S1 Ep5: Ana Shellem

Nicoa is joined by her friend and waterway neighbor Ana Shellem, owner of Shellem Seafood and Red Dogs Bar in Wilmington, and an amazing, resilient creator of a true Life by Design. Before becoming a bar owner and fisherman, Ana was a childhood star who appeared on Disney’s Bear in the Big Blue House. She left this career to find balance and escape what had turned into a trauma-filled life and headed to the shores of North Carolina. Nicoa talks with Ana about how she managed to shift from an unfulfilling toxic existence as a performer to living the life of her dreams on a sailboat and harvesting sustainable seafood for a career. 

In this conversation, please note that they also talk about mental health, eating disorders, sexual abuse, and trauma. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, or mental illness we encourage you to seek help and support. NAMI, the national alliance on mental illness has a helpline and a host of other resources including support for family and caregivers. NAMI’s website is nami.org. And NEDA the National Eating Disorder Association also has a helpline Their website is national eating disorders.org. And please know that you are not alone. According to the World Health Organization, 70% of people will experience trauma in their lifetime. Jennifer, our producer and marketer, is one of them. To read her story visit Medium or listen to her podcast Resilience and Recovery. 

We also want to give a special shout-out to

THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSOR Travis Pomerleau, Founder and CEO of Wilmington Coffee Roasters! Use Coupon Code COFFEEWITHNICOA for a Nifty 10% of your entire purchase at WILMINGTONCOFFEEROASTERS.COM

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Buy your copy of YOUR LIFE BY DESIGN: A Coffee With Nicoa Self-Care Coaching Journal
on Amazon today! 

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicola for a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. We're gonna go ahead and start recording my sweet friends. Although you and I are sitting here fixing our hair, no one actually can see us so that's good. All right, sweet. Comfortable. Oh, this is my office. Don't you love the books? I've probably read like, maybe half.

Unknown: 0:45

That's awesome. Yeah, you got a great space.

Nicoa Coach: 0:48

And I'm loving your space. So for our listeners who don't know, my sweet friend on a shell on you live on a boat.

Unknown: 0:54

I do with my three rescue dogs and my sweet husband. And I am. I'm a commercial fisherman. I own a company called Shalem seafood. And I keep my two work boats next to the boat we live on. So I just am totally immersed in my in my work.

Nicoa Coach: 1:10

Oh my gosh. Well, that's exactly why my friend you are sitting here on coffee with Nicola. And this isn't this isn't actually your first time being on coffee with Nicola isn't you and our my second time it's your second time because coffee when the COA used to be a really jacked up like 10 minute experience with whoever I could convince to talk to me. So we did that at the at the cargo district Downtown Wilmington. When we had the office. Yeah. What did we I don't even remember what did we talk about? Do you remember?

Unknown: 1:42

We talked about me becoming becoming a fisherman and leaving the bartending world. And you know, the risk of of taking that jump? And yeah, it's worked out so well. And that was forget how many years ago that was? We did that was like,

Nicoa Coach: 1:58

three, three years ago. We did it or two years ago. But you can do and so yeah, so let me give a big intro to you. So you've already kind of teased everybody but and I I loved I recently read The New York Times article about you written by Shivani Vora that was so amazing. Back in December, it was part of a women and leadership special report or something. I mean, talk about I mean, it was quick. But you shared so much. And what I grabbed from her she wrote, she's a she's a fisher woman, a saleswoman, a businesswoman, a delivery driver, a conservationist. Oh, and she also was a bar owner.

Unknown: 2:45

Yes, yes, we own red dogs are my husband runs red dogs, and then I run Shallum seafood and we stay in our lanes. And so it's a good team.

Nicoa Coach: 2:56

Well, what's really cool is that I happen to also know that the in the article talks about it, I highly recommend everybody, we'll put the link to the article in the show notes. But you have a really unique history of your life, coming from being also a young actor and model and being on what Weren't you on a Disney show or something?

