S1 Ep21 TRISHA BOWKER

Doing "the work" is hard! And talking about doing the work can be hard, too! And yet when it works, it works and that's exactly the takeaway today with one of Nicoa's clients TRISHA BOWKER as she shares her own struggles, cynicism and eureka "aha" moments that are getting her slowly but surely embedded in her ideal LIFE BY DESIGN! Listen in and realize, you're not alone but YOU CAN DO IT!!

Follow Trisha's Life By Design journey on HER INSTAGRAM @MIDLIFEBYDESIGN

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Welcome, welcome Trisha Volker, you are my client, you are my my compatriot when it comes to a life by design, you are my friend. And I am so honored that you said yes to sitting on this coffee with Nicoa with me, because we're about to go vulnerable and talk all about our lives by design and what that really feels like, right?

Trisha: 0:45

Yeah, it's something

Nicoa Coach: 0:48

it's, well, to kick things off, I don't really have like a bio for you, or an overview that I pulled together. So I thought maybe it would be a good starting point for you to simply share how you found out about me, we have a common connection, and why you chose to reach out for coaching.

Trisha: 1:10

Great. Um, so yeah, I found out about you through a family member who actually lived near you and leaned on you as a resource when she was going through a very difficult time. And I guess we probably met a year, maybe two years, COVID throws off the whole timeline of things. But we met and then it was a while before I reached out and was like, hey, I really could use some help and talk to me about coaching. And I think

Nicoa Coach: 1:38

we were drinking together. And I it took me a second to remember. And then you're like, by the way, I know you're a coach, and I need you.

Trisha: 1:47

Yeah, pretty much. That's how it went. So yeah, I was just at a point where I had done a lot of work on my own and self reflection and trying to, you know, do mindset work and self healing. That's a really great movement. I think that's happened in the mental health space in the last several years. Thank goodness for social media, and amazing people that post their content there for resources. Yeah, and I had done so much of that. So I felt like I had tons of tools. But I was also totally overwhelmed and just had some major blockages on how to actually move forward. So I've done lots of research, but not any action. And I really didn't know where to get the action piece started. So yeah, I was first coach.

Nicoa Coach: 2:39

Well, and of course, and everybody needs help, we can't do this, this thing called life alone. So I want to commend you for reaching out, you know, whether it's counselor or coach, or even a really supportive friend or family member. But let's back up for a minute. How was it like to be you at that point, like, you've done some research, and we're trying to figure this thing called life out, but what did it feel like to be you? Right, it

Trisha: 3:05

was very close to one of the lowest points I'd ever been in, by the time I reached out to you, because I'd been through, you know, this wasn't my first rodeo was struggling. And so I was like, Alright, I can do this, you know, I'm smarter than I've ever been, I've got all this life experience behind me, I'm 40 something. And to then still feel stuck, was really hard. I didn't, I didn't want to be me anymore. And that's a really bad place to be. And I knew it wasn't, that shouldn't be real. Like, there was enough self awareness to know, like, this isn't how I should feel, I know I can feel better, I know, I can be better. I just, I need some outside input. I need someone who's trained and how to extract that better part of me out.

Nicoa Coach: 3:58

Right, and, and a lot of people feel that way. And they get into that space. And sometimes that can be so debilitating, that they do need to get some counseling support and some mental health support,

Trisha: 4:09

especially if it's not the first time you think okay, you know, I did I have gone through, like, proper counseling before in my late 20s, early 30s. And, you know, that was amazing. It saved my life. And so to be back at that point where I was just like, I can't, I can't have, you know, ended up back at square one. And I wasn't at square one. I wasn't back there. I was just struggling again. And it was like okay, there's a better way I know there is but I don't have to do this alone. And that's so key.

Nicoa Coach: 4:44

I think you're hitting it on the nail too, because you'd already gone through some support that helped you identify the past and what was driving your emotional state. And yet coping mechanisms were really what you needed to tap back into and it's like, how do I get started? Did again how do I go to those coping mechanisms? What's the tools in my toolkit? Because it does take responsibility to move forward. And that is annoying and overwhelming. And it's been hard. It's, it's liberating. Yeah, it is work, it is work.

Trisha: 5:18

And I think the great thing about going the coaching route, which is why I was interested in it is, when I did counseling, I learned lots of those coping mechanisms. And they were wonderful. And I was using them still to this day. And they're great for exactly that coping and managing. But I was at a point where I'm like, I don't want to keep this same loop. And granted, this loop took a lot longer to come back around to but I was like, I don't want to do this every two to five years. I need to figure out how to like actually move past it. And so that's why I was like, I think coaching is really a route for me to explore at this point, because I needed to action.

Nicoa Coach: 6:03

You're moving away from surviving to thriving. And that's really what we started doing. What the number one question I always ask my clients is, what is it that you want? Right? What was it that you wanted to be experiencing differently? When we started down that path?

