S2 EP21: G-REX + DIRTY SKITTLES, SH!T THAT GOES ON IN OUR HEADS!

S2 EP21: Hey y'all,  this episode was SO POWERFUL & FUN, hanging out with the co-hosts and best friends G-REX (Gretchen Schoser) and DIRTY SKITTLES (Charlene Deneen) of the very successful podcast SH!T THAT GOES ON IN OUR HEADS. We dive deep into the realities of mental health struggles, workaholism, burn out, self disparagement AND how friendship and asking for help is a key to survival! LISTEN IN for some major keys to THRIVING and creating a LIFE BY DESIGN you love...which, oh by the way, no surprise, starts with LOVING YOURSELF! 

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me are creating a life by design. I hope that will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Boom shakalaka everybody to Coffee with Nicoa I have two amazing guests this morning and this is one of those wing it till you make it type of episodes because I was printing out my shit this morning. And we can say shit because these two guests are from the amazing, famous podcast called shit that goes on in your Airheads.

Charlene Deneen: 0:54

Amazing and famous adding that to my resume. Thank you.

Nicoa Coach: 0:58

I was wondering why I forgot to write that in your BIOS the amazing and famous

Gretchen Schoser: 1:03

because for the dynamic, because we're humble. Oh, oh,

Nicoa Coach: 1:07

sorry. We are not accustomed to that word too much. I'm big and bold and brash sometimes in my, my, my braggadocious ways. Okay, guys, so yes, let me introduce you to these two amazing people. So it's really funny because in their podcasts, and these are best friends. So we've got G Rex, and dirty Skittles. So last night, I'm looking for their bios and I'm like, what are their real names again?

Charlene Deneen: 1:33

Can you see my aka when I logged it? Oh, there it is dirty Skittles aka Sharen

Nicoa Coach: 1:38

aka Sharlee and we've got so we've got Charlene and Gretchen here, which you know, but they're they're most known for their G Rex and dirty Skittles best friend ship. Okay, they have a podcast guys. That is really about being best friends and keep keeping each other saying through humor, engaging conversation. And yes, even the occasional curse word as I mentioned, and she rocks and dirty Skittles dive into lighthearted discussions about life's ups and downs and I had the privilege of being one of their guests recently. When we had such a good time, didn't we? We did

Gretchen Schoser: 2:15

We did

Nicoa Coach: 2:16

alright, alright so so people know who was who. G Rex. Why don't you do a quick hello and intro of yourself anything you want to say so we can recognize your voice?

Gretchen Schoser: 2:27

Morning all G Rex here. I live in upstate New York. We love it up here. I just woke up so I'm a little foggy right now, but it's all good.

Nicoa Coach: 2:40

You got your feet. Oh, right. I do.

Gretchen Schoser: 2:42

I have coffee in a mug that was specifically made for our podcast for dirty Skittles. Sorry.

Nicoa Coach: 2:49

That's awesome. Yeah, it's got the it's purple and it says shit that goes on in our heads. Which I forgot to use my coffee with Nicoa mug this morning. So we have the choleric islands. All right here. What about you Charlene? What are you drinking? Introduce yourself to your voice. Hi,

Charlene Deneen: 3:07

my name is Charlene aka dirty Skittles. I'm drinking out of just a regular old Yeti. Nothing fancy.

Nicoa Coach: 3:14

Oh, we want the sponsorship go Yeti go. Because my cups Yeti see wouldn't ACOA are Yeti.

Charlene Deneen: 3:22

Yeti keeps my beverages hot. All day long. Yes, your God. Yeah, what am I am a mom, a wife. Badass podcasting on the side, working a full time job still. I'm just fucking living life man learning about balance.

Nicoa Coach: 3:42

Yeah, learning about balance. And that's what we're going to talk about today. Because one of the things that I mean, we spend a lot of time talking about my philosophies around life by design when we were together the other day. And it's like that conversation could have just kept going and going and going. And I've been listening to some of your episodes. And I thought let's just start first before we get dig deep into the how you guys came together. Just let's talk about this concept life by design. What were your takeaways from that conversation with me that have stuck with you? I'm curious.

Charlene Deneen: 4:15

I was literally just telling my mother in law about our episode together. I feel like I'm still learning from that episode. Like it's stuck with me. And I was I was thinking today I'm like, Oh, I have so many things that I want to tell you because I, the last time we were together, I remember like coming to the realization that like, hey, I need to take a step back from like this corporate mentality and like focus on things that I'm passionate about that really make me happy. And it's, it's hard. It's a hard thing to do when you're so used to focusing on work, work, work, work, work, work, work, and not necessarily yourself. So my biggest takeaway was learning how to put me first

Nicoa Coach: 4:58

was there an example but You made a change since we last Yes. Oh, yes, there

Charlene Deneen: 5:03

is. Let me tell you the infamous dirty Skittles went and got a primary care doctor and got all my lab work done. So that I knew because my goal eventually is to want not eventually, but my goal is to be here long enough to see my son, get married and have kids and all this stuff. And with work, it was really stressful. Gee, Rex knows because I called her and I was talking to her about like, wow, I'm actually starting to feel physical effects of this job, that I was like, I need to go to a primary, I need to get bloodwork done. I need to know what I'm dealing dealing with and like, make life changes that may need to happen, right. So I did went to a primary got my bloodwork done, I know what I'm dealing with, and I know what I need to do make an appointment for a nutritionist. Ah, went went on vacation. Yeah, so many things have happened.

Nicoa Coach: 5:57

First of all, I think I'm gonna cry. I do this work. Oh, my God, that made me so emotional. Sharla because I could die today. Brain awkward, but I could I know you're not the only one who made a life change because of the either of these podcasts or and you guys are doing the same. Or the coaching work I do. And you know, people are like, I thought What would Nicoa do? And it makes me laugh because I'm like, Oh my God, and I'm just sharing everybody else's insights I read about somewhere I got trained in it's not like it's Nicoa. But you god dammit, I

Charlene Deneen: 6:36

did. It stuck with me for sure. Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 6:39

that's fabulous. Oh, what about you, G Rex, tell us what's been going on? You said you you stayed up a little late last night. What about your life by design takeaways?

