S1 EP34: CJ SCARLET

OMG This is one of Nicoa's favorite caffeinated conversations to date. It is a major LOVE FEST with so many LESSONS LEARNED! Meet CJ Scarlet, the BADASS GRANDMOTHER, who is one of Nicoa's dearest most amazing friends. She shares her life story -- from death's door, extreme self hatred to being listed as one of the top 100 happiest people in the world! This conversation IS SO INSIGHTFUL and FUN! Wait for the best marketing advice, too: When in doubt, go with the Cheap Chicken Monday marketing strategy...
                     and, oh yeah, don't forget to throw a party!

CJ's books "Badass Parenting: An Irreverent Guide to Raising Safe, Savvy, Confident Kids" and it's twin "clean" version "Heroic Parenting: An Essential Guide to Raising Safe, Savvy, Confident Kids, as well as "The Badass Girl's Guide: Uncommon Strategies to Outwit Predators," and "Neptune's Gift: Discovering Your Inner Ocean." CJ's fifth book--"Raising Badass Kids: The Savvy Parents' Guide to Predator-Proofing Tweens & Teens"--will be published in November 2023.

You can order her books HERE!
Follow CJ: @cj.scarlet

US National Sexual Assault Hotline : Available 24 hours  Learn more
1-800-656-4673 
Additional Resources: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/resources.html

What is Buddhism?  https://education.nationalgeographic.org/resource/buddhism/
What is a B Corporation?

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. CJ Scarlett, this is the third time I've welcomed you to my podcast that I've just so excited that you're here.

CJ SCARLET: 0:31

This is the third time I've told you how excited I am. And I've been looking forward to this for weeks because I love spending time with you. Nicoa you are one of my inspirations, your positivity, your business, the way you approach business and life and other people is so empowering and so amazing. Is it doing it again?

Nicoa Coach: 0:50

Yeah, no, I'm just in love with you. I'm just sitting. I'm shaking my head because I'm like, it's like that image of the woman that was like, no, stop. Can you teach me that? Where you put your hand out, but your other hand is like keep it coming. Keep it coming.

CJ SCARLET: 1:05

You know, favorite people?

Nicoa Coach: 1:07

You are one of my favorite people. And you have role model for me since 2009 2009. And that was the year that I quit my big fat job and and you and I went off and began a massive love fest with roving coach International. Yes, we did. Gosh. And where did we meet go? That was forever ago. Ah, where we at like a fin fascicles event or where did we actually meet?

CJ SCARLET: 1:34

I don't remember but I met you and I convinced Stephanie MC tilde our third partner to have coffee with you at Carolina.

Nicoa Coach: 1:42

Yeah, over there at the village

CJ SCARLET: 1:45

in the village in Raleigh. And you and I started brainstorming and it just took off. He's sitting there holding like for dear life going once.

Nicoa Coach: 1:57

Oh my gosh. Well, before we jump into that amazing cradle to grave experience. I'm gonna do a quick introduction of you. We're gonna have so much to talk about everybody. Hold on to your hats. Because CJ Scarlett go ahead pause you can look her up CJ scarlett.com. I'm about to tell you about 10 Fabulous facts about her. Her first real job yeah, as a roller skating car hop at a Sonic Drive In. Yeah. She was kicked out of Mrs. Witherspoon's business class in 1978 for being impudent after declaring that she was going to be President of the United States when asked what her plans were after graduation. And if you don't know what impudent means, you should look that up. I had to she was entered a rodeo Queen contest on a dare haven't ridden a horse only one time before that. Ladies and gentlemen, she went third place out of three contestants. Oh my god, that's so funny. That reminds me my kids will come home. It's like I got an I was in second place and I'm like how many people were there to hate me. She also fought fires for the US Forest Service and planted 10s of 1000s of trees in the mountains of Arkansas and Oklahoma. She stood on the skids of a Huey helicopter and shot a Gatling gun while screaming like a banshee when she served as a Marine Corps photo journalist. That is such a cool image. I was rambling her. You were I mean, you still are Rambo. You are such a badass. We haven't even said that yet. On her first day on the job in the Marines, she literally stopped a war. Okay, well, it was just a joint Navy Marine Corps military exercise, but she stopped it nonetheless, by calling for a ceasefire when she was escorting a news crew. They wanted to get a shout of the machine gunners. How was she supposed to know they were firing blanks? That's what I got this one Corporal gullible. Corporal gullible. Do you see that written right there on the side of that gun? Okay, now this I did not know this story. You dated one of the Iranian hostages after he was released from captivity?

CJ SCARLET: 4:12

Yes. Wow. One can't even imagine. Worked at the embassy.

Nicoa Coach: 4:18

Oh, really? Yeah. Huh? You know, PIPA speaks Farsi. Really? Yes, she is in her fourth year studying. She was thinking about, you know, being a diplomat or something that will be there will be no retable. Well, they just cut a deal today. They got some hostages. They trade yesterday. Yeah. Okay. I digress. So for those of you listening, CJ and I have known each other and spent so much time together that this could last three hours. I'm just saying you Okay, CJ was now here this and you guys thought I was happy? No, I'm a certified happiness trainer. But TJ was named one of the happy 100 people on the planet. And she still is if not in the top 10 I swear to god, okay, and so therefore not surprisingly, she was also selected as Miss optimist by the Optimist Club back in 1976. So there was some foreshadowing there.

CJ SCARLET: 5:17

There was another there was a statewide competition and I also came in third out of three

Nicoa Coach: 5:26

three is one of my favorite numbers CJ, I think. I love you so much. Okay, you are you're right, multi book author, you've written Happy for No, no, you are highlighted in two best selling books. But you also have books that you've authored. You were highlighted in the two best selling books Happy for No Reason and be invincible if anybody wants to check those out. But tell us the books that you've authored to date that are out there so people can start going to Amazon right now and start ordering all of them.

CJ SCARLET: 5:58

So I started out in 2008, with Neptune's gift discovering your inner ocean, which is a sort of a allegorical tale that Jack Canfield called the new Jonathan Livingston Seagull for the new century, which I thought was kind of a no to John Segal was. Then there is a badass Girls Guide uncommon strategy stat with predators that I wrote in 2017 that Nicoa has read and recommends. Then there was heroic parenting, for Edie, badass parenting, which came out in 2020, which are the same book, except that parenting is PG rated and badass parenting is not. Oh, that was a good idea. Yeah, and they sell 5050. And those books, parents of kids are organized about how to how to protect their kids from predators and teach the kids themselves how to protect themselves from predators, and escape dangerous encounters. Then my fifth book, which will be released on November 15, is raising badass kids, a savvy parents guide to predator proofing tweens and teens for parents of kids turned 18 covers everything from bullying and cyber bullying, sexual molestation, assault, sexual consent, sex trafficking, online dangers where crime is really going up. But I do it sort of a snarky, lighter way to kind of lighten up these dark topics. So it's very readable books.

Nicoa Coach: 7:15

Oh, good. And you are making a significant impact. You know, one of the things I loved is that you indicated how you serve on your website, and that you really want your work, your passion, your life to be devoted to helping others live safely, with Savelii. And also confidently Yeah, and that's why I wanted you on the podcast, because you're helping give the skills and the tools to individuals, parents, in particular, you know, women and men, but giving everybody the tools they need to live an intentional life by design, that doesn't have to be doesn't have to include self loathing or victimhood. Yep. And overcoming that can give them that confidence to really step into their truth and their wholeness, just like you have over your journey.

