S2 EP19: HANNAH DEINDORFER, THE LIBIDO FAIRY for WOMEN

LET's TALK ABOUT SEX BABY!! Nicoa hosts Hannah Deindorfer, also known as THE LIBIDO FAIRY for women. She uses somatic therapy, sexuality, pleasure, and sensuality as tools for creating deeper intimacy with self and in relationship.  LISTEN IN because you're going to want to think long and hard (LOL) about your own SEX LIFE and your LOVE LIFE BY DESIGN!  #JOURNALINGPROMPT of the YEAR!

LEARN MORE ABOUT HANNAH HERE:  www.hannahdeindorfer.com

FOLLOW HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA:  @thelibidofairy (instagram and TikTok)

MORE RESOURCES FOR YOU:  Guided self-touch practice, Likes + limits checklist, Sex toy guide, Conversations about sex template: https://freebies.hannahdeindorfer.com/

DON'T FORGET TO TAKE THE Turn-On Type Quiz, too:
https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/6552a91c0f189100149493e1

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Buy your copy of YOUR LIFE BY DESIGN: A Coffee With Nicoa Self-Care Coaching Journal
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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope that will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Okay, Hannah, guess what happened? The other night, I was thinking about our interview. And I woke up, going, let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you. And me. And I was like, oh, god, she's gonna think I'm crazy. But yeah, I'm ready to talk about sex. Love by design life by design, lust by design. This game? Yeah. And you are the libido Fairy Godmother out there. Sprinkling sexy dust all over everybody. Thank you for saying yes to coming and talking with me coffee with Nicola. Yeah,

Hannah Diendorfer: 1:01

of course. It's a pleasure. It's a joy. I only do things that bring me pleasure and joy. That's not true. Do plenty of things that don't. But I only really say yes to things that feel like they spark that in me. And you have a radiant energy that I was like, yep, that feels like it. Yes. And my body and I'm excited to be here and chat with you today.

Nicoa Coach: 1:23

Well, I think learning how to get that Yes. And our bodies is probably kind of the foundation of what we're talking about today. So yes, I'm honored Thank you. I do exude some energy. But so to you and the way I Found You was on Instagram. And I was watching all of your posts about how to really increase you know, self love self pleasure. And I'm gonna do your little bio here. So everybody listening, everybody heads up. If this is making you uncomfortable already. I'll need to just you know, tune out go ahead and skip to all the other No,

Hannah Diendorfer: 1:54

no, no, no, no. If this if this makes you uncomfortable. You probably should people listening.

Nicoa Coach: 2:00

Absolutely. You're so right. You're so right. Trying to give them an out. No, stay listening. Okay. Hannah dine door firm. Although I really did want to say D and door for you know, why? Have you ever read the Dr. Seuss book? Different door for school? Yes. That's what I thought of. Right. Okay. Everybody's gonna look that up now. All right, Anna, you are the libido fairy for women. You use somatic therapy, sexuality, pleasure sensuality, all sorts of tools for creating deeper intimacy with self and relationships. You live in Austin, Texas, with your dog and your partner. You've been a coach for the last six years. You're certified and all the things right. trauma therapy, somatic therapy, Neuro Linguistic Programming, CBT. Any and you've mentored with world renowned sexuality coaches and therapists, which I think is really cool. And then you throw in this thing about being an Olympic weightlifter. So that's random. I love that. And now, there is that lady out there that does the vagina weight lifting. Is this the weightlifting championship you're referring to?

Hannah Diendorfer: 3:13

It's not No, it's not that not that.

Nicoa Coach: 3:17

Okay, well, you and you're also a creator. And I did not realize that when I invited you, I found your Instagram account today with your artwork. Absolutely beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Is that mainly watercolors that you use? Or I

Hannah Diendorfer: 3:36

do now, I mostly work with watercolor. But when I started I was doing a lot of acrylic and a lot of like computer based graphic art. So yeah, now I'm working with watercolor and collage is my to mix media.

Nicoa Coach: 3:52

Oh, beautiful. Well, I'm sure that that had a lot to do with your life transformation, leveraging your creativity and finding that art. There's my favorite summary though, of who you are from your own website at Hannah dine darfur.com Hannah is a freakin powerhouse and helping low libido women create turn on pleasure, self love and freedom to have the sex lives of their dreams. And so yeah, I'm interested in that. So let's go for it. Let's talk about okay to talk about how you got here and probably you are accustomed to sharing kind of your your foundational stories, so I'll just let you take the mic.