Gretchen Schoser: 6:48

My life by design is really going full blown into my passion. Right? I get to work my my dream job every single day. Right? It's 60 who says that they actually love what they do. I love what I do. And so I've gotten like hard press onto the podcast, you know, redesigned our website. You know, we had a press release that went out and made me cry. I'm looking for new vendors for merchandise. I'm like, full on full in. And my wife is so fucking awesome. I am just gonna tell you, she totally stands behind what we're doing. And this is somebody that never listened to podcasts before. And she gets excited when our episodes come out. But here's the funny thing. Like when she listens, I have to like leave the room because I I can't do it. If somebody's listening to my voice. I gotta walk the fuck out of the room. I'm like, can you put headphones on?

Charlene Deneen: 7:45

Yeah, I just associate.

Nicoa Coach: 7:48

I totally get that because it's something about the broader audience. This is fine for us to share and talk. But then when your family and close intimate friends are listening, it's like, Oh, I'm so embarrassed. You're like, Oh my God. Are my kids. Oh, man.

Gretchen Schoser: 8:04

She wants to she wants to put it on the radio. You know, when we're out driving around? I'm like, No, can we just listen to music?

Nicoa Coach: 8:10

Well, at least she's excited. My husband's like, I'm listening to you all day already. I don't know. Whoa, you guys are pretty amazing. You've been doing the podcast now for how long? We

Gretchen Schoser: 8:27

just had our year, just a year?

Nicoa Coach: 8:30

Well, I like how you did that. So you've done it for a year. But you're in like season four. What the fuck? I mean, I was like Season Two of it's almost been a year. I'm gonna start Season Two. How do you decide that? Like, what's the rule?

Charlene Deneen: 8:44

I think in the beginning, we were just like, what is it like 1012 episodes a season and that was kind of our thing. And then we would meet every single weekend sometimes. Well, now we are back to our I think our original schedule. Yes. Which was like we would record for three to four episodes a day or a week. Every Saturday. Yeah, that's awesome. Just pumping them out.

Nicoa Coach: 9:04

I guess I didn't do enough homework. I think I did, like 50 episodes, and then I went to two. I think I was thinking in the concept of time. Yeah. Yes. You I read your newsletter this morning. I mean, I can really tell that you have put a lot into it. Gretchen you I mean? Are you using AI for those show notes? I mean, it's pretty impressive. The newsletter and I

Gretchen Schoser: 9:26

use I initially and then I go back and just rewrite it myself. I just use them. I just use what they give me and I'm like, You know what, it makes us way more personable because computer speak. You are a dog. We have to say, Okay, I want to put a little human touch into that. But you know, it's funny, it took us a year to get that newsletter out because it was something that was completely out of my wheelhouse and like the podcast is completely out of our wheelhouse to, if you look back at our original vision board in 2022 This was not on.

Nicoa Coach: 10:03

Tell me about this vision board. I mean, that's definitely life by design activity. So, yeah, because your vision board started well, maybe let's start even further back. How did you guys even become friends? Work work.

Charlene Deneen: 10:16

I remember starting my first day at this job and you kind of get to meet all of your like, desk mates, right? Like who you're sitting next to and you're comes to Rex just fucking walking down the little row of desks super chipper super short. I like comes into my into my little cubicle and she said, Hey, I'm, I'm Gretchen. And if you need anything, let me know. And I sit right over here. And like it was kind of it. She was very welcoming and accepting. And I would go to her for everything. I would just sit in her fucking little cubicle and look at her Christmas tree and ask her Hey, what about this and ask her all sorts of work related questions, and she always had an answer. So yeah, we just our personalities meshed.

Nicoa Coach: 11:02

How long ago was that?

Charlene Deneen: 11:05

Oh, God, like seven and a half years ago.

Nicoa Coach: 11:08

Wow. So you're really our best friends. And you then did you have the idea to do this creative endeavor together? Before or I know there was a pivotal moment Gretchen in your life. Maybe it's time to share that story. So we know how this podcast really got launched?

Gretchen Schoser: 11:28

Yes. So Christmas Day, 2022. I had a massive mental breakdown. Like, I was terrified. And so the next day, you know, called talk to dirty Skittles. And we just kept this conversation going. And like, every day, we would laugh about something super stupid, right? Like things you probably shouldn't laugh about. And we use this as a mechanism to like, just get over the daily bullshit, because our jobs are really super stressful and found that, you know, be a combination of therapy, sharing my story on social media, and laughter I was just actually feeling better. So one day we were, we were laughing about some stupid shit. And Charlene is like, Hey, we should do a podcast. Because I was just waiting for her to like, say it, but we, you know, that was January 14, then on February 14 2023. We launched her podcast and never in a million fucking years, never did we think that we would have the reception that we did, we thought, oh, people are gonna listen for three months and like, be like, Okay, you guys are gonna go listen to something else. But I mean, we're a year and a couple of months in, and we've had 275,000 downloads. And we've listened to in over 60 countries. Okay, I still want to know how fuck translates in Japanese. So still trying to

Nicoa Coach: 12:54

tell us he speaks Japanese? I'll find out.

Charlene Deneen: 13:01

Yeah, but I mean, this really goes to direct, like, I give her a lot of credit. Because for me, I sometimes will say things like, oh, let's do that. And it's just a fun idea. But I don't. I don't put like, you know, too much effort into it. Do you Rex really took it and pushed it to what it is today. Like I just a show up, I get to talk to my friend make her laugh. She makes me laugh. And it's just fun for me. But for us, she really saw I think the value in what we do, and shared it with everybody else I was I was down to just, you know, FaceTime and just chit chat. And already means so right. It's really to her credit.

