Espresso Shot 19: Engaged Detachment

Are you tired of always carrying everyone else's "STUFF"? (heads up I don't say stuff in this episode! LOL)  What if you had a practice or skill to learn to be present and not "take on" the burden of other's emotional challenges and or obligations? Listen in to understand the concept of Engaged Detachment and reflect on how that might be showing up in YOUR Life By Design! Start OBSERVING yourself and notice if YOU need to create a conscious practice so your interactions with others serves YOU and OTHERS in a healthy, boundary based way.

Check out this great definition of Engaged Detachment from the Ascension Glossary!

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:02

sometimes don't you just need a quick moment of inspiration? Or maybe you just need a moment of caffeinated contemplation to reflect on life. That's the idea behind my weekly coffee with Nicoa espresso shots. I'll be sharing short jolts of inspiration in each clip. In addition to my longer Coffee with Nicoa interview episodes, make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot, or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you. Hey, everybody, it's time for an espresso shot. Coffee with Nicoa coming to you from the banks at Whiskey Creek. Today, I want to talk about the concept called engaged detachment. Do you ever find yourself carrying everybody's crap? Including your own, such as the guy down the hall that you work with? Who happens to have some responsibility for helping you with your project? Carrying not only your area of responsibility, but carrying his as well? And oh, by the way, do you still carry your husband or your wife's expectations around some project where you know they need to do three things. So you're constantly thinking about it, you might even want to nag them to make sure they don't forget? And do you carry all of your children's responsibilities? Believe me, that would be quite tricky. If I did that all the time, I have six kids. I couldn't do that if I even if I wanted to. So I have learned a skill over the years I learned this not only as an individual, but I've as a mother and as a partner. But I've had to really practice it because of my career in human resources, where I could not hold every body's shit. If I did, I would burn out. And although sometimes I forgot, I did foster what I call engaged detachment. So what is engaged detachment. Engaged detachment is the ability to be fully present and fully engaged with someone while remaining emotionally detached and not absorbing their emotional baggage or picking up their responsibilities. It's a skill you guys. And it involves being able to provide support compassion, empathy, without taking on the other person's emotions or problems or being responsible for what they need to be responsible for. So let's give you an example. Maybe at work, engaged attachment can show up as active listening, acknowledging, validating a colleague's feelings, and you may be even offering support, but you're not becoming emotionally invested in whatever issue they're bringing to the table. They may bring drama to the table or frustration, but you're listening for the facts, you're validating them. But you're keeping a boundary. So if a co worker is struggling with a difficult project, you could offer your assistance and support while remaining focused on your own responsibilities and not allowing their stress or anxiety to impact your work. How do you do that, you've literally have to practice thinking about what matters most to you first, and then showing them that compassion, and at the same time keeping them at arm's length. Hmm, that's really a key for me, keeping the other person at arm's length or their shit, their stuff. Maybe at home, it's a little different. Engaged. Detachment can show up in relationships with family or friends by being able to provide that emotional support and understanding without taking on the burden. So have you ever avoided a phone call? You know, negative, Ned, your uncle negative Ned is calling and you're like, I'm not picking that up. Because sometimes that emotion and that energy is just too much. And you may have a challenge not trying to solve it, fix it, help him totally create responsibility with that with negative Ned, and taking it on for yourself. And because you don't know how to do that quite yet you avoid the phone call. Well, what if I told you, you can listen and not do anything? If you have a challenge with that I want you to keep observing yourself and saying, Wow, what would it feel like to just listen and allow the other person to share the tough time they're going through, you can listen to them and offer comfort, while also recognizing that their emotions are their own, and they are not yours to carry. On a side note, this is really difficult for me many, many, many, many examples, not only with my partner but with my children, where I have a tendency to want to fix it. So I practice a lot of engaged detachment, learning how to simply create a safe space to listen and hear how they're feeling. One tip might be to ask them, Do you need me to just listen? Or do you want me to help you co create a solution? One, do you want me to solve it? Are you asking me to do something with this information? Now, here's another tip. And I highlight this during the at home examples, because you may not have the emotional capacity to listen sometimes. And that gives you an opportunity to say, I understand you're going through a really hard time around that. But I just don't have the capacity right this second, to listen and think about that. Do you think we could talk about it later? Could we talk about something different right now, engaged detachment can enable much healthier boundaries, you get to speak your truth and share your voice while at the same time giving that love and compassion and support to the people around you either at work or at home. And it's much more satisfying sense of well being that results because it allows you to be present and supportive, without becoming overwhelmed or drained by others emotions. Being able to set those healthy boundaries, you can maintain your own emotional resilience and avoid burnout. Additionally, engaged attachment can help prevent codependency and relationships, which can be detrimental to both parties. In order to really practice it, though, it's just so so important to be self aware. Start asking yourself quiet questions like what do I need to do in this moment? Am I over responding when I'm not even being asked to? What would it feel like to just sit and listen, it's really important to have those effective communication skills. But you've got to start with a dialogue with yourself. That's how I had to learn it. And I also tapped into how I felt in my body. And I'm still working on this. Now. There are times where someone in my family brings forth an issue that I can see a solution to but they need to take the time to work through it themselves to get there and I can get super frustrated. And the one one way I know that I am out of line and out of coherence. And not it practicing engaged detachment is that my body gets really tense and anxious. So somatically you can tap in and ask is my body telling me that the path I'm going down is not serving me? Overall, engaged detachment is a really valuable skill for maintaining healthy relationships and your emotional well being. So take this topic, apply it this week and really observe yourself. That's your espresso shot. Talk to you guys soon. Thanks for subscribing to Coffee with Nicoa may make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you!