COFFEE WITH NICOA: Creating A LIFE BY DESIGN.

S2 EP11 : BOB TIEDE

March 13, 2024 NICOA DUNNE CORNELIUS Season 2 Episode 11
COFFEE WITH NICOA: Creating A LIFE BY DESIGN.
S2 EP11 : BOB TIEDE
COFFEE WITH NICOA: Creating A LIFE BY DESIGN. +
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Show Notes Transcript

What's your favorite question? Bob Tiede and Nicoa discuss the power of leading with questions and leveraging FAITH as a foundation of his life. Bob is an author known for "Now That's A Great Question!" and co-author of "Leading With Questions" with Michael J. Marquardt. Listen in to reflect on how YOU use questions to create a LIFE BY DESIGN and if FAITH is supporting you in that design! Are you curious about questioning to get what you want out of life? This episode is filled with powerful stories to enable a greater knowing of how, when and why questions become a powerful tool in designing a life you love. LOTS TO PONDER! LOTS to Journal about it!

GET BOB'S BOOKS HERE:
(Note: ALL E-BOOKS ARE FREE! AND ARE AVAILABLE IN 9 LANGUAGES)
Now That's A Great Question
Leading With Questions: How Leaders Discover Powerful Answers by Knowing How and What to Ask!
Little Book of Big Leading With Question Quotes
Great Leaders Ask Questions: A Fortune 100 List
339 Questions Jesus Asked
260 Questions Paul The Apostle of Christ Asked

Bob Tiede's blog site leadingwithquestions.com where he will be reviewing Nicoa's latest book "My Life By Design Journal: A Coffee With Nicoa Self-Care Coaching Journal" very soon!

Buy your copy of YOUR LIFE BY DESIGN: A Coffee With Nicoa Self-Care Coaching Journal
on Amazon today! 

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Follow COFFEE WITH NICOA on Instagram @CoffeeWithNicoa for archived episodes & to see more of Nicoa's Life By Design! And now on TikTok @NicoaCoach


Want to have Coffee With Nicoa as a podcast guest? Or, do you know someone she'd love to have a caffeinated chat with? Or maybe a great ESPRESSO SHOT idea? Message her directly at Nicoa@CoffeeWithNicoa.com

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Nicoa Coach:

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope that will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Hey, Bob TV, how's it going?

BOB TIEDE:

Fantastic.

Nicoa Coach:

I'm really glad that you're here with me on coffee with Nicoa. We have a different connection than than most of my guests so far. I mean, I'm just starting out this. We're only starting Season Two right now. And you and I connected on LinkedIn. Is that correct? Absolutely.

BOB TIEDE:

And it's been great to connect with you. Nicoa.

Nicoa Coach:

Well, you're one of the most generous people I've met so far, who has reached out to me to be on the podcast, and everybody please welcome Bob TD, Bob has sent me five books that he has either written or CO written. He reached out on LinkedIn with some really interesting questions. You know, I'm not surprised. I'll tell you guys more. And I was it piqued my interest. And I thought you know what? The work that you have done, Bob, that you've done with and you have a co author as well, I'm forgetting your co authors name. Michael Marquette

BOB TIEDE:

Maquardt? Yes.

Nicoa Coach:

Marquardt Okay. Yes. So you you reached out and I was like, wow, you said, I'm sending you these books right now. And it showed up in this gold wrapped package. And you've made me feel special since the moment we connected. And I just wanted to start by thanking you for that your style is awesome.

BOB TIEDE:

Oh, my pleasure, Nicola. And you immediately reached out to say, Hey, would you be my guest, and I'm so honored, and just been looking forward to this time. And you know, it's Nicole with coffee. So I've got mine. That's

Nicoa Coach:

right. I've got mine. And we're about to dive deep. And I'm gonna take this maybe a little different angle than you've had in past interviews. So let me give everybody your your brief bio. You are amazing. Man. You have been married for 53 years. Bob, what you look, you don't look like you've been married 53 years, my gosh, I'm 55. I hate to tell you. May I ask your age.

BOB TIEDE:

I'm 74,

Nicoa Coach:

74 going on 44. I'm telling you, and you then your career for 52 years Campus Crusade for Christ, you are still a member of the CRU organization, in their leadership development team. And you are a blogger, you've got this awesome website, which I wish I had found this website when I was still in the corporate world. But I'm so grateful to have found it now leading with questions.com. And you're in your 11th year, and followed by leaders in over 200 countries. You've written six very popular books, great leaders ask questions of fortune 100 list. And now that's a great question, which I've been totally diving into this morning. And you have your newest book, that is your newest edition of that book, leading with questions. And that's the one you did with your co author. So tell me, tell me a little bit about your story. And I know how to ask that question. So tell us your story. And why you think your story is important to a life by design.

BOB TIEDE:

Well, the call whenever I speak, I always start with a confession. And you know as you shared my introduction, listeners, viewers of your podcast good thanks. Oh, I bet asking questions just comes naturally to Bob and I realized to some people it does. I only wish it came naturally to me. I frequently share that I'm a charter member of TA and people say ta I'm not sure I know what that is. And I say well maybe you've heard of AAA Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, TA is tellers anonymous. We go to our meetings, I stand up and introduce myself. I'm Bob I'm gonna tell her and it's telling that comes naturally to me. Me too.

Nicoa Coach:

I'm right there with you. When's the next Zoom meeting for TA I need to join in. Exactly.

BOB TIEDE:

And so for most of my career, I look back and realize I was a benevolent dictator. Because my only paradigm of leadership was that the job of a leader was to give direction the job of a leader was to tell staff what to do. Now, Nicole, I did say benevolent I grew up in a home where I was taught to say please and thank you. So if you've been on my team to call I don't think I ever would have said Nicole go do this. It became a call. We're working on this this week it really be great if you could please do this. And it still has the do that right? When you did it, I would have said thank you at a staff meeting to call stand up, you all need to hear when Nicole dead. And I don't want to suggest we got nothing done. But I am confessing my only paradigm of leadership was a leader needs to tell. And for me that changed in 2006, when I found the first edition of leading with questions by Dr. Michael Moore core, this literally is the book I bought in 2006. I mean, I devoured it, I started teaching out of it, I see

Nicoa Coach:

all the sticky notes.