Trisha: 6:22

I think one of the biggest things was I just didn't want to feel so bad. And then I knew I wanted this like some version of financial freedom. And even that has changed since I started with you. I've done so much sort of reorganization in my mind of how what that really means and what that looks like. Yeah, I think those How did

Nicoa Coach: 6:45

you start defining that future? When you were stuck? What was it that that you feel like? At what point? Did you start taking the walk and doing the exercise? Because that's what we

Trisha: 6:58

were like? Yeah, so it was that was the frustrating part is like, in my mind, I knew all the things I needed to do or that I should do. I'm like, oh, you know what, if I went outside, I'd feel better. Oh, if I went and exercised, even though I hate it, I'm gonna feel better in the end. But yeah, actually, like getting my butt up and doing anything was, it was like the worst forms of self sabotage I've ever experienced. It was so much resistance. Yeah. And that was also just a very strange place to be to be so conscious of my own self sabotage. I'm like, so what is this about?

Nicoa Coach: 7:33

Yes?

Trisha: 7:34

How do I even like fight myself on that anymore? Like, what is happening? Yeah, that is a scary monster to really face and dig deep into, like, what did you do it? I'm still doing it. You know, like, mindset has been a little easier for me to manage. Because I'm very much in my head. I'm still definitely fighting myself to get my butt up and actually, like, make myself sweat physically. That's, I don't know. I'm feeling like maybe there's some really deep seated resentment from when I was younger, and I was a year round swimmer. And it was always like, imposed on me, you know, like, you've got to train, you've got to do this. And I'm like, No, I don't, I never have to get dirty again. So there's some of that going on.

Nicoa Coach: 8:22

That's the dialogue you have to have with yourself. So you really, when you said I'm in my head a lot. It's about how do we get from our head and kind of integrate that with our heart and what really matters most to us and what we really want. And I always come back to those questions. And you said, you, you were, you're like, Nicoa These questions? What do I want? How's what I'm doing? Get me what I want every day, every day, if I'm not getting what I want. Am I willing to try a different way? And if I'm not willing, am I okay, too? Can I accept what is without judgment, which by the way, is a different way. So you literally practice that, right?

Trisha: 9:00

I that has been what got me through like the worst episodes of self sabotage in the last several months. And I got I love that tool. You know, you go so let's just use the whole exercise thing because I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my life. So it's a very big deal for me. And it's like, okay, if I just do 15 minutes, like let's start small, just do 15 minutes a day. Everybody can do 15 minutes day doesn't have to be high impact. Do you think I've done 15 minutes a day every day? No, I have not. And it'll be a week's end. And I'm like, Oh my God, you're such a fat slob. Oh, you're so lazy. You're viewing us to hear like the self talk is horrible. I'm like, if somebody else said that to me, I would probably punch them in the face. And yet I say that stuff to myself all the time. I'm like, Okay, well, we need to stop that number one because you're supposed to be your own best friend. And then number two is like okay, well, you weren't willing to do what you know you need to do to change and get to the point that you think you want to be. So do you really want to be? Huh? Well, yes, I do because I'd like to, like not be afraid to go to the beach.

Nicoa Coach: 10:11

Well, that in and of itself, you know, if we were in a coaching

Trisha: 10:14

judgment call lake right, I know cut the layers, the layers,

Nicoa Coach: 10:18

the layers, we will be digging deep on that one. I'll be like, so what do you make it mean? Right when there's like

Trisha: 10:25

decades of material for you here?

Nicoa Coach: 10:29

We're gonna be coaching together forever. I love it.

Trisha: 10:32

So yeah, it's, that has been a lot slower process and I have found myself doing like, Okay, well, what if I just stretched today? It's not really a workout. So I'm not forcing myself to work out. But I'm still moving my body and you start stretching, you realize like, you can barely sit Indian style and touch the floor anymore. You're like, maybe I do. Maybe I am going to be a little more like, inclined to do some exercise. So yeah, I think I'm getting there on that. Maybe like in another month, I'll actually be like, physically sweating a little bit once a week. Well, at the end

Nicoa Coach: 11:08

of the day, you told me what your why was. So you tell me now what reminding yourself were related to health and well being? You have to come to the why I think Simon Sinek talks a lot about finding your why. Well, we don't just find our y in life, we have to find our Y for any behavior we're trying to change as well. So what is your y around your health and well being?

Trisha: 11:32

My why is that I want to be able to do all of the things that look like fun to me. And that I know I used to enjoy doing I mean I used to bodyboard and not really surf surf, but I would be out there in the waves, you know, up until I was like 38 years old. That's really a lot of people will be like, Oh my God, there's a 30 or a woman out there. bodyboarding like, Yup, I was it was great. Yeah. And I don't even feel like I could do that anymore. Not just because I'm self conscious of putting on a swimsuit, but because I'm like, I'm not strong enough to handle those waves anymore. Like I could, when I was still had some basic fitness, I don't really want to drown, that's all. So I think my y really comes down to as much as I want to look better, I really want to feel better, and I want to have the energy to be more active again.

Nicoa Coach: 12:29

And when you sit in that story, that story isn't motivational to you.

