S2 EP36: JADE BEALL, PHOTOGRAPHER

**TRIGGER WARNING: SA**
Nicoa interviews the amazing JADE BEALL, a mother, self-love coach, and world-renowned photographer known for her truthful images of women. Jade's work, including her books "The Bodies of Mothers" and "The Crone Body," has garnered global attention and inspired millions. She discusses her journey from body dysmorphia to truly embracing her beautiful body, her experiences with s*xual abuse, and her powerful healing process. Jade emphasizes the importance of self-love, forgiveness, and creating a safe space for vulnerability. She also shares her recent life changes, including selling her house and simplifying her life to focus on her art and family. Nicoa is a BIG FAN and can't wait for you to be inspired by Jade for your own LIFE BY DESIGN!

You can find Jade on her website and instagram !

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:00

Nicoa, grab your coffee and join me, Nicoa, for a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths, and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Jade Beal, you are finally on my podcast. I am so happy and so honored that you said yes. Yay. I'm

JADE BEALL: 0:34

so happy to be here. Yay,

Nicoa Coach: 0:37

everybody. I gave you guys a heads up a while back when Jade was kind enough say yes to being a guest on coffee with Nicoa. And the day is finally here. I'm gonna give you a bit of an overview and then share with you how she and I originally connected. So I don't even know if she remembers. Probably Jade Beal is a mother, a self love coach, a holistic massage, healer, 25 plus years, however, long, and a world renowned photographer. Jade's photography style is truthful images of women to inspire feeling irreplaceably beautiful and good about one's body as a healing counterbalance to the to the AI filtered and photographed imagery of a single body, shape and age that dominates mainstream media. I mean, that says so much we are so struggling as women. And your work as a photographer has really been profound. Her work and books the bodies of mothers and the crone body, which I happen to have a copy of right here, have been profound. They have touched millions of women's lives and garnered global attention from media outlets including the BBC, The Today Show, The Huffington Post and beyond, Jade's books and social media platforms feature truthful photos of women alongside their stories of their journey to build radical self love in a world that profits off women believing that their bodies are flawed and a problem and never enough. Being human is often challenging, and our bodies are not the problem. Our bodies are sacred. We are beautiful. You are speaking my language, Jade, I wonder if you even, I wish you could read your sentence at the bottom. Do you have access to your little button? Real quick? I want you to read that. It is your quote, and it just, it means so much to me while you're looking for it everybody. Jade is actually not only born in Tucson, raised in a small village in Mexico, but is currently based back in Tucson, Arizona, where she's raising her precious son. That's right, although I think you're aren't you in the middle of moving or hoping to move soon?

Unknown: 2:57

I'm in the middle of moving, yes, selling my house and buying a new townhouse, and the wildness of that ride, but I have my quote. I wrote this at a at a nude hot springs retreat before my son was born. It was, was so inspired, and I was, I was a dance teacher, a facilitator at that retreat, and I wrote, I'm here to facilitate. I am here to be a facilitator for living heaven on earth. I'm here to support your waking dream. I'm here to stand in my authentic beauty and reflect your divine gorgeousness. I'm here to be a radiant reflection of life. I am life. You are life. All of this that we are and that we have is divine. All of this is magic. All of this just is

Nicoa Coach: 3:52

Jade. Feel welcome to the podcast that's so beautiful, yay. And I'm assuming you recall that my name is in the back of your book. That's how when you know each other. Thank you.

JADE BEALL: 4:06

People are

Nicoa Coach: 4:06

like, what so you did? How did you go about this in your photography work? So anybody not who doesn't know, go quickly, pause and go look at JBL, photography.com go to her.com. Jbl.com, jadebiel.com. Good. Catch and look at the reference to her book The Crone body these and I opened it to the photo that introduced me to you. And this is a photo I've shared with my audience before, and tagged you, of course. And it's a beautiful image of a man and woman unclothed, a black man and a white woman who are in love, and I it's gonna make me cry. So when I saw this image, I remember thinking, I want to be loved like that. I crave to be loved like that. And what's beautiful about the image is not only is that a true love image, but she isn't loving him in a masculine way, she is receiving his love. And I felt that, and I continue to feel that, and I just want you to know how much it moved me, and that's why I support you, and that's why I love you and the work you're doing. So tell us a little bit about how you came into this beautiful work.

Unknown: 5:32

Thank you, hun. And that particular photo that's Jerry and Darwin, and they're so brave, because I was looking for models that would allow me to share online, and nobody would, until they came and they kind of opened the door. Then other people started signing up, but they met in their 50s.

Nicoa Coach: 5:50

Oh, this is Oh, I'm so optimistic now. And

JADE BEALL: 5:53

then, in their 50s, had this gorgeous love, and Darwin passed away a few years ago. Oh, and I'm still in contact with Jerry and, and it's, you know, she, she, it's, yeah, it's a beautiful love story. And Darwin was, and is still, I feel his energy all the time, is, oh, he's a singer. And yeah, he loved Jerry. And Jerry lived her whole life feeling unlovable. And so like, Darwin came in and just, oh yeah, there. That's, I feel like we feel the energy of that. Because it's, yes, the photo is lovely, but it's, it's, you can feel the energy of them truly, and they're the real deal. They're the real deal. And

Nicoa Coach: 6:35

I want to give you credit, though, for pulling that from them in that safe moment. How did you create that safety?

Unknown: 6:44

I think it started with just being honest myself. You know, I didn't know them. They Darwin was friends with, I guess my parents back in the early 80s. But I don't, I don't remember Darwin, but they follow me online. They love my photography, and I feel like the way I've cultivated trust with both of the books that I've done, which are all volunteers, or I call them my muses, is because I'm very honest about my own self. I'm not pretending to be something. I'm not a camp literally can't pretend. I've tried too much effort, oh, my goodness, and I just failed, just like I was pretending, um, and I think just by being honest myself to be, to be, before I had my son, he's 12. So it was 12 years ago. I did present myself a little more in the pretty little thing box. I wasn't as honest. I did use more light to blur away my blemishes and my wrinkles and people would I had a website back then, but only folks that fit into the what I call the pretty little thing box, which is sacred and beautiful. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's a very small box that no one benefits from. They were the only ones who would allow me to share their images online, and so it wasn't telling how my son my body really changed. I'd realized I had lived most of my life with body dysmorphia, disordered eating and self hatred. And there I was biggest I'd ever been when I had been petrified to be fat my whole life. And there I was with a new baby. Never didn't know how to take this fat body that I've been afraid of my whole life, like all of it come into a head. And I took all of that to my studio, and I just photographed it because I didn't know what else to do. I just photographed it and I shared it unfiltered, most vulnerable. I never would have shared something that insinuated that I was fat before. Wow. Here it is. Here it is, I don't know what to say, but here it is, I don't know how to heal this. I don't know how to feel safe, but here it is. This is how I'm gonna start, and that's how it started. And now just that moment like open to floodgates, because my email and my my social media just right, and then everyone wanted, not everyone, but I mean, hundreds, 1000s of people wanted to come to my studio just by like, here it is,

Nicoa Coach: 9:24

absolutely here's the raw, unfiltered version of who I am. And it's like the human being just craves. I mean, really, if you look at most suffering, it's that we're craving to be seen and heard and understood, and our bodies are only one part of that. It's almost as if what we really crave isn't about the body at all. It's actually just about the soul. So to be able to start with the vulnerability of the body. I mean, I think that's a beautiful beginning. I mean, it's almost like you couldn't prevent yourself at that stage.