BOB TIEDE:

It's I read this book, and it's filled with stories of leaders literally from around the globe, not just the US who were leading with questions and the questions they were asking. I only had one question, why hasn't anyone ever shared this paradigm with me before? And it's like I immediately embraced it, it immediately made sense. The call a leader who leads with questions can be up to 10 times more effective. But this doesn't only apply to leaders, it applies to all of us in our relationships with all the people we're related to or making new friends. So that's a bit of the background. If there's more about my story you want to hear asked me? Absolutely.

Nicoa Coach:

How has that new found? I mean, first of all, I'm a tailor, you're a tailor. And I think one of my most therapeutic experiences is being a podcast host so that I can learn how to ask the questions. And and I really was trying to think about how asking you questions about your life by design. The question that came to my mind was, how have questions helped you help yourself in your life, as you've gone through this path?

BOB TIEDE:

Well, I guess in so many ways I thought I have right now is it's counterintuitive. I mean, he wouldn't have ever occurred to me prior to understanding. And that is you get with a new person. And you think if I can just tell him to call all the great things about me, she will just, you know, want to have a relationship, I want to do business, you know, whatever. And the reality is when we meet a new person, and we monopolize by telling them stuff, where we do 80% of the talking, they don't actually end up trusting us, they actually end up mistrusting us. If we feel that around where we let them do 80% of the talking, the more they talk, in other words, what they're what they're receiving, is being listened to. And as they receive being listened to, they naturally begin to trust the person who is carefully listening to them. And that is such an important piece of wisdom that I didn't have prior to understanding this. So today I I frequently have a little acrostic in my mind, it's the acrostic of weight, w ay ay T, why am I talking? So just remembering that with, you know, new people well, as well as friends. And exactly and asking them questions, and then listening. And oh, and there's so many little things. Another thing I've learned to do is to ask what I call the second question. And the third question. Almost every time somebody shares an answer, there's something within their answer that you could inquire more about. Yes, I don't mean that you make it an interrogation. But you're just continuing to show interest in their story, what they're sharing.

Nicoa Coach:

But I think it's really profound. And I get it because I used to say, as an HR professional, when someone in the back of the town hall raises their hand and asks a question. I always try to think, what is the question behind that question? Because if they say something like, you know, so, you know, did we get the, you know, did the raises get approved for the next paycheck cycle? Right. And you're sitting there thinking, that's not really their question. Their question is, am I going to get the amount of money I anticipated in order to pay that bill that's causing me to lose sleep in the middle of the night? Right. So what are they worried about or fear? And if I can ask them to tell me more, say, well, it's in process. Tell me more about what's going on with your question. You know, what else can I answer? for you about that topic, because just giving it an answer like that doesn't really address typically the issue at hand. When I'm sure you know that, yeah, well,

BOB TIEDE:

exactly. Nicoa, one of the, I guess another lesson that I've learned that I that I pass on, is my favorite question to ask when I'm asked a question is to ask this question back. In other words, Nicole asked me a question. And rather than assuming I understand the question, is to say, Nicole, Could you say more about that? And I've never found any ones that note, Bob, I won't say another word. They tell you more, because it's a question.

Nicoa Coach:

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna tell you more about that question I asked you, I'm ready to hear because I'm a teller and talker. I will, as I was reading your books, and I didn't read all of them. But I was skimming and scanning and looking at the quotes and trying to really get a better feel for your style. I really wanted to flip the powerful messages that you've put out to the world that I know are selling these books. I mean, leaders want to know how to ask better questions. But I wonder, and I noticed you've referenced it a few times in some of the books. Talk to me about how we help leaders ask themselves the profound questions. What have you learned from that angle of questioning?

BOB TIEDE:

Oh, that is a very interesting question. My answer, maybe I have to come around the barn on this one. I find in general, that most people don't like rhetorical questions. In other words, if I say Nicoa, here's some questions you need to ask yourself. For whatever reason, most people don't say, oh, yeah, let me have those questions. And I'm gonna think an hour on them. For whatever reason, I'm not the psychologist most, most people don't want to go there.

Nicoa Coach:

You're right. I know that for a fact.

BOB TIEDE:

What I find that's interesting, if I say Nicoa. You know, tell me about the people you're leading. And you tell me about those. And I say, Nicole, would it be helpful if you had some great questions to ask them? Oh, yeah. Here's some questions you might want to ask them. And, oh, there's a principle. I'm going to really go around the barn here. That's fine. Take your time. The one room schoolhouse existed out of necessity, meaning there weren't enough students. And again, the one room schoolhouse started when, when kids had to get to school, either walking or on horseback. It wasn't a matter of you know, today, we can get in the car and go 20 miles in 20 minutes. But it had to be, you know, that close. And so there might be 20 students, and they're of all different ages, and they have that one teacher's one room schoolhouse. It was not there because of educational design. But it turns out, it was an incredible educational design. The teacher went, you know, class to class. Here's the first graders and she spent so much time with them. And she moved on to the third graders. And at any rate, they came home that night. family had a couple of kids, different ages. And the mom asked the sixth grader. What do you study in school today? In the first grader answers, they learned about Australia. And it's like, Wait a minute. The sixth grader was still learning about Australia, but the first grader was listening. And the principle was, we often learn best when we don't know we're supposed to be learning. That's a really think on that for a moment. For sure. If I say Nick Cole, here's what you need to know and learn. You there's kind of who we step back. But if we're eavesdropping on something, so to speak, it ends up we absorb it, it just a fascinating thing that we learn best from we don't know we're supposed to be learning. And so instead of Nicole, here's the questions you need to ask. Nicole, I've discovered some great questions that you could share with the leaders you work with. And in the process, the nickel drops, and you begin to think about them yourselves. It's It's just what I've discovered. There's that for yourself.