Hannah Diendorfer: 4:35

Yeah, thank you so much for the introduction. It's so funny hearing my website copy read back to me. I don't think anyone's ever done that to me before so thank you for that. Yeah, my my story is filled with a lot of challenge. Like I I like to use this I was telling a client this the other day, this little story metaphor that I've created in my world that it feels like an angel or a future version of me, dropped down to my 11 year old self. That was like playing on the playground and was like, hey, so I got an opportunity for you, I got a choice for you. You can, if you want, just keep living a nice chill life, things will be like, sometimes hard, sometimes easy, but pretty medium boring. Or you can sign up for the next 10 years to be some of the most challenging moments of human existence that could possibly happen, you're gonna be taken advantage of and abused and hurt in so many ways that you are going to not want to live anymore. And you're, in fact going to try to not live anymore. But if you do, if you make it through, then you get to have the most amazing life, you will get to feel everything so deeply, you will get to experience the height and peak of joy. And you will get to help a ton of people. Do you want to do that? And like literally 11 year old me was like, Let's fucking go. Yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 6:25

That's like the soul contract agreement that we come down here on this planet. I really believe that. And a lot of people have a hard time believing that, right? So they're like, What do you mean, you signed up to be abused or hurt? And I'm like, Guess what, source whatever you want to call it? Once all the fields. And I've actually talked about sex, I actually use with my clients the analogy, I was like, Listen, if you believe in this energetic source sources, you are the extension for all the feeling and source wants to feel everything from murder to orgasm. And that have

Hannah Diendorfer: 6:59

you read existential kink?

Nicoa Coach: 7:01

I haven't read existential cake. And I recommend it all the time. Yes,

Hannah Diendorfer: 7:08

if you're listening, and you have not read that book, existential kink, is a way like it is. So under blinding a lot of my core philosophy, and the way that I approach life is that like, all of this is available for us to enjoy. But even the parts that feel disgusting and terrible, like there is pleasure that we can gain from those experiences, if we can see where we are having a hand in creating that and taking the power back. So existential kink is amazing for that book, it might be also very triggering, if you are often in a victim mentality.

Nicoa Coach: 7:49

But it's just about the energy of what you're creating, and you're attracting into your world, your experiences there, there's a part of you, that is likely if you continue to have experience after experience, you're likely getting off on it in some way. Or your energy would shift for you to stop having that experience. So yes, so Do tell, do tell

Hannah Diendorfer: 8:09

some more. Um, yeah. So kind of like what I said, I went through like a lot, I went through a lot of pain, I went through a lot of abuse. I have bipolar father, who I ended up a being in a caretaking position for when I was 12 years old. And then, yeah, lots of kind of traumatic relationship things non consensual sexual experiences, I developed a really severe eating disorder and was then abusing myself for a while, and then tried to commit suicide when I was 20 years old. And the best mistake of my life that that didn't work, let's go me, but it wasn't like I came out of that experience being like, Oh, yes, I'm so grateful for life. Now I'm gonna make the best of it. It was like, oh, fuck, okay, well, I probably can't do that again. So I need to find a way to make this bearable. So that I don't feel like I have to do that again. And that's tough.

Nicoa Coach: 9:19

I mean, wow. I mean, I'm so glad you're here. I can tell to you came through to the other side and did it. And you're having so much fun. I mean, how did you get the support and resources? Did you have other family members there to help guide you or who were those influencing supporters?

Hannah Diendorfer: 9:41

I was very alone at that point in my life. Which I think, you know, is pretty typical for someone who is in that place like they feel very alone. Maybe they have support but what the feeling is Is that nobody supports me or cares about me or I'm on my own, or I have to do this all myself or I have to figure this out myself. And that burden is overwhelming. And so I started going to therapy shortly after that experience to have someone to talk to you about that, because I didn't feel like there was anyone in my experience who I could talk to about that. And God bless my first therapist, shout out to Marybeth Attwell, she is amazing. I love her, she changed my life. One of the pivotal moments in my therapy work with her was, she showed me this video of a brain making a new neural connection. So the way that our thoughts work is, you could see it on a brain scan the thoughts running. And a lot of times we'll have these patterns of thought where the brain will fire and fire and fire and fire in this consistent pattern over and over and will experience that as a looping thought. So a looping thought might sound like I'm worthless, or I am a failure, or I can't do anything, right. And that loops and loops, and it reinforces that neural connection in our brain. But she showed me this video of a brain making a new neural connection. And told me this person did this on purpose. And actually, because they practice this new thought over and over and over the old thought forms disappeared from the brain, they actually stopped happening. And then the I was like, oh shit, like, I actually do have to take responsibility for myself here. Like, I can't just say, Oh, it's just the way that my brain works or like, that's just how my thoughts are. And so I'm helpless to those things. Actually just didn't give me any more outs. Like I actually had to, like, show the fuck off and be like, well, if I really, now I have no excuse. I can I can control this.