Unknown: 9:56

Yeah. Well, as a photographer, I'm in. Love with the human form, and that has always been true, even with my own body dysmorphia. 12 years ago, I loved all bodies. I loved all bodies, especially bodies that I didn't see in mainstream media. And for a while, thought I was a hypocrite, because I loved photographing that, but I hated my own body. So what the heck is wrong with me? And that took a lot of deep soul work, Shadow Work, come integrating all of the things before I was like, Oh, great. I just didn't feel safe from my body. It's okay that I struggle more seeing my own beauty when I can see it so easily in others. I understand all of that now. But in regards to my books, you know, just putting myself out there, being like, I don't have the answer, but I'm tired of hiding, so here I am, and that's how my first book, The bodies of mothers, came to be, which was super successful. I was on the BBC, and the today show came to my studio. Was whirlwind, and then I asked questions. And the way I did that book was that I crowd, I crowdsourced it. It was funded by supporters, and it blew me away. I wanted to raise 20,000 ended up raising, like, close to 60,000 for that first book, yeah, I was just a nobody in Tucson, Arizona photographer. And then for my second book, the chrome body, did the same thing. I raised money so that I could self publish, and yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 11:26

well, I am honored to have supported you on the chrome body book, and I remember seeing the post now you you this wasn't that easy. You had you had a lot of pushback from social media. You got kicked off like social media a lot because of the imagery. Isn't that, right? I remember reading your posts, what was that like? Oh

Unknown: 11:46

my gosh. Well, back then I had more energy to be like, you know, I was one of the people that helped get breastfeeding photos, yeah, allowed without getting banned, but I used to get banned for my breastfeeding photos and and I love the nude body, but you know, at this point, I'm now that I'm older and I'm so I'm so tired, I don't have any more energy. I barely post my photos anymore online, because I just, I don't want to get banned. I don't want to lose my account. So I just right, I just kind of don't, and I just share my own story, mostly online these days. Well,

Nicoa Coach: 13:07

you share your own story very beautifully. And I love some of your pinned posts and historic posts where you're you're showing that self love of your body. Can Can you share with our listeners? How did you begin to love yourself and overcome that feeling of lack of safety in your body?

Unknown: 13:29

Well, that was, that was just it. I mean, I, I feel my story is that a my son birthing my son, he was, he's been the catalyst of all of my greatest healing, and that was when he was a newborn. My body's fatter than I've ever been. I'm sleep deprived. I don't know up from down. And I couldn't I had no energy to pretend anymore. And that was the beginning. I didn't even know I had a problem. I didn't know I lived most of my life with disordered eating. I didn't know that, you know, my constant chasing of being dinner was was killing my soul, because what it really was, and I didn't know this at the time. It took me a long time to figure this out. The fear of not being thin my body reads as a constant state of fight or flight, and I didn't know that. And so I was in a constant state of fight or flight, which made me sick all the time, which made me anxious all the time, which made me super depressed, and all of the things, even in the best of circumstances, it's hard to feel okay in this world with all of this this chasing of thinness and this chasing of like, I'm not gonna be okay unless I'm thin and pretty and desirable. I'm not gonna be lovable unless I am like this. And so it took me a while to figure it out. I had to fake it till I may make it. Definitely to fake it till I make it in the beginning. But I knew, I knew that there was a time in my life I remember being little, not being apologetic for who I was. I remember loving moving in this body and just like deeply settling into the magic of her rather than constantly picking her apart in search of safety and am I okay? Am I okay? Am I okay? I hated comparing myself to other women. I was like, when did I learn to do this? When the heck did I learn to walk into a room and be like, am I prettier, uglier, fatter than or everyone in this room, like, I walking hate this I know. No, I didn't. I was not born this way. I remember, like, being with my girlfriends and like, oh, just love. Wasn't freaking picking each other apart and like, what? What is this hierarchy like? Look, no thanks, and

Nicoa Coach: 15:52

we're brainwashed. I mean, I can totally relate. I had a historic experience with eating an eating disorder. I had a weight limit as a cheerleader, and we had to weigh in, and if you missed weight, you missed the ability to cheer at the game. And so I was taught how to not eat. I was told before the weigh in, don't forget to go to the bathroom and then blow all of the air out of your body before you stand on the scale. Nicoa, I mean, talk about disordered. I mean, it was really fucked up. It was. And, I mean, you know, ultimately, I think the journey, and I'm sure you're still in the journey. Now, we're all in the journey of self, love and and self, self acceptance. But we are born enough. Our bodies are perfect as they are, whether they're big, small, whatever. I mean, it's pretty, it's really fucked up. I mean, the I used to want to look like the waifs, you know, I used to think, oh, I, you know that girl that's, you know, whatever, heroin addict. She looks pretty hot. That's pretty fucked up. So you and I now are role modeling and teaching self love. You even are a proclaimed self love coach. How do you start with someone who has had the histories like you and I have had.

Unknown: 17:19

It's not easy, honey. It takes time and patience. That's the first thing I say is like, there's no easy fix, especially thus those of us who've been chasing diets our whole life and thinking that once I look a certain way, I'll finally feel better that that story is really deep. And those of us who who have done that, and therefore it takes time and patience, it's like this, like this, feel better like myself again, you know? And it's and so what I do is I hold people through one to two years. Is usually when I start to see a little it doesn't go away necessarily, but a deep shift in the ability to hold that little girl self. I developed that when I was around 10 years old. She developed a way to be, hoping that she'd be loved, hoping that she'd be valuable. Every other around said, you got to lose weight in order to be accepted. Not exactly like that, but that is the interpretation I received. And so holding that part like, Oh, thank you for keeping me safe all this time, I got this. Now I got this. It's okay.

Nicoa Coach: 18:36

You shared that even in your recent adulthood that someone told you that you needed to lose weight. Oh,

Unknown: 18:43

go TP bids on me all the time because I'm so prolific online. People are the one gave me their piece, yes, yeah, it's great. You love your body, but I'm really worried you're gonna die young because of your cholesterol and you're not healthy and not even asking, what might you know, just

Nicoa Coach: 19:05

that's really unbelievable. Well, how do you how do you talk yourself or encourage your clients to talk themselves through those moments, even when we I think we continue to get triggered, right? We keep getting triggered until we heal it a little bit more. I'm curious, how do you hold their hand and hold them in that safe space during that when it still keeps coming back, it does.

