

but Well, good for you. I'll be I meet with my therapist every week.

Trisha: 14:29

Yeah, I highly recommend, even if you're doing well, like, there's nothing wrong with still having a therapist you see twice a month, absolutely, but yeah, trying to manage those and not absorbing other people's urgency and panic when you don't have to. Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 15:36

I mean, people have a hard time sometimes protecting their own energy, and so they do absorb everybody else, and you're very much the caregiver. When we looked at energy leadership, you had a lot of level four energy, and so that really. Told us that it was your tendency to help others before even helping yourself. Solve

Trisha: 15:54

the problem. Solve the problem. Someone's got a problem. Let me jump in there and be the one that solves it. And it's like, Okay, that's great, and you're definitely a team player, but you can overload yourself in ways that aren't helping anyone. So by me learning to step back a little. It's also a little bit of a control issue, because if I'm solving the problem, then I can control the world around me a little better. So learning to step back and allowing the rest of my people, on my teams, on my negotiation teams, to be a bit more self sufficient also kind of makes them level up as well. So

Nicoa Coach: 16:32

I mean, it's strategic. What got you there won't keep you there at that new level. And when you have people on a team that you have to influence, I remind people all the time say, Hey, you got here because you were such a great doer. Now you need to find ways to strategically be and enable others to do for you and with you more effectively. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So

Trisha: 16:53

that's been, that's been a learning curve, and something I'm still actively working to master, um, but also in so one of the let like, dips of the roller coaster of the last year and a half is right about the time I was moving into the Jacksonville house. I think I'd been in it for was this spring after I moved in. So it was, it was this spring. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Oh, darling. And it's very early stage one, and she went immediately into treatment. The Wilmington folks got her in super fast. So for that, we were really grateful. I shaved my head, whether it's why I'm wearing a hat now, because I wearing a hat.

Nicoa Coach: 17:36

Now, I love that

Trisha: 17:39

all summer while she had no hair from chemo, but she's done great with her treatment, and we're expecting, you know, a really good outcome in the end. So

Nicoa Coach: 17:48

I'm so glad to hear that it was that's a dip, actually, like

Trisha: 17:52

for the best that I ended up moving to Jacksonville, I was only 25 minutes from being able to be there with them, and, you know, take care of the animals, or take, you know, be with my mom, my dad had to go do something, whatever it was. I could be there in 25 minutes. Um,

Nicoa Coach: 18:07

you know, Don't you wonder sometimes about kind of that divine intervention,

Trisha: 18:13

the universe totally timed all that, because I'm like, That house came across my radar in less than a week when I was just like, let me just look, oh my gosh, under contract. In 48 hours, the financing for everything fell right into place. And I'm like, my renter. I got a renter into my condo like super fast and a single woman who was actually coming out of a divorce and had lived in that condo complex 910, years ago when she met her husband. I don't know what I'm whatever you need me to keep doing. I'm gonna do universe, thank you. Thank

Nicoa Coach: 18:49

you, universe and the universe will things will be easy when it is aligned with you. It's incredible

Trisha: 18:56

how true that is. So just leapfrogging forward a little bit. So I just bought a new house, and we'll get to why I bought it, where I bought it, but I had to put my Jacksonville house up for rent. And I was like, Gosh, I really hope I get like, two Marines, or, you know, military people, because I'm right there next to the base, right like, two guys that don't have any, like, family obligations, they're bringing with them, and they can have dogs, but it'll just be two people living in the house. So it won't really take that much wear and tear, you know? I mean, I know kind of a mean thing to say, but it's true. Like, when you're a landlord, like, those are the things you're like, oh gosh, please not like a huge family, yeah, which you can't actually do, because that's against fair housing

Nicoa Coach: 19:42

laws. We all know this. We know it's okay. So you manifest

Trisha: 19:46

a pilot and a lieutenant as my answers. And they just moved in this past weekend. Oh my gosh, yay. Like, literally, if you put it out there and you're just like, This is what I need, and I believe that it exists, and this will, this can happen. And sure enough,

Nicoa Coach: 20:04

that's a great reminder. They

Trisha: 20:05

came in. I was like, Oh, thank you. It works. It works. You can, you can ask and put it out there, and the universe will give it to you when it needs to.