Nicoa Coach:

Yeah, it does so for yourself. So I began to ask these questions of my team or my family or of my children, or of my colleagues and you know, an organization I'm in and then I begin to wonder for myself, that's actually a beautiful way to articulate that. You know, I often you can't come up with the questions to ask others or till you know what your goal is right? You know, how can we help people know which questions make the most sense? I mean, I don't know how let's talk about that. How do I know what question to ask if, if I'm working with, you know, let's, let's put it in Word with my family. I'm trying to get something accomplished. How do I know what questions to ask them to get more collaboration? Again,

BOB TIEDE:

a fabulous, fabulous question. So often, you know, it's like you say, you want more collaboration, and you're thinking of a specific area. And you may even be, it may be around a challenge or problem, something you're wanting to solve. And something I've discovered is, if we start by drilling on a problem. Like, again, we don't get the best response. And a number of years ago, I met a consultant. He shared that he makes a handsome six figure income. And then he shared he only asked for questions. And that he was not a subject matter expert. He said, I use the same four questions, if I'm with the head of an airline company, the head of a pharmaceutical company, the head of a computer company. He said, might you be curious to what my four questions are? And I said, Yes. I'd love to hear him. I'd love if I can write them down. He said, I'd be disappointed if you didn't write them down. And the four questions were number one, what's going well, number two, what's not? Number three? Where are you stuck? Number four, what needs to change? And then he's, once I wrote him down, he said, Bob, don't miss that first question. What's going well, he said, If I'm consulting with a new person, and eight o'clock in the morning, I asked the second question, what's not going well, Nicoa? He said, I won't get an honest answer. No one at 8am wants to confess. Yeah, we're a bunch of losers here. He said, so I started with question one. And he has a bunch of follow ups to How'd you figure that out? And wow. And, you know, that's so good. Tell me more about that. But by the time he's done with question one on what's going well, he says they're thinking that I'm thinking they're one of the most brilliant leaders I've ever spent time with. That's right. You said that sets the stage for question two, what's not going well. And I was on a podcast number of years ago with Tom Ziggler. And I was rehearsing what I've just shared here. And Tom Ziglar, said, Bob, did I tell you why that first question is so important? And I said, Well, Tom, it's your podcast, you can say anything you want. He said, Well, I've studied Gainsight. And he said, When the brain is processing, positive things, positive endorphins are firing, he said, that is the best place in which to actually solve problems. He said, the leader or I'm going to say, in your situation, the family member who immediately wants to address the problem. You have people in the wrong space in which there really sow problems. So and I realized that I've shared that that so often, again, as a leader, or as a father, it's like, hey, there's a problem we need to solve. And you immediately just drill in on that. Not understanding that you may be making your team or your family or your child, or your spouse feeling like my husband, my dad, my boss thinks I'm a loser here. And and then it's productive. And we saw need to take that because there are so many great things going and we need to take the time to appreciate to celebrate, to talk about the good thing, right? Context, yes, we've got an issue to solve. But there's so many things to celebrate,

Nicoa Coach:

Bob, I like what you said, I want to hang our hats on that. What it's really about strengths, right? So when we launched StrengthsFinder, 2.0. And the whole concept of talking with someone first and foremost about their strengths, really builds them up. And I believe in use this in one on one coaching sessions where I'll say, you know, wow, it's really amazing. As an example, with one employee when I worked back at a while, I won't say it was either GE or Thermo Fisher, one or the other. And this employee was really great, strong, assertive, had lots of experience and a lot of solutions to offer to the organization as we were looking at process improvement. And this individual would go down to the manufacturing facilities around the country, and they ended up what we would say later in the Human Resources world, they would leave awake Now, they made a difference. But they didn't realize that they were leaving this ripple effect that was a negatively perceived wake, if you will. So when we gave him his constructive feedback and his performance review, we say, You know what, you're really quite powerful. We really love how strong you are, how assertive you are, in, you know, how much you bring to the table and how many problems you've helped solve, you really bring new insights down to the, to the manufacturing floor, I bet you didn't even realize that sometimes that strength, and that assertiveness, it might be perceived as, in some cases, kind of too much or bullying. And the person that we were giving the feedback to felt really great. They were like, yeah, and then they were much more willing and able to hear the constructive feedback. Oh, really? People think I'm bullying. So yeah, I'm sure you didn't even recognize that it came across that way. So we're validating them and giving them the benefit of the doubt, in order for them to be able to observe their behavior, and then take action towards Oh, wow, I wonder what I could do. Let me reel back my strength versus say, Oh, my God, I have a problem I have to fix. So I think we can apply that into the family dynamic as well. And so you know, what is our family do really well? Yeah.

BOB TIEDE:

I love that story. Now,

Nicoa Coach:

I have a question for you. You're a You're a father, a grandfather, you have four children. And is it eight grandchildren? Yes. So I'm an empty nester this year. And I'm also I'm dealing with an aging mother. And even this morning, I'm on a call with my aging mother. With all due respect, mom, she's 83. And my 19 year old needs to talk right at the same time, right? But I'm also trying to have this empty nest like nobody's here. It's great. My husband and I, how could I help myself with questions? Let's just play to really find maybe not balanced, but an integration of all of my responsibilities and still celebrate having this empty nest. But what questions could I be asking myself to best prepare for this next stage? Because I'm only about five months in?

BOB TIEDE:

Wow. Well, whenever I have a conversation like that, I always ask this question and call, what do you think would be the great questions to ask at this point?

Nicoa Coach:

Well, my favorite question to ask Bob is, what do I want? And how is what I'm doing getting me what I want? And so right now, the reason I'm asking for questions, because I don't actually know what I want it to look like, because I've never done it before. So maybe you've been there done that? What questions do were you asking yourself, when you started kicking the kids out, and you probably had some aging parents to deal with as well.

BOB TIEDE:

I'm thinking of three in these are really simple. What am I parents need? Now, how can I show up for them? Because I was blessed with incredible parents. They're now both passed. But you know, in those last years, I, I live in Texas, I grew up in South Dakota, made many trips back to South Dakota during their last years. Because I wanted to be there with them. And I get emotional thinking about it. But what do they need? And then with your kids, it's like, okay, what do they need at this point? And understanding the the relationship, you know, how do I need to transition this? Sometimes, and I realized I'd probably a slow learner. I kept them mentally in diapers longer than I needed to and then I kept them in other words, instead of changing how we relate to them as they grow. As a dad, I would tend to be two steps back. But having to make the transition to understand my 19 year old in college. They really are on their own. Yeah, they in many ways, don't want to hear dad tell them what to do. But they still want to know dad cares about him. Dad loves right, that that is there for them. But just to think through that to think okay, what do they need for me? And it's like, okay, they don't need to be told a whole bunch of stuff. They might be polite enough to listen and roll their eyes when you can't see them. Like there he goes again. Thank you I know nothing. Yeah, but but if you can get in tune with what appears need, what are my teens need? What am I, you know, out of the home kids need? And then in this new season, what does my spouse need? And what do I need? What What's this give us freedom to now do? And the answer is, you know, they can change. We've been empty nesters for a while, it's still the same question. What do we need in this season?