Unknown: 19:26

And the thing is, like, I've already been through it, so I recognize I'm like, Yeah, we're gonna get triggered until we start, like, then one day we're gonna realize that that those things don't trigger us anymore. Yeah, it doesn't be a new trigger, because that's the complexity of being human. Welcome to being human. Welcome to being human. I am not triggered anymore when people comment on my fat or ask me if I'm pregnant for the 10th time in one day. And like, Oh, thanks. I used to really trigger me. I used to trigger me into self destruction. And what I realized I was giving my power away all the time, like I used to, I used to be, like, really into being, like, why do people have to comment on bodies? Like, why do we have to comment on bodies, if we just stopped commenting on bodies. And I was like, girl, you are fine. The wrong fight like that. People are gonna do what they're gonna do. So what do I want to do? People are gonna keep commenting on your body, honey. So what would you like to do? Oh, do my own work. So when people ask me if I'm pregnant, I hear that as a love being pregnant was one of the best times of my life. Like, what a blessing to be asked that. And yeah, it is fucked up, because there's a lot of women who wish they were pregnant or not, but there's little Yes, we should not comment on bodies. However, I don't foresee any time soon when people are gonna just stop commenting on bodies. So you're right now. I'm just. I I feel safe that I used to be so triggered because I'd be so afraid that I wasn't safe. Am I fat? I don't belong I'm not safe. Fight or flight, fight or flight, fight, fight or flight. Now I know I'm safe. I'm safe if I'm fat, I'm safe if I'm thin, I'm safe if I'm look old, I'm safe if I look whatever way, I'm safe. That's right, I'm safe. If I don't like how I look in the mirror, I can look in the mirror and be like, Man, still love me, still feel safe. All Okay,

Nicoa Coach: 21:19

absolutely, all okay, you know, and part of that practice for me has been the mirror. You know, you mentioned the mirror. Well, the mirror is a pretty powerful reflection, I mean. And everybody who's talking to us is also a reflection. Yes, they're reflecting either our own insecurity or they're reflecting what is possible for us, right? So if I, if I can move away from compare despair and more of a hey, why not me too? Right? Why? Oh, don't say me too. Okay, why not me also? But the mirror really has been my friend, and I've decided that I'm going to continue to talk to myself in the mirror, show my body to myself. So you taking these photographs, gave me a mirror to other regular, beautiful bodies. And I can even remember, and this is way TMI, but I can even remember being with being with my now ex husband, and saying to him, Oh my God. Look how beautiful our bodies look together. Look at that. And he's like, Uh huh. But for me, it was just art. And if we can begin to appreciate our bodies like that, like I know you do. I mean, you really gave me permission to embrace unique normalcy, right?

Unknown: 22:38

Yeah, it could be permission. And also the way I see it, because I do the same thing. I follow folks online that that are the bodies I crave to see as a child. That was always like, Where, where are those of us with bimbles and rolls? And I didn't see that in my 17 magazine that I worshiped like spirituality, whatever. That's another story. But I love seeing other other people feeling safe in their bodies that I thought weren't safe, and I just, I like, that's part of the healing too. Is the repetition? Oh, it's safe to be fat, oh, you can be in love and fat. Oh, it's safe to be older. Oh, is this constant? Just like, oh, right, she's safe, so I must be safe. You know, that's how I see it. No,

Nicoa Coach: 23:29

that's a beautiful way to see it, but most people see it like, oh my god, she's so fat, or, oh my god, she looks so scrawny. And then they think, Well, everyone else is judging me that way, and if I'm judging them, then they are judging me. But ultimately, the person you're judging doesn't hear you judge them, and you aren't hearing someone else judge you. And the bottom line is that's about you or that's about them. Their judgment of you is not about you, that's about them. Your judgment of that person is not about them. It's about you. Yes, it is.

Unknown: 24:06

That's something I work with a lot with my clients, because that judgment for a lot of us, especially those of us who been judging ourselves for so long, it's very innate to judge others, not because we're assholes. I mean, I do moan shadow work. I am an asshole at times. I'm totally at peace with that. I'm also amazing, you know? But we think that that judgment is like, Oh, I'm an evil person. Like, no, that judgment is a barometer of our safety. That's all, that's all and once we start realizing that that that judgment can right. And that's how I see, when I see beautiful women, like, looking at you, honey, I'm just like, holy cow, I'm alive at the same time as this. This is also me. I think we're all interconnected. So whenever I see beauty, I'm like, Oh, that is also me.

Nicoa Coach: 24:53

Thank you. That is also me. Level six, energy is all about being the you know, synergistic. And I am energy. I am you, and you are me. And when we sit in that energetic viewpoint and frequency, then you can't help but love the other person. Yeah, and you know, I was going to ask you to talk a little bit about the word safety, to be safe, and I know that you had shared something very personal, and a lot of us probably do wonder, it's not just marketing that causes us to feel unsafe in our bodies. Would you feel comfortable talking a little bit about your upbringing, when that beautiful little girl was playing and being free in Mexico, and then all of a sudden, was not