Trisha: 12:36

It's, I'm still fighting that one because it is but somehow my little gremlin brain is still going yeah, you ruined that for yourself. And I'm like, this is a constant battle for me. So yeah. So um, then I'm like, okay, yes, it's not, it's gonna be hard to get started harder than it's ever been. Because I'm in a worse physical shape than I've ever been. But

Nicoa Coach: 13:04

so notice that story, it's going to be hard. It's going to be harder than it's ever been. Yeah, I'm in the worst shape I've ever been. So every time you tell that story, you're manifesting more of that.

Trisha: 13:16

Right? That's right. And like more of that whole mindset shift of like, can I say those things and then say that it's all the more important to get started now. Because I'm also like, this painful realist. And I'm like, but that is the truth. So I can I say it that way. Yeah, maybe. But too, I don't know that.

Nicoa Coach: 13:39

We talked about that. Because at some point, when we get stuck on what it is, we actually aren't creating what can be. So what would be a new thing to say? Because it makes so much sense. I mean, naturally, you're going to feel that way. If you're not in the same shape. You used to be in anybody who would be feeling like it's hard, and oh, my God, it's not like it used to be, because it's different. So, but what might a news not be?

Trisha: 14:03

So? Yeah, that's a good way I need to rephrase that. So one of the things that I found inspiring is there's another person on social media that I came across, and her screen name is like Polly wants, and she started, she was, you know, out of shape too. And she started just doing 10 Push Ups a day. And that was like her very first post. And I'm thinking it's over a year now that she's been doing this. And she's in phenomenal shape now. And she literally just started with 10 pushups a day, and she could barely do all 10 I'm like, Yeah, I could do five I'd be impressed right now real ones, like not knees down push ups. So it was kind of like, alright, this person did it. And you know, like, she had to fight for it. So that was kind of spin sitting there brewing in my brain of like, Hmm, I could I could do that too. Like it's okay to start when you're like chubby Oh, hey, by the way, it's okay to go out there and like, run, even if all of you is jiggling up and down the street, like do it anyway.

Nicoa Coach: 15:12

So what's the benefit of you starting? And giving yourself that permission?

Trisha: 15:18

I think starting is going to be one of my biggest accomplishments, because it's been such a challenge just to get that first step.

Nicoa Coach: 15:26

And how would you celebrate that first step, after doing two push ups today?

Trisha: 15:32

I guess I can't really celebrate with the ice cream. So I'd have to say

Nicoa Coach: 15:41

whatever you want, because

Trisha: 15:43

I think I just like, you know, revel in the pride I would have in myself for for stepping beyond that Gremlin in my brain, and then the fear of like, what if I can't actually run a mile? Like, if that's what I decide, I'm gonna go and do a one mile jog? The Fear Factor of like, what if I can't even do that?

Nicoa Coach: 16:05

Right, those kinds of things. So

Trisha: 16:09

then my starting point is different than what I thought it was. Okay. But you have to start where you are, or not at all

Nicoa Coach: 16:17

advice? Well, yeah, or except where you are without judgment, except where you are without judgment. So this is the type of dialogue we've had back and forth, up and down all around and you have made movements or do you have gone outside during lunch, you have walked the dog where you weren't walking the dog, tell us some more of the achievements you've had in the last four months, since we started working together, that you feel like you weren't that weren't even accessible to you before we started.

Trisha: 16:50

So yeah, I think some of the, like, my favorite ones, were just these very organic moments where I would get off work. Typically, I would go pour glass of wine, or make coffee, which is terrible thing to do at five o'clock in the afternoon. And sit on the couch. I've already been sitting all day, and I would go sit on a couch or I would turn on the TV or I would get online and be like researching other things. Because I needed to know more facts and information to change my life. And I think probably two months into our coaching work. I got off work. And I'm like, God, it's gorgeous. Outside, I just walk around my neighborhood. And I'm like, halfway in my welcome like, oh my god, oh my god, it's happening. Like by design is happening. I'm actually doing it not thinking about it. Like, oh, I'm doing it. I'm doing I'm doing it. Like I am sure anyone that saw me because I literally like paused in my walk. And I was like, oh, yeah, sure.

Nicoa Coach: 17:50

Oh, my God. So much.

Trisha: 17:53

I'm like, such a simple thing. I'm walking my neighborhood. I don't even think I walked the whole mile. But I was so excited. I was like, Oh my God, that just happened without me like making it a thing. That's right.

Nicoa Coach: 18:05

And it's something to celebrate every step of the way, like literally look for what is working. And part of the challenge that I noticed with you as well as with a lot of my clients is that we spend so much time focused on what's not working, the isness that we dislike that we forget to notice when we actually are shifting our life into the vision and version that we wanted to create. So did you even go through that vision boarding exercise, which I think you and Sarah did? You did? Yeah, about that a little bit.