CJ SCARLET: 8:06

Thank you. One of my favorite stories about Unicode is that you were in your office, and you're walking by a cleaning lady. And she asked you a question, I can't what it was. And you said something. And she said, claim it. And you guys high fived each other and claiming your power is how to not stay a victim when bad things happen to you. And whenever I think of claiming my power, I think of you in that moment claiming your truth, claiming your

Nicoa Coach: 8:34

eye. And I can't remember what I what we said to each other. But I do remember that and I had this tendency to talk to whoever I passed by in a hallway. So I probably was processing something that I was concerned about, or I was about to step into something and I would have said something like, you know, wish me luck. Here I go, you know, I'm about to go do this. And, and I do remember her saying claim that that's an awesome story. I'd love to hear the stories that people remember, you know, and you know our story, really, let's go back to it for people because it was one of the most intense times of my life. And you and Stephanie were like angels that came in and put your wings around me. And we tried to do we did a beautiful thing we did. We just did it. I think in retrospect from an energy of I was doing it from an energy of passion and an aspiration but also desperation and I think the energy of desperation, the stinky cologne cost. Yeah, it caused us to not thrive in combination with a session

CJ SCARLET: 9:52

we started with the reception. That's what I was gonna say when people proceed coaching as a unnecessary benefit and not an asset. ECITY that was right. And with what happened?

Nicoa Coach: 10:03

Would you describe for everybody just a high level what Robin coach International was and what our goal was there. I don't add in as

CJ SCARLET: 10:12

fluidly roving coach International was, we did laser coaching for middle managers. We have clients in the US, UK. And we also covered Canada. We don't have any can't Canadian clients, but we covered we had clients in the UK. And it was all about helping in a 30 minute session, helping managers identify situations they were in that were troubling them that were causing them stress or work problems, and helping them identify what they wish the situation would look like. And then then closing the gap.

Nicoa Coach: 10:42

Yes. And we really loved trying to do we really had the vision. If we had an investor, I think we're with an infusion of cash, or maybe a larger organization to bring us in as a partner. I think it would have had it would have. Yeah, right. It would have helped with the sustainability. But our goal in life with that business model was to create world peace, one employee at a time, world peace in the workplace. Yep. Are we coach value elaboration,

CJ SCARLET: 11:13

open openness, authenticity, celebration, and what was the age, humility,

Nicoa Coach: 11:20

humility, I came across that the other day, and I have the recording, that I use it in my leader as coach training now. So what happened? What so here's how it would play out you guys. So it was we wanted it to be sold as a benefit, and like a service to an organization. So imagine your company, and you would have access to this through let's say, your employee assistance program as a coaching resource. And we would have this contract coach trained through us and certified and come in and sit down on site at your company. So it's a new day, they'd be online now. Oh, and CJ, did you see that they have online coaching, and online counseling, just like that idea you had that? That was your idea, just for the record that we'll see if Chase. And we tried to create that we just, you know, anyway, obviously, you can, you can feel my passion and somewhat of the regret that it couldn't have gained traction sooner, but value and all, I would bring this person on your site. And then in advance of your 30 minute coaching session, you would have filled out a survey that again, all this is anonymous, but it would help gain a snapshot of the culture for the corporate leadership. And then you'd have your 30 Minute laser coaching session with an action to take at least one step towards what it was that you wanted. And then a post session survey, and we worked with Lockheed Martin, Bank of America. It was a really cool experience until it no longer served us.

CJ SCARLET: 12:50

Yeah, but we know how it's fun the whole way. We celebrated every little win with Moses. Remember that same talk in the morning in a hotel in Dallas, Texas, drinking.

Nicoa Coach: 13:02

Yes, in the bathroom. I remember like, let's go ahead, because we had a meeting with where were we Oh, with American Airlines? Yes. God damn those gas. You have that photograph? When we went to Vegas, we met with? What was that guy that did that? That company? Vegas. What was that company? That was a shoe company, zappos Zappos.

CJ SCARLET: 13:32

Tony Shea Damn,

Nicoa Coach: 13:33

we had such great meetings.

CJ SCARLET: 13:39

But cheap chicken Monday, for those of you who are listening, we went into a grocery store, grab some orange juice, Farmer Moses. And they had a big sign across the window at this this grocery store and said cheap chicken Monday and the cold got the biggest kick out of that. So we decided that whenever we were in talks about what we should do for marketing, but if we ran out of ideas, we would just do cheap chicken.

Nicoa Coach: 14:04

Well, we should take a coffee break right now. And then it will come back and I'll use a cheap chicken Monday and in between. Now, I don't even want to take a coffee break it. I'm not ready. I'm having too much fun. Alright, so guys, what's cool about this story that we're telling you is that we started a freaking company, just three of us. We had ethic at 1.5 or six employees. And we really had a vision. And we had never done this before. Maybe CJ and Stephanie had done some things like this more in their past but nothing at this scale. And we went for it. And it lasted almost four years. And then guess what? We had to close our doors. Remember that conversation? CJ?

CJ SCARLET: 14:47

No, remind me.

Nicoa Coach: 14:49

Well, I was sitting there with you guys. And we were suffering, right? We were all like, oh my god, we you know, we spent all this money and we're not getting the traction. We're not making you know, we're not getting the return and oh my god I'm not having fun. And that was my biggest bet, y'all guys, I'm not having fun anymore. And I remember you and Stephanie going, well, what are we going to do? And I said, Well, I, I think I don't want to do it anymore. And you were like, Okay, well, I think we should close it. I think we should just close the business. And we sat there. And we had to sit with that disappointment, if you will. Yeah. It's

CJ SCARLET: 15:24

like losing losing someone close to you to let a business coach or baby.

Nicoa Coach: 15:28

It really was. And I remember, we made a decision that once we decided to close, we all agreed everybody on the team agreed. And then what did we do?

CJ SCARLET: 15:39

We had a party. We had a big party, they champagne bash,

Nicoa Coach: 15:46

we have everybody. That's right. Everybody that had ever helped us over four years, we had a video setup of all the photographs and videos that we'd ever done and, and the marketing materials. And when we thank everybody, and I remember really suffering, I call my dad and I said, Oh, my God, Dad, we you know, we failed. We failed. We didn't do it. And he was like, What are you talking about? And I said, I mean, I spent all this money over four years. He said, tell me how much an MBA cost? And I told him, he said, Well, let me just tell you some, you just paid for an MBA and you did it the real way. I've never forgotten that. And you and Stephanie, not I think the value wasn't the freaking business. I think it was you and Stephanie, helping me grow spiritually, emotionally, you gave me a safe space. And I want to thank you for that.

CJ SCARLET: 16:38

Well, I want to thank you back. Because my biggest leadership tests I've ever had in my life where that business, I was not ready to be the CEO of that company. And I made so many mistakes, so many mistakes, I learned so much. And what what my favorite part of what we did was when we would have retreats, we would do our freaking love fest, and the freaking love fest. And I would recommend this for anyone in any company, or any I do with my family. Now, I'm at birthdays, a freaking fast is where one at a time you pick one person to be the object of everyone's attention. And you go around the room. And each person says what they love about that person, you can't you can't cop out and say I like your kind, you have to rewrite tell what it is that you love about that person. And then you go to the next person. But doing it a birthdays is fun, because all the attention is focused on the birthday person. And everybody goes around and says what they love about that person.

Nicoa Coach: 17:30

I loved that. And we did it. My family actually did it at Thanksgiving a couple times. And you're right that we I think we whether the company sustained itself or not, we really practiced in applying lead lead by design, you know, intentional cultural practices that were values based. And we never faltered, we were a B Corp. So for those of you who don't know that, you know, it's people and planet before profits, which somebody might be laughing, right? We didn't fail,

CJ SCARLET: 18:03

we just put everything 12 people on the planet.