Unknown: 25:38

I used to blame the media for not feeling good about my body too, and they are definitely. They capitalize on it. I feel like now, otherwise he was like, Oh, they're smart fuckers. Like they. Just, you know, they see our wound, and they're like, let's make money off of it. That's right, but the wound is already existing. So my personal wound, one of one of them that, and now, as a 45 year old woman, I'm so grateful for not in the way that it happened to me. No what I've learned from it and the empathy I've developed, and for like one, I feel like one of my superpowers that I'm still cultivating is forgiveness. And so all of these things, cult, uh, stemmed from I grew up in a small village in Mexico. It's called yellowpa. And back in 1980 there was no cars, there was no electricity. There's still no cars. They do have electricity. You have to get there by boat. Um, it was I, it was, it was paradise, and there was only a handful of gringos, of of American folks. And we lived in this open air palapa, which is a thatched roof hut, basically. And my mom was a fabulous cook. She's from the Midwest, so she'd be making, like, meatloaf in the jungle in Mexico. We only had, like, a cooler. We don't have a refrigerator, and, like, just in my mom and my stepdad were musicians, and they're always playing. That's one of the reasons they moved to Mexico, is that they started playing jazz at a club in the city, which we also lived on, lived in, in the weekends. It's called Puerto Vallarta. It's a very touristy place Porto Aleta. So they would play music. We go back to ya Lapa during the weekday. I'd go to school. I was one of, like, the one of two American children going to school. There was just this fabulous walking everywhere. Like, after school, you play in the riverbed until the last little bits of, you know, light are still in the air, and then you walk home stumbling because it's so dark. And it was heaven. And I didn't even like, I tell my mom this all the time, like, Mom, thank you for moving there, because I'm not sure I would have made it through childhood without that incredible, peaceful upbringing, because when we go to my to the city, and my nervous system would get so dysregulated. I couldn't wait to get back to your laptop and walk barefoot on the trail and swim in the ocean, and so all this was happening. And one of the few other expats that lived there was an elder, and he was my mom, took really good care of him. He was like he I think he paid her to take, get him groceries in the city and to, you know, do his errands. He had emphysema. He couldn't really walk much, but he had the only refrigerator and all of the village. And so he had cold Coca Colas, and he had Snicker bars and Milky Way bars, and he would offer them to me. And this, we never ate out. My mom, my stepdad, we were very food insecure. We had very little money. That's another reason they moved to Mexico is we could live on $1,000 a year back then, you know, it was so affordable. We had nothing. Buying me a Snicker bars was not a thing, maybe for Christmas. So here's this older man offering me the jewels of childhood sugar, and my mom would leave me with him because she had to go do gigs, sometimes late at night, and she needed a babysitter. And he she left me with him. And he started, I would he started sexually abusing me very from the get go. It was very confusing though. I didn't even know what he was doing. I didn't even know I had a cavity in my body that way. I had no idea I was like, what is happening here. And then he would do many horrible things and promise me not to tell my mom, and then give me the most incredible gifts of soda and CIGAR BARS, and he cook for me, and he treat me like a princess, and then he do horrible things at night. And this confused for why I didn't even know what was happening. What is this? I know it doesn't feel good, but I'm not sure what's happening here.

Nicoa Coach: 30:07

Yeah. How old were you?

Unknown: 30:10

Seven years old, I went on for years before I finally figured out that it was not okay. Yeah, this was not good, and he would do other horrible things in front of me that just would make me and so that was, it was it was shitty, but it was also like, I also love that he gifted me so many things children. That's the way it works. No one else gave me those things in my whole life. So it was, it was so bizarre and like I loved it, but I fucking hated it. And as I got older, I realized, ah, right, actually, those gifts are not worth it. You. I asked my mom to stop sending me there, and so I started staying with other friends when she had to go to gigs, which was every weekend. This was a regular every weekend deal. Yeah, that

Nicoa Coach: 31:00

was their work. Yeah. So, oh gosh. Well, I'm proud of you for finally saying, Please don't send me there. I'm curious, were you comfortable enough to tell your mother what was happening

Unknown: 31:10

after a few years, because that started wrong when I was seven. I think I finally said something when I was like 10. I did. I brought it up, and unfortunately, my mom wasn't able to hear me. Because now, at the time, I didn't know, but now I know they're just she was so desperate for help. You know, my mom could barely afford the bills, and I know that he helped her. And, yeah, she couldn't see it, you know, yeah, and at the time, it was heartbreaking. And I just, and I just closed up, I like, I feel like that moment I could still see it clear as day. And the moment I told her I know right where we were sitting, I remember the sound of the birds and like, and her just saying, oh, Jade, you're just making that up or something like that. I don't like, I don't remember exactly what she said, but basically, like, stop it. Don't, don't, yeah, don't make that shit up. And I close. I just remember so many things. I think that's all women like not feeling safe in my body. Who do I tell that will believe me? Maybe I am making up. Maybe I am because I was also a very sensual little girl. I loved cuddling my stepdad. Thank goodness he was such a sweet soul. He let me cuddle and kiss his neck, and he had such great boundaries, right? I did not think I was flirting with him as a seven year old. I just love cuddling and kissing and like, you know, just

Nicoa Coach: 32:37

of course, and that's what we're raised, that way, to be loved and cuddled and kissed as babies and and to then have someone violate that when, especially when you're so naturally, authentically open and sensual. Then, wait a minute, it must have been very confusing. Of course, you would have felt unsafe in the long run. I'm so sorry that that happened to you, but you said, forgiveness,

Unknown: 33:01

forgiveness. How did you get there? Yeah, that was it took a while so that then I moved to the States to go to high school, because my dad always lived here in Tucson. So I moved back for high school, and my dad, I told him the story in my teenage years, and he put me in therapy because he's, he's such a precious, he's, he's got his stuff too. But he did put me in therapy, and that was the beginning. And then therapy did help. But then I eventually found this. I moved to Taos, New Mexico, after high school to go to massage school and to live. And I found I became friends with this shaman woman, and she really helped me. She brought me in. And at the time, I was breaking out with boils all over my skin and and my it was having a hard time talking. It was like a lot of I went to her chakra, and she helped me with with she got stuff on the table, and then we also talked, and she was the one that helped me, because I was so mad at my mom, but I also loved my mom's. It was like, so conflicting, and I didn't want to see her. I didn't go visit her for years, but she helped me. That was the beginning of like, Hey, you got this. We can do reparenting. We can go back and slowly starting to realize that I don't need to blame my mom. She did hurt me. She didn't mean to, she didn't mean to, yeah, but she did, and that's okay, like, I can forgive that, and no one's ever gonna do that to me again. And furthermore, no one will ever do something like that to my baby boy. That's right. That is exactly right. And that's been so healing too, to like, raise this boy, and it's like, touch you in a way that you do not approve of,

Nicoa Coach: 34:53

and you broke that cycle of connection with your child and the next generation. I mean, it is forgiveness is a tricky one for a lot of people, but I think the most important thing is that you were able to go in and you said the word reparent, because as we get older, we're our best parent. Yeah, right. And we can rewrite that story and have a dialog with our parent or whoever hurt us, whether it's a real dialog with them or not, you can rewrite it, and that's kind of the work I do, too. In hypnotherapy, I do this rapid transformational therapy, and we go back and say, You know what, I'm no longer seven years old. I'm no longer 10 years old. No one will ever hurt me like that again. No one will ever cross my boundaries, because I'm a grown woman, and I can say no, and I can walk away, and I can use my voice, and I'm worthy and deserving of safety, and

Unknown: 35:47

I really do believe in multi. Much reality. Because for a long time, I just, I wish my mom would just because I haven't spoken it with her. I tried once, like in my early 20s, and she was very resistant, so I just shut it down. And I was always I was just like, why I want to have this conversation? I want to be heard by my mom, you know? Yeah. And then I realized that's not gonna happen. She's not able to for some reason. I'm pretty sure. My mom was pretty severely sexually abused, and she will never speak of it. My sister also was like we do. We come from his lineage of silence and just bearing the abuse. And at least i That's how I feel in my lineage. But so cool when I started doing some plant medicine, I did some ayahuasca, like four years ago, and I was able to go back to that moment on the bed with the birds in front of my mom's little vanity that she brought all the way from the US, all the way to ya Lapa, like didn't break. We're sitting right in front of it. And I brought my current self, sequoias mom to that moment, I said, Tell me. Tell me what he's doing now. I told my I told my little girl, me, told me. And I was like, Come here, baby girl, no one will ever touch you again, and I'm gonna go let him know that he is not welcome in our family. I will protect you. And I did this whole like, you know, my mom was sitting right there too. She isn't she's not the villain. She's a very she's doing her very best to stay alive on her mom, but, like, we fucking got this, yeah, and that was huge. That was huge.