Gretchen Schoser: 13:38

But what's really nice about it, Nicole, is that not only do our listeners learn something, every episode, but we learned something new every episode. It's funny, we'll be recording and I'll see Charlene like writing stuff down. And she'll be like, Hey, can you repeat that again, because you know, I want to write that down or, you know, somebody's class or an offer or purchase some way somebody's dealing with stress or a mental health crisis in their life. I mean, we need this we need to normalize how we talk about mental health because it is such an important topic and a lot of times it gets swept under the rug. And I can say for myself, that's exactly what I did is they swept all those emotions and all that crap underneath the rug until Christmas rolled around. I was like, You know what, kind of tired of this and I want to be done. But there was, you know, there were there was a glimmer, and we talked about that in my in our anniversary episode. There was a glimmer. Yeah, there's something better was going to happen. I did. All right. I'm going to tell you live on this side of depression is a billion times better. Oh,

Nicoa Coach: 15:28

yeah. And I'm really glad that I don't want to skirt over it to your very point. Because you excuse me, you've had that moment. And I think you shared that you dialed 988 that day. And for those you know, we'll put this in the show notes but for those that aren't aware 988 Is is a national phone number and there are other countries have A number as well, that you can look up if you're not listening from the US, but 98988 gets you access to a counselor immediately. What was that? Like? At what point? You know, tell us a little bit about the shit that was going on in your head that Christmas Day? And that what thought did you have to have to pick up the damn phone? Yeah,

Gretchen Schoser: 16:10

that the last quarter of 2022 was horrible. Like, every kind of crappy thing that could happen did. And I just I got to a point where it just didn't have any place else to go, you know, at my age at 60. You know, we're all taught to like shove that shit down as hard as you can go until it has absolutely no place else to go. And I you know, the weather was crappy here, the cars when start. You know, I was just so freakin depressed and terrified, right? Because I couldn't find my voice. I couldn't find my footing. And I couldn't exactly tell my wife what was going on, because I didn't know what was going on. And I picked up the phone, I called my new date. And they were amazing. Amazing. The very next day, I was on therapy, I actually scheduled therapy. As soon as I got off the phone with them. I was able to go downstairs and talk to my wife, but I was in tears. I cried straight for like three days. Yeah, and, you know, when I called and talked to Charlene, the next day, I mean, she, she said something about her voice, and she just makes me laugh about the stupidest shit ever. And I I'm just I'm so thankful, you know, for being able to do that. And to just share my journey, you know, because I gave people hope that, you know, things can get better. And I shared my whole story, my journey, my healing, I still do to the state. And I, I'm just, I'm happy that it all panned out the way that it did, because it could have been the other way. But I don't think that I had I did because I spent, you know, three months beating the crap out of myself, right? I give myself any self love or self care, you know, I take care of everybody else's crap. And I couldn't take care of my own. So yeah, you know, just for people that are listening, like self care and self self love should be a priority in everybody's life. And also setting up boundaries. Because if it smells like drama, it didn't come you know, there's a box and I have a can of black spray paint. I'm just gonna paint over you can't see you your drama. No.

Nicoa Coach: 18:27

Well, you said something pretty powerful, which is that I think people struggle with the most when she says I could, I didn't even know what to tell my wife. I didn't even know what to say I'd beaten myself up for so long. And was so overwhelmed and depressed. I mean, I even mean, I wasn't at a 988 status at any point. But oftentimes, when I'm overwhelmed if my husband says, Oh, what do you need? What do you want? I'm like, I don't even know. I just don't even know. And so it's nice to have access to a third party, even if it's a best friend to help you. You know, just bounce off your thoughts. And it sounds like you know, Charlene that you really helped raise some lightness in that dynamic. And you were there for aggression. I mean, which

Charlene Deneen: 19:12

to say like to those that are out there like G Rex or Gretchen just shared her story with us, but I want people to know, I had no idea, right? Like, do you Rex would come to work with a smile on her face like it was there were no signs. So that conversation was just meant to be right because I had I didn't go into it like I gotta make her laugh. I got it. No, it was a natural conversation between two human beings who could meet on some level and understand like, yeah, today's shitty today is really fuckin shitty. Let's laugh about squirrel dicks. Let's just completely step outside of ourselves in this shitty situation and distract ourselves with something else. So to do Rex's credit, there's also something else to add to your story if you don't mind, go ahead. I think this Christmas for me since like seeing that you put up a Christmas tree Yeah, that was fucking cool, right? Like give yourself credit like You've now made it on the other side of this, but then you celebrated that year. And it was just wild. So

Gretchen Schoser: 20:17

to add to your he was he was so completely awesome. Pray like putting up a tree and decorating and you know what's funny about this whole thing is that at the time that this was happening, Charlene was my manager, and I'm going to use that term loosely, because I

Charlene Deneen: 20:32

was suggestion

Gretchen Schoser: 20:35

suggestions because in April of 2023, I also retired I took an early retirement, and I felt bad because I was leaving everybody behind. But man, look at all the great things I have Um, since then, but that whole retirement part was a was another thing that really aided me because it's 60 you know, who's gonna fucking hire you? Right? You know, there's a lot of agents when we in that in the workforce now, and thankfully for me, I'm a unicorn, and what I do, so I was, I was sought after Batman just think if I was not a unicorn, you know, I'd still be beating myself up and and just trying to find my value. And I did, I found my value. So like, by design, is really loving myself giving myself a lot of self care setting up those boundaries. And following my passion. Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 21:31

I think the passion piece is something people really struggle with. They're so caught up in the day to day, you know, and the dialogue around well, I have to do this, and I have to do that. And I have to pay these bills. And I haven't, they're not drawing the line to I get to write. And this is a privilege, and I made this choice. And that's why I have the mortgage. And that's why I had the kid and, you know, here I am with the isness of it all Nicoa I don't have time for my passions, or I don't even know what they are. So they they're so caught. So you know, when you've had it? Did you have passions outside of work to begin with? Or were you just pretty much the workaholic doing your thing and taking care of everybody else? Gretchen I

Gretchen Schoser: 22:10

was a workaholic, a total workaholic. I mean, I occasionally like crochet color. But I can remember, like just sitting on the couch, you know, with my wife and just blank stare, right? Like I was just so emotionless. And you know, to Charlie's point, yeah, on the outside, I was crying. I was smiling and laughing. On the inside. I was like, You're a piece of shit. You need to pull out of this, like, I just couldn't do it. And thank God for my therapist. And she she was amazing.