Nicoa Coach:

Yeah, I think you're right. I mean, I have to, we have to give ourselves permission to ask ourselves those questions and not put all of our energy into in many cases, many of my listeners and many women that I coach and work with, you know, they, they continue to hold on to the identities that they have as the caregiver for their parent or their child without really strategically caring for themselves in the process and giving themselves permission to dream about it. I will say a question that we started asking ourselves now I'm in my second marriage, and we've been together just over five years, is that we had the advantage of asking ourselves what we wanted in our partnership, knowing we were soon to be empty nesters. So that was that was a privilege, I think. Sure. Tell me more about your your life. Bob, I'm curious about the work that you do growing leaders, that crew and how, you know, I know that you're, you're clearly a man of faith, you're a participant in this organization for so long. How does faith influence the way you lead? In your role? With crew?

BOB TIEDE:

Oh, well, I'm sure there's so many ways, Nicole, I'm sure that, you know, it's like a fish doesn't know they're in water. But yeah, I think you know, one of the things that just knowing that every person I ever meet, God created them, great. God sees infinite value in them. And, and that God made no junk. Every person is valuable, right. And, and another understanding is that we're all human. And, and so often, let's say we encounter a rude person, it just always helps me to think I bet there's a story behind that. That I don't know. But if I knew the story, if I knew what they were struggling with, I probably have compassion. And so I can choose to be compassionate, even though you know, in some cases, somebody's rude and passing. And it's like, I'll never know their story. And I'll never see him again. But just helpful to think. I bet there's a story there. And and then, you know, for me, it's also that God actually desires to have a relationship with each person. And, and cares about them. Another thing that's just part of my water is that life on Earth is brief. Eternity is long. And how can we use these years to prepare for eternity, one of my colleagues once encountered a gentleman, really good man, who since age 21, had saved very disciplined for his retirement. And at 65, he retired and I mean, had it completely together. Be a model of preparing for retirement. And my colleague encountered him and wanted to share with him about Christ. And the man said, Wait a minute, he said, I don't mean any disrespect, but I have no interest whatsoever. Okay. And my colleagues shared, he said, This just came to him. And he had never thought this before, but just came to him. And so he said, wow, it appears you've really prepared for retirement. Tell me about that. And the man, you know, waxed on of all how he did it, kind of thing. He said, Now, if I understand right now, you're 66. Is that right? Yes. He said, How long do you expect to live? And the man said, Well, we have pretty good genes in my family, you know, I'm thinking 8590. And he said, Well, you know, I hope you even go beyond that. But let me just kind of understand you spent over 40 years preparing for the next 2530 years, is that correct? He said, Yes. He said now once you die, how long will that be? The man looked him a little weird. So I think that's forever. said, Well, how much time you've spent, you know, all these years preparing for 25 or 30 years? How many? How much time have you spent preparing for eternity? The man thought a while and said, Hmm, maybe I do need to hear about Christ. And so that's all a part of my story.

Nicoa Coach:

As part of your story, it's so yeah, tell me about that role with leadership. So when you're really you're really the point person for developing some of your young leaders in their 20s and 30s. You know, what is the what type of questions are you asking them?

BOB TIEDE:

Well, let me just clarify something. I'm on a great team, leadership development team for crews, a great team. I'm one of the team members, this is not something I do by myself. And my role on the team, Nicole is they really become recruiting outstanding leaders from outside of our organization. Many are from business, some are military, government, other nonprofits education, but outside leaders to coach crew leaders. And we have right now 130 outside leaders coaching 130, crew leaders making a commitment to do so every other week for two years. And these outside leaders do IT pro bono kiddingly, sometimes they go, I tell them, they're good for nothing. They all laugh, they all laugh at that knowing knowing what I mean. But it's been a game changer for our leaders. Our leaders frequently say, Bob, I've never had anyone in my life spend as much time with me as my coach. And they have no agenda, other than wanting to help me grow as a leader. And at first, I thought that was just a one way street. And then I began to hear from our coaches, these outside leaders saying Bob, I signed up just to be a giver, here just to help a crew leader develop, I had no idea that I'd be the one who would be growing. And I'm learning so much as experience, I'm a better leader back at my company. Now, let me also say, you know, our Stated simply, our goal is to develop the next generation of leaders for crew. But I share in an elevator speech that in 15 to 20 years, this is true of almost every organization and 15 to 20 years, the leaders who are now leading won't be leading, and the leaders who will be leading are the leaders you're now developing. But if you fail to be developing that next generation of leaders, your company, your organization, it won't fail tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year, but it may fail 15 to 20 years from now. And when you study history, it happens so often that companies organizations for profit nonprofit that were just at the top of their game 15 to 20 years later may not even exist or a shell of themselves. I mean, you dig around, almost always one of the ingredients was there was no intention to develop the next generation of leaders, it was like the current leaders thought they would live forever. And so we intentionally work on preparing that next generation because it's inevitable time will pass. And there will be a next generation of leaders. We hope for better but if you're not preparing them, it could well be for worse. And so in developing leaders, right. Nicole, again, we use a question model in coaching a crew leader, but this is coaching is probably what you do. Nicole, when you coach instead of let me tell you, the coach says to the crew leader, what would you like us to work on today? The leader sets the agenda. Well, here's the area. The next question is Well, tell me more about that. Now, the crew leader thinks Wow, my coach is really interested they are but the coach knows that if the core leader will tell more they will actually understand it better. And and then we'll what are your options? What What would I'm sorry before they're telling me the goal here and we want something measurable. And then what's your plan? And oh, there's another one? Here's the goal. The next question is Well, where are you at now? It's like in the old days, navigating a map you always needed to place here where I want to go, here's where I'm at now, then you can do the plan. I realized we have navigation that helps us today. But in life, here's where I want to go. But here's where I'm at. So what's your plan to get there? And you're just leading them with questions. And many of the questions are not, they're not complicated once you think about it. What do you want us to work on? They're not the goal. Yeah, what's the plan? And, and then kind of the last question in a coaching session, I guess it's the two last questions. Can we confirm? Or next time we still good two weeks from today? Same time. And then the final question is, so between now meeting today, and then two weeks from now, what steps do you want to take to start making progress? And then that actually leads to the next coaching session, after the niceties. Hey, how you doing? How's the family, it's like, hey, you know, two weeks ago, by the day, you wanted to do A, B, and C, tell me how that's gone. And, again, the coach can't fire them, the coach can't promote them. But just knowing this person is spending their valuable time with me creates a healthy accountability of my coach actually expects that I would do what I said I wanted to do. They didn't tell me what I was supposed to do these two weeks, I said, this is what I wanted to do. And now they're requiring did I do what I said?