Nicoa Coach: 20:13

It's sure that you were doing vision boards the last time we talked to so I'm curious. Have you ever glanced back on the vision board to see what's come true? Did

Trisha: 20:21

actually, and one of the things that I had sort of put on there was like vineyards and sun rooms and stuff like that. So I got my sun room to work in. I got a garden to do, which I did all over the Jacksonville place. And the new house that I'm moving to is in Elkin, North Carolina, which is smack in the middle of Yadkin River Valley, yeah, which is North Carolina is like one of their biggest wine regions. Yeah. And Surrey County Community College is up there, and it has the wine viticulture program and wine, excuse me, wine making program, that's one of the best programs in the East Coast, unless you go all the way up to Cornell and the Finger Lakes. Oh, my God. And I had found the whole reason I like, went down that whole path, because I was really getting to that point of being fed up and frustrated, and, you know, the work place was getting really stressful, and I was like, All right, I It's time for me to look again at what my exit strategy is going to be, because the last one didn't work. I took a break and just rolled with it and moved houses and all that's been great. But what's next? Really like time to get back on that game. So I looked up small businesses for sale. And there's multiple websites that list businesses for sale. The second listing on there was a winery in North Carolina, and I was like, What? What? There's 1% had a tasting room, an event space. I mean, it was expensive, but not so expensive for getting, like, a business loan and a farm loan all that. So next thing you know, I'm on the phone to, like, the farm loan, the, AG, people work. What do I have to do? What would I need to qualify? Who? How do you get one is a realtor like, and that ball started slowly rolling, and then I started looking at, like, viticulture programs. I'm like, Oh, my God, there's one right there, ah, and it's so good. Like they I went to their open house, and I was like, Holy crap. They have an entire vineyard that they run. They have a lab where they can do all of their own testing and lab stuff that you have to do in viticulture. They have a wine making room that has all the tanks and fermentations and bottle they're bottling machine like the they can do everything you need to learn, from growing the grape to pouring the glass and running a tasty ring. So like, this is so cool. Sign me up, because it's also insanely affordable, since it's a community college, but the state is funding it, and there's, I don't know well over 100 vineyards and tasting rooms in that, just that corridor of wine region. Yeah, they all need staff that's trained well enough to work at them. So that's why it's in the middle of Surrey County, North Carolina. There's not much there, but farms and old tobacco land, but um, say I was like, Holy crap, I can totally afford to do that. Wow. You know, like, if I do the degree and then two years later, I just sell all my properties and take all the money and use that as a down payment, like I would be able to qualify for the loan to get a vineyard that's already up and running, instead of, like, starting from scratch would be too long. But I was like, I could totally buy one. There's like, four right now that are for sale.

Nicoa Coach: 23:35

Oh my gosh. And, you know, there'll be one when the time is right. That was so fantastic. Yeah.

Trisha: 23:40

And it really does combine a lot of the things I was looking for, which was, be my own boss, set my own schedule, do my own things. Have land. I've always wanted land, grow stuff, be outside. I worked in wine industry for six years in New York City. Like, yeah, so that's where the wine piece comes into it. Because I'm like, I actually was like, deep into wine industry right before I left and moved home. That was my last job I did. I was a manager at one of the biggest Italian retail stores in the city. I ran the buying and ops management for one of the biggest wine schools in New York City. Before I left, I did important distribution, like I did every little piece I could. And then came down North Carolina, I was like, I don't think I'm gonna do anything with that down here so much,

Nicoa Coach: 24:29

and then here we are again. Then here we are

Unknown: 24:32

redirected, and

Nicoa Coach: 24:35

you're still able to sustain yourself you've got, and you continue to grow in your current career. And at the end of the day, you have made a list of standards of life that you want to design. So I always joke, you can't design it if you don't define it, right? And that's like defining it,

Trisha: 24:54

yeah? And that's the hardest part, especially, I think, for someone like me. I mean, there are some people that really have, like, a road map of what they want in life. They like, I want to be a doctor, I want to be a lawyer, I want to be a scientist, I want to be like, whatever. And there's this one true passion. I'm like, I never had that, not really, like, there was a lot of things I was interested in, there were things I was interested in and there were things that I was good at, like school, which I didn't really care about, but I was really good at. It wasn't an option in my house not to be so by default, I got good at it, but figuring out, like, what's gonna make me happy and what's gonna make me happy now versus, you know, I spent most of my 20s doing whatever made me happy, but that's very different now.

