S2 EP25: ANICA LEON-WEIL, The Sandwich Caregiver

Nicoa has the honor of speaking with ANICA LEO-WEIL, a fellow mother and caregiver known on social media as THE SANDWICHED CAREGIVER! They discuss the emotional toll of caregiving, the importance of creating a supportive community, and the challenges of managing care for loved ones with memory loss. The delve deep into addressing the needs of caregivers, who are often overlooked and undervalued in the caregiving process and how they foster a LIFE BY DESIGN with these commitments. Are you are a SANDWICHED CAREGIVER? Or might you become one one day? THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU!

Follow Anica on Instagram @The.Sandwiched.Caregiver

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope that will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Welcome, everybody to Coffee with Nicoa. This is Nicoa. And I have the great pleasure of hosting the sandwich caregiver from Instagram. Yes, you should pause right now and go follow her because she has been sharing much more intense and in depth caregiver Chronicles than I could ever hope to offer to you guys. Uh, Nika Leon, while welcome to the podcast. Thanks so much for having me. I'm happy to get to chat with you today. I'm really happy that you said yes. And you're based over in California, is that right? I'm in Santa Cruz, California, Santa Cruz. Now what makes you so unique is that I started following you about six months ago, maybe five months ago when I started really having to take care of my mother. And my mother is at for a very different story. Very different dynamic than what you're faced with and have you share the details of your circumstance. But you were a really calming presence for me. And it also kind of put it in perspective for me, because your dynamic is much more extreme than mine. So let me give everybody an intro. And then we'll just jump in and talk about all things in ICA. So I looked at your Instagram and you've you've pinned a nice summary with a beautiful photo of you with your mother, Barbara, and your beautiful daughter, Ella, you set up this account so that you could really welcome people in to share your story as a solo mom by choice. Love that. Also the fact that the only child and primary caregiver of your mother, mother, Barbara, who has Alzheimer's disease, such an such an extreme experience. You're also self employed as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. So that's good to know people can reach out to you. They're in California. I you love to be active, you love to read right now I saw your reading Diary of a drag queen. Okay, we should talk about that. And then you also love live music, you have a ton of amazing friends, which I've really been impressed that you've fostered so well in spite of the dynamics and commitments that you face. And you created this space to share your caregiving journey with others to offer strategies and support because it is a really hard and wild ride and navigating it, especially when you're faced with the circumstances you're faced with. It's just complicated. So yeah, so here's your story, you've got this great platform. Thank you for joining us. What did I forget to share with everybody about who you are before we jump into your day to day?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 3:09

You know, it's interesting, because I'm at such an different point in my life and sort of, there's such a contrast, in some ways between who I felt like I was five years ago and who I am today. You know, I'm a person who's loves to travel and has had all these wild adventures. And I sort of think of myself as that person, even though my life actually present day is very different than that version of myself. You know, that's still in me that was so present just a few years ago. But I think a lot is captured in that as sort of the the day to day life that I'm living now.

Nicoa Coach: 3:48

And how many years has it been since the role of caregiver really kicked in for you?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 3:55

Yeah, I moved back to my hometown in August of 2020. So we're coming up on four years, and it was actually pretty immediate. I had no real idea when I moved back that things were going to unfold the way that they did. I really thought like, my mom had had a sort of singular medical issue and I thought, I'm moving back I'm gonna have all this time with her. You know, it was the pandemic and I had sort of such a change in day to day life. I went from Yeah, this like very kind of fun, adventurous life. I was taking all these hip hop dance classes and I was traveling and I was working as a case manager in San Francisco and I was absolutely not ready to give any of that up. And then I sort of had to give all of that up because the pandemic hit you know, there are no in person dance classes. There are no shows at night. There is no travel. And it really forced a like reevaluation of my circumstances and Then my mom had this like medical episode, and I ended up moving back to my hometown. But I really didn't foresee myself becoming a caregiver, I just thought we would live closer and we would have a lot of time together. And pretty quickly after I came back things really, like, took a total pivot. Really?

Nicoa Coach: 5:18

And did you have your daughter yet at this point, or how old is your daughter,

ANICA Leon-Weil: 5:23

my daughter will be three in September. So gosh, I moved back in August, I really thought, you know, maybe this is a nice time to think about having a child. Having a child on my own was something I had thought about over the course of my life, but had no like, definitive plans. And again, I sort of thought, like, I'll have all this time with my mom, maybe she can help me look to like, raise a child. And that was when I decided to use a donor to get pregnant. And then almost immediately, it was suddenly like very clear, like, Oh, I am pregnant. And also something is not like, okay, with where my mom Wow. Yeah, yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 6:03

And how old was your mom at the time?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 6:08

She's gonna turn 80 this year. So she was 76.