Nicoa Coach:

That's right. You're talking about accountability? I mean, yeah, yeah. How do they hold themselves accountable from the goal setting? You know, I'll add a question to that process, which is, when you know, when they when they set the goal, I really like to ask them, how will you know that you've been successful? What will life look like? When that is accomplished, you may not know how to get there today. And you may not know the steps you're gonna take. But if we can spend a lot of time visioning that outcome, it makes it a lot easier for us to stay motivated, to hold ourselves accountable to taking the actions. And then you're right, your leadership style, the coaches that you've aligned with crew, by the way, super best practice. I mean, I come from the world of General Electric, where they never in the decades they were at their peak, they never cut, talent development, spending, and leadership development opportunities. They never cut it. And that's been a significant piece of my foundation. So a coach is a guide, you know, leading with quite a few guys don't have these books. I mean, I'm serious. I'm putting every single one of these books in the in the, in the show notes. Because you can leverage these questions, not only with teams with organizations, but start asking questions in your family, start asking questions of yourself, because that's the power of solutioning. You can't figure it all out, unless a question is asked. So I'm really intrigued by our interaction. And, oh, I was going to validate your concept around faith. Now, I don't happen to be particularly aligned to any one faith. I know that the organization of crew is interdenominational. And that's beautiful because in your opening your, your your opening people that can align with what matters most to them. But I have found that in my coaching, work with my clients, those who have some sort of defined faith, I don't care if it's faith in energy, faith and spirituality, faith in Jesus God, whatever the universe, if there is something greater than themselves, they are more likely to find peace, satisfaction and confidence and hope in moving forward in their lives. There's no melancholy there's no defeatism, there's no victimhood, there's less of it. Or if they do find themselves going there, it's a lot easier for them to pull their bootstraps up and move towards what it is that they really crave in their life because I have some sort of defined faith. It can be faith in nature, you know, Mother Earth, it doesn't matter. I'm sure you found the same.

BOB TIEDE:

When we're connected to eternity, to something outside of ourselves, it just makes a huge difference.

Jennifer Gardner:

It does. We hope you're enjoying listening to this episode of Coffee with Nicoa. Make sure to subscribe so that you never miss an episode and follow Coffee with Nicoa on Instagram to find inspiring content that will help you begin creating your life by design.

Nicoa Coach:

Tell me Is there any defining moment right now people call it the OG moment like the the origin story, the original story that head shifts should you in your life, like shifted the way in which you see the world? Have you always been this content? Maybe that's really the question, or did you have some defining moments that you'd like to share with our audience today to help them help themselves? overcome many challenges?

BOB TIEDE:

Oh, there have been so many I can think of three things. And, you know, my personal face story Nicoa. I can describe, if we think of an iceberg, I can describe it so quickly. And that, you know, we see only the top part here. I went to the University of South Dakota, I joined a fraternity. About two months into that experience, came down for dinner at our fraternity house and there was a group of fraternity men from Iowa State, I was at the University of South Dakota. In our living room, we introduced ourselves a dinner bell rang, we went into the dining room, our president said, Gentlemen, we have some new friends here from Iowa State, they're all involved in the fraternity system there. They're also involved with the student movement called Campus Crusade for Christ, they're going to be our Monday night speakers. So after dinner, I invite all of you to go in the living room, we all went 50 of us, I could take you to exactly where I was seated on the carpet. Three of them shared how they'd come to Christ at Iowa State. The fourth one shared how we could come to Christ. In the end, it was saying that he was going to pray a prayer out loud. And if we wanted to invite Jesus into our heart, we could pray that prayer silently. And I remember praying, I had no idea that that would change my life. It did. But fast forward, my wife and I are actually then joining 52 years ago, the staff of crew. And we stopped by to see my maternal grandfather. Now he lived about 30 miles from where I grew up. My mother was one of eight children. And even though we had grown up seeing grandpa and grandma, often it was usually on a Sunday afternoon. And the house was filled with first cousins. So there's lots of kids to play with. And I certainly got a hug and a pat on the head. And how are you, Robert? But I don't ever remember a one on one time. Well, we stopped by my grandmother had passed, and we're just my grandpa, and Sherry and I. And we were sharing what we're going to do. He thought that was great. I stood up said, Hey, we gotta go grandpa, of course, you'll need to pray for us. Just kind of the Christian thing to say. And at that point, time stopped. He looked at me in the eye and said, Robert, Robert, Robert, don't you know, from the day we heard your mother was pregnant, we didn't know if you're a boy or girl done. Until this day, there's never been a day I haven't prayed for you. And he started having tears. His tears cause me to have tears. And we sat down and for the next two hours, he told me stories I'd never known. But the first story he told me said, Robert, the day you were born. We had to go milk the cows before we could travel the 30 miles to come see the new baby. Your grandmother went out together the cows when she came back to the barn with the cows. He said I could see something happened to her her name was Mary. He said, Mary what happened? And she said God spoke to me. And he said, What? The Gospel? What do you mean? She's Oh, God spoke to me. And he said, Well, what did God tell you? And he said, Well, God told me that Robert is going to serve the Lord. Now Nicoa I never knew that story. And I was 22. And in the thing, that story happened the day I was born, and I did not experience my grandmother, as somebody who constantly walked around saying, I have a word of from God for you. She never shared that way. I would have not known it. But you know, I share that. Yeah, these guys spoke in my fraternity house and I respond, but the impact the water, that word grandparents praying for me every day. Those are events, I still can't wrap my head around. Like I can't explain them. In the scriptures. There's a phrase frequently used a Mary the mother of Jesus when it said and she pondered these things in her heart. And I've always kind of interpret that to mean Mary knew a only God, but she couldn't have explained it to us in a let me explain how that works. She couldn't explain it. But she pondered. Yeah, that was a god event only God. And so I'm sure for me wasn't knowing. Yeah, there's there's events in our lives and we say, Ah God event, but I can't explain it does