Unknown: 3:18

Yes, I was a Live Performer and bear in the big blue house. That was an international production we did for a whole year. So that was, that was a big kickoff for when I was focusing on acting and modeling. And then after that, that opened up a lot of doors in New York City and well, no, I'm just really glad that I found the ocean and fishing and got out of that world that was so toxic and triggering for me personally, and I've I've never been happier after leaving that.

Nicoa Coach: 3:48

Well, I think that's really the question for today then. So I have really enjoyed doing these interviews with people where I can take the conversation a little bit deeper than the Oh, yay, hear all the wonderful things we do. And I'd really like us to tap in today about not only are we doing a lot of great amazing things to create a life by design, and as I say, you have to define it if you want to design it, but we're also shifting our way of being in the process. So we're human beings right now, what was it along your path and feel free to share wherever you want some of those aha moments, those triggering moments that helped you realize I got to do something different here. What was that like for you? Getting to where you are today.

Unknown: 4:38

Um, some of those aha moments were pretty emotional. And I think I had a lot of trauma in my childhood, lots of sexual abuse. And I was I was working in professional theater since I was eight years old and I don't like, I love to work hard. But all I've done is work. In the summers when I was in high school, I would go live in New York City by myself and audition. And you know, I was helping take care of my family back home, but I was just it was, like a pushed dream for me, by my mom, she really wanted me to be famous. And, and be an actress and a model. And it was just, I had a lot of fun when I was younger with dancing. I did ballet for 17 years, I'm so glad I did that. That's, that was a great part of it. But the the eating disorders that came with it, and the never being good enough, my mom would call me a little miss second place. And was, you know, really controlling over my food. And so I've always, I had this really odd relationship with food my whole life. And I think that's why now I love feeding people the freshest seafood possible. And that's why I love working directly with the chefs I do now. Yeah, but when I moved to North Carolina, in 2011, I was so burnt out with acting and modeling, I was just miserable, I was unhealthy. And so I just decided that that's not going to be for me anymore. And I was already working in the restaurant world then as well. So I moved down here, and my mum didn't talk to me for about two years, she was so upset that I wasn't gonna be, you know, a famous actress. And so, at the new space in North Carolina, the ocean just spoke to me and I was ready for a big change then, and I felt safe here. And when I first came down, I told myself if I can find a job today, I'm just going to move here, right away. And I got a job at the tower seven at the beach. And

Nicoa Coach: 7:02

one of our favorites got written.

Unknown: 7:04

Yes, so good. And that, you know, that was a that was you could make enough money there to have a good life. And I'm sorry about that. And I I was just trying to figure out what made me happy. And I met my now husband, John, we would he was living on a boat at the time. And I thought that was so cool, because I was used to the small spaces from the city and he, he would take me out on kayaks and we would go oystering and muscling and clamming. And then we'd come back and cook it together. Those were like our date dates. And the place that I was staying in, in, in Lionsgate, my place got broken into and he was the first guy that I could call to be like, I need your help. Somebody broke into our place. And Ralph was upstairs, but I don't want to go in without, by myself that would just be done. And I don't want to call the police for some reason. So he came, he's like, we gotta get you out of here. And he was like, if you if you want to try it, I've got a sailboat that you could live on. I was like, hell yes. Oh my god. Yes. So he put me he put it at anchors been Marina and I was living on that sailboat. And it was me and Ralph. And it was just, I felt like so in place. And now John and I have coming up on our eighth year of marriage.

Nicoa Coach: 8:29

Oh, wow. Congratulations.