Nicoa Coach: 18:10

Well, you can't stay in business without profits.

CJ SCARLET: 18:12

That's probably where the experience I've ever had in a business situation in my entire life.

Nicoa Coach: 18:18

I hope everybody will look back at their own what they might have thought was a failure or a miss and say, What did I learn? Why did that happen? For me? What was the intention of that experience on my life journey? Because look at you now. And look, oh my God, look at me now. Look at Stephanie. Now we're and all the people that we touched. Talk to us a little bit about what it felt like to be you during that timeframe. And how can we start telling your maybe your conversion story of reclaiming your life?

CJ SCARLET: 18:51

Oh, wow, that's such a great question. I was so I mean, I've been CEO of other companies before but this was a unit I had I never had business partners before to help me make decisions that relied on me that you know, I felt I felt a lot of pressure to perform to get money and to get clients in. But I'm also a terrible people pleaser, Nicola. Here the people please. Yep. And so that often made me inauthentic. I was so busy trying to tell you what you wanted to hear or telling people what they wanted to hear that I wasn't speaking my truth. Right. And as a result of that, I think people can sense in authenticity. It's like this like desperation you know, it's a stinky cologne, you know, in authenticity has attracted energy that repels people. It really does. And I was also you had you had trauma in my background childhood trauma from sexual assaults that I had not fully dealt with. And so I was bringing all this baggage with me to this business. And you had worked for Jack Welch For God's sake, get at GE. I mean, talk about pressure. But I was a very loosey goosey. Let's all just get along kind of person. And I think that in the process of doing a being the CEO of Robin coach, and having that kind of pressure on me, it caused me to freeze

Nicoa Coach: 20:21

your flight or, or fight or flight or freeze or

CJ SCARLET: 20:26

not just in the moment. But for that encapsulated period of time of I don't know if I had impostor syndrome so much as well, I guess in that situation I did is I'm not Jack Welch, who am I kidding here? Who am I be running this company? And, you know, nobody's Jack Welch, for heaven's sake, no. And so I didn't step into my power for who I was, which probably would have been a lot more effective. But as a result of everything I learned there, and the number one thing I got out of that experience was my friendship with you and Stephanie, those were the gifts that I got, and that whole experience. And moving past that, I recognize in retrospect, the stress I had put myself under that I had put myself under not that anybody else put me under and worked to overcome that. And I've been I'm still there, Bee Gees, I've been when I started therapy in 1990. And my now ex husband told me, I had six months to get myself together, he was out of there. And I thought, Oh, God, I can go through therapy in six months to get my life together. No problem. I'm still therapy 33 years later, but I, but it helps, it really does help. And it helped me to step into my own body, to step into my own purpose, to step into my own sense of self, so that I can be genuinely present for others, and be authentic with others and hear others and not be telling them what they want to hear. Which is terrible for a coach. I mean, you can't be a coach and tell people what they want to hear. That's terrible. What they want to hear, but telling them what you truly believe and feel with their best interest in mind.

Nicoa Coach: 22:59

Absolutely. And, you know, I can see now where you struggled, and where I wasn't authentically doing what I really wanted to do, which was just coach, which is what I do now. And I was in that debate of, you know, I just quit my big corporate job and I just overpressure on myself. Yep, I had just had malignant melanoma, which I never gave myself credit for having I was like, Well, I didn't have to have treatments. So that doesn't really count. Nobody, nobody marched for me, right. I never really get you know, it's funny when you just said that I was like, Oh, right. Because I've never really given that it's a big the attention it deserves. It was a big deal, I guess. So we could, this could be a counseling session. No, I'm just kidding. But I was in authentic in what I truly wanted to be doing in my life, which was the reason I had quit and, and I always joke, I said, Well, hell, I just created the same circus under a different tent. I was dreading phone calls from my CEO in the previous company, I'd started dreading phone calls from you. I was like, shit. I'm not having fun.

CJ SCARLET: 24:06

Of course, we're having fun. I remember one of the first come to Jesus conversations we had was when I was sending you emails on the weekend. And you're like, What is wrong with you? I'm not gonna respond. I'm just thinking in sending emails. You're like, I'm, I don't why?

Nicoa Coach: 24:24

Oh, my God, the two of us having not yet healed, we carried so much in my I did an interview with someone on a previous podcast. And why Nicole Lewis key book keeper, and she talks about your relationships and need for healing come into relationship with your your business. And you and I could dissect the hell out of that relationship we both had with that business. Oh, my. And now though, you've done the work now, share a little bit about the physical manifestations of the negative energy from your victimized youth, and later in life. And let's go ahead and transition into that story. Because I think people, people need to know that they're not broken, and that they can overcome any past historic trauma.

CJ SCARLET: 25:14

Yes. So I had been molested as a child that I was raped twice at the age of 19 and almost loaded into a sex trafficking ring. I don't know if you knew that about me or not.

Nicoa Coach: 25:22

I did not. Yes. Oh my god.

CJ SCARLET: 25:24

We started talking about that after I saw the sound of freedom the other day. It's like, my story was I was a child. I was an adult for all practical purposes, but it was a real almost scary situation there. Okay, I had PTSD really, really bad and I was very dissociated. I decided I disconnected and compartmentalized everything that had happened to me, too. The point that I can live on the surface like nothing had ever gone wrong. But inside there was this roiling, boiling morass of trauma. You can't hold that inside not have consequences for that. And my I heard a quote once it disease is a soul screaming through the body.

Nicoa Coach: 26:07

Yes. Is this easy? Yes,

CJ SCARLET: 26:10

that's exactly what happened to me when I was 30 years old. At the same time, I started getting into therapy and dealing with memories. Within a week I was diagnosed with lupus and scleroderma, which are autoimmune conditions, where the body attacks itself. A lot of survivors of child abuse have just have autoimmune conditions, a lot of a high percentage of them. So I was sick on and off over the years, and sometimes so debilitated that I couldn't work. And in 1999, I became so debilitated when I was working at the Attorney General's office that I had to stop. I weighed 240 pounds, because I was on massive doses of steroids. I couldn't have lifted a glass like this, I couldn't turn a doorknob, I had to go up and down the stairs on my hands and knees, I was miserable. And then in 2002, the doctors told me my heart was failing that I was going to die. And I was petrified and I curled up in a ball and basically just waited to die. And then I got the case study with a Tibetan Buddhist Lama, you know the story Nicoa I got the chance to Tibetan Buddhist Lama who commanded me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to start thinking about the happiness of others.

Nicoa Coach: 27:16

I was like, So tell that story, though. Oh, yeah, I wanted to be there with you when this happened. So

CJ SCARLET: 27:23

I have a look through his house on my cane. And he opens the door. And I make a pitiful bow. And I start pouring out my story and I'm waiting for the shower me with much deserve sympathy. And that's what I learned that llamas don't do dramas. Because cosmic bitch slaps and all cosmic pitch slap by telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself. That's not what you expect from a Tibetan Buddhist Lama. This isn't a very heavily accented way that he's telling me, you know, he's just looking at me, like, Stop, just stop. And I was like, I can't help myself, how can I help anybody else. But he insisted, on the way home, I was driving, I was driving home and an ambulance went by with a siren blaring. And I said, a quick wish for the person inside that they would find help and healing. And I thought, well, that's simple, I can do that. So I started sending love to the drivers around me and letting the cut in front of me. And then I was letting the mom cut in front of me, like the grocery store, the one with a screaming baby, you know what I mean? Yeah, and I gave my cane to him and was struggling to walk and I left the better handicapped spot for someone else. And I felt a little bit happier. So I started making it a daily practice to do at least one act of kindness a day. And they were free, totally free things, or very expensive. I left inspirational notes on the driver's side door at the cancer center, not on the windshield, so they had to go get in their car, and then get out and go around and get it again, right beside door. I volunteered the Red Cross after Hurricane Katrina, little things that didn't cost much in terms of time or energy, but that were going to be beneficial. Because what had happened is I become so consumed by my own suffering that I forgot that everyone is fighting a hard battle.