Nicoa Coach: 6:13

So not that old. I mean, I really feel like the 70s. I mean, I'm 55. So I'm thinking, Oh, I'll be great in my 70s. But that's really quite scary. Can you share a little bit about the signs and what happened just for those who are starting to have these aging parents and maybe noticing things that are happening with them? Yeah. So

ANICA Leon-Weil: 6:35

I think as is often the case, for people, it wasn't clear cut in the way that like, you might see when someone in a movie develops Alzheimer's, and it's like, oh, they're forgetting some things. And then it was sort of a confluence, it seemed like of maybe some medical things that were happening. She had these two episodes of pretty severe delirium, about a year apart from each other, that the doctors thought could be stroke, and then thought could be like a medication buildup in her body. Where she was really like, from one day to the next, like, totally here. And then like, totally unable, she had really extreme aphasia, so she couldn't speak.

Nicoa Coach: 7:18

Wow. And

ANICA Leon-Weil: 7:19

both of those times, she was in the hospital for a couple days, and then seemed to really like come out of it almost immediately, just as quickly as she had gone into it. And it was after the second one of these episodes that I decided to move back home. And then yeah, it was sort of a strange mix of things, she started to have difficulty using her computer, which she was a marketing designer. So like, she really knew how to use a computer. And she started to call me to ask, like, how do you add an attachment to an email, I can't get the printer to work. And, and sort of around that same time, she had what may have been a dream, but she couldn't distinguish that it was not real. She thought a man had taken her to an office building, and forced her to work late into the night. And this was in, you know, the height of the pandemic. And, and when I sort of prodded, I was like, What man what building? You don't drive at night? And she was sort of, like, oh, em, I guess it doesn't make any sense.

Nicoa Coach: 8:24

Interesting. Isn't that the interesting part too, when they? How did? Was she able to articulate with you her awareness of these things in the beginning, like, Wow, I did forget that or Wow, yeah, that doesn't make sense.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 8:38

Much earlier, she started to articulate some of that. And actually, at the time, I really brushed it off. She would say, like, I don't remember names anymore. I'm having such a hard time remembering words. And, and I was, you know, in retrospect, now, I wish I had approached it differently. But I was sort of like, stop worrying about that, you know, you're giving yourself anxiety. I think you're making it worse by being worried about it. Everybody forgets sometimes, but I think she actually was quite aware that something was shifting for her.

Nicoa Coach: 9:08

And, and that's pretty difficult, too. And my mom is still going through some she has she doesn't have Alzheimer's, but she has dementia, and the short term memory loss and the long term memory loss. I mean, she was looking through a guest book that we had moved with her. And she said she texted me and she said, Did I have shoulder surgery? And I was like, Yeah, wow. And she said, No wonder my shoulder. I mean, and I don't mean to chuckle but this is the extreme moments and you really don't see it coming, like you said, and you're kind of like, well, you're fine. You're fine. Of course you did what? And then I've had a hard time to saying things like, Do you remember? Or don't you remember? And I? I've had to shut my mouth and that's been tricky. Talk to me about how you felt During these beginning stages, I mean, clearly initially, you're like, Oh, don't worry about a mom. But tell me when it started to show up for you emotionally.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 10:08

Yeah, right around the time I started to get pregnant. And as things started to really intensify, things intensified, then like pretty quickly. And my mom lost a tremendous amount of weight, like maybe 80% of her body weight in a year. Wow. And I was, I mean, I was freaking out. I was like, in part, I really didn't have a grasp on what was going on. I really wanted her to, like, try harder. And I think I was really, really frustrated. That like, why don't you just eat? Or like, why aren't you? I don't know, taking a walk every day, you're supposed to take a walk, it's good for your health, like, and I really was like spinning my wheels and spinning my wheels and getting so frustrated. And the idea that there could be something like Alzheimer's was so absolutely upsetting and terrifying to me that like just even trying to think about it for a second, I would like burst into tears. It was sort of like, the worst thing I could think of. And I think actually that beginning, well, I don't know, maybe this is not totally accurate. But the beginning the middle, were really, really, really, really hard and upsetting in a way that now even though things are much like more progress, and much easier. And there's many reasons for that, but I was so distressed. And I was also just had none of the structures in my life to support it. So you know, I'm a, I'm a therapist, I need to be in session ping, complete and total attention to people. And my mom was, at that time, still able to instant message and she was sending me a message and message and message and message and message and message me I'm on my computer trying to have session. All these notifications are just popping up. And I was really like, I felt like I was losing it.