Nicoa Coach: 37:29

I'm so glad you shared that story, because this everybody listening. This is the RE parenting. So there is a scene in my history where my mother said that she was going to go get a switch and she was going to spank me. And I don't have any memory of the actual spanking, but I have the memory of where I would hide when she would say this, and it's in, it's in this spot, and I live in the house I was raised in. That spot is no longer there. I renovated that. Spots missing now, but I remember that spot and I did similar work. I didn't have the the the uniqueness of the Ayahuasca, but I might still do that one day. But in that scene, I went back and sat down next to that younger version of me, and I would have been under the age of eight, so 5678, and I remember that little version of me saying, like, Fuck, I keep hiding in the same space, like I didn't know where else to hide, and so she could always find me, so I'm always in the same spot. I was like, Why do I keep hiding in the same spot? But in the in the in the reparenting work, I went into a meditative state, and then i i simply cross legged next to her as the adult that I am now, and I put her in my lap, and I was like, Hey, you don't have to hide anymore. You don't have to hide. It's okay to be you. And in my history, the it was a lack of speaking truth. It was a lack of voice and and it was realizing it's okay to be me fully, and I don't have to hide. And whatever it was I was in trouble for was it must have been something around Nicoa being too much. And so again, that that version of me now goes back and loves on that child, just like you did and everybody. You can do it right now. Right now. You can close your eyes and rewrite that story from an adult speaking to that child.

Unknown: 39:24

I love thinking about like that moment too, how I looked, oh, so little. I didn't know at the time I was so little, but now I know I was so little in my hair and eyes, dirty fingernails and dirty feet, because I was always barefoot and like, oh, precious girl. Oh, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You know, just like feeling her little body, it's so precious to be able to do that and to like, be able to transcend like, go back in time, and like, all these dimensions exist, in my opinion. Yes, I agree. Go back and and she's, she feels safe now. She feels okay. We're okay with mom. Like I I'm okay. I kind of feel like my mom's parent right now, and I'm okay with that, I feel, I'm pretty sure her mom was never a good mom. She was an angry woman for various good reasons. I understand, but I know my mom never had a sweet, compassionate mom. That's at least, that's my story, sweet and tender with her and parenting her. I want to

Nicoa Coach: 40:30

absolutely you and I are definitely mirroring as I'm you may or may not know that I am currently the caregiver for my 84 year old mother, and my mother's mother was, we think, abused and or treated terribly by her older sisters. And my sweet mom would come down the stairs and. In the morning and walk through the kitchen swinging doors back in the 1950s smile on her face, and her mother would look at her and say, What are you so happy about? And whack her upside the head. I mean, can you imagine? And I My mother said to me a while back that I don't know, I know you don't really have that relationship with your mom, but she said to me, I hope you will forgive me for anything I did. And I said, Mom, I want to thank you all this poor 84 she just said this in the last six months. I said, Mom, there is nothing to forgive. I want to thank you for breaking the cycle. You didn't beat me upside the head when I was happy. I mean, you might have threatened the switching clearly, but I don't know, I've kind of given up on whatever memory that was. Oh, this is the work, you know, this is the work. I think we're supposed to go through all of this. I don't think this is I pulled the short straw, or I'm unlucky, I think this is literally what we signed up for. I don't know. What do you think? Yeah,

Unknown: 41:56

yeah. I don't know. Like I often think this about being in a larger body in a culture that praises such thinness. And like I do, I feel like I was supposed to be in a bigger body in this lifetime, because I have a lot to say about it, and I actually love photographing it. I love I will I, you know, learning how to feel safe and put myself out there so that other women get to consider their own safety and whatever body they might have. And in that regard, yes. And as far as the sexual abuse, like, oh gosh, it's tricky to say, like, did I sign up for that? I don't know, but I definitely signed up for this beautiful way that I feel. Even my grandmother, she was so she was not kind to me, but she, you know, now I can see it like, Oh, she, too. I can now recognize she has some sort of, there's something there, you know, she was during the Depression. We come from immense food insecurity and poverty. You know, just like we can trace the like the whole breath and not enoughness for so

Nicoa Coach: 43:00

and you validated that. I mean, you have to be able to look at that lineage and that story and say, No wonder. I feel this way. Anyone in this situation would have these sensory experiences and feelings and self judgment. So I think that's a missing step for a lot of people giving themselves a break for having these thoughts.

Unknown: 43:23

Exactly. I like to say that actually, because, yes, it is hard work to do, but often people like, why is it so hard. I'm like, I know, I think, I honestly believe within myself, at least my own journey, it is because we do inherit these stories in our molecular I don't know if it's a molecular level, but in our bodies, we are cellular, like we inherit this not enoughness. I'm not safe. I'm not safe. And look at women. I mean women how to look a certain way, just to be married, just to make sure that home for them and their children, they couldn't even have a bank account. My grandma couldn't even have her own bank account like her, not enough space was so deep

Nicoa Coach: 44:04

50 years ago. This year was when women got the right in the United States of America to get a credit card.

Unknown: 44:12

There you go. Depend on, really, she had abusive husbands. She had a she had a report to to depend on abusive men to be able to survive. So, of course, she was mean. Right girl, right to be mean. You know, I forgive her, and yeah, no more,

Nicoa Coach: 44:33

no more,

Unknown: 44:33

no more, like when I'm out naked in the desert taking videos that she was very Christian as well, so I could just see her like in real life. If she were alive, she'd be like, I know she's like, Yes, honey, Yes, honey, yes,

Nicoa Coach: 44:54

yes, baby. She's up there loving on you, and she is there supporting you and guiding you through this beautiful life experience. You know, a lot has changed in a very short period of time. We as women need to celebrate and stop I mean, we need to vote accordingly, but we also need to celebrate and make sure that we are in embracing who we are and how far we've come. You know, I have two daughters, and they know I make it really clear, this is a privilege, your your your opportunity here is to make a difference and embrace and embody your whole self. I mean, we've really given them some freedom. Talk to me a little bit about your relationship with your son, how that's going as a mother and and what are some of those examples where you've you've leveraged your learning and your knowing to help. Him live a more fulfilling life.