Nicoa Coach: 29:01

That's right, say that again, for everybody who becomes

CJ SCARLET: 29:03

so consumed by my own suffering that I forgot that everyone's fighting a hard battle. And doing these open ends, acts of kindness opened my heart up to others in a way that had never been opened before. And I reached the point Nicoa where I was so content, so happy that it didn't matter whether I was sick, or sick or unwell or even living or dying, I was just happy. And at that point, my condition went to remission. This is 22 years ago, after they told me that I was going to die. And I feel better now that I felt since I was 30.

Nicoa Coach: 29:35

I remember you continuing to get healthier and healthier even during our stressful business endeavor. And you told me something that it still took me years to come to for myself and I don't even know if I've gotten there. But you said I love myself and ACOA you said I love mice I look in the mirror I love myself. I love everything about myself and I that changed my life because I practiced after that dialogue or multiple conversations, I'm sure looking in the mirror and just saying I love my body. I love myself. I love myself I am enough. I've written the I am enough on the mirror. How did you really get to a space of loving yourself because the story that you tell in the badass Girls Guide is that you felt really guilty and self loathing

CJ SCARLET: 30:27

I low about myself, I doubted myself. I thought I was stupid and useless. I believe this is the saddest thing of my entire life. I believed for 45 years that there was something inherently wrong with me that made good people do bad things that the predators weren't at fault or something about me that ate them abused me, made them molest me made them rate me. That's how low I was. And it was in the process of going through therapy. And then especially during these acts of kindness and reconnecting with humanity that I started to love myself a little bit. And I started to love myself a little bit more. And now I'm like a teenage boy. She just Oh, point that to the point that some women are uncomfortable with that. If I talk about how much I love myself, I've run into women who are like, Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? That much? Why do you think that is? Because they don't love themselves. And we're trained, we're socialized to not feel that way about ourselves. We're socialized to make nice, and be sweet and accommodate everybody. And in order to accommodate everybody, we have to twist ourselves into pretzel shapes and not be authentic. And loving this requires authenticity.

Nicoa Coach: 31:45

Yeah, I always practiced over time when I began to really recognize that life was just fun, and you're just supposed to live it and have as good a time as you can when people compliment me. Like if they say, oh my god, I really love that dress. I'm like, Yeah, me too. Yeah, I used to drive this whole

CJ SCARLET: 32:02

thing or No, I just got that in thrift store. Don't you know, I would downplay now I take compliments. I'm like, Thank you. Thank you, egotistical. I don't feel like I'm being egotistical in any way. It's just that I feel, the way I feel about myself now, which is light years away from where I used to, is about recognizing that I am spirit. I am divine. I'm a little piece of God in this human body making human mistakes. But I'm Buddha and Buddha in the making. I'm not saying I'm enlightened or anything like that yet, but I am Buddha trying Buddha, Buddha making mistakes Buddha starting a business Buddha having kids Buddha, and that you do and you are too and you are too.

Nicoa Coach: 32:46

Yes, yes. And yes. You know, I think you told me the story about Buddha. I've used this example. So many times you said, Well, if you're like the Buddha, you let the person just flail at you and flail at you. And I'm not saying that they're you're allowing yourself to be hurt. But you let them rant and rare and go and flail and flail until they're finished. And then you hug them.

CJ SCARLET: 33:13

When people see how, how calm you are, how in love with yourself, you are it, it awakens their triggers, it triggers them, and their insecurities. And so they will flail themselves against you like a person dashing selves against the rocks. And in a situation like that, the only thing you can do is just sit still and let them do let them project, let them project, you can't argue with them out of it. Eventually, you can sauce themselves. And that's when you get the hug.

Nicoa Coach: 33:41

That's when you give them the hug. And at the end of the day, sometimes you have to recognize that you've been doing it to yourself, wow. Yes. And if you're looking in that mirror, and you're like, Oh, my belly or my body or my or I just did that mean, I got in an argument with one of my kids the other day, it wasn't an argument. It was a debate. And, and this child went down the path of well, I've Well, I was just I'm bad. I'm like what? I really, I didn't take that moment in that moment to say no, you're not. You're not bad. Because we she No, she's not. No, no, she's not. But she went to that dialogue in order to say help me. Right. It was almost like helped me. I'm feeling like I'm bad. And so we had to enter that conversation in a different approach. But you can't help someone help themselves by countering them. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. It's almost like you have to say, Wow, what does that feel like?

CJ SCARLET: 34:46

Yes. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's why you're such an amazing coach. Yes, exactly.

Nicoa Coach: 34:51

And what did it feel like to be you when you were in all of that suffering? And then began to make that change change? What was the self talk? I

CJ SCARLET: 35:04

did, I felt very timid about it. Because it was like, who am I to love myself when all this crappy things that happened to all these crappy things have happened to me who am I to love myself when I make mistakes? Because I'm, I forced perfection on myself. I still do. I'm still really bad at that. I still kind of an overachiever. That was one of my coping skills. And I still over functioning. Yeah, yeah. A lot of survivors do that. If I can just, if I can just be perfect enough. They won't hurt me. That word, but we try. We try.

Nicoa Coach: 35:35

Yeah. It's very interesting to see those habits that emerge.

CJ SCARLET: 35:40

I can't think of very many situations in my life where I was convinced the other person was wrong. When it wasn't me projecting my shit onto them.

Nicoa Coach: 35:50

Give me an example. What do you mean? Oh,

CJ SCARLET: 35:56

my son, my oldest son, I constantly battle with him because he's he's very intelligent, super. He's like a genius. And he's very dismissive of me. Sometimes he triggers me, he triggers a five year old than me, because I don't like to humiliate, and I don't like to be dismissed. It feels really, really bad. So I build stories in my mind about why he's doing this, and what an awful person he is. And how did I raise a son like this when I was such a loving mother? And yeah, I told myself, that story about it. But when I'm able to distance myself from it and take a step back, I can see that it's my triggers that are the issue. It's not his behavior, it's my reaction to his behavior. That's the issue.

Nicoa Coach: 36:37

That's exactly right. If everybody could just pause for a moment, and think of their most recent triggered experience, or fight or argument or disappointment, and then ask yourself, what age am I when I am viewing that?

CJ SCARLET: 36:52

And I saw with my son, I haven't figured out why I'm five, but I am.

Nicoa Coach: 36:57

And that is interesting. Yeah. Well, we could do some rapid transformational therapy and figure that out, if you ever want to love that. Oh, yeah. Because you go back in time in that process, and you're looking at the moments in your life, two or three sessions of it, or scenarios of what caused you to feel dismissed. And then it gets uncovered. I had an argument once with John, and I am not kidding you, you guys. I was in the hallway. And I jumped up and down and stopped as if I were three. I did. I was like, I was like, You're not hearing me and the poor guy. He was like, and I said, afterwards, I said, Man, I really acted like a kid, just then that was some tantrum I threw, and we laughed about it. But it was so obvious. And when you can begin to observe yourself in the process of healing, you have to have those moments in order to see them to overcome them. Yes. So what have been some of your biggest coping mechanisms to continue to remind yourself that you're amazing, and enough, and you're not a victim? And you're claiming it? How do you keep that practice going for yourself?