Nicoa Coach: 22:46

So, you know, Charlene, you have, I could tell by your reaction last time that you two have a tendency to have a dialogue within your own mind that doesn't necessarily pump you up, right? Like you're not always you're like, Well, I'm a mom, I noticed in your bio, you're like, I'm a mom. I'm a wife. And I have this job. And then oh, and I sometimes you know, I take time for my art, and my friends and family. So it was like Charlene in the art. So talk to us about your self dialogue in your life

Charlene Deneen: 23:21

right now. Or over the years. I to add real quick. I think G Rex is on where I'm aiming to go right. Like, I think I'm still very much learning how to be me. So I don't know if this is going to answer the question. But throughout my life, I've had moments where I'm completely focused on myself, and the happiest I could ever be, and really finding the things that make me happy and going for them, right. And then there are other times where I'm distracted. I am I have to work. Like to your point I have to work, I have to be a mom, I have to be a wife, I have to do all these things. That in the grand scheme of it all aren't important. I mean, yes, being a mother is important. Being a wife is important. But like having a super clean house, everything is organized dinners prep for the whole week, like that shit, are all distractions. And I think I go through these ebbs and flows of kind of blocking those out and finding the things that I can do for myself that make me happy. So I'm still learning very much. So how to do that, which is why this podcast, life by design in our podcast, I completely take notes, because I want to get to the other side of where I'm like, Hey, I have a pretty fucking awesome life insurance. Yeah, I do work a nine to five, you know.

Nicoa Coach: 24:47

And I think that engagement level of half to the goal here is we tend to spend a lot of time and we should you know, I should do this, I should do that. I have to do this. Well, I kind of need to well, you know, I want to I want to prep the meals for the week because that makes my life better and makes my life easier. Well, let's let's the goal I invite everybody to is can you be a choice? I choose to there's no judgment there. I choose to do this right now I'm choosing to prep these meals, I'm not going to make it mean it's a distraction. I'm not going to make it mean it's a burden. I'm just going to make it mean that's my current choice. Right? And when we can learn to change the thoughts in our head to that space of empowerment. You know, right now I'm choosing to do the podcast would I have also liked to lay in bed and extra three hours and drink coffee and not get up Sure. But I also love talking to you guys. So I mean it's like I love all these things, my typical challenges, I want to do it all and then I get overwhelmed because I don't have time to do it all. And then I beat myself up saying Oh, you're doing too much, or I don't know, it's a real struggle for me because I feel like there's so much that could be done. Oh, yeah, you're Yeah. Gretchen, I literally showed it to my husband this morning, the newsletter and I was like, Shit, I shouldn't be doing that, like, then I get the self beat up that I'm like, I'm gonna have to ask Gretchen how she does, because I'm exhausted. I don't want to do that. But I think I'm supposed to do that. And if I don't do that, then everybody's gonna think you're not professional. And this is never gonna launch as well as their podcast.

Charlene Deneen: 26:23

But you know, how we measure

Gretchen Schoser: 26:24

success? Yeah, but it's funny. Like it took forever to get that done, right. Like, I had to get help. Because, like, I don't know, it was so not my wheelhouse. marketing's not my wheelhouse. But, you know, I just kind of put myself out there. But it's funny that you say that because my wife is a socialist all times, like, I've never seen you work so hard for something you don't get paid for. But you're not. It's my passion. And I, I love it. But I did step away. So we didn't do anything with the podcast from like December 15 To like, January 17. And I stepped away and I took time for myself. And I think that's really important. No matter what you're doing, whether you're working your dream job or you're doing your passion project, you need to step away and and find find that happiness find that joy outside of your passion project right? For me I was enjoying the holidays and eating good food and eating way more sugar than I should have ever eaten. Then we caused another issue come you know come February but

Nicoa Coach: 27:37

there is a cause and effect to a lot but if you know it and you choose it you know then you're not so upset when it when it occurs.

Gretchen Schoser: 27:46

You're more shocked. You're like what could have caused this? Oh, yeah, that's the five pounds of David's you know pecan cookies are super freaking fantastic. But

Nicoa Coach: 28:01

it intermission Yeah, you you are lucky that you had the ability to step away and Liz ransack and interview a guest on the podcast. And she took what she calls an intermission. So yeah, everybody needs to figure this out. Because you've got to pause, you got to push pause on the workaholism, you got to push pause on the passion projects. And if you if you don't, it does become overwhelmingly a burden or self judging, like, oh my god, I got to do that too. Like, oh, I can't do it all. So if you pause and step back, and you can spend a lot of time reflecting on who you are and what you want, or not just go play. I mean, how do you guys play outside of work? And outside of the podcast, I have

Charlene Deneen: 28:45

to tell you shortly, yeah, the new thing that we just did so because if there's anybody else that's out there, like me trying to figure out what all of this is and what your life by design is. I encourage you to play. We went on a vacation to go skiing. Now, that's a big deal for me, because I'm a little bit of a control freak. So if I haven't done something before, I am super anxious, right? Like, I'm like, Oh, how do I know how to prepare? What do I gotta wear all this shit? Right? Well, I did as much preparing as I could ahead of time. But we got there. I've never seen a day in my life don't know shit about I fall just walking. Like there's, there's not a good, like prep for me. But we got out there. We had a ski instructor. And I fucking loved it, too. And I realized I was me and my husband were talking about it afterwards because he was like, I'm so proud of you for just trying it. Right like just going out there out of your comfort zone. And doing this. And I realized for me why I liked it so much was because there was nothing else that I could focus on. Except for our my legs and a pizza shape and my balance. Am I gonna fall like Yeah, exactly. Like I was so focused on the physicality and like doing that, and I fucking loved it.