Nicoa Coach: 25:37

Well, not everybody gets that. You know, I find myself an empty nest now, and in the process of divorce, I don't know if I told you that, that I hear about

Trisha: 25:45

that, and I was like, yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 25:49

Oops. Plot twist also, okay. But you know those people that have never really spent time alone, so I'm glad you had that. You kind of got it out of your system, in a way, but now you're remembering that just pursuing for money doesn't give us happiness and security. You can, you

Trisha: 26:07

have to. It has to be your leverage, not your end goal. And that's like, the there's still days where I'm like, I don't know how much longer I can do this, but I'm like, You know what I can do this as long as I really need to, that's how much longer I can do this. And as long as I'm keeping that reframing of it being this is my leverage. Remember, this is my leverage. This is not who I am. This is not my forever. I am not stuck here, which is so easy to feel that way, because you're like, Yeah, but if I quit, I can't pay my bills. I'm like, Whoa. Are you sure? Have you tried looking at other ways to pay your bills? Maybe you don't need all those bills. Maybe there's bills you can do without, like there's all there's always options, and getting yourself out of yourself so that you can see them instead of be blind to them is really, really the it's really the task.

Nicoa Coach: 27:01

It really is the task at hand. Can I see myself and what I'm doing clearly enough to then question what I'm doing and then ask myself, what matters most to me? And you did, you have continued to do a phenomenal job of that. And I love what when you gave the example of, hey, wonder what businesses are for sale. Everybody just one thing, just Google, right? Or make the phone call to to the to the bureau, right? Tell me what it would take for me to rip this, yeah.

Trisha: 27:32

Follow those moments of inspiration. If they come up, especially if they feel random. Do not ignore that. That kid that's like your Higher Self tell trying to get through to you be like idiot. Just go look,

Nicoa Coach: 27:47

that's right,

Unknown: 27:49

please, dear God, just look. Please. Just

Nicoa Coach: 27:52

take a moment to dream and visualize some sort of future that doesn't have to be burdensome. And yeah, you reframe, you reframe nicely in the work that you do, because there's nothing wrong with the job or the company or anything that you know that you're involved in. There's, it's got great purpose, actually. And it is very purpose driven. And it takes that grind though to reach to reframe the grind, because I think you do a good job of that when you pause long enough and take care of yourself, talk about self care, because I know that's a big challenge.

Trisha: 28:27

Always been like the hard part for me, actually, I think, pretty much my whole life, and this is something that I've been really touching on in my therapy, because I'm like, not sure why this is so hard for me. And there's a lot of reasons why it's hard for me. Many of them go back to just the archetypes that are in my existence of how I interact with the rest of the world. How do I yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 28:57

do tell how can you without violating your privacy?

Trisha: 29:04

How do I make this not sound the wrong way? I was a middle child, and in my family, there was a lot of sort of CO dependency patterns as the more I talk to people in my age group, there's a lot of families that have that like, oh, okay, so it's pretty generational. Actually Good to know. I feel better about this, yeah, but I was very much a people pleaser in that I wanted to behave in ways that made sure I was protected and I was like approved of, and if you had emotional outbursts or did any did things that weren't what was expected of you, you definitely felt badly for it. So at a young age, I kind of like you learn to navigate that without really understanding that you're doing that. When you're little, that's what you're doing, and it's a pattern that then follows you for how you interact with everything. And even though I'd made, you know, a lot of strides in how I interact with my relationships, my marriage that I got divorced from well before I met you, but, you know, seven years in, I was like, nah, this is not going where I want it to, and I don't think I can do any the way I am. It requires massive amounts of change in order for this relationship to shift, and I don't know how to do that. And the other partner wasn't willing to do that. So I was like, well, if only one of us is willing to even try, that's yeah. I. Yeah, yeah. It's got to be both people willing to try to even make it through something like that. But if, if only one is it's pretty much a one way street that you have at that point. That's