Nicoa Coach: 12:46

Yeah, I'm sure you did. I mean, anybody in that situation would feel that way. And and I feel that way. You know, even today, I was noticing all the text from my mom, which love you, Mom, I don't know when this is going to air. I don't think she actually listens. But but, you know, I told her, I have a very busy day today, I'm gonna have this session, I've got a call right after and I've got a pack and then I'm gonna have this interview with a Nika and, and she has texted me constantly throughout the day. And I have to ignore that I used to answer every call. I used to, I mean, because you never knew. And when she was not near us, she was in a house by herself. I mean, it was a real challenge. But you're right, the frustration piece, and just wanting her to get her act together. I mean, my mom lost a bunch of weight to she weighs this week, we've been to the doctor this week, and last and three weeks ago, and she weighs 139 pounds. So we're literally texting as a family. And, you know, I'm saying yay, Mom weighs 139 pounds, because she was forgetting to eat. Just like it sounds like your mom was and and you have some extremes, though, tell me a little bit more about when you came, you know, any any pivotal moments to where you recognize, I have to take her and put her in full time to, you know, support and care. That must have been a very difficult decision for you. Yeah,

ANICA Leon-Weil: 14:14

it really, really was. And I think in part because like, we don't have unlimited financial resources, and she didn't want to go. And so the combination of those two things, I kept feeling like okay, but like, it's, you know, the care that we're paying for$7,000 a month, and we need to buy stuff on top of that, like that. Money goes quickly, you know, an extra years that is an extra, whatever $80,000 $90,000. And so I really was putting it off. And I also was sort of working on some other plans. I you know, the thing I think, and I don't know if this is your experience, but when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's for one, it took a really long time to get diagnosed. And go to once she was diagnosed, they really just said like, Good luck out there. Good luck, come back in a year for a follow up. And even when I was like, but but she's unsafe, she's like gonna burn the house down. She's not eating. Like, I'm afraid she's gonna wander. Like, I have a Yeah, at this point. I have an almost one year old like, like, what do I do and and there was really nothing. It was like, Well, maybe you should contact the Alzheimer's Association. They might Oh my gosh. So I really was, you know, having to research like, is there any kind of care that's covered? I really wanted to help her stay in her home because that was her wish, and it seems like a more affordable option. And we ended up you know, I think as things progress It became more and more just totally untenable. I was like staying up almost 24 hours a day, like monitoring the cameras and trying to, you know, coerce her to eat and trying to prevent her from burning her house down and and I hired a live in caregiver. And we had a harrowing situation. It was like a total nightmare. Oh, no. And I think that quickly, like sort of pulled that idea off the table. And not too long later. First, my mother broke her arm. But what was really sort of concerning is that she didn't, she called me many times that day and didn't mention the broken arm. She called me because she was out of orange juice, she called me because something was wrong with her avocado. And so shortly after that, that was sort of like one of the final straws. And then she got COVID. And once Coco, she became just more cognitively, like downhill. Yeah, downhill and, like more issues with incontinence, and it's really just became more than I could manage.

Nicoa Coach: 16:59

Of course, that process is so hard, it takes so much time and energy, and I just really want to commend you for keeping your head above water. Thank goodness, you've been trained in the world of psychology and psychiatry, because you at least could look in the mirror and you knew what to say to yourself, but I hope, how did you get support as well, you know, during all that time for yourself?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 17:25

Yeah, some pivotal points for me were when I started going to support groups, because I hadn't, you know, I didn't know my mom had Alzheimer's for a long time. And I was in denial. And then I think, once she was diagnosed, and actually about a month before she was diagnosed, I think, I came to a like, Oh, my mom has dementia. And I need to like reframe this problem, as like, my mom has dementia. And you know what, actually, that was a turning point. Because once I could Google, like help, my mom has dementia, there were resources. Yeah. And so I started going to support groups, I really started saying to my friends, like, I'm totally underwater, I'm drowning, like, I need anything. Any literal thing that you could do to like, help me, I need it. Yeah. And that made a huge difference. I was also going to an individual therapist. And then actually, sort of Surprisingly, even to me, I started my Instagram account about a year ago. And I didn't anticipate, like, how much community would come from that, and how much support would come from that, and how much I would be able to learn from other people. And it was sort of a game changer. Like, it also I think, like uplifted my own sense of self confidence. And so I think, sort of those four things. Yeah, it's pretty,

Nicoa Coach: 18:49

I mean, I have to, you know, I'm not, I don't have as big of a platform as you for this topic, obviously. But I have found I got more engagement over the past six months, eight months, when I talk about my experience with my mother, because so many people are like, I feel you and and, you know, it's an amazing one of the things I didn't expect, but I will be at the Walmart with my mom, or we'll be at the doctor's office, or you'll be at the grocery store. And knowing people, people everybody understands, and they give you the look, they give you this look like, like I see you. It's like moms do with when you your toddler is having a tantrum, the other mom looks at that mom and thinks, hey, I got you, girl. I see you. And no one though talks about it as much though about the caregiver piece. And you saw my post yesterday, I was like, nobody trained me. I'm unprepared. I really feel even with all that. I don't have time for the support group. Of course I should. But I don't even know there was one your arm broke that down. Is there a support group for me? Oh my gosh. I don't even know what the question is the Nika that summarizes it. That's how it feels. Right? Well, the other part is, what do people do that don't actually actually have access to $7,000? Because you sold your parents your mother's house this week. I sold my mother's house this week when this by the time this airs show. No, we held it back until it's said and done and the money's in the account. But what a relief, because there was enough money that will give her another few years. So yeah, another four or five years because of the house investment. What advice should we be giving people about investing for their parents? I don't even know.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 20:45

Yeah, I mean, I think it's really it's It's a systemic and societal problem. You know, when I think like, anyone who can, you know, one of the things that this has been a wake up call for me is like the amount of money that I thought I might need to live on when I'm older, like, I should, you know, really be thinking about that times five or something in case something like this happens to me. Similarly, like investing in long term care insurance, which is quite expensive, but can be a game changer for people.