Nicoa Coach: 29:59

You were present it you were Yes. You

Charlene Deneen: 30:03

actually Exactly exactly. It was like, I felt like a brand new person, like a whole weight had been lifted, like a blockage was cleared. Yeah, was present. And so I love that shit. So right now we've we've committed to making that a yearly trip, like as a family trip to go skiing. And I'm looking for more things like that. to just have fun. And I think

Nicoa Coach: 30:25

we have to have something on the calendar to look forward to as part of a good mental health practice. Even if it's this, you know, I interviewed a girl that said, Yeah, I'm so excited because this afternoon, I blocked off three hours from my creative work. And she's like, I hold that time on my calendar sacred. So are there what are some of the practices that you do to keep you happy and excited during the day? A Do you have little things that you embed in your days? Or any tips you could offer up? Oh,

Gretchen Schoser: 30:55

yeah, I certainly can. So, you know, I, like I said, I'm working my dream job, I'm working 30 hours a week, but I also got full benefits. So I either go to work at nine o'clock or 10 o'clock in the morning, but during the day, I'll go out and like, talk to my wife, you know, or I'll go pet one of the cats or I'll walk outside for like, 30 seconds, depending on the weather. The weather in upstate New York has, I think Mother Nature is on gummies right now, because we can't, I couldn't decide what season when I'll go outside, we have a ton of deer that come out and eat out by our garage or right out by the side of the house. Just watch aside, go outside to to ground myself, right or Yes. You know, stepping away a little bit from social media, and being present with the moment if anything, so we had a really amazing guest come on, her name was Liz, aka bookie, and she her mom's her mantra was live for the moment, right? And so ever since that episode, that's what I do. I live for the moment. And there's so many of them in in the world today. And then I also took one of dirty Skittles tricks. And one of her says, take pictures of things that make you happy so that when you're having a bad day, you can filter back through it and look at those pictures from so every day, I take four or five pictures. And I put them in my little folder. And I call it things that make me happy. And so when I'm having a bad day, I'll go and look at the things that make me happy.

Nicoa Coach: 32:24

And then you know, it's that simple. It's

Gretchen Schoser: 32:28

something that you know, she taught this old dog, right, because there's about 20 years difference between Charlene and I. And so as much as she learns for me, and I hope she only learns the good stuff, not the bad stuff. But I also learned from her right and I so it's a generational thing for me too.

Nicoa Coach: 32:47

Now that's cool to think about. So, Charlene, you're in your 40s 4242 and I'm 55 and you're 60 Yeah, that's awesome. So look at us three different decades of generations. And you know, we really are I love that one quote that I think it's rom das says we're all just walking each other home. I mean, that's kind of the point we're all holding each other's hands and just walking each other. And both of those technologies like you froze

Charlene Deneen: 33:23

I know me and JIRA means you Rex What do we say?

Nicoa Coach: 33:28

Oh, okay, so the quote tom tom, the editor the quote was, we're all just walking each other home

Charlene Deneen: 33:39

close again on us, right.

Nicoa Coach: 33:45

Okay, so just keep it in. So the Oh, you froze again? What is happening

Charlene Deneen: 33:58

it's not meant to happen

Unknown: 34:05

the quota is fucked up.

Nicoa Coach: 34:11

Okay, I think we're back. Are we all alive now? Is there something going on? Was there was there a solar flare that caused us to maybe

Gretchen Schoser: 34:18

dude, maybe it didn't affect my phone? So because I don't have at&t, I have arrived some so

Nicoa Coach: 34:25

I have a TNT. I heard they're given rebates for the blackout the other day.

Charlene Deneen: 34:32

I got a text that was like we're really sorry. You couldn't use your phone? That was

Nicoa Coach: 34:37

gonna give you 20 bucks. I was actually asked a spiritual teacher, a friend of mine who's I said, you think it has something to do with the solar flares? And she was like, yes, but no one no one will ever acknowledge that and I was like, okay. Okay, guys, well, let's let's keep this conversation going. Because what do you think? I mean, you you mentioned social media, getting off of social media. And I will say that one of the things that seems to have caused me significant stress that I didn't realize over the last year, I'm overstimulated and I can't seem to stop I am. I have a bit of an addiction to the social media piece. I've been marketing the book of marketing the podcast, I'm marketing my lifestyle. And it's too much. I mean, how are you guys handling social media? You're dropping off? Gretchen? You're not? I mean, I don't know. I feel a little I'm overwhelmed.

Gretchen Schoser: 35:35

Well, for me, I focused on just getting stuff out for the podcast, right? So I drop at least three pieces of information a week, but like for my personal stuff, like I just don't go on anymore because I People are just mean, right? There's mean spirited people out there finding mean spirited people, I'll just turn on the news. I don't even watch that anymore. I find that human human interaction is way more important to me than phone time. And because I also spend like quite a bit of time on the computer for work, or for the podcast, you know, just getting other stuff done. I want that human interaction, I want to talk to my friends, I want to, you know, enjoy the outdoors. I want to clean my office. And like Charlene like, what she laughs at this, but like to what was it two, three weeks ago, surely, I completely clean my office. Now we've been in this house for four years, my office looked like I don't know, order, hell. This is the cleanest it's ever been, my wife walks on, she's like, I'm gonna have a heart attack. And that's because I have, you know, I have some clarity around me now. And having that clarity also means like, clearing my head of like, my bad habits, right. So I used to be on social media all the time. Now I want to go outside. So like yesterday, we wanted to take a ride. It was absolutely beautiful here, it was colder than shit. But it was beautiful. So we went down some country roads. And we went down to Johnson City, New York, just about an hour from the house. But we took the back roads to go down. And it was just my wife and I right wouldn't have anybody else in the car. We are listening to really good music, we wouldn't had a really good lunch, drove back, spent some time together. Got the newsletter, we're gonna go ready to go out this morning. But it was just like a peaceful and it was fun. And we were laughing and carry on. And I miss not being on my phone. Because there were certain sections of where we were, there was absolutely no reception. Thank God, we had a map. Because you know, you kind of get dependent on like Waze or Google Maps. But

Nicoa Coach: 37:50

you imagine how many people got lost the other day? My daughter told a story about that. She said I had to figure out how to get back from somewhere because her phone, I said, good. Well, how'd you do it? She goes, Well, I knew where downtown was. So I tried to keep driving until I could see the buildings of downtown and it got me towards the house. I said, good for you. I was like that is something you guys as you know, a generation really need to think about 90 year olds.