Trisha: 18:39

That was really fun. Actually, I think it's something I should probably do like every three months, just because I'm still sort of evolving what I I'm going through a lot of redefining as I get more into this process of what I what I thought I wanted what I thought looked great. All these different lifestyle things that are out there right now. And then you're like, ooh, this really isn't as fantastic as I thought. But um, Vision boarding was great. I think it's important to do it, like actually with magazines or drawings or photos, whatever that you can get your hands on, versus just doing it virtually or on Pinterest. Because the organic nature of actually cutting things up and reading things and doing it with someone was great. We sat there and like would go through stuff. You know, look at one exam, like who lives in this house? Nobody. Nobody lives in this house. Like I live in my spaces. It will never look like that house. Like there's a dog there, but I bet it's a CGI dog. There's not a hair out of place anywhere. And so stuff like that where I'm like, Yeah, that's not real.

Nicoa Coach: 19:41

Well, what kind of things were you putting into your vision board and so just for our audience, people listening when you talk about a vision board and exercise the ultimate goal here is to create imagery by flipping through magazines, drawing with pins or crayons or whatever images Have a lifestyle that you crave or want more of in your current life. And it could just be an outfit like someone's outfit or colors or flowers or a table with people are eating together. Something that's creating that feeling and that version of your life that you don't need a vacation from or that you only vacation in. Or that doesn't keep you stuck on the sofa at the end of the day. So, tell us a little bit about what you uncovered in your vision board. You haven't sent me the picture yet? Oh, gosh, I

Trisha: 20:30

thought I did. So yeah, mine had a lot of outdoor spaces. A lot of gardens. I had greenhouses. I have always wanted a greenhouse. Oh my god. It had pictures of travel. That's more sort of hate to say adventure. I guess it's more like outdoors travel, not like luxury travel. A lot. Not a lot of people still a lot of people person. I'm just not in large quantities. And then what else did I Oh, I had money stuff. There's a lot about finances. That's a big focus for me right now. Because I am well employed. But I still am like struggling to catch up on the long term savings and financial planning and financial education. There's a huge gap in my knowledge space on that sort of thing. So that was a big deal for me, so that I'm not constantly worried about money and

Nicoa Coach: 21:28

so that financial freedom is a big part of that vision and feeling unburdened by money. So just how what did you What did you uncover about yourself in the process of doing the vision board?

Trisha: 22:31

Um, I have a long way to go. But it's not as insurmountable as it seemed four months ago, like everything that I put on there. I was like, Yeah, this is a vision board. So it's kind of like what you dream of, but I was like, there's nothing in here. That's not attainable.

Nicoa Coach: 22:49

Right? And a lot of it you just posted and I want to share and I hope you'll talk a little bit about it, that you started an Instagram account called Mind, weight, no midlife by design, and that you were posting about the flowers in your yard this morning or yesterday. So you already are surrounded by a lot of probably what's on that vision board?

Trisha: 23:11

Yeah. Yeah, a lot of it is stuff that has been major elements in my life or in my like family at large and my upbringing and stuff. So the good parts of it all, I still want to keep clearly so

Nicoa Coach: 23:26

of course and foster more of talk to us about why you started the Instagram account as a result of this coaching.

Trisha: 23:33

Oh my gosh, so that has gone through multiple iterations in my headspace already. So originally, when I started this stuff, the online space, I wanted to get into affiliate marketing, which is the big hot thing, everybody gets sent. Oh my god, I made $100,000 This week, okay, that's really rare. Yes, it can happen. It's not a scam. I've invested quite a bit of money in learning, affiliate marketing and different AI type programs. But the more I got into actually doing the marketing side of it, and I was like, Oh, this feels kind of slimy to me, like, I don't want to promote other people's products. And it's not a pyramid scheme, because you actually are selling products. And I don't know, it's not. I know, it can be highly lucrative, but I've got some big internal issues with it. And I was like, well, that's not exactly what I wanted on midlife by design, I may still do affiliate marketing, but I don't think it's going to be in that space. What I want my midlife by design space to be is really my journey, I guess, and trying to create a community space, which I know there's a lot of those out there already. But I think you know, everyone's is unique. And it's great to be part of multiple, I mean, I'm now following other people that are doing similar things. And so that's what I'm doing with it and just sort of like sharing my process and hopefully my progress as well. Like, hopefully, your account looks really different than it does right now. But I

Nicoa Coach: 25:24

think that you've done a great job. I mean, that's why we're having the conversation too, because you're you showing your journey for those people listening. It's gonna make it feel a lot more attainable for them. They're gonna resonate with where you are, they're gonna be like, Yeah, I'm still having the conversation about my bikini body and my exercise routine and, you know, ultimately, any of us And that's why I do the podcast, any of us talking about our humanity, it makes it common and a connection with the rest of humanity. So, yeah, so let's keep telling them about this. Let's talk more about Oh, tell me more about this concept of financial freedom and, and why you are wanting to make a life change right now was where you were three months ago, in frustration of your of your career, or tell us a little bit more about that. Yeah, tipping point. So yeah,