Nicoa Coach: 12:04

I love that. I always talk about responsibility, ability to respond. Right? When I first analyzed that word, I was like, Yeah, I'm the common denominator. I gotta show up or shut up. Yeah, yeah, you started showing up for yourself?

Hannah Diendorfer: 12:20

I did. Yes, I did big time. And I went to therapy, I did all different types of therapy for like eight years, got a lot better. There was a lot that improved in my life. I started my own business i entered entrepreneurship was a coach in more general life coaching stuff, and business coaching some business stuff. And then there was a point where I was like, I, there's something still not right here. Like I've done all this mental work, and I've done all the affirmations and all the journaling and all the therapy and blah, blah, blah, things. But there's something that doesn't feel right with my life. Like I still feel disconnected from myself, I still don't have a sex drive, I still am in these relationship patterns where I'm swinging this pendulum back and forth between like, bad guy and good guy and boring and unsafe, and, like, why, like I know what I'm doing, but I can't get myself to stop doing those things. And that was the point where I was like, I'm gonna start looking at my body. I'm going to start feet trying to feel like really going in and feeling and started doing somatic work. I looked at my sexuality started working on my sexuality. And that was like, okay, it changed my life. It changed everything about how much my soul could inhabit my body. Yeah, that was the key. It was the key for me. Which is why I teach it.

Nicoa Coach: 13:49

And the body is the sensory transmitter. Right. So yeah, I really do think we're all here just having an experience to taste touch. That's why we have come back to your senses, right? Yes, yeah. So how did you, you so part of the research and work you've been doing probably introduced you to somatic work? Which is the body? Yeah, let's talk about how did you begin to move towards sexuality is something that you could help others with?

Hannah Diendorfer: 15:07

Um, yeah. So when I had that moment of like, something's not right. The places that I looked in, were directly at my sexuality and directly at like through somatic therapy, so I was doing somatic therapy to heal trauma that was stored in my body. And then I was also simultaneously exploring kink, and BDSM and going to sex parties and living in New York for a month and playing in New York with all of the fun, sexy people there and like really learning how to own my pleasure and do the things that made my body feel good. And so there was like a two The year self exploration period where I'm just like, I'm just gonna do every sex thing possible on that

Nicoa Coach: 15:58

rating. Was it liberating? For both? Were you scared at all?

Hannah Diendorfer: 16:02

It was, it was amazing. It was amazing. There was nothing. There was nothing I would change about that time. It was the best.

Nicoa Coach: 16:13

And you were single at the time. I know you, you wrote a blog or something about at some point with your partner, you guys decided to open your relationship. Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah,

Hannah Diendorfer: 16:25

so that was the point where I realized something wasn't right. Like that converged at the same exact time. So I was in that place where I had no libido, no desire. I was really, really struggling in our relationship just in sexuality. Like there was like, it seemed to be that there were that was the only issue in our relationship, although I will say if someone comes to me, and they're like, the only issue in our relationship is sex. I'm like, No, it's not. But that's fine. And so, yeah, so we were like, Okay, well, maybe what we can do to spark desire is open up the relationship and try playing with other people. And that it was the thing that kicked open the door for me to realize that I needed to figure out who actually what made me happy in sexuality because I started playing with someone who was kinky. And I was like, whoa, okay, there's so much more here than what I thought there could be. And now I'm gonna go figure out what sex means to me. And I ended that relationship and then went on that like two year exploration. Okay, myself. That's

Nicoa Coach: 17:31

so exciting. It makes me think of that show. The movie by Spike Lee called she's gotta have

Hannah Diendorfer: 17:36

it. Have you ever seen, I've never seen that? No, you're gonna love it,

Nicoa Coach: 17:40

she. And then it turned it into a series where she's this individual artist, and she lives in New York, and she has different individuals in her life who helped serve her needs, in partnership in sexuality. It's like the buttoned up business guy and skateboarder, rapper kid. So it's a very, it's a great way to explore what no one is talking about. Majority of my listeners are going to be like, what is happening here? So which is great, because guess what, guys, you can't get this thing called life wrong. For sure, for sure. So tell us more Hannah.

Hannah Diendorfer: 18:24

Well, I mean, that's, that's kind of like where the story started ends. Like, that's how I got into working in sexuality because I started exploring my own and realizing what a key like what it really gave me, which wasn't just sex, it was my ability to use my voice, my ability to understand where my boundaries were connection to my body, authentic expression. Feeling confident in myself. Like really being in who I am feeling alive and turn like turn on energy is the same as alive energy, sexuality and power go so hand in hand. And so it was for me, like this puzzle piece clicking into place when I finally I was like, Oh, I have sexuality. And I can own that for myself. And I can know what that is, for me. Everything else in my life just got so much better as a result of that, which is what my clients say all the time. All my clients are always like, you know, I came in here want like thinking that I was just gonna have better sex with my husband, but I'm, like, making so much more money at work. And I'm setting all these boundaries with my family, and I have better relationships with my friends. And I feel so confident in myself when I'm dressing myself in the morning. And I'm like, yeah, it's because sex is, is life. Yes.