Charlene Deneen: 38:19

That's literally how i Yeah, look. That's how I would make it to work in freakin Boston, of all places. I would look at the buildings. Oh, I gotta go over there and just keep driving until I got to

Nicoa Coach: 38:33

Sharleen What's your relationship with social media and the phone? And how are you translating that into your child's experience? You have a son? Is that right?

Charlene Deneen: 38:43

I do. I have a six year old son. For me, it's actually kind of easy. So I never really enjoyed social media. Like I'm not one to post photos of what I'm doing or what I'm eating right. Like I just, I've never had that in me. The one addiction I have is tick tock like I will scroll tick tock for hours and just watch all kinds of shit. But my iPhone telling me my screen time is a real good reminder that I need to put it down. But to that point, my son is he occupies a lot of my attention. So it's not hard to put the phone down and do whatever we need to do for the day and go outside and play on the bike or go to the playground. So when I'm with him, I make sure to actually be with him. Yeah, and spend that time together. So I

Nicoa Coach: 39:31

used to think that, you know, we always as adults, we've all experienced conversations in our head or with our therapists about our childhood and our upbringing. And the things that were little T big T traumas. But I then translate that to thinking back on my children, my youngest is now 19 oldest is 27. And I think oh my god, I wonder if they're going to be in therapy talking about, well, she was always on her Blackberry. She wouldn't, you know, she wouldn't look up or you know, I'd say hey, and she's like, just a minute. So I it's gonna be interesting to see what happens about that addiction and those habits. Because you don't I swear to God being a parent, they don't. You have no idea how to be a parent at none. But they let you bring them home from the hospital. They're like, okay, me this baby to bring back oh my god. I don't know what I'm doing.

Charlene Deneen: 40:28

I know. I know. I'm like you trust me to take this infant home and like, keep it alive. What some

Nicoa Coach: 40:36

of the best advice you guys have gotten around these experiences over the last year like what are some of the key, you know, even if it's life by design, not necessarily from my episode, but from others. that you would want to share that really have stuck with you.

Charlene Deneen: 40:54

Man, one thing that I've heard somebody say that I think has changed my outlook for this year was to choose yourself. Choose you just something so like a simple little phrase. Yeah, really shook me to my core. Like I was like, oh shit. Yeah, choose me. So how do

Nicoa Coach: 41:15

you choose you though is it? It's not just time. And I always like to go a little deeper on these topics because it's not just time. It's not just coloring. I love the color to Gretchen. It's not just step separating yourself from people, but it's it's having a conversation with yourself. I mean, that's kind of my entry way. How do you figure out how to choose yourselves?

Charlene Deneen: 41:39

Yeah, for that's exactly what it was like, I think when I heard that phrase, how it resonated with me was that, like, all use work, because it's the biggest pain in my ass right now. Being at work, and feeling physical effects where I'm like, my stomach hurts because I'm on like, this really difficult call or the shit is down again, or whatever it was. In that moment, I realized, I'm bigger than this, I'm more important than this call than this meeting than this job. And I need to take care of myself. So if my stomach hurts, why is it really just called fucking hang it up? Right? Like, do what I need to do, because I'm more important than these other things that I was distracting myself with. And like, today's another good example, I have the day off. I took on purpose the day after we returned from vacation off, because I knew hopping right back into work. I wasn't gonna want to be there. Right? Like, I've just come from this awesome trip. And instead of using my natural instinct is like, if I have downtime, or free time, I always think I should I should do this, I should do that I should do all these things. And today, I'm like, No, I'm not going to do anything on this list. I'm gonna do shit that actually makes me happy. So my hobbies and stuff like that, like that's what today is for? Yeah. And making should all over yourself.

Nicoa Coach: 43:04

Right? Yeah.

Charlene Deneen: 43:06

Good on yourself.

Nicoa Coach: 43:10

You know, I take every Tuesday off. I only make I make fun appointments for myself. Or you know, my husband always says to me the day before, what are you doing tomorrow? And I'm like, I don't know. Or maybe I'll get my nails done. Or maybe I'm just gonna kind of see where my body takes me. But you mentioned you know, if your stomach hurts. You paused long enough to ask yourself, Why does my stomach hurt? Is it this meeting? Or the? Yeah, the body mind connection is pretty

Gretchen Schoser: 43:38

proud of you for going to the doctor, by the way. Exactly.

Nicoa Coach: 43:43

Yeah, I hope your appointments and bloodwork are all positive.

Charlene Deneen: 43:49

I mean, it wasn't it was probably a matter of seconds, because I think that was the first time that I had a physical reaction to something that stressed me out. Which is interesting, right? Like, I mean, yeah, I've battled with anxiety and depression, but I've never like hurt physically from it. So for me as soon as I am very in tune with my body, so as soon as I felt that I was like, Oh, shit, like, this is serious. Like I and I remember telling you about like grass. And I was like, I will I refuse to let this and I think it's from you sharing your story. I'm like, I refuse to let this affect me. And that

Gretchen Schoser: 44:25

was once your job starts giving you like physical ailments. It's time to leave. And it's just not that it's not that fucking important anymore. Yeah, the money is great. You get insurance. You have your friends. But damn, if you're not alive the next day to friggin enjoy it. Bye, Felicia. It is not. It's not worth it. I think because of last year, like the thing that I really focused on the self love and self care. And it's something we I asked him. Every one of our guests is like what they do for themselves, because it's really important people fucking forget to do that. But they, they, they, they also forget that self love and self care could mean getting up and walking away from your desk. Or sorry, my wife bought me breakfast get out of here,

Nicoa Coach: 45:16

hey, she always brings her breakfast. I used to have that happen to me.