Unknown: 45:51

I always, I never knew if I was going to be a mom. I always was like, Am I too selfish? Am I too self absorbed? I don't know. Then he came. He's actually, I don't know exactly how I conceived this child. He's truly a miracle. I was with a partner at the time, but we had broken up, but we were business partners, and then I found out I was pregnant. I was like, Okay, here we go, but I hope it's a daughter, because I don't do no boys. I was like, I couldn't wait to the moment I could go get a sonogram to see what the sex was, because I was positive she was a girl. You're having a son. I was like, oh, okay, time for some healing right away. He's my little medicine man, you know, like, I had so much trauma around men and like, I was like, Okay, there's more work to do. There's more work I get to do here, and birthing him and having a son is I didn't know. I couldn't even predicted the gift

Nicoa Coach: 47:01

that he'd be instilled Yes,

Unknown: 47:05

so much. I love

Nicoa Coach: 47:07

you for loving him. You know, our men today need mothers like you,

Unknown: 47:14

10 more sons. I'm like, damn it. I don't have a universe anymore, but I want 10 more

Nicoa Coach: 47:20

fostering. I

Unknown: 47:21

need to start fostering children because and I see like, he's so tender, but he's also like into sores and fighting, but he likes cuddling and kissing. He rubs my back. Out of nowhere, just come up me like, start rubbing my back. He's in a bigger body. He's his body very similar to mine when I was his age, and the diet is now. And he has such confidence, such confidence and like such peace. He's like, Yeah, my body, I'm strong. He's like, some kids tell me I'm fat. That's all right. I know I'm strong. And we talk so much about other people's opinions and talking about bodies, because, again, I was so worried in the beginning when he was younger, like, oh, kids are gonna come into his body. I'm like, Okay, wait a minute. Yes, kids are gonna comment on his body. So how can we approach it? Yeah, and so that's the work that we do. Of like, folks are gonna say, what they're gonna say, what do we want to believe about our precious bodies?

Nicoa Coach: 48:30

That's it. What do I want to believe? What do we choose to believe? Yes, because, you know, as I joke, you know, you're the common denominator to this whole life, right? It's your life. It's your life by design. It's your son's life. And how can he embody his own truth and literally embody it, embody

Unknown: 48:50

it full. And he's I just told him on Friday when I was driving him home from school, like I just love your confidence. I couldn't imagine being your age with the confidence that you have. It's so beautiful. I'm so proud of you. And how do you feel about your confidence. You know, we have a lot of conversations like that. And also, yeah, I'm good, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, he's just so late for him.

Nicoa Coach: 49:21

We

Unknown: 49:21

but, you know, it's I also really, because I'm really, right now into shadow work and and really holding tender the parts of myself that I rejected, you know, my jealous parts, my envious parts, my petty parts, you know, all these parts that I just I'm not that. Like, well, actually, yes, there are parts of me that are like that, and they don't dominate. And so I love talking with him too about making mistakes and like, we don't have to be freaking perfect, not like I'm always confident, like, sometimes we're not confident. That's also okay. We're allowed to be this multi dimensional way of feeling, you know. Sometimes it's hard days, sometimes being human is hard, you know, and other days it's really easy and fun and everything in between. And I really just because he loves, He loves with games and winning, you know, so that's, that's where I get to work with him. I was like, it's also, you know, failing is, is part of life as well. It fucking sucks. No one likes to fail,

Nicoa Coach: 50:24

right? I love that so much, because, you know, energy in motion, the emotions they they all have value. Every emotion is trying to message us. It's like a messaging system.

Unknown: 50:39

Yes, the messaging system, exactly it is, if you can

Nicoa Coach: 50:42

listen to it, what is this? I'm all upset. What is this trying to tell me, if you can have that conversation, you. Are truly empowered. You know, I spent a lot of time trying to get my kids to stay happy. I had very little time with them, working in the corporate world. I was gone a lot. They had to stay at home, dad, and so when I was home, I wanted it to be perfect and fun and happy. And what do you mean? You're going to be in a bad mood right now? You You're ruining it. That's what I remember, thinking, you're ruining it. And I never I don't think I said that out loud, but they certainly must have felt my energy. And I think in the lineage, I would look back and say, Oh, that's because when one person in the family of five I grew up in got upset. It ruined it. It ruined it. So I was always trying to make sure it didn't get ruined by keeping everybody happy. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm still working that shadow work too. I mean, this divorce I'm going through. I had to say, My friends say it a lot. Well, Nicoa, you know, that's human. You know, that's normal the way you're feeling. You don't have to get over it. Yeah, right. And I'm right, exactly, okay, yeah, I'm

Unknown: 51:47

still upset.

Nicoa Coach: 51:50

I'm happy, but I'm still upset. And you can hold both, right? I mean, you talk about these different levels of dimensions, and you can hold both sets of emotions together. I don't know if you play with that. Oh, honey,

Unknown: 52:04

yeah, but you literally are talking my favorite thing right now, like, that's all I'm about. I'm whole. Like holding the multiplicity, the multitudes, holding it all. You know, I used to think like had to be one way or the other way. You know, it's like, no actually, today, I do have some grief, but I also have so much gratitude. I also have a little bit of annoyance, like so happy all of it. Actually can hold it all and moment like some bubble up more than others. And I love shadow work, because when I sense myself like, get snappy, specifically, like, with my husband, he's, bless him, he's the one that he likes my shadow real easy. But I'm so proud, because now I'm able to, like, Whoa, I want to punch him. What the fuck is that? Like, you know, like, I get to do my own inventory within and he doesn't even know. He doesn't even know. Because I know, like, okay, okay, what is it?

Nicoa Coach: 53:04

I think you really nailed it. Because I think the best way that we can heal and grow is in relationship same and whether you're with someone intimately, or it's just the relationship with you and the cashier, right, or you and that one person at work, the relationships are showing up for you in order to trigger you, in order to cause you to say, Oh, wow. Why do I feel that way. Honestly, I am most grateful for John, and although we are not together, and I'm choosing not to continue that relationship, I think he showed up for me exactly the way he was supposed to. We clearly had some sort of soul contract. He would not see this. He probably doesn't understand. But for me, I'm so grateful. I grieve, but I'm grateful to your point, yeah,

Unknown: 53:58

grateful, yeah. Right now I'm struggling with my co parent. We've had a beautiful co parenting for many years, and there was some miscommunication, some missed opportunities, and I have a lot of anger, which is mine, and I'm I'm still working on that, and simultaneously, I'm so grateful for him and his partner, actually, I actually love them both, and I'm also really fucking angry at both of them, like both are true, And I gonna hurt anyone with my anger? I don't, but it is information, and I'm still trying to figure out what exactly it is. And I do my breath work, and I go for my walks and like I love it, because the other day, we had a conversation so angry, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't give it. I didn't give it to anybody. I took it to my Hill, and I walked with nothing, no audio, just walking with my dog. And I was so petty. I was like, Man, I just allowed myself to be a petty little bit. But like, 45 minutes into it, like, and I'm so grateful for them. Yeah, I don't have to be best friends with them right now. That's okay. No, I'm really grateful for them holding the multitudes.