Unknown: 8:31

Thank you. Thanks. And we, we both have really picked, you know, a unique minimalist lifestyle with living on a boat. We're both he's he's taught me so much with fixing boats, and he does all this fiberglass work. So if you don't know how to fix boats, yourself, it's going to be pretty hard to live on a boat. But John can do all of that. And I'm learning in the process. And you know, we we both don't want to have kids, we want to stay traveling, we want to take off one day on this when you know, show them seafood is fizzled out. And it's good thing we have that bar. We make the traveling possible, but it's spending time in nature, living on a boat, having a job now that I'm just always outdoors. And yeah, paying attention to the moon, because it's so important with my work and the tides and the wind direction and just observing nature every day. And to be able to make a living off of it is amazing. I'm so thankful. And

Nicoa Coach: 9:41

so I love everything that you just said and you've said a lot and I want to really parse out a little bit of those messages that you relate about your life because I did an interview recently with Nicole Lewis Keebler and she actually talks about trauma and trauma in there. relationship with our businesses, but you experienced some real firsthand trauma, some controlling issues and you know, with all due respects to mama respect to mamas out there, you know, hurt people hurt people out of control people control people and, and you know they're doing the best they can. But at the same time, we are having these experiences that cause us to make choices that we sometimes have to really jar ourselves awake out of. And it sounds like you became insightful enough during that time to be able to get the heck out of there. Yes, first of all, I want to commend you for moving through that and getting, you know, nobody ever gets over it, but you've got through it, and you are really thriving. Now. There is a little delay on the on the voice, just so you know, so I'm going to be pausing a little bit, but it's gonna be our connection. But I want to commend you. So that whole thing about childhood trauma, the whole thing about recognizing that you were out of control and needed to get back to yourself in a in and you did that through nature. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. And your whole business model is designed it, you know, intentional design, but how in the world did you manage to fall in love with a man whose last name was Shalem?

Unknown: 11:20

Worked out so perfectly. People are like, that can't be real. That's not real. And his parents are like, she's really starting a stupid company. And it's Shalem. Who knows? No, no. I love it. It's perfect.

Nicoa Coach: 11:38

Well, can you share a little bit about, you know, the thoughts in your head during the time where it started causing you to be like, what the hell I have to get the heck out of here. And then how you now talk to yourself in this world? You know what I mean?

Unknown: 11:53

Yeah, that's Yeah, well said. I was the voice that I had. Growing up was always so negative to myself constantly. Because I always needed to do better, be thinner, be more, like whiter teeth, perfect hair, everything. And it was so exhausting. And I wasn't doing anything for myself. I was trying to prove myself to my family. And, of course, there were things that I loved about acting and modeling. But the bigger umbrella was very negative for me. I knew that I needed to. I went to the dentist here. And they when I first got here, and they said that the back of my teeth. I have like acid wear and I'm like God that's from being bulimic for all of this time. And I was like, You need to have strong teeth. It was really helped. I mean, just little things like that, like the wear and tear eating disorders have on your body are just, they, there's so much to it that you're not you're not realizing what's going on. So that was very sidenote,

Nicoa Coach: 13:03

I actually can relate. I suffered from anorexia when I was a cheerleader at NC State. And I didn't eat the whole year, and I had to weigh 115 pounds and I'm five, six, and that's just ungodly wrong. So I can read that resonates. darlin, yeah, I'm sorry, you went through that.

Unknown: 13:23

You too, you too. I had, my agents always gave me a weight that I had to be. And, of course I was. I was I felt now that I'm not in that world, I realized how vain it made me and how you just need to relax and love your body. And thank it for the strong things that, you know we're capable, we're all capable of. And I think that with the mindset changing now, it's a lot more positive, I'm thankful for my muscles. They helped me do my job. And that makes me so it's it's such a it's a very physically demanding job in all sorts of elements. And it's made me feel more independent, more empowered, just driving a boat and understand, you know, that's, that was like a independent feeling. To feel capable of taking care of yourself taking care of your loved ones. So my voice has finally it's taken a long time change to loving myself, but hated myself for so long. And sometimes that can, you know, fall back into my brain and I'm much better at you know, slapping myself on the wrist and being like, get away from get away from those thoughts. They've never done anything good. And it's, I think that has just just getting older. I think women start to feel better about themselves and I love aging so much. I love being in my 30s it's just get done. Just knowing yourself and you know, having boundaries in place and protecting your family unit more and protecting yourself and taking good care of yourself, like eating good food and drinking good wine. And you know,