Nicoa Coach: 21:17

You know, I think, though, that if you can find another two to $400 a month, I think there is long term care insurance available out there. You know, it might be worth it, as I'm watching this. And my mother keeps thinking that my father passed two years ago, but she's like, Oh, thank goodness, he made this, this investment. And I'm sitting there thinking, Well, yeah, but I wish we'd made more. I'm like, Oh, my God, what are we going to do? And all I keep thinking as well, I'll probably if we run out of money, I'll have to host her here. Yeah, in my home, which is, that's what we do. And I'm not upset about that. I don't, I don't feel this as a burden. I feel it more like a privilege. But it is, it is a heavy privilege. Because I want us to be communal and connected. I don't know, how do you feel about your role? I mean, you're an only child, I'm lucky to have two older brothers. But I'm the daughter, let's all be very clear. I'm the one caring for her, it makes more sense for her to be here so I can take care of her. How do you feel about your role? Like how do you define it now.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 22:25

I feel like it's a burden and a privilege. Like it's a privilege to care for my mom, it's also a tremendous burden to put my entire life on hold, you know, less. So now that I am able to have some breathing room now that she is getting other care. But and I don't think like when I say it's a burden, I don't mean that directed towards her in any way. I think like, we're just not to commit enough societally to support folks who are in this position. You know, if my mom lives another seven years, right, I have funds for four more years of care, and then she would need to move in with me most likely. And in part, some of that is because like, Alzheimer's is generally care for Alzheimer's is not covered through Medicaid, Medicare, or even medic Medicaid until a certain point in which the person is no longer able to do. It's a pretty extreme point, right? Like, if you can still lift your fork to your mouth, technically, you can feed yourself, even if you cannot prepare food, even if you cannot shop for food, even if you cannot keep yourself seated at the table. So the barrier to getting care is really high. And I think I would feel, you know, I've had this reflection so many times, like, I would feel so differently about this role. We're not so like financially stressful. You know, it's my, you know, in this world where maybe my mother moves in with me and needs full time care, and a few years like, that will not change that I have a $3,000 a month mortgage, and I'm gonna have to make that money. And I cannot do my normal job and care for my mother simultaneously. I mean, who knows, in in whatever way, then. But like, I think that part makes it feel burdensome in a way that just like, actually, if I didn't have to keep everything else at flow, it would feel more like just a role that I could take on them. You know, wholeheartedly,

Nicoa Coach: 24:30

for sure. And, and I think there's great stress and all of that. And you made a you made a post recently, and then I want to talk a little bit about Ella a lot about Ella because she's so wonderful. But I that post you made I don't think something about I don't think somebody else's post but you reposted it I don't think my brain has enough space for this grief or something. I that's the hardest part of this, I think is that you must show up. You have to show it's gonna make me cry. You have to show up and simultaneously grieve like you're showing up like I've got my act together. I am a law abiding citizen that is trying to keep track of the doctors names and the pills and why do they keep texting her and why didn't they text me when I changed that phone number and what do you mean that I have to help her sign up to get on the bus to go to the grocery store and she hasn't been trained how to do that at the place? She's? Yep. And my mom also can't talk to me the way she used to talk to me and she's fading away in front of my eyes. I mean, this grief is so heavy. How do you sit in grief? How do you sit in grief

ANICA Leon-Weil: 25:49

I try and just make time for it. And I think, you know, again, now that things have pivoted a little, that's more possible, but even when it was a million miles an hour every single day, it just comes out. Like, if you don't make time for it, you will just like me

Nicoa Coach: 26:06

bursting into tears at the doctor's office yesterday, because the pill dispenser didn't work out. And, you know, when I dissected that, I was like, Why was I so upset? And it was twofold. I was like, first of all, she never told me that there was an issue. So she'd missed a set of pills. And secondly, she publicly tells the story in front of the doctor who's looking at me as the caregiver, and I'm thinking, Oh, no, the doctors gonna think I'm not taking care of her cheese. But the doctor didn't care. She's she's not surprised at all. And I'm over here crying. Yeah.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 26:42