CJ SCARLET: 38:10

By I'll tell you that I used to be surrounded when I was growing up by predators by people who were gonna know who heard other people. And the healthier I get, the more I attract, my back attracts my tribe, people who are going to be good to me, and the more repels people that were ever going to hurt. I don't have anyone in my life except my older son, that I ever have that do battle with anymore. So I don't really have that many triggers going on. I also remind myself, this, I'm a mood, I practice Buddhism. And so one of the things I've tried to remember at all times is that suffering comes from attachment. And maybe attachment is something you want or something you don't want. So in other words, if you're in a loving marriage, and you adore this person, but then they do something that thwarts you that either they either do something you didn't want them to do, or they did something you didn't want them to do. And all of a sudden, they're your enemy. They're your worst enemy, and you don't love them anymore, and you don't want to be married to them anymore. And the fact is they triggered you, they triggered your suffering, you're attached to how they behave the way they are. And when they disappoint you when they they quote unquote, disappoint you. You feel suffering?

Nicoa Coach: 39:22

Oh, yeah, I think that is the root of suffering. When someone doesn't show up for you, either the way you wish they would or the way you would Yeah. I think about it that way a lot. Because I'm like, I hear people, clients, you know, family members, well, I would never act that way. They would say, and I'm like, well, they aren't you.

CJ SCARLET: 39:45

Psychic, especially women, especially think guys are psychic. If they would just, they would just dot dot dot. And we're trying to project our minds on to them if they would just understand me or listening or whatever. We're not really being clear about what our needs are. We just expect them to know Have you ever been in an argument where you said where they go? What's wrong? You know what's wrong? I

Nicoa Coach: 40:07

don't know. I really don't know what's wrong. And then that's the disappoint. They were like, well, you should know what's wrong. Oh, I love it. So you

CJ SCARLET: 40:16

know, as we make plans, and God laughs and that's kind of how life is we make these stories in our head about how things are gonna go we have our attachments to how the cute what the future is going to look like. And then when it doesn't play out the way we want, we feel disappointed.

Nicoa Coach: 40:29

And you know as to Perell, she's a counselor or psychologist about relationships. She says, Every time you're in a relationship, whether it's parent child, you know, or an intimate relationship or a boss relationship. People around you don't know that you have an entire script of how this play is supposed to. Go, and that they are playing a character in your story. And if they don't show up for you and know their lines and show up in the role like they're supposed to, you get disappointed and you think they're effing up the play.

CJ SCARLET: 41:03

Yeah, you can't we cast people for parts in our play was right. And you're exactly right, Nico. When they don't play the part we have cast for them in our mind without telling them what their problem is. We spoke toward it, and then we they become our enemy.

Nicoa Coach: 41:18

And isn't that unfortunate?

CJ SCARLET: 41:20

situation where you asked us how I get there. When I get in a situation where I'm feeling uncomfortable, where I'm feeling disappointed, I started looking for, where do I have an attachment to this? And how do I let it go?

Nicoa Coach: 41:31

And is that easier for you every time

CJ SCARLET: 41:35

it takes, I think it is easier and easier and easier. Now it's like I can let it go. Like most of the time, most of them. Not every time right? There's still situations like with my oldest son where I'll get trapped i because it's an intimate relationship. Yeah, you know, I can I can forgive you, I forgive Saddam Hussein for all the stuff he did. But I can't forgive my brother in law for the crap he did. Because we have our attachments to the people closest to us are the deep, or the deepest endears attachments we have. And they we give them the power to hurt us. They're not actually doing something to hurt us. We're interpreting it that we weren't offering that. But if you if you stop for a second to look, what is my attachment here? What am I attached to? Then you can correct it? Because then you can say, Well, I wasn't clear with them what my expectations were or they don't owe it to me to play out that part. I cast for them. Whatever it is, right, you can let it go.

Nicoa Coach: 42:27

Yeah, and I like to say it's not that you go there is how long do you stay there? And can you recover? Yeah, right. Because I think that recovery piece and for people listening really, if you can master recovery, you can forgive yourself for being triggered or forgive the other person for not knowing their their lines.

CJ SCARLET: 42:46

Yeah, and recognizing that we're human. I mean, that's where most people struggle and suffer is they don't forgive themselves for the things they do that are so human. You know, we place these expectations on ourselves to be the perfect mom and so when we yell at our kids, we feel like garbage. Every parent Yeah, their kids, your kids or kids are little jerks sometimes they deserve

Nicoa Coach: 43:10

I remember once talking to Tatiana May she May her soul rest in peace are really good friend and medical intuitive. And Tatianna. I went to her once for a session, and I was like, oh my god, I just let into justice. I just yelled at my firstborn son. I was like, Oh, my God, I just gave it to him. And she goes, Well, maybe he needed that in that moment. And I was like, what? Value in all, once I embraced that there may be some because I thought I know better. What in the world was wrong with me? How come I showed up like that. But if you begin to recognize that we're all showing up for each other exactly like we agree to with our soul contracts with that, then, you know, your son is supposed to be triggering you. He's trying to help you heal that little five year old self. That didn't feel that felt dismissed. And

CJ SCARLET: 44:00

we agreed, we agree for him to be kind of jerky to me to help me do that. Yeah. And so in a way he's doing me a huge favor. Not in a way, but actually, he's doing me a huge favor.

Nicoa Coach: 44:11

I think everybody should get your pen and your journal out and pause because you're really going to have to reflect on that. And once you live under that assumption. Oh my gosh, life is so much and you have no

CJ SCARLET: 44:22

enemies. You have nobody that's around you ever again. All right.

Nicoa Coach: 44:27

No one not even that really rude customer service rep that always triggers me. Oh my god, CJ. Let's actually take a little coffee break. And then when we come back, I really want to talk about the power of the badass Girls Guide. And yeah, let's see where we can go with that. That sounds good. We will be right back.

Jennifer Gardner: 44:50

We hope you're enjoying listening to this episode of Coffee with Nicoa. Make sure to subscribe so that you never miss an episode and follow Coffee with Nicoa on Instagram to find inspiring content that will help you begin creating your life by design.

Nicoa Coach: 45:05

And we're back. And you know what? I love you so much that this this next half I want people to recognize that you have done the research, you have done the work you are not only sharing insights, guidelines, tips, trends, research results, but you had to learn these skills for your own survival in life and to claim your life back. And I couldn't be more proud of you. Tell us about the badass Girls Guide uncommon strategies to outwit predators.

CJ SCARLET: 45:39

I wrote that book and I published it in 2017. And I wrote it because I want to give women and girls and it's appropriate for girls as young as 13 Um strategies for how to avoid being even targeted by predators in the first place, like having confidence in themselves. Competence is the number one, predator repellent. Number one predator repellent. And so learning how to recognize when they their intuition when they don't feel safe in their environment because we're really bad about tamping down that intuition saying always nothing or I'm being over. I'm overreacting, you know, and predators will encourage that they'll encourage that if you're being Whoa, I didn't mean that, you know, why are you You know, I was just making a joke. But learning to trust your intuition, learning to set boundaries, emotional and physical boundaries that say, This is what I will and will not tolerate, and then having the Moxie to take action and defend those boundaries. So I actually talk about how to talk your way out of a potentially dangerous situation. And then I teach you how to fight like a rabbit Tasmanian devil to get out of a situation that you cannot talk yourself out of. And the rabbit has been what's so great about the rabbit Tasmanian devil moves, the Taz moves. It those of you who remember Taz is a cartoon character of Looney Tunes. He's a whirlwind of fists and feet and fangs, he just has tornado of energy. And if you're ever encountered by somebody who is intent on hurting you, if you bite, kick, scratch, yell your heart out, pinch twist gouge just go bonkers on there, but they're gonna drop you like a hot, hot, hot hot potato because they don't want to get caught. They don't want to bring attention to what they're doing. And they want to, they want you to go meekly. And a lot of people do. There's a video of a woman who was being kidnapped. And then she was later sexually assaulted for over a three day period for she she got away. You can see the video of her on the dark street, the guy grabs her arm, she stumbles and falls. And he pulls her arm and she gets back up again, it goes to his car, she should have fought her, you have to tell him I actuation like that you're fighting for your life. Yeah, and if you fight the way I talk about without having to know any form of martial arts, or any formal self defense moves, you can probably get yourself out of a situation don't ever, ever, ever let a predator. I mean, you have to make a decision for yourself in that moment, whether you fight or not. That's okay. If you choose not to fight because you deem is in your best interest. That's okay. I'm telling you though, if you have if they tried to do a secondary location, the results are not going to be good. You got to fight for your life. Yeah, teach you how.