Nicoa Coach: 15:19

I mean, you're talking about a life by design. This is boundary setting, it's setting a set of standards in your life, you have to be really intentional about it. Or you know, that, that I am not enough thinking and that self disparagement, and attempt to control every freakin aspect trying to create perfection that will just consume you and kill you. So yeah, people really have to pause and say, Wait, what that you know, I mean, what do I want? And what does matter most to me, and you had to get away from people that were clouding your ability to even see yourself. So what a strong story. And I think what I'd love to do is take a quick break. And then when we come back, I want to talk about how you've been even more intentional about your business design going forward. Thank you.

Unknown: 16:13

Sounds good. Hi, this is Jennifer, I wanted to share some important resources with you. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or has experienced trauma, we encourage you to seek help and support. Nami. The National Alliance on Mental Illness has a helpline and a host of other resources including support for family and caregivers. Nami his website is nami.org. And Nida. The National Eating Disorders Association also has a helpline. Their website is National Eating disorders.org. And please know that you are not alone. According to the World Health Organization, 70% of people will experience trauma in their lifetime. I'm one of them to read my story, visit medium or listen to my podcast, resilience and recovery. You can also find links to all of these resources in the show notes of this episode.

Nicoa Coach: 18:00

Okay, we're back. And now we're talking about here with Ana Shalem, who is of shell and seafood company, she is one of my favorite people. And she happens to just live down the waterway for me. That's right. Yeah, I love seeing you when we come by on sounder and we were like beeping the horn, we try to wave at you. And we always see my friend fickle Laura out there. A little community, you really have created a beautiful community now and and I want to thank you for sharing some of the history of your life and your your ability to get into this new life. But you've done some interesting things as well. I remember the last time we were talking I kept I was kind of a more more better, better thinker, as is most of society, especially in this American dream. And I remember talking to you and saying, Well, why are you driving, you need a driver? You need this, you need to get people to deliver for you. You need to grow the band. You didn't ask for any of that advice. I was just volunteering it. And then I read or heard you say something recently, maybe on your Instagram posts, which is show them see through code, right? Is that the name of your Instagram? Yes, perfect. Well, I remember you saying, Guys, I'm good. Tell me that. I'm not expanded Stop telling

Unknown: 19:19

me. Yes, absolutely. I think what getting my business to be where it is now has a lot to do with the relationships I have with my chefs. And I get I take so much pride in the safety and quality of my shellfish. So if I put it in other people's hands, I would lose sleep I couldn't. I trusted myself to get it there properly. And to have conversations with the chef about what it was like out there that day and, you know, sharing the time to table message with the chefs who then I even go in to speak to new staff and get them excited about the magic of what we're all able to do together from Chef to staff and and then the fisherman and in order to do all this delivery myself. I had to become a fish dealer as well. So I can also sell my friends catches and what and will often get back to the dock at the same time whenever that serendipitously happens, and I can buy it from him right there and take it directly to my chef. So it's just it's just the way I want to eat food. It's the way we should be eating food knowing where it comes from understanding the nature that makes it available or not seasonality. I wanted that to be a big part of my business and especially with the seasonality as the two of us with, you know, past eating disorders, we really pay attention to what we've put in our body now. And it's become like a loving relationship, not like a calorie counting, or it's more about the quality and the love behind the food anyway. So I had the opportunity to meet with some people that wanted to distribute my product, but, and I could go out and fish every day and get as much as I can and sell it to whoever wants to buy it. But I go out specifically, per order, like I check in with my chefs at the beginning of the week, see how many they need, what size and I go out and pick specifically that so there's zero waste in my company, which makes me feel really good, it's not harmful to the environment, I get to observe all of these, this climate change that is so so heartbreaking. But to tell people that I see it firsthand, is just a great, great way to help people be more aware of that, if that's something that they weren't thinking considering. So before COVID, I had like 31 different restaurant accounts, and I was driving everywhere from little Washington, to Charlotte to Lone cedar in the Outer Banks. And Carolina Beach, just Kinston everywhere. And after with COVID. It was obviously horrible for everybody, John, and I didn't want to change my business structure at all. I wanted to stick with my chefs and not not change it to be about money, because it never was about money. You can't it's hard to you know, say man, I like to go fishing, or I'd like to be a rich fisherman. And there's just, it's just not very smart choice. Really, you know, the way I've developed my business now I can't I have a I'm happy with consistent orders from chefs and peace of mind. And, you know, I make what I think is a great amount. And