It's tremendous. And it shows up in so many ways, because it's this ongoing process of someone. Slowly, slowly, slowly changing. And then dramatically changing also sort of both at the same time. And even when you acclimate to the next stage, there's another stage and, and you acclimate to that, maybe, and then there's another one. And so there's this sort of continual process of grieving. And I think it was helpful for me when I realized that that was happening that like, every time my mom had a significant shift in how she was showing up, or how she was presenting, it was not uncommon for me to sort of be knocked down with grief. Yeah, and to know that I wasn't going to stay there forever, you know, when I sort of realized, like, Oh, this is sort of something that comes in waves, and I may be knocked down. But when you're knocked down, I think one of the hardest parts is that you think you're gonna be down forever, you know, I will never get another sip of air, I'm going to be under this heavy weight. And to sort of now like, No, I'm going to get knocked down, and then I'm going to stand back up, and then I might get knocked down again. And, you know, to sort of be aware that that's the process that's happening is helpful. It

Nicoa Coach: 27:53

is helpful. And you know, this too shall pass. And it may look different, it may feel different. It may be more extreme the next day. But you know, it's interesting, as you describe that, right? When something stabilizes, then it changes. Well, isn't that the same as raising children? Yep. So when I think about ELA, you are now in the trying threes, as I call a call that time period of my three kids. Talk to us a little bit about Ella and the joy, that I'm sure that you're holding simultaneously with the grief? How are you celebrating your motherhood and your choice to have this beautiful girl?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 28:33

Yeah, it's definitely an interesting process, right to be sort of like, and I almost can't imagine how it could have been different now. You know, that, like, simultaneously as my mother was changing from being sort of the parental figure, the role in my life, that I was bringing this new life into the world, and, and that experience has been so full of joy. And challenge, certainly, undeniably, I do try and sort of like, be present with her and have fun with her and be silly with her and, and in some ways, like, there are times that at least what she can bring, like a lot of levity and enjoy to like a situation that might otherwise be depressing or challenging. And it's really nice to sort of celebrate that in her and to watch her, you know, spunky spirit continue to emerge. She's

Nicoa Coach: 29:35

beautiful. And I've seen you share a lot about the positive interactions between her and your mom and how she brings joy to your mom. I mean, someone with Alzheimer's still has joy, they can still access their emotions. And I think it's been quite beautiful the way you've incorporated. I mean, you had to This Was Your Life. This is your family. This is You are the epitome of the sandwich caregiver. And it's just been really beautiful. I want to I want to commend you, For the grace in which you are portraying, and also the raw authenticity. I mean, it's, I think, right now, what do they say it's unapologetic authenticity, or we've just got to be there was some adjectives that was the new hot thing, but I get it. I mean, if if we can't tell how we're really feeling, then we we can't process it. And if you don't have a therapist, right, therapists help I have one and don't hire a therapist or a coach that doesn't have a therapist or a coach. But if you can't social media is a great way and you've given so much support and hope to people. Talk about what you're hoping for as you know that this is The downward spiral spiral for your mom, but a growth spiral for your daughter? How do you see your path going forward? Do you spend a lot of time dreaming about your future? Are you really quite focused in the Now, by default?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 31:03

You know, I recently was reading this book that actually had been my father's, my father was like, also a traveler, and he was a professor, and he taught a lot about, like, Chinese, like modern history. Nice. And I suddenly realized, as I was reading this book, it's all about like, this person who takes these like very intensive cooking classes over the course of years in China, that, like, I had stopped dreaming about doing anything, you know, that life was so focused on like, okay, get the baby up, get the baby change, get to work, see my clients, go pick up, you know, mom's meds, go get Ella, go to, you know, that, like, there was nothing actually that I was still looking forward to about the future that I almost couldn't imagine. You know, when I, to be completely honest, when I imagined, like, the future with my daughter, I was like, one day, she's won't wake me up, I was just so like, exhausted. And I think just actually, really, in the last few weeks have, I started to sort of like, dream into a little more like, a future in front of me, and the future for my daughter. And, and I think also, as things have stabilized with my mom a bit. You know, I think unfortunately, in some ways, like, my daughter had to take a bit of a backseat at times to my mom was in crisis, like, we were in crisis as a family. And, you know, whether my daughter cried a lot during visits was sort of like, sorry, we got to do him anyway. Or, you know, like, and so I've been able to, in the last maybe three or four months, sort of think about, like, how many days a week is good for Ella to visit my mom, more than just how much does my mom need to be visited. And it's really helpful actually to like, feel like things are loosening up in such a way that I can, you know, think about planning, maybe a big trip in the future with Ella and like, how fun that might be for us, which

Nicoa Coach: 33:13

is totally off the table. Yeah, and you were in survival mode and striving to survive constantly. And meeting primary needs, not only of your mother, but of your daughter, and then talk to me about self care, awareness and your own strategic self care. That's a big topic that AI is a foundation of a life by design. Tell us a little bit about what you've learned about yourself in that process.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 33:40