Nicoa Coach: 31:00

true. And you know your reference to the middle child, it's kind of a middle child syndrome to this people pleaser thing and and especially if you were in a situation where consequences of not being the people pleaser or keeping the peace was dangerous for you, then you naturally created these nervous system coping mechanisms, and it becomes a cellular part of your cellular makeup. So you have to unlearn it. You have to break the neurons in order to be able to change your way of being absolutely

Trisha: 31:28

yeah. But in how that relates to self care is I never learned how to prioritize taking care of myself in any way, like anything I did, as far as like being healthy or keeping in shape, it was because I needed to perform a certain way in athletics. It wasn't just surely because I deserved to take care of my body and I should prioritize my own health and well being because I needed there was performance goal, there's performance expectation that I needed to meet. And so when you take away those, you're left without any structure. And if you also combine that with not valuing yourself in the ways that you should then you end up learning self care. That's right.

Nicoa Coach: 32:16

So how are you loving yourself more? A year later, are you working on that self love practice? I'm

Trisha: 32:23

definitely working on the being gentler and kinder with myself. Yeah, and I have slowly started to work on getting myself more physically active. Probably, that's still the big hurdle. And I'm like, I'm gonna sit with this resistance until I know why. Like, because it's strangely still there, and it's coming down to, it's like, a control thing,

Nicoa Coach: 32:48

yeah,

Trisha: 32:49

that's it. And this whole like, I should do this, or I need to do this so that I can get healthier, you know, physically healthier again. And it's like a resentment towards that, and I'm like, that's still silly, and I can objectively know that and intellectually know that, but then just That's right. And it came down to like the looking at how I could reframe it. I was like, what if I reframed working on my physical health again as a gift to myself? And when I said that out loud in my therapy session, I actually started to

Nicoa Coach: 33:25

cry. I bet that is beautiful. Oh

Trisha: 33:27

my god. I have never, like the idea of gifting that to myself was, like, a little bit heartbreaking.

Nicoa Coach: 33:36

Oh, darling. That's beautiful. Okay, I

Trisha: 33:39

think I know where I need to start. Then beautiful.

Nicoa Coach: 33:42

It sounds like that might be somewhat recent. It is, yes, yeah. Oh, I'm so proud of you. You deserve all the gifts we all do, you know, keep with the gentleness and tenderness and kindness that's that actually really is the first step changing the language so it's less harsh. And you know you were never taught how to self love. Obviously the people around you didn't love themselves enough to love you the way you deserved. You know, with all due respect, but you know, you are now being shown ways to love yourself, and you're loving your mother through this, this very traumatic time. Oh, yeah, yeah. And that's an example by the way you loving her, you have the capability to love yourself that fully, that thoroughly, that aligned, like, you know, shaving your head with her. You can look in the mirror. You're shaving your head for you, right, right? It's a gift to bond with her even more closely, or whatever the goal might be. You know, the work I've done has been a lot of mirror work. Just I wake up in the morning, it's a lot easier to do a lot of mirror work and self, physical, self, love and stuff for me when I'm alone in this house than it was when they were kids and stuff. So just to share, I see it as this privilege to be able to talk to myself in the mirror. Yeah, like, I don't have to worry about waking anybody up, you know,

Trisha: 35:07

right? Or anyone like walking in being like, What the hell are you doing? Because you're being vulnerable. Even though you're with you're just just with yourself. It's still a vulnerability to say things out loud. It feels so weird. If you've never done you're like, This is so corny. Oh my god, I'm a weirdo. It's so weird,

Nicoa Coach: 35:22

but it works. And you know what I would even do? I may have said this before. People laugh at me being telling the same stories, but I would wake up the middle night and have to go to the bathroom or something, and on the way back out, if the light had been on, I flashed myself and tell my body, I love it.