Nicoa Coach:

make you wonder. It makes you wonder how destined everything is. And I like to think that the world and all of these experiences are happening for us sounds like just like your journey, that you're able to see those moments that were lifting you and validating you. Well,

BOB TIEDE:

one of my favorite scriptures, and I love all the scriptures. And a goal, this is true for you and I, there's a scripture that says man plans his way, but God orders are footsteps. And I look at my life. And, Nicole, here's an exercise I asked people to do from time to time. So listener may want to do this is to write down the names of your 10 most important relationships outside of family members. And once you have them listed, then ask yourself which which category they fall into. I know this person is a result of strategy. Now strategy isn't wrong, Nicole, maybe you know, Barbara, and I'd like to know Barbara, and I say, Nicole, do you know Barbara? Yeah, Bob, I know. Barbara, would you be? Well, I'd like to know her, Would you be willing to introduce me so sure. That strategy, and again, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But the second category is, ah, God ordered our footsteps. Yeah, I had no plan to meet that person. We just connected, it's just a god connection. It wasn't a result of strategy. And for most of us that list of 10 eight or nine of the 10 are going to be God ordered our footsteps. And as a result of that, here's how that impacts me. That list of 10 isn't complete, until I pass over. Meaning even today, I may meet someone new. It again, I don't mean that every person you bump into is going to become a meaningful relationship. But I'm always aware it could be and, and hazing. How many people in life are a result of God ordered our footsteps. And for me, one of the applications is I don't want to be so focused on Bob's planned head down focus here that I miss the people God puts in my life today, this week, this year.

Nicoa Coach:

Oh, I love this exercise. I hope everybody will sit down and make their list of 10. If not more? No, that makes so much sense. And when I think about a life by design, sometimes I have gotten caught up in what is the message there? Am I telling you that you're constantly being strategically intentional about designing what it is that you want? No, not at all. I think that when I think designing, I think defining how you want to feel in life, and aligning that to whatever values mean the most to you. So one of the things that your story tells us is that you're you're open minded to possibility and you anticipate continued connections that could be, you know, driven by faith. And I find it to be critical that we aren't too restricted by the strategic life designing to your point. And I always ask people to add the following phrase when they're praying for asking for wishing for craving, is to say I really want to have this experience or this person or this thing. And then to add, or something even better, because we don't know what we don't know. And that's where divine intervention can come in. Or we're leaving it open and not resisting anything that doesn't look like what we defined. So or adding on or something even better, I think opens us up to that possibility.

BOB TIEDE:

Oh, it go. I love that reminds me of another story. So agree with us, though. Way back. On January 190 92. I was then leading Josh McDowell ministry and we took a huge humanitarian aid trip to Russia, landing in Russia on January 1 1992. When we plan this trip, we pray that God would raise up 40 volunteers to go with us. God actually raised up 160 volunteers. And it wasn't until we were there that we realized 40 would have never gotten the job done. It took 160. And, and I just imagine so many times, we have such a wonderful Heavenly Father, that as we prayed for 40, he smiled and said, those are good kids praying for 40. But they have no clue what they actually going to need. I'm going to send them what they need, not what they're praying for. And and so that right, your your thing, there are something better prompted my reminder that sometimes our Heavenly Father doesn't give us what we asked for He gives us what we actually need. And don't we do the same with our kids? We're not God, but I'm saying we so often, especially when they were small, we actually knew fully what they needed. And we provide it what they need it not necessarily what they asked for.

Nicoa Coach:

You know, that's interesting. I had a dream last night. That there, it was very complicated. So I won't, I won't share the whole dream house. But there was a scene where I was seated. And there were these other families all seated, and we were just getting to know each other. And I said, Oh, yeah, our young adult children are here with us. We're on like a vacation. And they all were saying the same and and I said, Oh, there they are. They're headed towards the beach right now. And the other parents were like, oh, yeah, your kids are with our kids. And I was like, Oh, is that those your kids? And we're looking down at this kind of crowd, maybe eight kids. And I mean, kids, they're in their 20s. And they're walking down the path and then they stop. Now, as I say, a dream out loud, isn't it always so much more profound? So they are walking down the path. And they're headed towards the beach? And I say I noticed they stop, they pause. And I stand up and say, Oh, do they need something? Now we're at arm's length, were we we're not even near them. They can't even hear us. And I'm like, Oh, do they need something? Like, I'm thinking do I need to give them something for them to make their time at the beach better, or they've paused, they must not have everything they need. And this one woman who was much older than me, she said, Sit down, sit down. They don't need you. Let them figure it out. And I thought this is the most profound dream I've had in a long time. But they do they, it's their journey. It's their path. And although we know how to give them what they need, when they were young, we were the only ones that could, but now they're not. And I have to let go and let the universe let God let whomever guide them and let them make those choices. And it's time for me to sit down and put my feet up, don't think.

BOB TIEDE:

Yeah, so call that reminds me again of I guess this this piece of wisdom. You know, Staff family, from time to time will come and ask, What should I do? And, you know, as a boss that can make you feel good, my staff are coming. They're asking me what should they do? And so I tell them, but a leader who does that, over time will develop a group of followers who'd like to be told what to do. But I think the job of leadership is to develop a group of leaders. And, and you don't develop a group of leaders by telling them making decisions for them. And so one phrase I like, is someone comes and asks, What should I do? And maybe you say, you know, what are your options, and they share your options. So what you decide. And just that phrase, you decide. And think, again, is that 19 year old, calls mom and says mom, hey, how about this, that or the other thing, and again, all their suggestions, or all of them are fine. And just saying sure you decide?