Nicoa Coach: 55:22

That's right. I mean, that's a beautiful way we have to go through it to get to the other side. And I used to just try to avoid it. I would just try to redirect, redirect, deflect, deflect. And I've learned more in the last, you know, five years about going through the emotion of it and doing root cause analysis. Why am I feeling this way? What am I making? My favorite question, what am I making? This mean,

Unknown: 55:48

I was like. That question.

Nicoa Coach: 55:49

I think that question changed my life. I really do this work is so

Unknown: 55:57

beautiful. It is. Some

Nicoa Coach: 56:00

people might say it's privileged work, but I disagree. I think we can do this work if you can observe yourself, you can do it no matter your circumstance. Now, some people might be distracted, obviously, by primary needs. But I can tell you something, those of us who have been privileged in one moment, we can have primary needs right damn quick in the next. And I speak from experience, and even in those moments of terror when we don't have what we need, our basic needs can't be met in that moment, we can still do the work, and that's where safety comes back. I really love that. Do I feel safe? Can I create safety? And have you ever heard of this concept called the havening practice? No, it's where you take your hands and you do what the mother of a baby would do, rub your arms, hold yourself, yeah, yeah. It's called havening, and I not learn of it until the summer, and I do that now. I'm like, You know what? I am safe. I am safe. I love me. I love my sweet little self. I love my 55 year old self, right? And I think if people can remember to give themselves some compassion and love and touch. I find it not surprising that you went into massage therapy. You needed safety, and massage therapy gives people lots of safety. It feels like, oh, I can be touched and loved in a safe way. I'm not. This is not a threatening way, and you were able to do that for others. I wonder, Are you now able to really do that for yourself?

Unknown: 57:35

Absolutely. You know, my mom is, despite all the things that she had very little money, she would get me bodywork, she would get me massages, as I think I started when I was around 12, and he was my original inspiration for massage. His name is Greg. He still lives in Mexico, also an expat, beautiful man. He was like, you can make people feel this way, safe, safe touch where I feel so held and safe, and no one's gonna hurt me or do something put their fingers in places I didn't even know I had in my body, right? So, yeah, massage was she she got me so much. She also got me acupuncture. She also took me to Coronavirus in Mexico. Like my mom is an amazing woman as well, and but yes, what I do for myself, I didn't know this technique, you just said, but what I do a lot is hold my face. Oh, I love holding my face. And of course, the heart is very normal, but like, especially, and sometimes I like to imagine crone me, like, you know, 90 year old, wrinkly hand, crone me holding my face when I'm like, I don't know, she's like, Oh, honey. Oh, sweetie, it's okay now I know the last three months, I've barely been meeting my survival needs the last three months, and I've been doing healing work. So, yes, it COVID exists, having a hard time buying groceries back in June and July, and

Nicoa Coach: 59:06

that's so weird. So was I, and I had to accept generosity from

Unknown: 59:11

me too, and people had to step up and help me. Yeah, same. And

Nicoa Coach: 59:16

I think people listening to this podcast, hearing me say that will be shocked. But same with me, you, yeah, you and I, I mean, yeah, we are so mirroring right now, but the learning how to receive. Yes, holy moly, talk about setting your pride aside. Yeah. I mean you, I would only say no, like twice, and then I'd say, okay, okay, thank you. Okay, because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what else to do. And how

Unknown: 59:46

beautiful we've cultivated a community that like, like that. You know, like, damn, I surround myself with amazing people.

Nicoa Coach: 59:56

And you know, the what we've done is we're attracting them in a vibration as we've become more balanced in our masculine and feminine energies, too. I think we're, we're able to be in a space that we vibrate higher and also making choices. You made some big life decisions. This summer. You decided to sell the van. You decided to sell your house. You ultimately took responsibility for your circumstances. Said, Well, I gotta fucking do something different. So what the fuck am I gonna do? And you did it. Did it. I'm so proud of you.

Unknown: 1:00:28

Thank you. I didn't end up selling my van. I kept

Nicoa Coach: 1:00:33

her I really love your van. I kept my

Unknown: 1:00:35

van, but I did sell my house. And to be honest, at first it was a little scary, but then I was like, Oh, wait, actually, I have been wanting to do this for a while. This is this, is it? This is the opportunity for the next I've been wanting to down. I've been wanting to simplify. One of the reasons I've been struggling is I own a home all by myself, and I'm married, but we don't live together. And maintaining this home by myself. I went a little gung ho. I got solar panels, and I knew all these like, Oh, these things. I wanted to make this home, like, so green and and I was like, Oh, these people give me credit. Let's do it. So yeah, I incurred a lot of credit, making this home fabulous, and not knowing what I was doing, and then realizing, oh, shit is too much. And I made a really beautiful Hono that I can sell to someone who can take coupe to has the savings account to take care of this house, who can pay for what she needs. And I found this incredible Potter artist woman she's gonna who's buying this house, and I built a yurt, which is my art studio, and she's gonna make that into our pottery studio. And I get to go more into nature and simplify, and I could keep this house if I wanted to really hustle and work more. Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 1:01:57

that's right. My brother said there's two things you can either you can either work harder and make more money, or you can simplify and have less things you got to pay for. And

Unknown: 1:02:08

I know, like, you know, I could also learn how to work differently. I don't have to work so hard. Yeah, yeah, I agree. But here's the thing for just for my personal story, is I require a lot of stillness. I require a lot of just doing of nothing, and I used to be feel really ashamed about that. I'm kind of slow, and I feel so grateful that I was able to do what I did here, and I racked up the debt, but this house is a little gem that I get to deliver to this precious woman, and now I get to go do something that really is gonna support me in my best way, and I can slow down and not feel guilty and not feel like I have to hustle to pay my bills. You do not soften my art and soften into more motherhood. And yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 1:02:56

I think that's beautiful. I think we would all benefit from slowing down. I had a client last week that I invited to when we hung up, I said that you're gonna go get a coffee, or you're gonna go to the bathroom, or you're gonna get up and walk away from your desk when we hang up, most likely. And I said, what I'd invite you to do is walk 50% slower than you typically would. And he was like, wow, that's going to be difficult. And I said, that's why I'm inviting you to do it so everybody listening, where do you find? Your stillness, your softness, your gentleness, your tenderness? I think that's a missing priority in our society, and I'm grateful that you brought that up. I you know, just on that it's tricky,

Unknown: 1:03:48

and I'm grateful because I've had really fun success, but to maintain that the success requires at least just for me, I'm only speaking for myself, requires that I have to do things that don't feel good to my nervous system, that don't feel good to my personal makeup. It did when I was younger, when I was in my 30s. It worked, and now to do this means I don't post as much as I did. I don't do as much things that bring me success, and that was a hard thing to get done with. Seeing my numbers not grow on Instagram. You know, I'm not growing and following anymore. I'm not, you know, it's like my I don't get as much attention as I did five years ago on social media, and all of the all the success that I worked so hard for, I see it slipping away, and it's like, scary, and then like, Oh no, honey, but that's what we need right now. That's just right now. Who knows what'll happen. But right now, I do need to let go of that. I do.