Trisha: 26:24

I was, I think I blamed my work for a lot of the unhappiness I had, and it really isn't responsible for all of it. But it's a very easy point to use. So I have a very, I have a corporate job, I have to work a minimum of eight hours a day, sometimes more, and I work from home remotely. So I never go into an office, there's not even an office for me to go to if I wanted to. So a lot of my struggle has been in the fact that I spend way too much time alone, I have a cat and a part time dog that I share custody with. So that's the extent of my interactions most days with other life things. That was really, I think, the root of it. And so in my mind, I needed to break out of corporate life so that I could have a, you know, more interaction with people. And I'm like, Yeah, I don't like most people, either. So what am I really talking about here? Like, my I'm, and I never used to be that way. And it was like, Maybe I'm just really irritable, because I'm not out as much as I used to be. And so now all the little stuff bothers me. And I'm like, wow, my tolerance for just basic life has gone down the tubes. So yes, I still want financial freedom, it is still something at my very core that is hard to do most days where I, I give the best hours of my day to somebody else. Because in my mind, there's a ton of other things I'd like to be doing. And then when I actually am not working, do I do all those things? No. There is an interesting point. Yeah, there's, there's been so much I've caught myself on I'm like, Oh, you're Trisha.

Nicoa Coach: 28:13

And that's because we poke holes into every story. And we even and leveraging the energy leadership work as well. I mean, that is what you recognize when we first did your energy leadership assessment. You were like, holy moly, look how catabolic I am. Look, I am completely stuck in this level.

Trisha: 28:30

It was not surprised that I was that low. I was like fit, she's gonna be like, um, do we need to put you somewhere if when she was sure of it, I was like, things are gonna be bad. I know. I was a happy person at all at that point.

Nicoa Coach: 28:45

And that's normal, because you had begun to sit in a story. And it is about the story you tell. So you are filtering your world by feeling victim and you just keep looking at that language, right? So you even just said, I'm giving the best hours of my day away to this company. And that is a complete level to catabolic response,

Trisha: 29:07

right total victimization, it's like, okay, but this company's compensating me, your company is compensating you to anyone else out there that is working in a job that they do not own their own company in. And that's the trade off that you agreed to agree to very easy to feel like Yeah, but what else am I going to do? I'm stuck, it has never been easier than it is today to earn alternative streams of income. There are so many ways out there, especially online right now. So it is up to us if we want to change that. And for me, it was shifting that whole mentality to say, Okay, well, what if my job is just my Launchpad? What if my job is what allows me to pay for everything I need to pay for? And then I can also still set up these other possible income streams that I want to have like, but I gotta go learn those. Well, you wasn't born with the Internet. So it's kind of a steep learning curve.

Nicoa Coach: 30:18

Well, that is true. And but you've done an excellent job of educating yourself. And I would argue that your education doesn't even need to be as extensive as you might think it does. Because I think that might be part of your own stuckness Is that Well, I don't know enough. So I can't just go do it. But you do you know, so much.

Trisha: 30:38

It's so easy to get stuck in the preparation phase, right? And there's all kinds of things that keep you there like one fear, to self doubt three You've already tired yourself out, just thinking about all the work that you're gonna do after you put all this stuff into action, like all of that is so easy to get overwhelmed, and stuck in your preparation phase. So, yeah, so

Nicoa Coach: 31:03

enthusiastic when you are looking into so I loved the energy shifts that I saw when we did redefine work for you, you your new story was, this job is enabling my parallel path of creating a new reality for myself. And so I'm grateful. And every piece of the day you became so much more mindful with the obligations, you no longer judge them from that catabolic or level one level two, negative energy. So and when you got into that research, man, I saw some excitement and enthusiasm that I've never known with my my friend, Tricia.

Trisha: 31:43

Yeah, no. I mean, there's when you are able to get into really research alternative paths. And you start seeing the potential that's out there. It's easy to get excited. When we started. I did not have any alternative paths. I knew there were people out there making tons of money, but they weren't me. And how could I do that too? Like this is all foreign to me. I don't know how to use social media very well. Like I'm not Tik Tok generation. I frickin hate Tik Tok. But anyway, like all those things. I'm like, I don't how am I even it was so insurmountable when I started and I was just because that fit the narrative of being stuck in corporate life.

Nicoa Coach: 32:28

Ah, same circus, different tint my frame.

Trisha: 32:32

All of all of my perspectives on those alternatives had to be negative in order for me to keep my story in my reality of I was stuck in this corporate life. And that was what was ruining me and making me unhealthy and miserable, and lonely and sad and all those things when it's like, no, not really,

Nicoa Coach: 32:53

not really well. This is a good place for us to take a quick coffee break. And then when we come back, I want you to tell everyone why it's not really.

Unknown: 33:04

We hope you're enjoying listening to this episode of Coffee with Nicoa. Make sure to subscribe so that you never miss an episode and follow Coffee with Nicoa on Instagram to find inspiring content that will help you begin creating your life by design.