Nicoa Coach:

I would add the phrase, I'm confident that you can figure it out. Because really, as parents, we're trying to instill trust in them, so they can trust themselves. And you know, I also have learned to ask them, What do you need from me right now? Do you need me to solve it? And my if my kids are listening, they're like, Yeah, you do this like one out of 10 times, mom, so I get it. I'm still learning but do you if you need me to solve it? Do you want me to give you advice? Do you want me to just listen, because they know I have 15 opinions. I saw a woman the other day say the best response you can give a teenager is the following. Mm hmm. Uh huh. Just don't say.

BOB TIEDE:

Nicole, I I think we have a lot of people going the wrong direction. I read somewhere recently about how many parents are going on job interviews with their adult kids.

Nicoa Coach:

Can you imagine stop it? That's old? I think they call those the helicopter parent, right? Well, now I come from a generation where I recognize that I was what is referred to as a lawnmower parent or a snowplow parent, which, because we have, in many cases been able to learn so much and create such wealth and opportunity and privilege for so many kids, that when they go to do something, will say, Oh, let me call three people, here's the email, you should probably send and don't forget, here's a suit, I'm going to recommend you where I'm doing everything I can to clear the path for them, you know, you know, did you want me to drive you? I mean, it's really unfortunate. I hope that my I mean, clearly my kids are self sustaining sounds like yours are to having babies and living their best lives. But I hope people will begin to start questioning themselves, you know, is what I'm about to say or do. Enabling my child's sustainability is what I'm about to say or do or ask, going to help them be self sustaining law abiding citizens? Can they stand on their own two feet. And that can start as early as I can remember, my 11 year old said, I really want us to have pizza for dinner. And I said, Okay, great. Here's the phone, call it an order the pizza, and he panicked. And I was like, we're gonna sit right here next to you. And I want you to dial the phone number and order the pizza. If you have a question, you can put your hand over the phone and ask us, but you can do this to the point where by the time they were in high school, you know, I'm having to make their own doctor's appointments. I mean, I'm like, I got it, help them help themselves. And I wish I wish I'd had more questions, though, over over the time. I don't regret that I didn't. But I definitely my grandkids are going to be well versed in answering questions from their grandmama. Tell me about how you do that with your grandchildren. And then I want to find out what else you're working on these days. So share a little bit of wisdom from grandparenting.

BOB TIEDE:

Well, I'm telling you about my we have eight grandkids, they their range in age from 26 to one. If you can imagine, oh, gosh, what a rage. But I'm thinking right now my 16 year old granddaughter. When she was two, she would have a habit of asking you a question and running away before you could answer. And I would have to grab her she was also a little bit or maybe a lot shy. And but here's what allowed us to begin to relate one another. I would say Claire, can I ask you a tough question? And she would nod her head and say Come sit on my lap. And I'm going to ask you a tough question. And you know, for a two or three year old, they weren't tough, but it was questions like you know, eight copy cats sitting on a fence one jumps off, how many are still sitting? And once she understood that turned around and asked me a tough question with copycats. And but but it was always asking a question that would allow her to come. And then as they got older, I think this is with all my grandkids. You instead of hey, what do you learn in school today? I would ask, What questions did you ask today? And at any rate, my 16 year old now told me that she has a reputation among her teachers of when she raises her hand. They know they're going to be asked a tough question and she's not trying to embarrass them. But she will ask a tough question about now how to, you know, whatever, putting it together. Yeah. And she said they now know that when I raised my hand, this isn't just like, you know, some simple thing. They're going to have to think and as a result again, she's she's a very respectful, young lady, so it's never too sure as a teacher, but but they know it won't be a routine question. And she at 16 She has her life mapped out and wants to become an attorney. But there's an example of someone who understands the power or have questions? That's right. And so yeah, you know, that's been repeated. I think all of our kids have grown and understanding the power of questions. I mean, I look at my life and say, Wow, I only wish that at 16, I'd understood the value of a question. I had no idea. You know, for so many of us. When we think questions, we think they were all part of a test. Now words, we got asked questions in school. And either we knew the answer, and we looked good, or we didn't know the answer. And it was embarrassing. And so sometimes we're hesitant to ask people questions, because in our paradigm, questions are always about a test. And, and so often they end up Yeah, I don't know, therefore, I'm embarrassed. And understanding that yeah, I

Nicoa Coach:

can remember many panicking moments of being asked questions. And my father used to ask me questions, he would say, you know how many when you go to class today, I want you to come home and tell me how many feet are in a mile or how many furlongs are in a mile and right this minute, like I would panic trying to answer this. And my mother even recently had had the dementia questions, and we were in the room. And the questions were tricky. And I was panicking about those questions. And I'm, like I said, 55 years old. So if we can create a safe space for questioning, just like your example, where we start asking those questions and telling our children and our grandchildren, that they can handle it. So you are role modeling for Claire, that not only can you handle answering a tough question, you can ask one and look at her, she'll be in the world of questioning as a result in her career. So I love that story. I'm really grateful that you shared it. I hope everyone listening will take some words of wisdom from from our conversation today and start asking everybody, you know, Thermo Fisher Scientific had a campaign once called question everything, question everything. And I think that is how I'd like us to leave this. Can we just question everything? And and that way, you're beginning to answer on your own terms? Yeah. Why am I doing this? What do I want? What does matter to me? What, what is happening? And what do I want to see happening? For me moving forward? What do you think?