Nicoa Coach: 19:48

And I think that that's it you have, sexuality is the it's like the root, literally, the root chakra, the root of your being. And if you can't connect into your being, and this is all the self love stuff, guys, this is strategic self love. This is a major step in that. And I wouldn't say that I've quite completed that either. I'm looking at those courses of yours. But let me tell me this. How did you get to the state of I mean, were you raised in a way and and it sounds like you had trauma at home. But were you in a cultural environment where talking about these types of things? was easier. So I think of the phrase, unapologetic joy, unapologetic voice around sex. You know, how did you get there? I'm from the south, you know, we're sweet are down here and we're not supposed to talk here in Texas, you know? No, we're not supposed to. So, tell me about that.

Hannah Diendorfer: 20:45

Well, I definitely didn't grow up in a place where talking about sex was thing, like my mom caught me having sex one time, and we never spoke about it. Oh, she turned around and left the room and we never had a conversation about it. And so like, yeah, there just wasn't open dialogue. And I think that that is most people's experience that come into my world is that they just either have very minimal education or no conversation about it. And what that the lack of conversation says, and what they pick up from, we don't talk about this is that sex is dirty, shameful and wrong and something to be hidden. And to not face or to look not look at. Like there's something about it that needs to be behind closed doors, or the shame. Yeah, there's shame. That's applied to

Nicoa Coach: 21:38

shame. Yeah. And the best way to defuse shame is what's her face says is to put it in front of you put it on the table. Brene Brown, sorry, man. Yeah. So tell us about your voice then now? How did? How do you talk about it in your life? How are you intentional? With your love? Design with your lust by design? How do you How does that show up in your voice? How does that show up? In your you're looking ahead in your lifestyle? Yeah,

Hannah Diendorfer: 22:08

I mean, in my relate, so I am in a relationship now that is 99.9% monogamous. We do go to play parties sometimes, but emotionally, and relate relationally we're monogamous. And in my relationship, what we do, we have a lot of routines around intimacy. And that may sound like boring to some people. But to me, the structure creates a lot of safety. It also indicates to me into my partner that sex is a priority to us. And we want to make it a priority in our relationship. And so how the intentionality shows up is every single week, we have a relationship, board meeting, relationship check in where we talk about what we're struggling with that week, anything that's unsaid between us that needs to be cleared or aired out from the week we talk about what needs we have that aren't getting met that we need support it either emotionally, or physically or around the home. And then we talk about what are we going to do for sex this week? How are we going to create intentional intimacy with each other this week are we going to just do what we usually do, which is like we were on a pretty good, like, if it's gone more than two days, where you just have some kind of sexual interaction, it doesn't have to be penetration, it doesn't have to be what most people think of as sex, it can be that we're going to take a shower together, or we're going to make out naked together or we're going to, like, he'll just use the vibrator on me. Or whatever. Like one of us gets an orgasm, maybe? Maybe both. But we have a kind of like cadence and that but we are always once a week at least checking in on are we still connected in this area of our life? Yeah. And then adjust accordingly?

Nicoa Coach: 23:58

Well, I think that's you're talking about communication, right? And you're setting aligned goals and a vision with each other about what you want your relationship to look and feel like and, and there's, you know, a lot of people haven't even gotten that gotten there. So I'm really glad to share that because that type of cadence and intentionality is how a life by design a love by design works. Talk to me, you know, one of the things that I struggle with personally, is this intimacy that is relational like it's emotional intimacy, outside of the physical intimacy, how do you talk about that or teach that? You know, because sometimes that's more of what I'm craving is the outside of the bedroom type of intimacy.

Hannah Diendorfer: 24:44

Totally. So there's a few ways that like a few categories that can kind of fall into that can help like in knowing the categories can help you identify like which type you're needing or wanting. There's like a relational intimacy that comes from conversation so intimate conversation. Let's talk about our day. Let's talk about how we're feeling let's have a conversation about what you need and what I need and what our dreams are and what our visions are for the future. And what Scott stirred up for us like there's like an intimate conversation way to connect. There's recreational companionship so like doing an activity together, going for a walk, going for a hike playing a sport together. Watching a movie together, like there's like companionship type intimacy that can come from participating in activities side by side. And then there is like a physical intimacy that's non sexual. So like affection, cuddling words of affirmation gifts, re assurance, domestic support things around the house, stuff like that. So, yeah, thinking about like, which area which category does the need fall into, there are so many ways that you can cultivate that intimacy outside of the bedroom that can feed into a sexual connection. And typically, most people fall into one directionality, that directionality or the other either they get to emotion through sex, or they get to emotion first, and then the emotion then drives them into sex.