Nicoa Coach: 33:19

Okay, Trisha, now's the time to take that excellent self observation, that self reflection, that new awareness that you've gained over the last four or five months that we've been partnering together, and your commitment to a mid life by design. Tell us why you don't have to be victim and that you can take and be liberated in creating a new life by design.

Trisha: 33:43

So midlife by design is way better than midlife crisis. So there's reason number one, I don't care how old you are like those are your options, midlife crisis, midlife by design life crisis life by design, like come on. That shouldn't be hard choice. But yeah, the reason not really. It, like no one else can save you. No one else ever. I mean, you can have all the support in the world. And if you've ever dated someone who needed saving, I guarantee you know exactly how what that means from being on the other side of it. But the it just came down to him like I had, I've gotten help with a coach. I've been through counseling before I have read all of the you know, every great new book that's out there on the market, I follow everybody that I'm like, Okay. There's only one person left that has the power to do anything. And that is a pill to swallow though. Because when you are stuck in a low state, it's it becomes a comfort zone and you have to break a comfort zone. You have to take action that you haven't taken before. You're probably going to have to learn something new which is harder and harder the older you get. That's a whole new weird thing that I'm coming across. Mike, why is it so hard? I was really good in school like super nerd. Why is this hard? Yeah, it gets harder as you get older. All of those kinds of things. So you're talking about many, many, many pieces of breaking molds and taking big steps and like dealing with fear on all every step of the way. Everywhere your turn. There's a reason to be scared of something. But it it's either that or stay stuck. Yeah, right. It was yeah, not for me anymore.

Nicoa Coach: 35:46

And then the cost became too great. To the pain, the annoyance, the frustration, the awareness that you were pissed off at everything and everything was triggering you, you have to get to a point where the pain is great enough to cause you to want to make a change. And that willingness to do exactly what you've been doing, which is observe yourself and look at your language and look at your practices and look at your, your health and well being and your financial situation. If you're not willing to look at it, you can't change it.

Trisha: 36:19

Right? You can't, you can't even shift if you don't know what you're shifting from. So that that's a huge part of it. Shoot, I just was thinking something and it's gone. Now, the other part, you're gonna remember x yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 36:38

So was it? What do you think it was something about how taking that ownership and that self reliance to respond to your life. That really is kind of the liberating step we're referring to. You're like, I really want to remember,

Trisha: 36:55

it was a good one to man, you're going to remember it's gonna come back and I'm just gonna shout it at you. Please do

Nicoa Coach: 37:02

your like timeout. I don't care what we're talking about. So let's think about the most powerful way that we can bring this conversation because I have a feeling that we're going to do this again in six months. And we're going to do it again in six months. And then we're going to do it again in six months. Because not only do I want to help you help yourself, I want you to be held accountable. Right.

Trisha: 37:25

Yeah, that's, that's, oh, I know. And if I'm like, I've gotta talk to Nico again. I can't tell him but let me tell you, I want to quit every day. Every day. Every morning, I get up and I'm like, Okay, I do my morning like thing. And I have this great new routine that I've been like, so far so good with and I start doing you know, my midlife by design content stuff, which is very minimal right now. And everything like the routine. My morning routine, which has been awesome. And this is another one of my like, doing it kind of moments. I went and got like a, I was in the store buying magazines for the storyboarding thing that we were doing. And they had day planners for $3 in the clearance aisle, because it's May so nobody needs a 23 day planner. But I picked up one because I was like, Oh, this is perfect. I'll use this to do my life by design notes. Not a to do list already. No. I mean, I love making lists. But so since I love making lists, I was like, Well, what if I do that for life by design? And so yeah, every day, I put two items, two points for life by design. And it is something that is aligned with what my you know, future vision of life by design is, so let's bring it into the present, what am I going to do today to live my life by design. And usually, it's really small stuff. Or, like, Oh, I'm gonna take a walk outside for lunch because I want to be more active, or I'm gonna, you know, film five minutes of B roll footage that have content for my midlife by design, social media account. And then I write three things that I'm grateful for, because the gratitude element is really key, at least for me, and maintaining a more positive mind shift, which has, as you know, I was in super low energy levels, those are still there lurking and ready for me at all times getting back to. So it is a daily task for me to try and set myself up as far away from level one into energies as possible. And I think taking that moment to reflect on what you are grateful for that you already have. And that was actually really hard to write down three things the very first week that I started and I was like, How can I not even find like, there are definitely three things a day I can be thankful for. But yeah, I mean, I kind of realized I don't have to be like giant things. So you're Wow. Like yesterday, it was cool breezes, soup and coffee. And that's all that like you can be grateful for just that, like simple. It shouldn't be hard. And the more practice you get, the easier it becomes. Yeah, sure.

Nicoa Coach: 40:17

And that's the practice has become a ritual which I love sacred rituals and practices and a life by design. So you you're doing exactly the work that has to be done. And again, it's not that we have to avoid the catabolic energy level one and level two. It's I always like to tell people it's not that you go there. It's how long do you stay there?