Nicoa Coach: 23:04

that's perfect. I mean, people need to realize that, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should or that you want to write and right. That's a real aha moment for people in this society trying to realize, you know, I mean, I have a friend who launched a coaching business, and then now she has like, 10 coaches under her and I was like, yeah, yeah. I don't want to do that at all. There's like nothing about I want to be able to take a nap in the afternoon. I mean, I like Yeah, exactly. Do not add

Unknown: 23:37

pressure. Yes. And so people, you know, they, they're always like, don't you want to be bigger? Don't you want to hire people? I had one guy say like, you're too pretty to be in the marsh, age prematurely. And that sunshine, I'm like, good. I like my wrinkles. Also EP off. But if if I get any bigger than it, it's not sustainable. It's not zero waste. It's not, I have to be in control of that. And I'm so happy to be in control of that. And I mean, I have no overhead and I own my boats. And so it's, I'm at my capacity, and I'm really thankful for that.

Nicoa Coach: 24:17

Yeah, it's your life. It's your experiences, your design, and good for you for I mean, you went out there, you had to ebb and flow, like the tides with your business. You know, you really had to get out there and you had a high tide. And then it sounds like COVID really gave you a moment to pause and say, Wait, what is it that is going to make the most sense for us? That's, that gives us the lifestyle that we would crave and enjoy, I guess is just fabulous. Do you want to share a little bit about I understand you were recognized by the governor of North Carolina as a commissioner for conservation. Tell us what that is?

Unknown: 24:57

Yes, so I am a commissioner for marine fisheries. So there's I we meet four times a year and then I'm on subcommittees as well and it's our job to protect the resource and help make decisions that will protect our resources for future generations. Studying your types and making sure you no less damage to our Earth. It's it's a very, it's a very hard position to be in it is one of the most difficult things that I've done and I'm really proud to have my voice be heard and to promote sustainability and just help help bring that message to a Really powerful spot. And we are in charge of Yeah. people's livelihoods. So it's absolutely terrifying because you I want to do the right thing for them for the resource for our earth. And the longer that I've been on the board. I have I have just learned so so much about the commercial industry, the rec industry. I love being able to speak with fishermen and fish markets. And do there's so much research to be done. And it is it's a very valuable aspect in my life. And,

Nicoa Coach: 26:25

sure, and you're the only other there's only two women, right on the whole board.

Unknown: 26:31

Yes, and then the director of marine fisheries is Kathy Roz, but it's me and Sarah Gardner and it's really just meet people that I am thankful to have relationships with. Because we being in the same room with people that care that much. It can get pretty wild, but I'm really thankful for it and wild by passionate conversations that can get heated but

Nicoa Coach: 26:56

well I think purpose and passion is important for people to create what they want. Tell us what's the one message or two messages you'd want our listeners to keep in mind about how they can influence the health and well being of our oceans. And is there something that or a mission statement you want to share with everybody.