Gretchen Schoser: 45:28

But like people forget, right that the smallest thing can be considered as

Nicoa Coach: 45:35

well, you know, that's receiving too and that's a big piece of self love. I think that people forget that. Self love is not just self delivery like self care. It's also giving others permission to give to you. Yep, and learning how to foster, here's a little tip, our bodies are kind of balanced energetically, the masculine energy is on the right side of our body where we do do do move, move, move, go, go go. And yet the left side of our body is the feminine energies. And this applies to men and women. So the left side is the receiving side. So a small little tip that someone taught me was it, let's say, your wife was bringing you that breakfast, you could receive it with your left hand and take the plate with your left hand, and you're fostering more feminine energy and learning how to receive self love. You know, doing things with that left side of your body is a great way to foster that.

Gretchen Schoser: 46:30

I want to do more of that, because there's not a whole lot of femininity in my life. Like, you're never gonna see me in a dress. Okay, that's not going to happen.

Nicoa Coach: 46:40

Well, it's not about that. It's I mean, I get you, I see you, but feminine energy is it's not pink. Right? It's about self love, and worthiness and knowing you're worthy. I mean, some of the this will be a good conversation, what are some of those little teeny tiny practices that remind you that you are worthy? You know, I, I do I have a body image challenge, or historically, which is my favorite phrase, historically, I used to have an issue judging my body. And now this may be TMI, but even if I get up in the middle of the night, or the first thing in the morning, like, Okay, this is TMI, I'll probably told it before. But I will get up like if I go to the bathroom tonight, and if the lights on in the bathroom, I'll just, I'll stand up and I'll pull up my shirt and just say I love you body and help my T shirt back down or my night gown or whatever. And I'll do it first thing in the morning to like, I'm like, I love you. Because if I don't love it, and change the habits, those cells have been abused for so long, that my body thinks, Oh, we're ugly, we were not worthy. What's amazing is I probably way more now than I have in a number of years, and I feel more beautiful than ever. And I know that it's a perception shift. I'm curious, are there little things like that, that you guys started doing?

Charlene Deneen: 48:02

Yes, literally. When we were skiing, I remember getting ready. And putting on makeup, which is what it is. But I that self talk, right? I immediately start thinking like, why are you putting on makeup? You're gonna be wearing goggles and a helmet and all kinds of shit, right? Like, why are you even nobody's gonna see your face. But to me, I'm like, No, I want to it makes me feel good. So I did it. But I also do what you do, right? Like, this is also the heaviest I've ever been. And I look in the mirror and I remind myself, this is my body. It carried a child, Brian, like it's done amazing shit. So like, don't hate it, love it, and make it better if there's something I want to change and fucking I'll change it. So like just loving who I am. What makes me happy and stopping like that self doubt talk is.

Gretchen Schoser: 48:51

Yeah, and for me, like, in the morning, I'll look in the mirror. And I'll just say, You know what, I love you. And because I do I really love myself, I think that I came a really long way to get where I am. And I love who I am today and what I can do for other people. I'm not just myself, right. I I'm fortunate. I'm blessed. I have amazing friends. I live in this beautiful house in upstate New York. And I, I get to be me, right, like, because here's what happens when you turn 60 And I'm gonna give you guys some life lessons. When you turn 60 You have now earned the right to not give a fuck about a whole lot of things. Okay? So I don't I don't give a fuck about the things. So I really gave a fuck about like in my 30s 40s and 50s. Life is too short, lived for the moment. Make things make your life happy. There's little things you can do every day to just make you smile. And so I do things that make me smile.

Nicoa Coach: 49:54

Oh, guess what, everybody the fact that Gretchen just shared that with us means that we don't have to wait till we're 60 Yeah, I

Charlene Deneen: 50:00

was thinking that when she said it, I'm like, fuck it. I don't care now. You know,

Nicoa Coach: 50:04

it kind of hit me when I turned 40. Yeah, but I want our five year olds, I want your six year old son to know that he's always at choice. And that is his life. And he's the common denominator. And it doesn't matter what other people think. And and self disparagement is not it's not humble. It's not it's not an attractive trait. Yeah, it's actually it makes other people be self are insecure. When we self disparage or we say Oh, this whole thing. No, I say Oh, I love it too. Thank you very much like whatever. It's really important for us to start choosing happiness and choosing fun. And you guys are really in the process and I'm just so impressed. Gretchen it's only been a year. You went from Holy shit, Do I even want to be here, too, I'm saying I love myself in the mirror. I've had clients where I've on the phone, I've had them stand up and like walk to the nearest mirror. And this one client was like, I can't look at myself. I can't even make eye contact. So I hope everybody listening will go to their nearest mirror when they finish this or right now while they're listening and just check yourself out. Who is that person? Right? Yeah. And notice if you can just start with even just a description. Oh, okay, she's, I'm tall, I have long hair, whatever, I'm not that tall. I mean, just in retrospect to graduate, okay.

Charlene Deneen: 51:31

Look, I love my four feet.

Nicoa Coach: 51:35

Start with just a generic description, and then decide then decide, how will I choose to describe this from an from, you know, uh, you know, what judgments will I choose? Well, I choose positive judgments, or will I choose negative judgments? If you can create that space? Whoo, boy, you're, you're free, you are free.

Gretchen Schoser: 51:58

And positive self talk goes a long way. In just for a moment, for five minutes for 10 minutes. It can like, keep you going for the entire day. Right? Yeah, you know, and stop being jealous of other people, you know, it's your own damn life, be happy for people's success. Right, they probably worked really hard to get where they're at. But Nicole, I will tell you that it took a lot of work. I've been going to therapy twice a week for a year, I'm going to continue going. Because you know, we all have demons in our closet, right? I want those demons to go away. Because sometimes they like jump back out and like scare me. And I'm like, I'm just gonna push you away. But now I don't push them away. I like kind of deal with it in the moment. And part of the demon is like, I'm trying to get my book written, right? I'm in that middle chapter. And I have a title for it. It's called fuck, and it's fu CK. Because that's literally what it was. It was like fuck, right? And getting rid of that, that writer's block and getting it down on paper. Because once it's out of my head, it's out of my head. And, you know, journaling has helped me a ton. And just, you know, my dreams, my desires, things I want to do. And you know, you asked about like, what, what things I'm looking forward to. So we did we started putting our vacations on the calendar are like, yeah, man, we get to go do this, this month. And so what we've been trying to do, because my wife's been retired for a number of years, is that we try and plan fun three day weekends, right? Even if it's 20 minutes outside of where we live, it's something that we get to look forward to do. And if the weather turns out to be crappy, then we always have a plan B. But the other thing that I learned about myself over the last year is that I don't stay angry, as long as I used to, like I used to, when I got angry, I would hold on to that for days and days and days. Now, it lasts maybe 20 minutes, and I'm on to Plan B. Yeah, man.