Trisha: 40:39

Yeah. So do you manage it when you're

Nicoa Coach: 40:42

right, fine. You get pissed off. Oh my god, I hate my job today. Oh, okay. You know what, though? I'm so grateful for the paycheck. That guy that I was Just talk to is really nice. And I just made a big difference for the client. Right? There's three things right there. And so you are putting in place literal practices and a ritual like that a morning routine, very helpful. And guess what that might serve you for a while, and then you want to

Trisha: 41:09

move on like, I so I secretly and I don't even tell myself this I guess I will now but like my I like keep it in my like little secret subconscious space where I'm like, eventually you're gonna be working out in the mornings again, you just don't have it yet. We're just starting with this journaling business. Because it makes like, I'm pretty much up early in the mornings now all the time. But every now and then there's days where I'm like, I don't want to frickin get out of bed. I just don't like, this is not going to be the day this is going to be level one day. And then I'm like, Nope, you promised yourself you were going to stick to this morning routine. So get up, make your coffee, sit outside, do your little five list points, and get on with it. And that's okay, showing up for yourself and keeping your word to yourself. So huge, so huge. If you are trying to shift your life in any way, shape, or form, because for many of us, if you're doing inner child work any of those oh my god, this is like, huge, um, snowballing. Yeah, if you are not going to keep your word to yourself, nobody else can be expected to, and most people won't. And that is something when I reflected on my life, and really looked back at, you know, past relationships or past jobs, where I'm like, wow, I got mistreated so badly. Like, they were really a bad person or that relationship I put way too much into in this setting the other? Like, what standards did I hold for myself? How well did I take care of myself? How, how much did I you know, like, respect myself, because most people in the world are only going to treat you and respect you as much as well as you treat and respect yourself. And that was a really tough one to learn. It's a learning curve. I wish I'd done sooner, because I probably would have had very different relationships in my life. But wow, it's never too late. And gosh, if you haven't gone down that road, you need to start there for sure.

Nicoa Coach: 43:14

Yeah. Oh, you really wow. You said that is

Trisha: 43:18

I think really at the core of a lot of what I'm doing is like, show up for yourself, Trisha, because if you can't, nobody else can, not in the way that you really need them too.

Nicoa Coach: 43:32

It ultimately comes back to you and you are enough, we just forget, we just forget, we're just remembering that we're worthy of that we got so distracted by the external validation from the relationship from our parents, from work from teachers, from the neighbors, whatever it is, we have to come back into ourselves and say, Wait, what matters most to me? You know, not only what do I want in this lifestyle, but how do I want to feel? How do I want to be treated? You know, what kind of relationships would I like? And how can I foster what I do have? And how can I attract more of what I want more of? So yeah, you're beautiful. I love that you shared that. And any other practices that you've put in place over the past four or five months that have and I want to ask that and I want to ask, How do you feel differently now compared to when you've reached out to me? So whichever one you want to start Yeah,

Trisha: 44:31

so how I feel differently now as I feel much more empowered to move forward and to manage when I feel a setback? That's been really, really huge for me is having the confidence to know okay, even if I've just had something that triggered me I'm like alright, so pause. Things we've been practicing like reinstate you know, all of all of the tools. The four questions have, what do you want? What do you what do you have? Are you willing to do the work to change? If not, can you accept those are like daily and then the shifting perspective? Like, you know, Oh, I hate my job today. Do I hate my job? Or did I just have a single interaction? That wasn't nice? Right, that's probably more the issue is like the email I just got for the negotiation I'm working on was really snarky, and this guy's a jerk. Okay, well, I hate that I don't hate my job. I don't hate my company necessarily. So So learning to just really be like a gift. Yeah, and don't throw everything into the same bundle. Yeah, look, look at this Trudy wants is something it's so easy to do. Just like throw it all out the window together. And it's like, no, it's just this one person. It's kind of a jerk. But guess what? No, the answer is still no, I'll see you later.

Nicoa Coach: 46:00

Like, well, I always bring you back to the facts, let's go look at the facts, like what actually is going well, what's not going well? And what do you want to change about any of that. And if you can't change what it is, you can change how you see it and perceive it. And that's the energy leadership work that we've been doing. And that's beautiful. And is there any other practice around that? Or any aha moments that you'd want to share with anybody?

Trisha: 46:26

Perhaps practice, I would say, still, I'm still in like, the infancy stages of getting my practices really solidified. Gosh, I wish I could be quicker that

Nicoa Coach: 46:38

this will help hold you accountable. Yeah.

Trisha: 46:42

I'm doing good with my morning routine, I need to work on my after work routines. Because I've also, you know, become very aware that like, Oh, I was always complaining that I don't have I give all my time to work? Well, I got a lot of time in the evening. Well, what am I going to do with it? Like,

Nicoa Coach: 46:58

that's right. And you spend a lot of time educating yourself on possible life by design changes. So you do have a lot of time. And that has been a big language change for you. I have more time than I was giving myself credit for. Yeah,

Trisha: 47:13

yeah. Yeah. Letting the perceived victimhood of being stuck in corporate life, as I would say, ruin the rest of my evening letting that be my excuse to not actually take responsibility, and use the time I did have for myself. That's right. So that's been a shift where I'm like, that that one's on me, I need to figure that one out and find better ways. So I've been definitely doing a ton of outdoor, just even if it's just going outside and sitting to get out of the house, because that's huge for me.