Yeah. I think I was always such a big self care person. You know, I'm a therapist. We talk about self care all the time. Yeah. I think pre Ella and pre, you know, my mom developing Alzheimer's, I would have like great self care habits. I was super active. I super healthfully. I lingered over books, because it was how I wanted to start my day. And I think it was a real wake up call to be like, yeah, no, that's not anymore. Um, I think there was an element of sort of self care as like, literal survival. Like, I need to walk out of this room, before I scream at someone was like, self care for a little bit, or, you know, trying to squeeze in some exercise or, you know, and it's tricky, right. Like, I think healthy eating has been a fundamental part of self care for me. And then for a moment, there was like, maybe six months where it was like, actually, speed is the factor like convenience, like I need to bring dinner to my mom, she can no longer make dinner for herself, I have to drive across town, like, I just got to pick something up. And so that sort of really changed. And then now again, I think, like, at a certain point, and and I'll be honest, to say like, I think it took me many, many, many months of like having this thought but not doing anything. You know, I think there was a certain point at which like, it became clear, like, actually, I think my mom was okay, and I think Ella is okay, and I think I'm actually the one in crisis here. And I have to refocus my priorities on taking care of myself. And I kept thinking that and thinking that and maybe trying to do it and then falling back and and not too long ago, I had some family visiting and I had like, my cousin and Aunt visit one week and then a few weeks later, my have a half sister on my dad's side who came to visit and I think everyone was sort of like you need to take care of yourself. Yeah, and I really have been pushing to make an effort the last few months to really shift like, I actually don't have to see my mom so much And there's like a grief in that. And, uh, you know, I feel guilty in some ways. But in that hour when I could be visiting her, I could be taking a walk, and just letting myself think and you know, like, I'm still parenting in that moment. It's not that it's just so relaxing, necessarily, but that I really had to prioritize, you know, spend $200 and have someone clean your house every few months, like, I just have to make some changes. Because I had been sick a ton. I got shingles, I gained close to 3540 pounds. Like, it just, I was not well, I was depressed. Yeah, so many things. And, and I just like, I sort of needed someone to like, yell at me. Like, you have to take care of yourself.

Nicoa Coach: 36:41

Well, the cost until the cost is so great. We usually don't take the action. And we have the story in our minds and not to project onto your story in your mind. But I know that, you know, there's a story in my mind where I'm like, Well, I can do it. And I, you know, why wouldn't I do it? You know, I love these people, I need to care for them. But there is that aha moment where you recognize that carrying everybody and I say this all the time carrying everybody all the time and showing up. And it's not the same thing as caring. And if you set them all down, you can still care. Yeah. So you don't have to carry in order to carry my

ANICA Leon-Weil: 37:22

point. Yes,

Nicoa Coach: 37:23

yes. Totally. Such a normal way of spiraling into that lack of self care. I mean, it's very, very, very common. Everybody listening has had this happen to them, and maybe in the throes of it now. You wrecked you reflected on other people mirroring back to you or saying to you, you got to take care of you. But what was it that I mean? You're you have to be willing. So did you just finally see yourself through their eyes? And that's what triggered you to say, Okay, I really got to do this. I think I

ANICA Leon-Weil: 37:57

saw myself through their eyes. I think just the literal circumstances changed a bit. You know, my mom was in crisis for quite a while even after she was in care. And that seems like it's leveled off for a bit now. Definite knock. Okay.

Nicoa Coach: 38:11

Right. You were getting texts from them. They were calling you and saying your mom's upset. You need to come help her eat her lunch? And yeah, I mean, I'm sitting there going, well, what's the $7,000 for?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 38:22

She developed a UTI. She was hallucinating, she thought she was assaulted. I mean, it was just a really rough time. And then that sort of cleared. So I think it was sort of circumstantial, I think it was seen and I also think, like to be totally honest, and, and this is sort of a thing for someone else. But like, I was afraid I was gonna like have a heart attack and die. And like, Yeah, I'm a single parent, like, I don't want to leave my child behind. I also don't want to leave my child like I want all the time with her. You know, my father had a heart attack or not much later than the Jayam now, and he Oh, he survived. But he eventually did die of heart disease, like very early, like pretty young also. So yeah, I think there was sort of also this just like Wake Up Call of, you know, it's one thing to put your needs on the backburner for three months for six months for a year, but this is stretching out or like going into, you know, the end of the fourth year, like it just can't be.

Nicoa Coach: 39:26

It's not sustainable, not sustainable. Right, and something will break and your body was already yelling at you so much throughout the process. I mean, shingles in and of itself is a big red flag for stop. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And we, and you're the therapist, I'm the coach. And sometimes we can coach and guide and help people help themselves. But sometimes we have to look in the mirror to and yeah, you're right, you had to put that oxygen mask on you and it's worth it, you're worth it, you are worth it. And you are more than enough. And even a better life by design role model when you're taking care of yourself, then if you were to just depleting yourself, that's not role modeling at all, and so good for you. I'm glad you had the wake up call. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, what, what what else should we share with everybody today? Because I tend to focus mainly on the individuals life, like their life by design and how you know, what it is that got them to where they are today. But I'm seeing this as an opportunity to share any other messages with people about who find themselves in similar circumstances. Any other aha moments or words of wisdom that you'd like to share?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 40:47