Nicoa Coach: 26:23

Right? And I think that those are beautiful examples. And sometimes we don't recognize it, we're looking for it to be a certain way based on societal or stories or TV, right people porn, you know, they don't know what it's supposed to look like, and guys, certain personality types. And this, this is going to transition us into that nervous system discussion, because some people were like, well, we do all those things. But that's not enough. That's not what I'm looking for. I don't think they know what they're looking for. At noon. So maybe you could share a little bit about how do we, how do we help women in particular, maybe men to write calm themselves enough to allow the intimacy and allow the sexuality to really be that emotional connection that they're craving?

Hannah Diendorfer: 27:09

Hmm. Well, there's different routes for different nervous systems. If you're someone who typically is in like a functional freeze kind of shutdown state, a lot of slow moving energy, like, feels like your thoughts are like dragging through the mud, especially when it comes to intimacy or you feel like you're just like shut down, a cold, rigid, those types of things resonate with you. And you're going to need a really gentle nervous system, wake up, things like gently massaging your skin, or really nice slow walks, or rocking side to side, or just some really nice supportive deep breaths, doing that with your partner. Or doing that with yourself can be super supportive to get your nervous system to feel more safe and more energy getting more energy into the system. If you're someone who is on the opposite side of that spectrum, who is running more anxious, running more high energy, and also you feel a little frantic, you feel like you can't slow down, you're just like, go go go, you're like a little bit addicted to stress. And cortisol, you're like checking your phone at a stoplight, because you can't just sit there and be at a stoplight. Or you're watching Netflix at night. And you're just constantly scrolling because you need more stimulation, and you're kind of addicted to that cortisol and feel like you can't slow down enough to be present during sex, meet that energy where it is shake it off, like like, literally physically shake your entire body, go for a run, like meet and work off some of that energy. So that you can let yourself settle down sitting in place, staring at your phone is not the way to defuse that anxious energy. That's really the opposite. It

Nicoa Coach: 28:52

is the opposite. And people they try to say, well, here's how I rest or I can't rest or they'll say, I can't meditate because my mind is racing. And yeah, they can. They just aren't because they haven't practiced those those relaxation techniques. And I really wanted to address I liked it when you talked about that on your Instagram account. Everybody please go check out her Instagram account. It's at libido. fairy.or at libido fairy, right? Is it the? Yeah, yeah. There's the show everybody, you get so much information. As I was doing my homework today. i There were so many topics that came up. But I want to come back to the voice in your head based on your life story, and how you are existing in a way of being now. What would you say the biggest change has been since the way you were before you found your body and your soul again. And now you are now.

Hannah Diendorfer: 29:52

Oh my gosh, the voice in my head is so loving and compassionate. It's so sweet to me. It used to be constantly criticizing, grading telling me how terrible I am telling me that I'm the worst human being that I'm fat, ugly, whatever, all with all of the worst things that you could possibly say to someone. That's what it was doing in my head. That is why I tried to kill myself because I was like, I cannot escape this constant barrage of like just the nastiest things. And now, like I was I'm literally like driving my car listening to love songs, singing them to myself, like telling myself constantly like, Oh, you're doing such a good job. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much like it. They're just in such and like when I make mistakes. It just is like there's nothing there. It's like oh, okay, let's just Fix it. Let's just move on. Yeah, it just is so kind there. Now, is

Nicoa Coach: 30:56

there any particular practice that you can you really point back to So, you know, when I started doing that, or when I really practice that enough, because I hear you, I'm in the same shift as well, um, yeah, I don't think I'm in love with myself as much as you're in love with yourself yet. I mean, and I use the word yet, because I know, work in progress. And, you know, but I can tell you in the last two years, I moved from lots of self body shame, and, you know, looking in the mirror and just, ah, you know, just lots of self judgment, to I don't even notice it anymore. To your point, there's nothing mayor, it's like, I go back bigger and better things to be thinking about than whether or not my body is the right quote, unquote, you know, shape or size. So, you know, I think part of the practice for me was, I would I did this strange practice, I wasn't strange, I had a practice where every morning or if I got up in the middle of the night, to go to the bathroom, I would pull my I would usually sleep in a T shirt, I'd pull it up, and I would look at my beautiful body and compliment it in the mirror, and then I go back to bed. Just I would look at my body, and then complement it, even when it didn't really feel it. And that, like accumulated for me. And I'm curious, some of those experiences for you, what was it that started really making the difference for you?

