Espresso Shot 35: UNLEARNING

Nicoa discusses the concept of UNLEARNING, suggesting it involves reframing rather than erasing past knowledge. She reflects on her life, realizing she followed societal norms without questioning them, I mean who really does at a young age?! This realization led her to unlearn and rediscover her authentic self. She shares a personal anecdote about questioning religious practices and encourages listeners to do the same. Nicoa offers a life domain exercise to help listeners unlearn and rediscover their true selves, inviting them to engage in self-reflection and understand their motivations and actions related to their own LIFE BY DESIGN!

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:02

Sometimes don't you just need a quick moment of inspiration, or maybe you just need a moment of caffeinated contemplation to reflect on life. That's the idea behind my weekly Coffee with nicoa espresso shots. I'll be sharing short jolts of inspiration in each clip, in addition to my longer Coffee with nicoa interview episodes. Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with nicoa interview created just for you. Hey everybody, it's your weekly espresso shot. This is nicoa coming to you on a beautiful day, anticipating a hurricane by the time this post. So hopefully we will have survived it. Hurricane Helene is heading up from the south. Always an exciting time. Fortunately, it doesn't look like it's going to hit Wilmington. But this isn't a weather update. This is a coaching update. This is your espresso shot, and it's all about unlearning. I want you to pause for just a moment and think about that word. What is unlearning? On one hand, it's not actually possible. Is it? Can I unlearn everything I've ever learned? Maybe it's not really the actual unlearning of something, but it's the reframing of what you have learned. Can I learn to take what I know, what I've already learned, and apply it in a new way, or let go of pieces of it or rewrite it, or restructure it or redesign it? I like that word for my life by design, so that it better serves me. You know, I spent the majority of my life trying to do what everybody around me told me was supposed to happen. I thought I was in control. I thought I was designing my own life. I made choices on my own. I went down certain paths, I made decisions, I prepared. I got things I wanted to accomplish, and I accomplished just about everything I put my mind too. But guess what that was in a box of what I trained to believe were my only options. Now, maybe in the distance, I could see other people doing completely different things, but typically I was like, Oh no, this looks like the path, you know, American dream, that the checklist. So I did it, and I did it really well, and I had a good time. I mean, I really was like, This is great, until I woke up one day and was like, Why? Why is this not enough? Why is this not enough? Mainly because my belief in myself, my need to feel enough, which was a concept no one ever brought up in the 70s and 80s until now, yay. I never questioned my worth, but I had hung my worth on external validation, if this then that thinking cause and effect. Now what that prevented was me figuring out who nicoa was. I was the nicoa that was born into a world that had these rules and regulations and expectations of parents acting a certain way, relatives acting a certain way, friends, family, neighbors, marketing, okay. Oh, we do that. Oh, okay, we do that. Oh. There weren't a lot of conversations back in the day about why we did what we did, nobody really asked me, Well, why? Why do we go to school? Why are we getting a degree? You know, why do you want to hang out with that person? Or, why are you dating that person who doesn't want anybody to know that you're their girlfriend? Yeah, I did that once. Why? Why? Who is nicoa? Where is nicoa? Well, what matters most to you? Now, I remember coming back from college once during the holidays, and we were at church we went to we weren't a very religious family. We're more of the sea and ears out there Christmas and Easter. But I had gone to St James Episcopal Church where I was christened and somewhat raised, but not really. And I decided, oh, it's Christmas Eve, I'd like to go. So I went, and I was repeating words out of the the prayer book. And I'm reading these words and repeating them out loud. And I remember all of a sudden, it was like the first time in Nico's adult life that I began to question, why am I reading this? What does this actually mean? And I went through the whole church training thing at like, age of 13, but I didn't pay any attention. I didn't really know, and I'm reading this, and I thought, Whoa, I need to stop. It's like I've been told in a very clear, clear cognizant, which is, all of a sudden, I have a knowing, all of a sudden, insight comes into my head, and I just know. And that's just, it's a truth for me. And in that moment. And as I was reading out loud, I heard a voice in my head that said, Stop reading. Stop reading this. You don't even know what it is. You're putting these words out into the universe, and you're sending these out to in this, you know, holy space. And do you even know what it means? Do you believe that? Do you want to believe that? And is that something that's aligned with your belief system, your values, what matters most to you? Question everything, my friends, the quote I came across the other day that prompted this espresso shot was to remember who you are. You need to forget who they told you to be. Let me repeat that. To remember who you are, you need to forget who they told you to be. This does not mean I couldn't ultimately come to an understanding belief and alignment that said, Oh, I actually do want to be associated with these words, and I actually do want to align with the Episcopal faith as an example. I ultimately did not do that, but in that case, I would have been at choice. If I had gone back what I really have been unlearning over the past. I would say I didn't really start unlearning until about 1516, years ago, when I finally quit my job, and then I began to question everything, right? Why am I here? Why are we doing this? What matters most to me? What are my values, and how will I know if I'm living up to those values? Unlearning forces me to actually say, Okay, how do I want to be? And if I have to unlearn all of those beliefs that I was brainwashed with, you know, with all due respect I was brainwashed with it, then can I rediscover my authentic self? And one of the phrases I use when I market my coaching is I can help you find your true north by rediscovering your authentic self. That authentic self is who I invite you to question and have a relationship with today. Start talking with her. Start talking to him. Who are you? Why do you act this way? Why do you think it's important to live where you live, drive, what you drive, work, where you work, be with the people you're with. What matters most to you? Who are you, and is there something you need to unlearn in order to refind and remember your wholeness, that authentic version of you that was born onto this planet. I have an activity that I'm happy to share. So if you're listening, you've listened this far. Thank you very much. I have a life domain exercise that I learned from the new field network that I would love to share with you. So if you hear me and you're interested, send me some fan mail. There's a link in in the show notes, send me some fan mail and say, life domain, life domain, and I will send that to you. Don't forget to share your email address so I can attach it. It's time to unlearn everything they told you to remember who you are. You need to forget who they told you to be, so you can rediscover the authentic version of you that you want to love and get to know even better, you will then be able to answer the question, why you do what you do. Thanks for listening. Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with nicoa interview created just for you. You.