Trisha: 35:39

I'm totally gonna steal that. Probably scare myself. I will steal that.

Nicoa Coach: 35:45

Please. Do I want everybody flashing themselves every. Have you go to the bathroom. I want you to flash yourself one way or the other, Moon yourself, you know, pull the shirt up, but tell your body that you love it. And not only that, I have I get a massage. Every once in a while, I started making sure that my massage therapist massaged my belly, because my poor belly had been abused for so long, like self disparaging comments and judgments,

Trisha: 36:11

yeah, you hold on that there. That's where all the emotional that and in your hips, yeah?

Nicoa Coach: 36:16

So I found that over time and a lot since I also made some decisions to not be with my previous husband and to make these decisions to change my life, my body sheds what I what was no longer serving me, and I was carrying weight, almost as an emotional protection in my circumstance. And I found that the the lighter I am about life, the lighter I am about dialoguing with myself, and the more fun I have then the lighter my body gets as well. Yeah,

Trisha: 36:48

yeah, yep, that's and I was definitely sitting with it for that reason too. Because I'm like, if I have this much resistance to trying to get back into better shape, what is it I'm trying to hold on to? Because I've always thought that about weight gain. I'm like, in so many ways it, there is that emotional component to it, and deep down, like, what is it I'm scared of letting go of? What am I holding on to? What am I trying to protect myself from? Like, all of those kinds of things. So, yeah, I've been, I dive into all that because I'm like, Well, I know how to go work out and how to eat better. That's not the challenge here. Yeah. So if I know all those things, I'm still not able to, like, Get with it after what a year and a half is when you I talked about it before, I was like, that's not the problem. Then there's something else that's right.

Nicoa Coach: 37:38

It's all energy. It's all emotional. I mean, I still have that challenge with, um, prioritizing really healthy food. And sometimes I have a great, healthy meal, and then sometimes I have chip and dip for dinner, and then I call it I'm like, whatever, yep, and I hope there's a consequence to every choice, but it doesn't necessarily have to be the consequence that you're a longer term consequence. I mean chip and dip for dinner one night, and salmon and broccoli for dinner the next. Sounds like a pretty balanced life to me,

Trisha: 38:11

balance in every instance, it's over the period, you know, over the number of them, there's some balance to it.

Nicoa Coach: 38:18

You know, a pediatrician told me that once, when I was paranoid about my kids eating a balanced pyramid of foods and and the pediatric said, Listen, you know that pyramid of food? I'm like, yeah, they're like, if you can do that whole pyramid in a seven day window, you're knocking it out of the park. And I was like, oh, okay, so it doesn't have to be every day. I'm like, Geez, how much fruit and vegetables can

Trisha: 38:41

I get? The pyramid is wrong. I forgot. It's also just wrong.

Nicoa Coach: 38:47

It is wrong. That was 20 years ago,

Trisha: 38:51

and we've all found out, like honestly,

Nicoa Coach: 38:54

they forgot to put chip and dip on the pyramid. I'm just, you are just really inspiring, and I'm so pleased that we reconnected. Is there any other part of this, this journey and this expansion that you want to talk about or share with everybody.

Trisha: 39:16

Um, I would say what I've said before, too is it's never too late. I mean, I'm 44 and my life looks nothing like I imagined it would. You know, I never had kids. I didn't get to start my own family, but I in a matter of seven years, like after my divorce, I spent another year in New York, and I came home, and in three, four months, I was completely broke. What little bit of savings I had left was gone. I was living with my parents. I was 37 years old, so 37 years old, unemployed, broke, living with my parents, no kids, no like out of a divorce. Since 2018 to 2024 I have now had four properties, three of which I still own. I have gone from being completely broke to a six figure salary. I'm going back to school, and I can actually afford to do it without loans, because I've chosen a program that's actually going to give me real skills and not kill my bank account. And along the way, like I've learned more since 2018 about life than I think I did all of the years before that.