Hannah Diendorfer: 32:22

Okay, um, this is gonna be a little bit edgy, because there was a pivotal moment there was there was a pivotal moment, for sure. And then so I'll give a moment. And then I'll give the practice that came as an integration. So the moment I was on mushrooms, and I had taken a lot of mushrooms, and I was lying down with my eyes covered. And I had this moment of being like, if you were here, like I was feeling restless, I was like laying there. And I was like, Ah, I should be doing something I should like, get up and do something. And I was like, if you were here, with someone that you loved, I was alone. If you were here with someone that you loved, you would just be like all about them, you would want to know everything about them. You'd be there like gazing into their eyes being like, oh my gosh, you're so amazing. Like, tell me everything about you be so interested. Like, do that for yourself right now, actually, like, be there with you. You're here. You're not alone. Here. You're with yourself here. So like, what would that be like, and then I had, I was just laying there and I was like, Whoa, I can really feel how sweet my energy is, I can really feel how warm I am. How loving and accepting I am. Like if I turn the energy that I give to other people towards myself. It's so sweet and friendly and welcoming and non judgmental, and so fun and playful and kind. And like I really cultivated that in that little experience with myself for a solid, I don't know, 20 minutes of just really doing that with myself over and over and over. And then in the integration, the practice of that in real life for me, was like, every time I felt something in my body feel bad, or there was a part of me that felt tense or tight or wrong, or like there was something wrong, like I started criticizing, I would go find whatever, wherever that was in my body, whatever part that was and literally talk to it out loud. Like, okay, I see that you're feeling scared right now. That's fine. I'm here with you. It's okay to be scared. I know sometimes it feels like it's never going to end. I know sometimes it seems like nothing's working, and you're so disconnected. I know it feels like you're helpless here. That's okay. You can feel that it's okay. I'm here with you. Like literally talking to my body and talking to the part of me that was feeling frustrated or angry or sad or scared or any of those feelings. I'm giving myself space to actually be in that feeling.

Nicoa Coach: 35:09

That's beautiful. I've done mushrooms before with a group of people in a safe space and my attach my one takeaway was that I was attached. I kept set. My friend who facilitated the whole thing. She kept my coach. She came to me and she was checking in and she say how's it going? I'm like, I'm attached. So attached. She's like, Okay, are you good? I'm like, Oh, I'm just so attached. to that. It was really funny because I was I was so attached to the external expectations of life and I still have lots of attachments. But the beauty of that I was that I could, I realized I can see it now I can acknowledge it. And then I can let it go if I so choose, or at least I'm much more in tune with who I was at that point in time. So you're talking a little bit about what's also referred to as parts work, right? So if you talk to the part of you the part of that younger self, the part of the body even I love that. Yeah. And it's very helpful. And it's, it's kind of an an, an expansion of some of the coaching work that I originally spent a lot of energy around, which was, you know, mantras, mantras, like language, language, change your language, but you're talking about the emotion, right? And the BRT, totally, there's a metamodel I love body emotion language, the bell model. So the integration of that is tricky. How do you help your your clients get out of their heads and into their bodies? Like you talked about? You had to do that? But wasn't it? I saw you doing a lot of movement and dance in some of your posts. Yeah. Did you go take one of those fun dance classes? Or like, did you just do it in your house? Like, what would you advise us?

Hannah Diendorfer: 36:55

For for someone who is new in this, I would look up on YouTube, somatic regulation tools, or somatic shaking, or somatic nervous system regulation tools, and just follow along of those kinds of videos, those are super helpful to help you get in your body and move through some some energy, simplest technique of all time as a one song dance party, like just put on a song, any type of song that matches the vibe of where you're at, and let your body feel the music and move with the feeling. If you listen, if you feel sad, put on a sad song and let your body feel that sadness and move without music. Music I have found for people who have a hard time connecting in with their emotions and connecting in with their body. Music is the fastest route to get there. And

Nicoa Coach: 37:49

they should probably start with let's talk about sex pay the

Hannah Diendorfer: 37:54

family brought up full circle.

Nicoa Coach: 37:57

No, I love it. And you're right. There are lots of great videos about somatic work too. So yeah, that's very important. Did Did you do any of the hypnotherapy work? I happen to be a rapid transformational therapist and tell us a little bit about your experience in hypnotherapy, I want to share with my listeners, because if you offer some of that I offer some of that it's kind of neat stuff. It can you for sure.

