Espresso Shot 30: THE ROOT OF ALL SUFFERING

Nicoa discusses the root of suffering as expecting others to show up for us in the way we wish they would. She shares insights on embracing authenticity and living a LIFE BY DESIGN on one's own terms, and encourages listeners to accept that they cannot regulate other people's emotions and stop judging others for not showing up in the way we desire.

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:02

Sometimes don't you just need a quick moment of inspiration, or maybe you just need a moment of caffeinated contemplation to reflect on life. That's the idea behind my weekly Coffee with nicoa espresso shots. I'll be sharing short jolts of inspiration in each clip, in addition to my longer Coffee with nicoa interview episodes. Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with nicoa interview created just for you. Hey everybody, it's your weekly espresso shot with nicoa. Coffee with nicoa. I'm here today to talk about the root of all suffering. Yeah, I know I've thought of this often, and I've said it often, so if you've heard it before, it's time to hear it again. That's why you're listening. The root of all suffering is expecting other people to show up for you the way you wish they would. Let me repeat that. The root of all suffering is expecting other people to show up for you in the way that you wish they would. And the suffering comes when they don't right. They don't show up for most people do not react or respond in a way that you wish they would. I mean, some people do, and they're your really great best friends and and those people that you want to spend all your time with, but then there's a lot of people that you don't want to spend time with anymore because they just don't they just don't show up for you the way you wish they would. And here's the issue, you keep going back to them, expecting them to change. So the ultimate, I think, is young people Pueblo Is that his name says, the magic happens once you accept that you can't regulate other people's emotions. You know that is the magic. When you begin to accept that you cannot control how someone else is going to respond or react. My mother used to say that to me too. She'd say, Listen, now, if you're going to give somebody some feedback, you have to allow their reaction. Oh, man, sometimes we'll spend so much time planning what we're going to say to somebody. And this, this applies at work too. Like I had a client the other day who had to fire somebody, and oh, they were so prepared for that decision and that communication, and they had thought it through in their mind, and they'd rationalize the way they were going to approach it, and they thought through all the implications, and then after it was all said and done, the person didn't react the way they hoped they would. After all of their preparation, right, all of their planning, that person still reacted emotionally in a way that my client did not like. They were disappointed that the person reacted the way they did. And this happens to us all the time. I used to get triggered by the customer service representative I'd call up to complain about something, perhaps, or need to get a problem solved, and the way in which the customer service rep was reacting to me or responding to me seemed no it was. There was no validation like there was no acknowledgement of my own suffering. So therefore I judged the customer service person for not showing up for me the way they should have, right the way I wish they would. But once you accept that you can't control that, buddy, and you really hold yourself content that you don't need the other person to show up in a different way. That's when you really figured yourself out. And believe me, I'm a new woman. I used to be quite the reactionary biatch, if you will. When I was on a customer service call, I would say things like, you know, now's a good time for you to say you're sorry this happened to me. So self righteous. Like, oh my god, maybe I was one of the early Karens. Oh, no offense to anyone named Karen. Karen. I my, my good BFF over there. Sorry about that, but I really did get so self righteous. How dare I right or how dare thee that would have been the self righteous filter of my world. How dare they show up that way? How dare they react like that to me? Well, who did I think I was? Oh, my God. And who do you think you are sitting here complaining with your best friend right now about the way maybe your husband showed up or wait one of your kids reacted. I mean, how much time do we really spend complaining and whining, whining and carrying on about other people's behavior? We are wasting our lives trying to figure out why the other person shows up in the world the way they do, and we're only usually filtering it based on a judgment that they're showing up in accurately or inappropriately, or they're getting it wrong, and what. Who do they think they are? When you can recognize that every human being is filtering the world based on their own life experiences, and everyone, everyone, everyone is going to react or respond differently, then you can recognize it has nothing to do with you, because usually we're trying to figure it out, and then we complain because we don't feel better because of the way you behaved. I don't feel better because the customer service rep didn't behave the way I wanted them to to be have. They did not show up for me. They're showing up for themselves in that moment. Is sometimes people do it the way we exactly the way we wish, and most of the time they don't. When you realize that that they're just being them and you're just being you and you take responsibility for yourself, that's when you begin to live your most authentic life. That's when your nervous system starts to calm down. That's when you get to relax and go, huh? Guess that person sees the world a little different than me today. That's when you can lighten up. Everybody. Shine some light on it. Most of the people in the world around you aren't going to get you. They're not going to figure you out. They're not going to know, understand, or really see the the world the way you see it. Ever there's a few people that do, but those are the special few. Those are the best friends. Those are your mama, maybe, maybe those your your lover. Those people see you and they get it. But when you don't see you when you have an insecurity or a trigger that places the blame on the person that didn't show up for you the way you wish they would. That means you still have some work to do. What matters most is that you get you and that you respond to you, and that you are content and confident enough in being you, that no matter how many Whirling Dervishes around you there are, you can stay true to you and stay calm. The triggers will decrease, the disappointments will decrease, and you'll recognize that you're just living your life and so are they. Maybe some new questions will arise, maybe some new boundaries will be set, but you don't have to have your feathers ruffled just because somebody else doesn't show up for you the way you think they should be kind, know yourself and allow others to be them and live for you. It's your life by design. My friends life by design. I love mine. You should love yours too. I love you. Thanks for listening. Coffee with nicoa. Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with nicoa interview created just for you. You

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