Nicoa Coach: 48:15

When I read the book, I found my body getting really angry, and intense. And I had taught my children. It was validating first of all, the book was really validating of some of the things that I had innately known and I have not been a and they say don't say big T little T trauma anymore. But I have not been raped. I have not been attacked by a predator. But I have a whole list of me to moments. Yep. And you know, most women do heinous

CJ SCARLET: 48:47

relative, but that's the worst that happened to you. It's what valid and it's worthy of attention.

Nicoa Coach: 48:52

You know, actually, the first time I when I was reading the book, it was kind of interesting, because you talk about how, you know, it doesn't mean you have to be raped, to be attacked. And when I was five years old, so back to five year olds, I was in five year old kindergarten. And these three little boys were chasing me around the playground. And I'll never forget it. And they were like, kind of grabbing me. And they threw me down on my back. And they pretended they were like, Oh, this is the meal. And they took their hands and put them they did not touch me. But they put them on my private like over my private parts. And they were like in this desert, and they put their hand down right above my crotch. And I thought to myself, first of all, where the effort the teachers at five, I'm like, where's my I am being attacked? I literally was being attacked. And I also remember thinking later, how did those boys know that?

CJ SCARLET: 49:47

Yeah, like how do right you have that's not they didn't make that up. They learned that somewhere.

Nicoa Coach: 49:53

They learned that somewhere. So when I taught my kids, like one of my kids was going on a big trip. And I said to them, I said listen to me, you're going to be with like 30 other kids, and y'all have about three hour window each evening where you can do whatever the hell you want. I said if you find yourself in a situation with another kid, and hey, you want to hang out with that kid, and you follow that kid, and all of a sudden you're in a compromising situation. I don't care what you did up until that moment. You need and you don't want to be there. Then you say no. And I made them

CJ SCARLET: 50:25

and you can say I have to go bathroom and then just ever go back and just leave.

Nicoa Coach: 50:28

Exactly. So I tried to give them all of those tips. And then I also taught them how to cuss like a MF er. And I taught them how to be big and loud. But I also taught them this. Like let's say you're at some party. And your book really reminded me of all the ways you can do this. I said to one of my kids I said theater at some party or you're in a bar, and they're all somebody's inappropriately lean and sh you can lean in. And you can whisper something just horrible to them and their ear. Like, if you don't get the EFF away from me, you know, I'm about to walk up to that bartender right now and claim that you bla bla bla. So you don't have to it to your point, it's about your intuition. And you're giving people the skills to listen to their intuition first, and then choose what action makes the most sense in that scenario.

CJ SCARLET: 51:21

And there's, there's a period of time there's there's this progression that occurs with a predator. I mean, some some are some are opportunistic predators that will see you on the street and attack you in predator IQ and all that other stuff. But most of the time, the predator tries to groom you try to make an inappropriate joke to see how you respond. Your job is to fail. The Predator interview, the predator interview is where they try to find out whether you're going to be a good victim. And your whole purpose is to fail that interview at every point you can, and let them know that you would make a really crappy victim. So when they make an inappropriate joke, you're like, that's not cool. When they tried to put their hand on your arm and you're not comfortable with that, if they stand too close, you can say I'm not comfortable. Could you back up a little bit you have. Women are so bad about speaking up because we were socialized to make nice, I still struggle with this. I still struggle with setting a boundary like that because I don't want to make it the person uncomfortable. Risk those uncomfortable 30 seconds because it could save your life.

Nicoa Coach: 52:19

Tell the Dunkin Donuts Dunkin Donuts story. Dakota when you first made your claim, you said you're standing in line at a Dunkin Dunkin

CJ SCARLET: 52:28

Donuts story, the Dakota Do you remember that? Yes, I this was when I was probably three, four or five years old. And I've been in therapy for five years, I was standing at a Dunkin Donuts and a man came up behind me in line was just standing there. And then I could feel put his hand on my butt. And I froze like I always do. And then for the very first time in my life, I took a tiny step forward. And it was probably I'm gonna cry thinking about it. It was one of the most important steps I've ever taken in my life. Because it was the very first time I said no, to myself, I didn't say it out loud. But I said no, this isn't going to happen to me today. And I took action on my own behalf. There was it might as well have been 10 miles wide. And I breached it. I crossed it. Yeah. And it changed something in me that said, No, I don't ever have to tolerate that again. And ever since that day. In 1994 1995. Nobody has ever, ever ever attended any of these. I used to have inappropriate stuff happening all the time, because I was clearly a good victim. But never again.

Nicoa Coach: 53:35

Wow, good for you. You claimed it like my five I cleaned it.

CJ SCARLET: 53:39

We and it's an energy. Yeah, it is an energy. I was standing in line with my husband, Wes. And to get into a restaurant and a man came up behind us. I hadn't even seen his face. I hadn't seen I don't know what it was about him. And I said we need to leave. He said what's going on? I said we just need to leave now. And we left and I'll never know what it was that I was feeling. But my intuition was saying Get the hell out of here. There's something yes person standing behind you.

Nicoa Coach: 54:07

You know, I think the older I get and the more work I do and I'm sure this is relevant for you as well is I am a quick gauge of energy about people. And it's been difficult sometimes because I'll be like, I don't know, I don't know if I want to hang out with that person or something's telling me that that's really off. And you must be intentional about not only the energy you bring into the room, right? But the energy that you allow around you. Yep,

CJ SCARLET: 54:33

it works both ways. Just like we can read somebody when they walk in the room. Are they angry? Are they toxic? Are they you know, I don't know about you but from the time I was a little tiny toddler my survival depended on me being able to read while my father's mood when he walked in the room at the end of the day and so I can spot a perv I have perforate are like nobody's business. But it works both ways they can spawn our energy to the reason I was victimized so many times is that I was a very good dictum, I was never going to tell I was not going to resist. I thought there was the problem was me. And predators can breed that kind of energy, but they can also be the kind of energy that that puts off. Don't even try it. You're not to me today.

Nicoa Coach: 55:16

I when I walk to my car, if it's dark or whatever, I put my shoulders back in my head up and I walk like I've got a purpose and I am getting into that freaking car. And don't you dare think you're gonna touch me. Yeah,

CJ SCARLET: 55:29

I'm just gonna walk up to you. I'm sure you could go no, don't no, just No,

Nicoa Coach: 55:33

no. And I've made eye contact with people. I've spoken to them as I've walked past. And you know, did you watch the Barbie movie yet?

CJ SCARLET: 55:43

I was not expecting much when I went I loved that movie.

Nicoa Coach: 55:47

When she called Um, I mean, spoiler alert, if you haven't watched it yet, go watch it. But there is a scene where she goes into the quote unquote, real world. And she and can begin to have a different experience. And she says, Why do I have this uneasy feeling? And I'm not even sure what it is. Yeah. She's like, I'm like, feeling afraid.