Hannah Diendorfer: 38:21

Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. So when we're talking about the body, there's also a conversation going on behind the scenes, that is the body is sub the subconscious as well. So those two things to me are synonymous body and subconscious are together. And hypnosis is a really powerful way to tap into both at the same time. So in my experience, the way I was taught hypnosis was like really going into deep relaxation, through rhythmic language to support the body and really relaxing and really going into a downregulated place where the subconscious can come open, and online, and the body is then open to suggestion as well. So in that place of really deep relaxation, our mind is more open, our subconscious is open. And a really great hypnotherapist can give the subconscious subjects, suggestions that can help. If you've never been able to get to a place where you have positive dialogue inside or you have a part of you that speaks kindly to yourself. A great hypnotherapist can put positive suggestions into your subconscious that can support you and feeling more of that on a regular basis. Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 39:44

it's really powerful. And we the version of the practice that I have includes the follow on self hypnosis with the recording for them to listen to on a regular basis. So it's it's literally doing what your your therapist showed you, which was it's rewiring the brain. And yes, it is. I'm glad to hear you say that about the body and the subconscious being synonymous. I've never really thought about it that way that's really helpful for me. I like that, um, total

Hannah Diendorfer: 40:13

if there's so much information in here, yeah, like insane amount of information. And the only way that that can be interpreted is through subconscious expression. Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 40:28

I'm curious, the your partner, how did you find your partner? There's a there's a lot of my clients talk about not being able to relate at certain stages with their partners because they want to be all spiritual or I mean, my husband too. He's kind of like, okay, yeah, he supports me, but he's not really interested in the conscious You know, coupling it to the extent that I am. How did you attract conscious coupler?

Hannah Diendorfer: 40:55

Well, I wore I wore a t shirt to a coffee meet up that said Daddy is a state of mind. So I love it. That That definitely helps. Yeah, he's he saw that teacher and he was like, Oh, are you into kink? And I was like, Yes, I am. Let's have some conversations are you? And, and yeah, and it really blossomed from there. Because you know, that my, the way that I framed kink, or the way that I had done, kink was very conscious. It was lots of conversations, lots of awareness, always sober, like so much safety. And so if someone knows how to be in those conversations, they probably are also into conscious relationships. And yeah, and then it was just history from that, Oh, it's

Nicoa Coach: 41:44

beautiful. Well, conscious coupling and consciousness right now, a lot of people are afraid to go there. So let's just talk a little bit about what that is, you know, what does it mean to be conscious? And for me, I try to talk to my clients and my friends and anybody who will listen, it's about creating the ability to observe oneself and create space around oneself, so that you are having a dialogue kind of with your higher version of you. That is that choice. Right. So the space you agree, enables the ability to observe, assess, and then pick the judgment of the circumstance and apply that judgment or emotion or decision on to what you're observing. very intentionally. I don't know. Did I miss anything? What do you think? Is that pretty? Summarizing consciousness? Yeah,

Hannah Diendorfer: 42:34

totally. I mean, the the word that came to mind was, for me was choice, it is having the ability to choose instead of being in automatic response, yeah, in automatic programming, it's giving you control and autonomy and choice, making more choices available, you

Nicoa Coach: 42:55

can't actually have the conversation with the body part or the piece of you that's anxious, if you haven't paused long enough to observe what was happening in your body, and then consciously choose to have the conversation. So yeah, it's almost like we're diagramming sentences in the fifth grade, which you're younger than me. So we used to do that. It was a waste of time, waste of time. But the ability to think like that enables really beautiful lifestyles to be created and designed. So how are you currently designing your life? And what are you still working on? I mean, I'm sure you're not finished straight up, figured it out. Trauma yield the trauma of insects tomorrow. So what do you see? Yeah,

Hannah Diendorfer: 43:43

I mean, now, it's the, for me, it's about, yeah, I could just continuing to find the places inside of myself, where I'm still not totally accepting and loving and caring, and applying love there over and over and over and over. Like, there's so much in my body and in my history of all of that trauma, that there are places inside of myself where I'm still not accepting and loving. And so the entire locus of my work, emotionally is always going to be how much more compassion can I give myself in that place where like, I really don't want to look at that, or really don't care about that, or I really dislike that part of myself. So that's where for me, the work gets to keep being, and then like, what it looks like, in my life is right now building a business that supports me building a family. So my partner and I, within the next couple of years, want to have some kids. And so the intentional design is like, Okay, how do we make the most badass family? And like, how do I be like, a mom, like the mom that I would want for myself? Right? What does that look like? And how do I show up that way? And what's it that's like, yeah, so that's the exciting next next evolution and I'm sure that kids will just bring up all different places inside myself that need care. Well,

Nicoa Coach: 45:21

I thought that right where you were saying it I had this vision as I'm often when I think about healing, it's like this, this spiraling up, right, we continue we heal and we heal and then we have a kid and then you have to heal all over again in that same area. At a new level. Yeah, well, yeah, you really did sign up for the master class, didn't you?