Nicoa Coach: 47:58

When you renew, we're all energy and you renew with the sunlight, and you are a natural part of this earth. And your only reason to be here is to be here. And if we can realize that, that just our existence alone is enough, then it allows you to save her moment to moment a lot more fully and fulfilling Lee, and I invite you to keep doing that. Is there? Is there any question that you think I should have asked or I could still ask related to the coaching experience or process or anything else you'd want to share? Before we wrap up?

Trisha: 48:36

I would just encourage anyone who is considering coaching, find a way to engage with a coach. I know it's it's definitely you know, something that's an investment, but it is one that will pay you back 10 times whatever it costs you. And don't be afraid to ask for that, you know, work and that help. That four letter word is one of the hardest ones to use. It's still is for me, but the times where I've done it has, has basically saved my life. So I would encourage anyone that's ever considered it or thinks they need it. You probably do. And even for people that are super highly successful and you know, have it all together. It's something that you know, it's still good to have because there's always room for growth.

Nicoa Coach: 49:34

Absolutely. And it's been an honor and a real privilege to be on your journey with you. And you know, I have coaching clients at all levels. I've had clients that have been coaching with me for 12 years. Sometimes I'll have a client that work with me for a long time. I won't hear from him for three years and then they're calling me every other week. Because some new life

Trisha: 49:54

experience you can believe what's happened now Yeah, life is you never know what's gonna come at you. So, I mean, I think the sooner you can build a relationship with a coach or a counselor who whatever it is that fits your life and yourself. I can't encourage it in people enough. The world is so much harder than it used to be guys it's so much more complicated our interactions, our relationships, our spaces, there's so much more complicated and you know, we're not supposed to do this alone.

Nicoa Coach: 50:25

We aren't and ROM das says we're all just walking each other home. And I love that quote. We're all just walking each other home. And you know you also on midlife by design on Instagram, talk about free resources. I also offer free resources at Coffee with nicoa.com There are 10 free coaching sessions available that are pre recorded. You also have access As to blogs and insights and tips, and I'm happy to share the vision boarding exercise with anybody that DM me on Instagram. And if there's anything else you want to add, before we wrap up, send people your way. What do you want to tell them?

Trisha: 51:05

Yeah, just thank you, Nicoa for having me on your coffee with Nicoa talks. And for anyone that enjoyed the conversation, feel free to find me on Instagram. It's mid life by design. And, yeah, it's a fairly new account. So get in while it's early, and you'll see the growth hopefully,

Nicoa Coach: 51:24

that's right. I think you gotta you've got like, I don't know, a handful of followers right now let's double that just.

Trisha: 51:32

I'm less than 50. Still, it's but I'm not doing anything else. I'm like, Nope, I'm just gonna keep going. And it'll grow as it grows.

Nicoa Coach: 51:41

Exactly. That's what I do, too. All right, my dear. I send you off with all sorts of positive energy. Keep your rituals going. And I'll talk to you very soon. Sounds good.

Unknown: 51:55

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicoa. For more stories from people living a life by design, you can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow Coffee with Nicoa. And check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com. And that's Nicoa N IC O A. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then.

Nicoa Coach: 52:20

That was fun. Thank you so much for doing that. But what did you just tell me about what you almost did.

Trisha: 52:25

So I almost reached out to cancel this appointment like five times. But why two weeks. I was having major doubts about my home in life by design, social media account, the whole process. I was just plagued with the fear and self doubt of starting this new thing that I want to do and the idea of coming on your talk and then not succeeding. Was I was like I can't do that. No, I should just quit now. Before I like have anyone notice that I even tried.

Nicoa Coach: 53:06

And how did you not cancel? Because I didn't get any text from you. There wasn't any hedging you showed up?

Trisha: 53:13

Yeah, I think because there's just enough of me that wants to believe in myself.

Nicoa Coach: 53:21

Yeah. That's all you gotta hang on to. Yeah, that little piece.

Trisha: 53:26

There's a little person in there still, that was like, you're really are good enough. Yes, you really are a promise. Just don't don't give up on us yet.

Nicoa Coach: 53:37

That's your tipsy BFF she's up there cheering you on and loves you and knows you're enough and you just forgot.

Trisha: 53:44

Yeah. And the idea that like I have to keep my word to myself. And this showing up for yourself and being there for yourself all the things that I wanted other people to do for me the rest of my whole life. Like this is me not quitting on myself.

Nicoa Coach: 54:02

Oh, wow. Thank you for sharing that and you showed up for me. Thanks for not quitting on me. I really appreciate you your support of me is as valuable as you indicated my support of you is so we make a good team. Indeed we do. All right, dear. love you love you to