Nicoa Coach: 40:34

Wow, it's never too late.

Trisha: 40:35

So, like, you can literally be at the bottom, and if you still at least have your family you you can turn it around so much faster than you think absolutely, and that time is going to come and go. You know, like. Like, the five years is going to come and go. So either you like, dust yourself off and start moving forward, no matter how slow it is. Like there were, there was times when I was completely stagnant. I was just making it through the day. Make it through the day. But that eventually passes, and next thing you know, six months from there, you're way past that point of being. You know where you thought you were stagnant, it's you're never actually stagnant. If you're still showing up.

Nicoa Coach: 41:15

That's right, you're never that way. Yeah, that's really a good reminder. And you have the power and and in this day and age, you have the world in your hand with the Internet. I mean, well,

Trisha: 41:29

especially for anyone who's still single with no kids, or is you like, at whatever age you are, if you have the luxury of personal freedom that that grants you, there's nothing to hold you back, except for yourself. I don't care how much debt you have. Like, I still have student loans. I like, I have all those things, um, like I said, I had $0 at one point, and thank God I could live with, you know, my parents one time at one point, and then I had an aunt uncle who gave me a place to stay for the first two months that I had a real job. But, you know, assess the resources you do have and utilize them to the best of those abilities. And

Nicoa Coach: 42:09

yeah, don't be afraid to ask for help. God, no, learn how to receive that help. You know, if somebody says, Well, you could go crash at our house for the next three months. Uh, okay, yeah,

Trisha: 42:20

and swallow your pride over that kind of stuff. Like, there's no need to be prideful on things like that. Um,

Nicoa Coach: 42:26

I really had to swallow my pride this past six months,

Trisha: 42:31

and it's hard, but I think that's a lesson in life too, to always, like, keep you grounded and remember, like you're not above anything, and you're never supposed to be above anything,

Nicoa Coach: 42:41

and you're not alone. We're not alone, whether you believe in something greater than yourself or, you know, there's that type of not being alone, but there's also the people want to help you, and you have to be willing to say yes. And I had a hard time. I'm like, I got it, I got it, I got it. And I remember thinking, I really don't have it. I really, actually need some help. And there was one person who offered some support, and I remember saying no, no. And then I went, I could hear that voice in my head saying, seriously, Nicoa, you know, it's like, it's like, yeah, joke about the Well, now it's not funny to talk about floods right now, but when God is like, you were sitting on the roof, and I sent you a boat, and I sent you a log, and I sent you a helicopter, a

Trisha: 43:24

helicopter like, everything, like, Well,

Nicoa Coach: 43:27

I heard that voice in my head When my friend was offering support, and I was like, no, no, and I went, Okay, thank you. Yes, I need that. Thank you for helping me. And I'm just so proud of myself, because that took courage, and I had to swallow my pride, because when you're 55 you're supposed to have already done it all. You're always supposed to be

Trisha: 43:47

you should know how to handle whatever comes your way, like, and you know, like, I can see you tell if you're like me, you'd be like, well, this isn't even my first rodeo. I knew how to handle this transition, right? I should know how to do that. It's still hard. You should never handle that kind of a transition by yourself. No,

Nicoa Coach: 44:06

you shouldn't. And guess what? One is not like the other. Let's be clear, these are two very different life experiences. Yep, I'm just admiring your continued expansion and love of life. You what you seem to carry that a lot of people forget they all that we all have is this curiosity and interest to continue to learn, and you won't give up. I feel it in your bones like, you know, Oh, not that. Okay. Well, that sucked. I spent all that money, but okay, now. What? Right? Now. What, right,

Trisha: 44:41

yeah. I mean, yeah, getting over those kinds of things, it was really hard. And the moment where I got to that point where I was like, It's okay, actually, was when I remembered, like, every single real estate guru I've looked at investing because I looked at investing, I was like, Oh no, we're definitely not going into that. No, no, no, no, I'll lose everything. But every single person that I followed on social media, whatever, every single one of them lost everything at one point, or lost a huge and, you know, lost some massive amount, and I'm like, All right, and now they're all hugely successful. So this is like, the dues you pay, because everyone has to learn and take that, like, ouchy hit of a mistake and it it's still not even a mistake, really. It was just the one that didn't work for you. It was the wrong direction, and you had to course correct

Nicoa Coach: 45:29

Absolutely.