Nicoa Coach: 53:58

It's not that you go there is how long do you stay there? And does that serve you or not? Because in your reference to looking at other people, you know, that compare despair kind of dynamic? Look, when you look at someone and you think, Oh, I wish I could do that? Then say okay, I wonder how they did that. Like just shifted in that moment. Yeah, I wonder what they did. And maybe I can ask them, give yourself permission to admire and then inquire, versus, you know, notice and judge right. And then self disparage. So yeah, you're spot on. And that it's funny, I'll share a confession we had, we were trying to manage our money. We had some unusual bills that came up that surprised us. And all of a sudden, I kind of panicked about money. And I we canceled a trip. And I don't have a trip on the books right now. And I've always had a trip on the books for decades. And I began to think about that the other day, I thought, oh, maybe that's I'm having a hard time to get up out of this little rut of, well, I have to control the money. I have to make sure everything's okay. And then I'm allowed to put a trip on the books. And I thought, You know what, no, I've always I mean, I've had more money now than I did in the past. So I don't know what the problem is. So I thought, You know what, no, I'm actually planning a trip with my best friend now. Like, I have to have something to motivate me to keep me going even if the day to day stuff. If when that when the day to day stuff is just not enough.

Gretchen Schoser: 55:26

So a tip I'm gonna give you is even if it's not, if even if it's not a trip that's gonna cost you a lot of money, but just a certain activity. Put that on your calendar, right? Because it's something you get to look forward to you look at that calendar, you're like, Oh, I'm gonna go to this this day. Right? And maybe it's not gonna cost me a dime, but it's gonna bring me a ton of joy.

Nicoa Coach: 55:46

Absolutely. I saw a meme where there's It was like when you can't afford to take a real vacation, or leave your house, you know, leave your town for a real vacation. She goes, and she shows a video of her walking through across the hallway, she goes, you check yourself into your guestroom for the weekend. Suitcase from one room across the hallway to the guests. That's a great idea, actually, guestroom, and the beds a little bit nicer. And I might just do that. Funny. Well, guys, this has been such a fun conversation and lots of fodder for thought for people. I want to end with just anything else you want to share. That you any takeaways, any last minute thoughts, and then I'm going to ask you one more question. So anything Charlene that you want to share with your list with the listeners?

Charlene Deneen: 56:37

I would say if you're like me, and you're still figuring it out, don't be ashamed. It's okay to still be figuring it out.

Nicoa Coach: 56:44

Yeah, for sure. I'm so proud of you. Let us know how the doctor's visit went. Yeah, what about you,

Gretchen Schoser: 56:52

for me is like, don't wait till you're 16 to not give a fuck, right? Like, set your boundaries. Now. I don't care how old you are set boundaries. Because I probably learned that whole boundaries thing like 20 years ago, things would have been a lot different. And just love yourself. Love, love, love yourself. Because at the end of the day, you're the only one that's going to take care of you.

Nicoa Coach: 57:15

That's exactly right. All right, you guys. So last but not least, this is my favorite question to ask my clients at the end of each coaching session that we have. And I'm going to start with you, Gretchen, what is the one thing that you want to celebrate the most about yourself before we hang up? That

Gretchen Schoser: 57:32

I'm alive? I'm here to share my love and for life and my smile. And I don't care how small I am. Because what I don't have in height my heart makes up for so. No, I'm

Nicoa Coach: 57:47

so glad that you were born to yay. You're making a difference in the world. What about you Charlene?

Charlene Deneen: 57:55

I would say I am learning my self worth. I'm realizing I'm more valuable than I originally thought. Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 58:06

of course you are. We were all born valuable. And then we kind of forget. And now we're all remembering and fortunately, you know, unfortunately right Gretchen Charlene is remembering it sooner than you and I did. Yeah.

Gretchen Schoser: 58:22

Good for you.

Charlene Deneen: 58:23

I'm learning from you all. So

Nicoa Coach: 58:26

all right. Well, I thank you so so much. I know that we'll be in touch and reconnect in the future. And if you ever need a champion or a cheerleader, you just reach out to me and I'm here to cheer you on.

Gretchen Schoser: 58:37

Thank you. You're welcome. Nicole Alright, guys, so Nicole, what I want you to do so I'm gonna send you an invite. We're gonna get together and we're gonna walk you through how to create that newsletter. Oh, thank

Nicoa Coach: 58:48

you. Oh, I really do need help. My, my husband said that he goes, You just ask her.

Charlene Deneen: 58:58

She loves helping so yeah, yeah. Oh, please do.

Gretchen Schoser: 59:01

And you know, you know what's funny is like so many people are out there charging for the services. I don't want to charge right, like I've learned by by trial and error. I want to share what I learned. So I think that that's something we all need to do, too, is like, share what you learn. Like, don't hold that shit to yourself because somebody else might be able to use it. That's

Nicoa Coach: 59:21

right. And I'm sure that people are taking away so much from this conversation. And I will accept that invitation with my left hand.

Gretchen Schoser: 59:31

Oh, my goodness.

Nicoa Coach: 59:37

You guys are beautiful. Thank you. We'll talk again soon.

Unknown: 59:42

Yes, ma'am. Bye bye. Bye. Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicola for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow Coffee with Nicoa and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N IC O A. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then.