CJ SCARLET: 56:09

Like, what if something alone all the time.

Nicoa Coach: 56:12

And I'm, you know, some people may be listening to this, and they go, Oh, God, here they go again, all these women. And all the men I've ever loved are probably like, yep, we know. We hear you. We hear we hear you. Nicoa.

CJ SCARLET: 56:27

But it's like this, you can't, you can't relate to what we're feeling without having experienced it yourself.

Nicoa Coach: 56:33

You really can't. And that's why people need to go get this book. Is there any? You know, what, what did you learn about yourself or the world? Maybe even when you were writing this book? What would you want to share with us that you were like, damn, I know. You know, when I learned that or learned about myself, it was so profound,

CJ SCARLET: 56:53

I learned that I was not living my what I was telling other people to live I had, I was not. How do I say this? The things I recommended in that book at the time I wrote that book. I was I did not have good boundaries. I was not I was listening to my intuition. I was still freezing. Now. That was in 2017. So that was six years ago. I have come a long way in six years since I wrote my other two books for parents of kids a long, long way. And I also have grandkids and I want to tell you something. Nothing makes you braver than having to protect somebody else. I might get in a situation where I freeze for myself, but if anybody touched my grandkids, threatened touch my grandkids looked at him funny. I would be all over them like white on rice. I mean, Oh, mama, mama, Gran bear, Grant grandmama their grandma would come out badass eviscerate that person.

Nicoa Coach: 57:49

You're badass grandma.

CJ SCARLET: 57:52

Book. Yeah, I'm badass Graham. I really, really am. I own that. But when I was writing that book, as I was writing it, I'm thinking, wow, this is great advice I should probably follow.

Nicoa Coach: 58:05

That's why you wrote it. That's

CJ SCARLET: 58:07

why you wrote I learned as I went, it's that we all do that we're making it up as we go. We're learning as we go, we're learning lessons is we try things out and fail and try again and fail and try again and succeed. And that's how it was with that book. I found myself and I found my power by writing that book, not because I didn't write the book because I had the power. I achieved the power because I wrote the book.

Nicoa Coach: 58:32

Give us some advice and tips for parents, because I want to reference the other books. So those books, it's a it's kind of an unusual time with the internet and phones and the research just came out that said, Do not give your kids phones until they're in high school. Yeah, just I regret that I did. I think that was a root of a lot of our stress and anxiety in our family. You know, so what what tips,

CJ SCARLET: 58:58

um, crime in general one on one in person, crime has gone down and safer now than it was since I was a kid in the 60s. But online, it is going up so bad, so fast that it's terrifying. I wrote badass parenting and heroic parenting for parents of kids zero to nine. Because I was writing for my son and daughter in law to protect my grandkids. And I wanted to protect other kids too. I'm just coming out with raising badass kids for tweens and parents of tweens and teens. And it contains almost the same information. But I add a chapter on sex trafficking to the book for the older. I wish when I rewrite that as funeral parents. I'll put that sex trafficking chapter in that one too. Because it's happened. Yeah, your kids. I know. It's just absolutely tragic. But these books are so empowering. Because parents don't realize how much power their children have to protect themselves and how much power the parent has to to encourage the child to protect themselves. I'm telling you to code if I had been told I could say no to adults and other kids. I can't imagine anything of the crappy things that happened to me happening. I didn't know I could say no. I thought I owed it to people to do what they wanted. No matter how bad it felt to me. That's sad. And a lot It is sad that way. And kids, you can't assume your child when some if somebody comes up to your child and turns attachment appropriately. You can't assume your child's going to automatically know what to say and do to get away you have to teach that and you don't have to scare the hell out of them. When you're doing it. There are easier ways to talk to your child with their age and maturity level. In a way, you know you'd be watching a movie, let's say Ariel, let's say Little Mermaid. And talk about the debatable wisdom of Ariel define her father and going off on land and to chase after some guys barely knows that she met one time. I mean, it's adorable in a movie. But in real life, that's that gives you a teachable moment to say, If that really happened, what would you do? And that the child Yeah, and they correct them a little bit to make sure they're on target. But you can use books. I mean, a lot of children's books are about scary things. They're endearing tales that we tell over and over and have for generations and generations. But they have these moral lessons in them that you can use, as examples to say, you know, should Goldilocks go into a stranger's house? What would you do?

Nicoa Coach: 1:01:26

And asking and helping them learn how to listen to their intuition?

CJ SCARLET: 1:01:30

The most important because it will it will not say is?

Nicoa Coach: 1:01:35

And how can we even do that more? I mean, I think, you know, when they're feeling bad, or having a meltdown, and getting them to identify their feelings, that would be a good start. You know, what was it that caused you to react when the ice cream? You know, after the ice cream fell? What did you make it mean? Yeah, right. Because they might have diapers

CJ SCARLET: 1:01:54

with body topcase. And so not just manhandling them to change your diaper. But saying, I'm going to change your diaper now. Right as they get older, saying, Remember, every once in a while, not all the time, but every once in awhile saying remember only mommy or daddy or the doctor if if they if he needs to, or she needs to conduct your privates, little, little seeds you can plant that will let your child know what their boundaries are.

Nicoa Coach: 1:02:20

And I hope that this will really translate when people are reading the next book that's coming out in November, because it is in that decade, you know, with all due respect to my sweet mama, that she kind of shut down on me on talking about being a teenager, like we were really good about body parts up until about I don't know, age 10. And then after that, that was like, nobody's talking to me. And I really want wanted my kids to learn how to be aware of their body aware of their hormones aware of their relationships, and really take agency for how they wanted to go through those experiences. From their point of view. First and foremost, you know,

CJ SCARLET: 1:02:57

tell two listeners what you do when your daughter started their period.

Nicoa Coach: 1:03:01

Oh, yeah, we celebrate. And I give. I hate to tell you this, but I give full credit to the Cosby Show. That did not age well, but the mom is who I'm giving it credit to. So what's her name? Play? Oh, it's Claire Huxtable. But I can't remember her real name. But I'm sorry. But at the end of the day, I learned as a very young child watching that show that she celebrated when her daughter had her first period with a Woman's Day. And I did this for my kids and on that, you know, not necessarily that day, but we tried to have like a lunch with grandma or another woman in our life. You know, some neighbors with you, like whoever to to say not only are you transitioning into womanhood, but we're going to celebrate that privilege that your body has to be able to create a freakin human being. And oh, by the way, here's a copy of Women's Day magazine, a bottle of pampering. And you know, some condoms. No.

CJ SCARLET: 1:04:04

Well, that's not a bad idea, actually. Because my never talked about sex. Okay. Full disclosure, I got pregnant at 15 because my parents had never talked about birth control about my body and how it works about boys bodies and how it works about how boys operate when they're trying to get some some of them. Yeah. And yes, my my, my oldest sister had had three abortions by the time she was 16. Oh, my second oldest sister got pregnant. 16 head up, had a baby at 17 I was pregnant at 18. And my parents were so disappointed in us. Their sister Susan, who remained a virgin till she was 18 went to the doctors before she left for college to go get on birth control. My mother found out about it through the grapevine and told her how disappointed in her she was. Oh, my cat. Well, we have to stop his death. The one daughter who's making a sound choice to protect herself is a disappointment.

Nicoa Coach: 1:04:55

Where are y'all Catholic? No, I don't understand.

CJ SCARLET: 1:05:01

They were you know, my mother tells me she's apologized for a million times. She was too embarrassed to have the talk with us. Yeah. And because she got all of her embarrassment and as a result of that, what said altogether five pregnancies.