I'm sure there's plenty there. I mean, the thing that's popping to the top of my mind is really just this, like, you don't have to do it by yourself. And you're not alone having this experience. And I think, you know, I get a lot of messages from people who find, you know, resonance and some of the content that I share, and also just, you know, people I've connected with, just in my day to day life. And I think that's such a common experience is sort of feeling like you have to figure it all out by yourself. And sort of, you know, I know, for myself, as much as Alzheimer's is extremely common and other forms of dementia are, you know, as a group, extremely common, I hadn't actually, like known anyone who had been in the role that I had been in. And so I really sort of like thought I had to, I don't know, walk it alone and figure it out. And, and I think there's just such a tremendous amount of information out there, and not everything is going to fit and not everything is going to be useful, but not feeling just like you're on an island because it's a very, you know, yeah, it's an isolating Island to be on. And often the people that we want to turn to to talk about it with are the people who were caring for or experiencing. Yeah, the shifts themselves. And to me, that's just been a game changer.

Nicoa Coach: 42:12

Yeah, I'm really glad that you reminding us of all of that, because part of the challenge I find, as I tried to navigate it by myself, and, and I do have brothers, you know, like I said, But I'm the one on the ground, like I'm on the ground, you know, and I'm like, I do have my niece, thank God I can have she took my mother to an MRI today. And, you know, but part of the challenge of going and getting additional help as the amount of capacity you have trying to manage the day to day, that and running your own business and having your own kids and, and by the time this airs, going through a divorce at the same time. I mean, all I'm like, When am I supposed to go to the support group, you know, remind me again, like so sometimes you just can't, or you just force it, you just force it. And I'm literally going to look up a support group. I used to think when I, when I first got remarried, and I was a stepmom, I was gonna make a support group for new new step moms. Sounds like Oh, nobody, nobody told me how to do this. Yeah. So yeah, thank you for for reminding us because I think the capacity issue is the biggest one. And at a minimum, what you've done is you've at least carved out space for stillness and nature, like talk about how you have integrated that into your day in order to refuel, because I know you can't go to a support group all the time. And I know how hard it is to post on social media all the time, too. I mean, that can be a brain suck. Yeah. And draining, you know, especially if you've got you've got a nice group of followers, you probably feel a bit obligated to them. So how have you integrated flow to refill your cup? Yeah,

ANICA Leon-Weil: 44:01

I think I've had to prioritize like, what is what's important to me, what do I need to sort of function. And for me, like he is exercise key is being in nature, you know, having some time to read is like a vital time for me to sit still. And everything, I mean, not everything. First comes probably like the immediate needs of my family. But then those are some of my immediate needs. And so once work is done once, you know, even if it's just for a few minutes, and I think that's one of the gifts of being able to practice, you know, some mindfulness or some being present. And I don't mean some like lengthy meditation practice, but I mean, sitting for five minutes and being like, I can feel the sun shining on my face, I can feel a cool breeze, I can see the ocean I hear some birds, like just having that few minutes to sort of ground and reset. You know, I think nature is extremely healing. If I could spend more time in it, I absolutely would. And I don't think nature has to be you know, if you don't have access to something like you know, a state park or a beach or something right sitting in a park sitting under a tree like there's something just tremendously healing about getting away from and disconnecting from all of this stuff, you know, put your phone down to just clear your mind for a moment. Literally enter a moment can make a

Nicoa Coach: 45:33

huge list for a moment it you're right, you just went through I did this with a client yesterday, talking about you know, what can I see what can I smell what can I hear or what can I touch, you know, coming back to our senses and if we Remember that no matter what we've been handed is simply an experience. It's just a physical and emotional experience that we depending on your belief system that maybe we signed up for. Right? I kind of believe that I think we've got these soul contracts. And we made these agreements that we would show up for these other souls in our lifetime, and that they show up for us in a certain way. When I come back to my senses, and I just remember, I, you know, I'm here, here I am. Here I am, and wow, that made me cry, I wonder what that was about, or, okay, I'm gonna, when I go to the mailbox, as an example, I can see the mailbox from my office here. And when I go to the mailbox, I will take my shoes off and walk through the grass have to go out of my I gotta detour through the grass, and then back down the brick driveway. And that's grounding. Yeah, you know, or I'll sit, just stand and let the sun shine on me. So you you're giving very similar examples to how I have created flow. Yeah. And it doesn't take much to your point, just a moment, just just a second, to really come back into yourself. Yeah. And guess what? Your role modeling for your daughter in such a beautiful way. She's learning that, you know, family has different experiences, and she'll remember all this time with your mom, I know, she will.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 47:15