Nicoa Coach: 1:04:50

I think you're ahead of the game. For a lot of people, I've been inviting myself to find what is the path of least resistance, right? Because if it's not fun and it doesn't feel good, then why am I doing it right? If I'm not getting kind of this full body Yes, on posting on social media or working on the website. When it feels good, it feels good, but if it doesn't feel good, I push way back now and start questioning that. And like you said, it's this is what I need right now, and that is moving forward in faith, not fear, and whatever that faith is. For you, it doesn't matter, faith in yourself, faith in the universe, Faith in a God, whatever you want to call it. But if we can continue to step into a space of ease and faith, guess what? Everything that you're supposed to have will come to you. My. Much more quickly, probably, yeah, things

Unknown: 1:05:51

I could even imagine. Because I just I get giddy. I give my keys to the new owner here on November 8, and I get my keys on November 8. So November 8 is, like, so exciting, right around the corner, and I think, oh my gosh, what am I gonna do? Because I my bills are reducing by two thirds, like, the spaciousness that I'm gonna have is like, I mean, I could write that memoir I've been wanting to write it. It's not that I want to be productive. It's just like my my artistic self, which is so innate in me, it's so innate. She's like, Oh my gosh, we're gonna have time to explore that. That why I love photography in the first place, why even got into, you know, like my my deep love for art and creating art, she's gonna have the space to return again, because we don't have to worry about pain. Oh, that's just my story, though. I don't want anyone to think that that's the story. That's just my

Nicoa Coach: 1:06:50

story, of course, and that's what these interviews are about. They're your stories, the kind of life you don't need a vacation from. And guess what? You're just now designing it in a way that you don't need to desperately escape it. And you're you. That's it. It's creativity. Everyone you are creators. And if you're not creating the space, giving yourself permission to take the space to create, it could be the creating how you interact in the boardroom. It could be creating how you interact in your artistic studio. It doesn't matter what you're creating. No, it doesn't, but you are the creator, and remove what no longer serves you so

Unknown: 1:07:31

because success and Instagram followers and all those things are so like, dopamine, like, oh, wait a minute, but if I'm chasing that, where's my spaciousness to like, Allow that creativity and with more gentleness and juiciness,

Nicoa Coach: 1:07:52

I would ask you this, you know, and then, of course, we have to go. But I would ask you, when you were blooming with the photography work in those two books, did you have more space then? Did you have less burden, or perceived burden, during that time frame, it was just a different energy. I

Unknown: 1:08:15

think it was a different energy. I feel like I thought that that was just how it was, like when I look at my calendar from like, before COVID Specifically, I was like, how did I do that? Oh, yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 1:08:31

I don't know, today if I have more than two appointments, I was like, Oh my God, when am I gonna have a nap? Jesus,

Unknown: 1:08:40

I think my hustle, like, I just thought that's what I had to do, and I was able to keep it going, you know, but from a very fight or flight place, like, I was on high blood pressure medication. I was on antidepressants. I was like, barely, like, keeping it together. I really hated myself, you know, like, oh, you know, like, I love that version. I was like, I'm so proud of her. I'm so proud. And I did. I got really great success. It was beautiful season and but

Nicoa Coach: 1:09:10

that the definition of success, success according to fucking who, according to who. And so now we get to say, Okay, in this season of my life, success looks like having a nap every day. You know, this is my life by design, right? Cleaning. Success

Unknown: 1:09:27

looks like cleaning. I have this huge property that I have, like, yes, successful

Nicoa Coach: 1:09:32

cleaning lady, thank you.

Unknown: 1:09:35

Lady, Yes, honey, we love you. We love you.

Nicoa Coach: 1:09:39

I've only been able to have her come once since John and I split, but when she came, I was like, I was like, Honey, just stay as long as you need. I will find the money. I will find the money.

Unknown: 1:09:50

We are finding the money for your angelic presence here one

Nicoa Coach: 1:09:55

time in seven months. Oh my god, but let me tell you, and I'm much better at cleaning my own house again, but I look forward to the day not only will I have her back, but I will also have my regular massages again. That was preventative, that was really healthy, and you know what? It's okay. And even if I never have her again, or I never have those massages, that's okay. Yeah, I'm actually not attached to that, but I know it can be possible if that's what I want. Yes, that's what I choose. Yes, yeah, I'm so proud of you. You would Oh, thank you. Love fest, yay. How can people find you? And if they want to hire you as a self love Coach, I highly recommend you, if they want to go to Tucson and get photos taken or have you come to them,

Unknown: 1:10:42

Come on desert, especially this is our time of the year, we start to shine in the desert. Everyone gets cold, but we're. Like, out here naked in the desert, like this is the time to come get naked photos in the desert.

Nicoa Coach: 1:10:55

Where can they search you, find you and connect with you.

Unknown: 1:10:59

You can find me pretty much@jadebeal.com, and everything is linked there. And that's be all, like, be all you can be Beal. That's right,

Nicoa Coach: 1:11:09

two L's, I messed that up. First time I tagged you. I know I'm sorry. You are beautiful. Your body is art. The quote by you, my sweet friend, I take your words with me as I move through my life. I want you to know you've made a difference in millions of people's lives. I took your book to a retreat that I held back in the spring, and I could not get it away from my guests. They were passing it around. They were overwhelmed. There was one woman who took it and was so uncomfortable she couldn't it was difficult for her to even look at it and normal. I held space for her in that moment, but, but I was glad, because you are prompting us to see the world differently, and you, you are showing us the world through your lens, and you're showing us ourselves through your lens. And I am forever grateful, and I will always be one of your biggest fans. And I thank you, Jay,

Unknown: 1:12:10

thank you. Thank you, Nicoa,

Nicoa Coach: 1:12:13

I love you and I look forward to speaking to you again. Let's, let's set a date a year from now so we can see how your life I designed. Yes, I can't wait, because we could talk forever. Thank you, my dear. Thanks for

Unknown: 1:12:30

joining us for joining us. For a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicoa for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow Coffee with Nicoa and check out our website. Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa, n, i, c, O, A, we look forward to talking with you soon and enjoy your coffee between now and then you.