Nicoa Coach: 1:05:16

Good Lord have mercy. And she was disappointed in those and disappointed in the birth control unit. There was no winning. Well, congratulations, Mama. You break in the fucking cycle.

CJ SCARLET: 1:05:28

I have broken the cycle.

Nicoa Coach: 1:05:31

Yes. And so have I and I am so proud of us. And I hope everybody listening. You know, I had a friend the other day who said, I don't know. I think my daughter might be having sex and blah, blah, blah. And she went on and on and on. And I finally said have you asked her ask her? And she said no. And I was like, what's the God say? Why are we pontificating? Or you know, wondering, I mean, my goodness gracious. I was like, promise me, you're gonna ask her and she was like, Okay,

CJ SCARLET: 1:05:56

I talked about this a little bit in this book, and raising badass. Okay, that'll come out on November 15. Little side, about how to have conversations with your kids, because oh my God, there's so important. Basically, you if you don't have these conversations with your kid, you're sending them into battle with no weapons, and no strategy if you arm them with information about their bodies, and how boys will pressure you to have sex. But you can still say no, it doesn't matter if you had six, five minutes ago, and he wants to have sex again. And you don't want to you can still say no, and how to extract yourself from a dangerous situation or an uncomfortable situation. And the thing about intuition is you may never know whether your intuition was right or not, if you act on it, it doesn't matter. That when I left that restaurant, that guy may have never intended to hurt me or do anything. But my energy was telling me to get away from him. And I listened to it and I got out of there. But I don't want to know what would have happened if I'd stayed. That's right. Yep. And that may mean literally being on a date. And finding out that you don't like this person, or you're uncomfortable with them, or they feel threatening and saying I need to use laser and then leaving and never coming back. Or exactly right. Their house, my sister went on a date and went to the guy's house. And, gosh, she wanted to leave and I said, Well, you should have told him that you had something in the car you had to get and just left. Yeah, hey, to be to.

Nicoa Coach: 1:07:20

It is okay to be rude. It's okay to be rude. It's okay to be rude. And

CJ SCARLET: 1:07:24

we need to change what Brut means because that's not really rude. That is smart. That is savvy. That's right. It's not,

Nicoa Coach: 1:07:31

it's okay to be a bit afraid that you may be perceived as rude. There you go. That's it. That's what we're trying to say here. And we can sit down this. Yeah, it's okay to be. It's okay. What did I say?

CJ SCARLET: 1:07:48

It's okay to be perceived.

Nicoa Coach: 1:07:51

As rude. it with your actions. That's exactly right. Because at the end of the day, people, they're all going to have their opinions about you. Your, your kids are going to have opinions about you, your boss. And if you can trust in your own truth and your own needs. This is the work you need to go do. And if you can't do it with by yourself, get the books, go to the counselor, get the coach, Coach, talk about it, be transparent, be authentic, he wrote okay to be you.

CJ SCARLET: 1:08:23

Share, let's write the risk of being vulnerable and saying, This is my this is what happened to me or this is what I'm afraid will happen to me or I'm in a violent situation. Finally, relationship, take the risk, be vulnerable and share it with somebody that you trust. Make sure you trust that person. One of the greatest exercises I teach parents to go with their kids is a trust exercise. You draw circle with the child in the middle as a person they most trust hopefully. And then a larger circle for hopefully both parents and maybe grandma, aunt Sookie uncle so and so brother or whatever. And then you haven't drawn larger circle for acquaintances, and people in their life school, you know, school chumps, and stuff like that. And then you ask them to put people outside the circle, who belongs outside the trust circle. It is one of the most telling things you will ever do. Because that's your cue to say, why don't you feel comfortable with that person? Ah, and that creates a conversation about with your child gives him an opportunity to open up and say, well, he tickles me though too much not like it, or he wrestles with me your whatever, and that you're a step in and intervene on behalf of your child, but also at the same time to teach your child what they could do in those situations with those people in

Nicoa Coach: 1:09:39

and they should start doing that activity when they're very, very, very young. Yes. Yes. Hmm. And I think about us trying to make people hug uncle friend or whoever know if it's all the uncle Fred's, but

CJ SCARLET: 1:09:51

I never make that grandkids hug me. And there's only one time my granddaughter refused. And I was like, oh, but it's like, that's cool. That's totally cool. My grandma chased her around the house to kiss him on the forehead. He's, he's laughing the whole time. And I always get him. He's always like,

Nicoa Coach: 1:10:09

oh, sweet boy. I remember once wanting to hit Campbell on the button. She said, Stop. Do not do that. And I was like, I am so sorry. But that boat was so cute and all those years. It was my but I made that but and she's like, No, as a yes ma'am. I apologize. And she's like, Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. I was like, okay for her job. I was. I was so proud and disappointed simultaneously.

CJ SCARLET: 1:10:38

People are starting to get the me to movement has helped my books help these conversations help these podcasts help people to just a lot of what's going on. It will continue to go Long if we don't give it some air if we don't create some space around it and expose it to the sunlight, and say, let's look at the facts of this, let's look at the truth of this. You don't have to live a life where you're people pleasing, or you're making nice and to the point that you're uncomfortable or getting abuse, you don't have to do that. You don't owe it to anybody to do that.

Nicoa Coach: 1:11:08

That's right. Ah, we need to wrap it put a bow on it. How would you define the benefits of your life by design? Now, what do you want to celebrate about your life by design?

CJ SCARLET: 1:11:22

In my wildest dreams, I never, ever thought I would be as happy as I am. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would feel this healthy. You know, after being sick for so many years, or that I would have these three amazing grandchildren who and I tell you grandparenting is so much cooler than I I'm not doing I'm not getting their homework done helping them get their homework done, or dressing them or feeding them or getting the bed or whatever. It's always doing doing doing. As a grandparent, you're being with them. You see them as their own unique little creatures. And you are just with them, and experiencing them as and not trying to dictate who they are and what they have to do. It's amazing. And I just didn't know what it was going to be like, when I signed on to have kids myself. Oh, so my life by design is it's so exciting to co I'm 62 years old now. And I feel 33. And I look forward to the future so much. I mean, I know we have a lot in this world. It's really scary. And I'm a news junkie. So I know all the scary stuff that goes on. But every point in my life, I have a choice about how I react, how I respond, not react but respond. And every single point no matter what that point is, I can say this is what I choose for myself. Not in a selfish way, but in a self full way. There's a big difference between selfishness where you're doing something for your own interest without regard for others. And self fullness is where you're saying I'm as worthy as others of my love and attention is and in grace.

Nicoa Coach: 1:12:55

Yes, self fullness. And self fullness is fostered by self care, which can look like a boundary or self attention self dialog. And I always say that my friends is strategic. And you have to get out ahead of it in a life by design just like you are role modeling CJ, that you have to set forth what you want and learn what your body and your soul needs in order to. That's right, listening to that intuition. Self whatever

CJ SCARLET: 1:13:30

you got to do, you got to hear that voice because your body your intuition will not steer you wrong.

Nicoa Coach: 1:13:37

And on that note, I thank you for having coffee with me. I love you and love you. And after your book comes out, maybe we'll talk again I would love

CJ SCARLET: 1:13:47

that. Thank you so much. Nicoa Okay,

Nicoa Coach: 1:13:50

I'll talk to you soon my friend love you love you

CJ SCARLET: 1:13:56

Good timing guys. You stay cool thing I've got three dogs around my feet now I just started barking.

Nicoa Coach: 1:14:02

Oh my god it is it says it stopping but I think we're still recording a little bit.

Jennifer Gardner: 1:14:10

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicoa for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow Coffee with Nicoa and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N I CoA. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then