Unknown: 27:16

Um, I ask where your seafood comes from. Eat as local as possible, eat seasonally find sources of food that do have sustainable practices. Learn how to get your own food too because it is so rewarding. Just being able to feed my family like when when COVID hit and I was panicked for finances. Instead my husband encouraged me to just go Go Fish baby, it makes me so happy so I got to fall in love with the marsh again. And I could also feed my family no matter what whether it was a lot of rice and beans and muscles, our cholesterol probably raised the roof. But I'm really proud of that like that. That just that was a really great outcome to a very hard year and man, and I feel like my business is better because of that time and to look at it as not a not a money machine looking at as just pick out the perfect, most beautiful shellfish you can find. And you don't need to get everybody shellfish just pick your favorite chefs and let that message bloom hopefully inspire other fishermen to become fish dealers so they can set their own prices. They can deliver their own fish that would be it's a it's a game changer for being able to thrive as a fisherman

Nicoa Coach: 28:50

Well, you're a game changer. You're a game. You are unique. You are powerful you are Oh by the way, Mama super famous and you are and we are so proud of you. I appreciate you going to those vulnerable spots with me and talking about your way of being knowing who you are as a beautiful very woman I'm in my 50s you know that 50s Or even better than 30 Do you think you're having fun now? Let me just say but knowing what you know now what words of wisdom or advice that can be simple whatever from this experience about changing your mindset and what do you want to share with the young women maybe some even the older women who are still suffering with body image or those women who are suffering with creating their boundaries and their lives by design? What tips can we get from ANA Shalem

Unknown: 29:50

um I would say that your life could change at any moment like you can either force it to happen or it will just happen on its own. Working on yourself and making sure you're happy first is so important because like I found a great therapist that was big for me to therapy is huge. There's nothing wrong with it. Go and heal yourself it's made therapies made my marriage better my everything better and and as your you just have to start healing and your path can will change to where you need to be if you just heal within yourself and be very mindful of your footprint on the world and gosh, eat more seafood. North Carolina seafood

Nicoa Coach: 30:51

Oh, I love it. I love it. Well, you're absolutely right. Healing is the key and mindfulness is the key and I'm really really excited for where you are in this beautiful life by design and I was going to share with you that my marketing person person Jennifer Gardner, she just went to see bird Saturday night and before she got there I was like texting her Don't forget to ask for honest shellfish you know and so she gets there she's like, they even highlight your name on they say show um, seafood company on their menu. She goes, they were delicious, so well,

Unknown: 31:27

and makes me feel good. Dean is great, Dean course. seabird, he will take anything I bring him I'll bring him prickly pears and cactus pads and seaweed and sea beans and whelks and pin clams in he his staff, his sous chef Mario, they're just incredibly talented. And we and again, it's that passion. Those people are so passionate about what they do. And so when we all get together, it's good things come, so definitely got to say,

Nicoa Coach: 31:57

yes. I love it when you and I get together good things come to and I'm so grateful that we had this time together. Is there anything else you want to share? Is there anything you wish I'd asked you? Or are you feeling complete?

Unknown: 32:13

I'm feeling really good. I think I'm gonna walk a little taller today with all of this positive energy.

Nicoa Coach: 32:18

Absolutely. Well, I celebrate you sweet friend. And thank you for being on coffee with Nicola. And I have a feeling that we will do this again someday, and I can't wait to see you on the creek.

Unknown: 32:32

Yes, I'll see you on the water. Beautiful. Thank you so much for having All right.

Nicoa Coach: 32:36

Thank you. Bye, dear they Ma.

Unknown: 32:40

We want to give a special shout out to seabird restaurant in Wilmington, North Carolina. It's my favorite place to eat and Wilmington, and a wonderful place to try on us oysters. I ordered them this past weekend. And I have to say they were the best oysters I've ever had. And that saying something I grew up in a fishing town. So if you're in North Carolina and headed to the coast, make sure to make a reservation at sea bird and visit Shalom seafood.com to find a list of restaurants that regularly serve on a seafood. Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nikola for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow coffee with Nikola and check out our website Coffee with nikola.com and that's Nikola Nico, a. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then