Espresso Shot 12: ALLOWING SOMEONE TO COMPLAIN

What if you could REALLY ALLOW someone to complain to you without feeling uncomfortable? Is it about helping them or helping you? So many insights in this weekly ESPRESSO SHOT! Take a listen to learn more tips on HOW TO let someone complain in a productive, supportive way. Nicoa admits she is STILL LEARNING but it gets easier with practice! LIFE BY DESIGN!

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:02

sometimes don't you just need a quick moment of inspiration. Or maybe you just need a moment of caffeinated contemplation to reflect on life. That's the idea behind my weekly coffee with Nicola espresso shots. I'll be sharing short jolts of inspiration in each clip, in addition to my longer Coffee with Nicoa interview episodes, make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot, or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you.

Unknown: 0:31

Don't you really hate it, when you see that one person pop up on your phone that you know is going to complain? I do. I have to have to tell you something, guys. I complain about people complaining. And that's what today's espresso shots gonna be. I forgot to say good morning, good morning, or good afternoon, whenever you're listening to this. I don't like it when people complain. And then as a coach, I guess that's pretty common. Because I can see the possibility and the potential for not complaining. My poor family, they get so annoyed with me. You know, I've had kids come home complaining about work or at school or complaining about a teacher. And I'm that person that kind of hangs out at that level five, energy and energy leadership where I'm just so damn curious all the time. I'm like, oh, what's the opportunity here, or I might sit there as my kid is complaining about that teacher. And I'm, I'm empathizing with the teacher. Not thinking, I bet she had a hard day. And that's probably why she said that to my kid, or why she wasn't as responsive or show up showed up for my kid the way my kid wanted her to. But I just have a hard time allowing people to be pissed off and annoyed and frustrated. And, you know, My poor husband, he has a lot of things he likes to complain about too. And, and I'm, I'm his spouse, I'm supposed to listen and create space for him and really be there for him. But I have to tell you guys something, it's really hard for me, it's just really hard. And I want to tell you that I'm probably wrong, a lot of the times not wrong, and that life is right and wrong. But I probably don't practice creating a safe enough space for those people close to me, to allow them to be in a space of complaining. Now, I always try to help heal fix as well, that's a lot of level for energy. I'm a caregiver at the end of the day, and I really want to help you. So I want to make you feel better. So if you come to me, especially a family member, and you're complaining about stuff, then I'm immediately also thinking, Hmm, here, here's the solution. Like, let's let's fix it, or maybe you think about it this way, or stop thinking about it that way. And I need to recognize and I invite you to do the same, that there is value in all feelings. There's value in every emotion, right? Emotion, e motion, energy in motion. And the best way for me to show up for somebody that I invite you to do the same is when someone's complaining and commit and really, and really judging and talking crap about whatever's going on in their world, find a way to validate the emotion they are in. Try not to move them out of that space. So quickly. What we tend to do is we interject what we need into that conversation. So sometimes those conversations are uncomfortable. And my my challenge is that I tried to make myself feel better when if they weren't complaining, right? So I'm trying to find a way for them to stop feeling bad. And I might think it's because I want them to feel better. But maybe it's because I just am uncomfortable listening to people complain. So I'm really making it about me. Whoa, that's some observing right there. That's some, that's some self coaching. So but I invite you to do the same. Observe yourself. Are you comfortable with people complaining? Now, here's another thing that can happen. You can get totally sucked in to the complaining. And you can sit in that space with that person to go. Yeah, that sucks. And I hate that too. I can't believe that happened. Now here's what I want to invite you to know about that. That's okay. But it's not sustainable. And it doesn't make either one of you feel better in the long run. So there's a secret sauce. I'm getting ready to share about how you can move through complaining in order to get to the other side and have it be beneficial for everybody. Because when you just sit in that space of complaining and agreeing and then adding on Oh, piling on, like you start complaining about your life too and blah, blah, blah and then let's get another glass of wine and before you know it, everybody's half drunk and depressed. Well, there's a little secret practice If we can all find it, we might be able to shift the energy of these types of complaining conversations to one of celebrating in some way, or at least a life lesson learned. And that secret sauce is the concept of validation, validation. Now, remember, when I said I kept kind of imposing my own needs into that moment with my family, and that if you're over there complaining with your friend, you might be imposing your need to connect both of those, you know, my need to disconnect and not feel uncomfortable with someone feeling bad and your need, if you will, for connecting and wanting to commiserate, in order to feel that bond with the person. You know, those are both very valid circumstances. But the only way we can really get through them is through the concept of validation. So when we validate, we can be engaged but not stepping into the same energy. I validate my child when she comes home and complains about her teacher by saying, Tell me more. Well, how did that make you feel? I can imagine you'd be upset if she didn't respond to you, I can see how you might be pissed off if, if she gave you an F when you thought you were going to get a B hit the end of the day, validating where they are. And then asking them, What do you need from me right now? Do and you might have, they may say I need you to be upset with me. Okay, I can be upset with you. I can choose to be upset. But then the last piece of it is, what did you learn from this? Or what is it that you want to take from this experience? Or maybe it's what action do you need to take next? Because once you get through the the dumping of whatever the complaining the and then you validate their feelings so they feel seen and heard so they don't just keep at it? Then you can say what are you going to do about it? Or what do you need to do to move forward from this? Or to let go of this? The same with the commiserating and bonding with your friend? What is it that you need? In this moment? I just need you to listen, do you want me to listen, fix it or just hold your hand? And then validating? Anybody would think about it that way? Of course you feel pissed? Or of course you're upset? Of course you're sad, fill in the blank, whatever the emotion is, that makes so much sense to me. How can I support you going forward? Is there anything you want to do about changing the situation? Do you need my help fixing it? You just want to listen? Are we still mad? Okay, let's still complain then. But at some point, complaining doesn't serve us for sustainable sustainability in our lives. So when you're FDA, finding yourself in those spaces with others, or you yourself are complaining, make sure you look in the mirror and validate like come back to the trick. And the trick is validate the feeling. Validate where the person is even if it's yourself, and then ask yourself what do I want? What do I want now? What do I need? Do I need an app? Do I need a friend? Do I need a solution? And what am I going to do going forward about this topic? What am I what is the next step for me to help me feel better? Okay, guys, complain all you want. But make sure you know how to get out of the complaining when it becomes too burdensome for you. I know I'm continuing to practice. Take this as your journaling prompt for the week. Happy espresso shot and thanks for listening. Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you. firecracker burning in scuffle hands on