BOB TIEDE:

I think a lot of things, but I love what you just shared. And I'm wondering, as we move toward wrap up, can I share what has become my favorite question to ask people to build relationships? I call this a platinum question. And I define it this way, you know, you and I ask a lot of questions for our own benefit. We're asking because we don't know Hey, which direction? You know, I'm at your house. How do I get to Walmart from here? And you tell me Well, I'm doing that, for my benefit. They didn't help you. You just helped me by answering. But a platinum question is a question that, again, never ever, you know, makes you feel like judged or like this is a test. But it draws something out of you that you've never thought about before. And you actually enjoy answering and it actually teaches you gives you insight into yourself. And you ended up not only enjoying answering, but it teaches you something you're glad you were asked and I got this question from Cheryl batch elders book dare to serve. Cheryl was the CEO of Popeyes chicken for a number of years. Under her leadership shares went from $10 A share to $60 a share. And in this book, she asked How well do you know your staff? Do you know the three to four events that have most shaped their life? And whenever I hear or read a great question, I can hardly wait to find somebody to ask. And on that day, 20 minutes after I read the question. I'm on a zoom coaching call with one of my colleagues in Canada that I have the privilege of coaching I've known Neil since 2007. I thought I knew Neil's whole story but I said Neil, I just read this great question. I love to ask. He said Bob, you know, I love great questions. What's the question? I said, Neil, what would you say are the three to four events that are most shaped who you are today? And you'll say Well, Bob, have I ever shared with you that my birth father died when I was nine months old? And I know Neil, I don't know that story. He said, Well, Bob, my mother, you know, remarried and the man who's really my stepfather is the man who in my heart is my dad. because he's the only dad I've ever known, I have no memory of my birth father, at nine months, I have no memory. But he said the story has been shared with me so many times. That in the final weeks of his life, he knew he was dying. He was in a big bed at home. And every day he would ask to hold me. And every day as he helped me, you know, my mom, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles have told me that he would pray over me and ask that God, the heavenly Father, would be a father to his son that he knew he was not going to live to raise, do begin to have tears shared that I began to have tears. And I must say the first time ever asked that question, Neil was the most emotional response I've ever received. But every single time I asked this question of somebody, the answers are always fascinating. And they almost always say, Bob, thank you. I've never thought about this question before. I've never thought about what are the events that are most shaped my life. And usually, there's a story with every one of those and I always say, and tomorrow you make, you may think, Oh, I forgot about, you know, so this isn't like, Okay, right? You know, you're signing this in blood to be the only three or four. But and when I'm speaking, I use this as a conversation exercise, I share the story, I do share. And then I say I want Hey, everybody stand up. Find a partner. And I'm going to give you eight minutes, four minutes each to answer. Now, truthfully, you're not going to be able to share the stories, you're only gonna gonna be able to name the events. But I give you permission later. So you've got to tell me the story. And so they have this eight minute conversation really only four minutes each answering this question. And when they come back together, I say, How many of you would say that you now know more about this person you've just spent this eight minutes with and some friends you've known for 20 years? Every hand goes up? And I say you know those friends you've known for 20 years? How could you find out? What are the three to four events that are most shaped who they are? Light bulb? I could ask them? Of course,

Nicoa Coach:

I get asked them? Yeah. I love that. Bob. Thank you. What's the one more thing you'd love to share with us today?

BOB TIEDE:

Well, the goal, the one more thing would be what are the three to four events that have most shaped your life? Oh,

Nicoa Coach:

my gosh, well, there is an interview on my podcast that might be significantly answering that question. It's the very first episode. So I will send people there, because we actually don't have enough time for me to answer that. But I will say that learning now learning that I have the power to ask myself the questions that I was not asking myself and the first 25 years of my career and the first, you know, 40 years of my life, that is a determining moment. And when I've realized that I could do that, then my life became an open book. I mean, I felt more liberated and free than ever before. So you are validating that for us today. You are not only validating it in this conversation, you have all these resources available to everybody. Is there anything that you want to share with people about how they can find you? Or you're working on? Of course, I'll put things in the show notes. But go ahead.

BOB TIEDE:

Well, first, my blog leading with questions.com, as you said the 11th year followed by leaders in 200 countries. They call I don't know leaders in 200 countries, but the Internet creates this accessibility. But if listeners viewers will just go to leading with questions.com cursor bit to the bottom of that first page there a place to enter your email, click on subscribe and every Monday and Thursday into your inbox, we'll come turn key ready questions you can use to ask family colleagues, friends, new friends, and subscribing is free. Then second, you've mentioned my books. The first five are actually free ebooks. Again, if you go to my blog leading with questions.com. On the top you'll see the word books if you click on that, you'll have access to download all these free ebooks. Several of them are also free audiobooks. And they're also available in Spanish, Portuguese, French, Polish, Albanian, Farsi, Urdu, multiple languages with more being added all available so even if you have friends who are fluent in English, but their first language was another language they might well appreciate. And you can share it with them. And so, then my newest book, right here leading with question Today is the third edition with Dr. Michael Marquardt. It's available on Amazon. And when you go there, make sure you look for the blue cover, which is the third edition, you will find the previous editions. But the blue covers the latest and we are so thrilled when it was released for a number of weeks, it was the number one best seller on Amazon in the category of business communication. And and now are publicly tells us that since April, it's been in the top 10% of all business books sold. So the response is really been tremendous. But it's available on Amazon or wherever books are sold. But look for the third edition. But Nicole, thank you so much. This has been so much fun to be with you. You are a great host.

Nicoa Coach:

Oh, well, thank you, I I'm not surprised at all the success of your books. And I love that you just mentioned that it's in all those languages. My daughter is learning Farsi. So I'm gonna get a copy of the Farsi edition and send it to her. So she can not only gain great insights, but practice her second language. And Bob, thank you. I love questions. And I think that you're I was going to make a recommendation to you one of the my favorite gifts that I like to give people are Table Topics. They come in a little Lucite box, and you put them on the table right for your dining room table. When you have friends and family over you pull the cards and ask the questions. I invite you and your colleague to make Table Topics, leading with questions, Table Topics and sell those as cards to organizations so they can leave them in their conference rooms on the tables to have more engagement. I just think as an HR professional for 20 plus years that would help cultures bond individuals bond even if it's a meeting of of outsiders coming in. To your point. You may not have time for the tell me the two or three key events in your life. But the question you pull from your table topics might actually be a profound one. So that's my my marketing suggestion for you.

BOB TIEDE:

Fantastic. That's a great idea.

Nicoa Coach:

All right, just give me a shout out when you publish all those and sell them. I'll be your first purchaser. Okay, Bob, thank you. I appreciate you. And I send you off for a wonderful weekend. And you hang on real quick and we'll wrap this up. Thank you and everybody. Thanks for listening to Coffee with Nicoa.

Jennifer Gardner:

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicoa for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow Coffee with Nicoa and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N I CoA. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then