Yeah, and I think that's something that's felt really important to me, you know, is the coming back to myself and modeling that and also modeling the repair. I mean, I don't know if other folks you know, who may be listening sort of experience some of this. But in, in this situation for me, and another times in life, like, these are extremely stressful situations. And I won't be the first person to say, like, I do not always show up my best self, like, you know, so to speak, or I have lost my temper, I have yelled, I have, you know, I've had really low moments and this. And I think one of the saving graces for me, both, literally, for me, like, personally, in getting through this. And in particular, as a parent and as a caregiver, have been the second that I can make the repair. And the second, I can come back. I do. And I think removing all the self judgment from that is helpful, you know, I don't beat myself up about it, I or at least I try not to, or I'm, you know, try to catch myself if I'm doing it and shift and pivot. But like, I think the second that I can say to my child, like, I'm so sorry that I yelled, I was really, really frustrated. I'm, like, exhausted, and I love you. And I don't mean to yell at you, and you haven't done something wrong, and it's not okay for me to yell. I think that makes a huge difference. And I think that's made a difference for my mom. And you know, and I try and do that whenever I can. And I think when we're going through these, like extremely stressful times where we're at low capacity, it's just not realistic to think that we're always going to be, you know, when I think sometimes when you watch maybe like resource videos or parenting videos, they're short, everybody's, you know, in a role, like, and it's not a thing that's

Nicoa Coach: 49:09

real life. I lost my ever living shit the other day with my 20 year old, and she has never seen me react in the way I reacted in her lifetime. And I knew when it was happening, and it was a part of me that I didn't stop it fast. Because a part of me was like, This is me, this is my current, authentic truth. Now we recovered to repair you know, we repaired and recovered it, it was painful, and clearly left a mark on her. I'm sure she'll be in a therapist session, soon having a discussion about my inappropriateness. But that's okay. To your point. We are all human. And we might be therapists and coaches, but we're human. And to your point, this is extreme stress. And I wonder to your earlier point about systemic issues and implications. Sometimes it does come back down to what are we doing here in society? And why are we even putting our family in that? Why are we not having communal living? Why are we not talking about more access to health care, I filled out a 10 page piece of document the other day, and I 15 years ago worked for an electronic medical records company and I was beside myself that I was filling out this form. And I remember thinking what the hell what what is happening? And I don't know why there's value and all that for all of us, but maybe it's to have these conversations. tend to cause us to lose our everliving shit so that we can make some change? Yeah, yeah.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 50:56

Oh, really?

Nicoa Coach: 50:58

It is unfortunate sometimes. But it's also I think, if we can remember, there's value in every experience. Maybe it wasn't the yelling and the trauma I created or that you left the mark on your mother that day, maybe it was for the person who observed it. Maybe it was for you to you and me to be able to talk about it today. So I think there really is value in all Yeah, we can find the value at all. In retrospect. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that we go there is how long do we stay there? And can we recover? Absolutely.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 51:31

And how do we not beat ourselves up for going there sometimes, because

Nicoa Coach: 51:34

well, that's that's the thing. Yeah. Because I clearly wouldn't have brought that up if I wasn't still in some way judging myself for the experience. And, and I'm sure everybody goes through that. But again, working. And you are an amazing human and a wonderful role model. And I'm just so honored to have had you is, is there anything else you would like to share with anybody? Any any, where's your big trip? You're gonna plan to go on next, I want to hear about your future. And we'll have to touch base in a year and see what you did. Yes,

ANICA Leon-Weil: 52:05

absolutely. Well, I think Elena, you're going to take a little trip to Aruba. And actually just a couple months, and then I'm hoping to plan a bigger trip to maybe Japan and South Korea for a year. And I'm good. That

Nicoa Coach: 52:21

sounds fabulous Aruba and Japan and South Korea. Well, my son and I just decided to plan a trip to Japan and 2026. So if you need any tips, he's been there three times already. And he speaks Japanese. And he's only 26 years old.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 52:35

So Wow. That's amazing. He's

Nicoa Coach: 52:37

your resource. Well, Nika, thank you so much. I have one last question. I asked all of my guests and it's what do you want to celebrate the most about your current life by design?

ANICA Leon-Weil: 52:58

Think I would want to celebrate most that I've taken something that was like pretty painful, and turned it into something that feels like very purposeful for me to sort of, like celebrate my own resilience and growth. And yeah, like that, in, in this moment, at least. Like it doesn't feel like it's just been a negative, it feels like it's something that felt really, really hard at times, but has been, like something that I'm sort of storing as a positive.

Nicoa Coach: 53:30

Oh, what a beautiful reframe of turning your pain into purpose. It reminds me of when my father passed, my mother was speaking at the celebration of life and she said, I'm trying to turn my grief into gratitude. The pain into purpose, grief into gratitude value in all, I hope this has been helpful for everybody listening, and Nika. Hope you enjoyed yourself. I certainly enjoyed having you.

ANICA Leon-Weil: 53:55

This was great. It was so nice to get to chat.

Nicoa Coach: 53:57

I'll talk to you later. Thank you so much.

Unknown: 54:03

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicola for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow coffee with Nicola and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N IC O A. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then.