Hannah Diendorfer: 45:42

Versa, I'm here for it. Totally. I want to be when I'm like 100 years old. I want to be I'm just an absolute ninja of life just floating on a fucking Joy cloud.

Nicoa Coach: 45:57

Maybe we're the Crohn's and I'm right ahead of you. So I'm gonna do my best for you, I'm gonna role model for you, I'm gonna do my best to make choices that serve me and love me. And I'm gonna go practice that internal dialogue that you're talking about. And because I'm anxious energy, cortisol addict, and, you know, we don't, I'm not drinking coffee for nothing. But that does have an effect. Real quick, though, you talked about doing those conscious conversations, sober, Alert, Aware, talk about your self care practices, because this is a big piece of coaching work for me, when I do holistic work. A lot of times people are just interrupting and disrupting what they want, because of the way they're caring for their bodies and their spirits. And talk to me about your practices. Yeah.

Hannah Diendorfer: 46:51

Yeah, I think for me, what it looks like is moving my body in some way every single day, whether that's going to the gym or going for walks outside, or one song dance parties, or shaking or doing my somatic exercises, like my body needs to be moved. And like, keep that my energy up. eating really healthy foods. So putting good nutrients, good quality food into my body, and seeing my care practitioners. Like, that's my top, my top self care practices, like twice a week, I go see Dr. Rose, and she supports me and supports my body. Like, that's the way that I care for myself is investing in that part of my care.

Nicoa Coach: 47:37

And we can't do it alone. We could probably a couple more lifetimes.

Hannah Diendorfer: 47:43

Yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 47:45

I'm glad that you shared that. And, you know, I have recently I all of a sudden out of nowhere, I'm like, I don't want to eat red meat right now. And I didn't, there was so many thoughts in my head about that decision. But mainly it was my body, just like no. And I'll even look at her husband loves a good grilled steak. And I'm like, Yeah, that looks delicious. But no. And then not drinking, I'm choosing alternative drinks, that, you know, ashwagandha, things like that. And it seems more natural. Actually, it actually relaxes me to the point where I'm more, I'm just more conscious. I'm just more present. Yeah. And that presence is where I think, you know, for people with low libidos, or having challenges around their sexuality. I think it ultimately does come back down to presence. You know, what,

Hannah Diendorfer: 48:35

finitely?

Nicoa Coach: 48:36

What would you want to share before we wrap up, because again, I want to talk for a week and a half. But I'm

Hannah Diendorfer: 48:42

like, I got like five minutes last coaching session.

Nicoa Coach: 48:47

I need you your last minute moments of wisdom here for for our listeners.

Hannah Diendorfer: 48:53

What would I want to share about your

Nicoa Coach: 48:57

lust slash love by design philosophies? What have we not discussed?

Hannah Diendorfer: 49:05

That it's constantly changing. Like, you're never going to arrive at a place where you're done. Figuring out who you are sexually, like it was going to look different at every part of your life. It's a constant growth edge that you can lean into, like, you will always be evolving in that area. And so just if you're trying to compare yourself to who you were yesterday, it's an unfair comparison. Like really be in the curiosity and discovery of who am I today? What do I want today? What works for my body today? In this moment right now? And if you keep doing that forever, you're gonna have an amazing sex life forever.

Nicoa Coach: 49:52

I love it. And what do you want to celebrate the most about you? Before we

Hannah Diendorfer: 49:58

oh my gosh, I love my curio, curiosity and constant desire to grow and learn. I love that about myself. I

Nicoa Coach: 50:09

love that about you, too. And everybody. She threw her arms up in the air as she thought through that response. And of course, it was so natural and authentic. Thank you for talking all about sex with us and I will be following you closely. Anything you want to put out into the store. Anything we'll send them to your website. Yeah, anything new.

Hannah Diendorfer: 50:31

I just I made I made a new quiz today. It's amazing. It's called Why don't you crave sex anymore quiz and it'll show you what of the four main causes of low libido you are and give you tips for what to do. If that's you, so take the quiz. It's so fun. It's amazing. And I'll send that link to as well Nicola, so you can put it in the show notes.

Nicoa Coach: 50:57

I will definitely do it. You really are a freaking powerhouse at helping low libido. Women create turn on pleasure, self love and freedom to have the sex lives of their dreams. And everybody, please, right now go have sex with either yourself or someone you love. Okay. That's it, guys. I'll talk to you later. Thank you.

Hannah Diendorfer: 51:19

Thank you so much. Great. Great.

Unknown: 51:26

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicoa for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow Coffee with Nicoa and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N IC O A. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then.