Trisha: 45:30

I keep course correcting the next time. It's just going to keep getting better and better and better each time. It does get

Nicoa Coach: 45:38

better and better because you're older and wiser every time and and if you're following people like yourself, if you start watching other people, then you're learning from them, and you're doing it even faster and more with more with. Them. Yeah, I used to hang out with a bunch of old, good old boys at Starbucks in Raleigh, and that day that I had to close the business with my co owners, I was sitting there having coffee with them, and I was kind of bummed, you know, I was really depressed, and, and we were at the end of the coffee, we were walking out to the car, and I was with one of the guys. I said, Well, I've, you know, I guess I feel like I could hang out with you guys. You know, I was an entrepreneur, like some of you guys, and but now I feel really bad. And he goes, Hey, we've all lost businesses two or three times. He's like, you actually aren't even in the group yet.

Unknown: 46:24

You're still a baby.

Nicoa Coach: 46:25

You're still a baby. You just starting. And I'll be like,

Trisha: 46:29

one Mario Kart,

Nicoa Coach: 46:30

exactly.

Unknown: 46:32

Let's,

Nicoa Coach: 46:32

let's take it to the next level. Oh my gosh. Well, I am just so grateful that you said yes to it, like a reunion. You know,

Trisha: 46:39

absolutely there's one more thing I was thinking about. Want to circle back to the accepting help and knowing when to ask for help, and swallowing your pride and all those things, one of the things that has helped me be better at that is I have had the opportunity since I bought my first house, actually, from then until now, multiple times where I was able to be the one to offer significant help to somebody else. So I have offered a place to stay for free for another friend of mine. I have been able to wire money to another friend who needed it. And they were like, they didn't even ask for it. They had posted about having a hard time. I got on Venmo and shot them some money. And they were like, Oh my God, I don't know what to say. I can pay you back. And I was like, just pay it forward to the next person. I've had so many people help me in my path here, and I can't necessarily pay that specific person back, but sometimes you need to take that offering so that you then have the karma to put forward for the next person. So it's not even about like, if you if you can't get over swelling your pride, forget about that. Remember this is you taking the up ante so that you have extra to give for the next person absolutely

Nicoa Coach: 47:51

and in the one situation where someone was super generous, I already know how I'm gonna do that, and it just makes me really excited, and it keeps me motivated to continue to work hard and create the reality of life by design you're absolutely spot on. The

Trisha: 48:07

universe is gonna give you those opportunities, and the more you are able to be generous with your time or your effort or your living spaces or even money, whatever it is that you have to give as a gift to people around you, the more it's going to come back to you. So it's important to accept it, because you've got to keep that flow. When you don't accept things, I think you're stopping that flow of good energies

Nicoa Coach: 48:33

that's beautifully said, and I hope that you'll remember that you just said that when you think about the gift you're going to give yourself of self care.

Trisha: 48:40

I know I'm getting there. I'm getting there.

Nicoa Coach: 48:44

Well, I love you, my friend, and I miss you, and I didn't know how much I was missing you until today, right?

Trisha: 48:50

I know I'm so glad that you reached out. Well, please

Nicoa Coach: 48:53

come when you're in Wilmington, give me a call. Maybe you and I and Sarah, we can all reconnect and recreate that first meeting.

Trisha: 49:03

Absolutely there you go. All right, dear. Well,

Nicoa Coach: 49:07

thanks for being on, and I'll talk to you soon. All

Trisha: 49:09

right, talk to you soon.

Unknown: 49:14

Thanks for joining us. For a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicoa for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow Coffee with Nicoa and check out our website. Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa n, i, c, O, A, we look forward to talking with you soon, and enjoy your coffee between now and then you.