Espresso Shot 5: SELF GASLIGHTING

What the what?!? Recently Nicoa had a bit of an epiphany about self talk being self gaslighting. She shares some pretty vulnerable insights into her own self talk habits. They aren't pretty. And although that's the her old way it is STILL something she sees hints of in her way of Being as she continues to heal while practicing self love with strategic self care practices she KNOWS work. It's a journey of self-awareness. Take a listen to her new knowing, her real knowing of her own worth and see if it resonates with YOU and yours  -- JOURNAL ABOUT IT --  and let Nicoa know what you think!

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Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:02

sometimes don't you just need a quick moment of inspiration? Or maybe you just need a moment of caffeinated contemplation to reflect on life. That's the idea behind my weekly coffee with Nicola espresso shots. I'll be sharing short jolts of inspiration in each clip. In addition to my longer Coffee with Nicoa interview episodes, make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot, or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you. Hey, everybody, its Nicoa I'm coming to you live from the banks of Whiskey Creek. I still love saying that, but it's obviously not live. But you know, how everybody's talking about gaslighting, and people are being narcissistic, et cetera, et cetera. Well, and that's a critical topic, one that I'm not that well versed in, but I came across an article the other day by daily ohm, and it talks about gaslighting. And then it talked a little bit about self gaslighting. And an account that I was following on Instagram called we care ourselves underscore, also posted about self gaslighting. And I was like, wait a minute, and guess what you guys I think a lot of women in particular, are doing this themselves and they don't even recognize it as self gaslighting. So let me go. I just want to make sure I can help everybody listening by defining what gaslighting is. So I went back to that daily ohm article, which I really liked following daily ohm. They're not a sponsor, although I'd love for them to be, but you can go to daily da ydailyom.com. I'll put it in the show notes. But daily ohm has great articles about self help and self awareness. So let me just give you the definition of gaslighting. gaslighting is, according to Merriam Webster, the psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time. Keep that in mind, an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self esteem. Keep that part in mind loss of confidence and self esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability and a dependency on the perpetrator. Okay, that's gaslighting, right and we typically hear about gaslighting in toxic romantic partnerships, and we can often hear about them between parents and children. But in this case, I want to move you into this topic of self gaslighting. What the what? criticizing yourself also for not getting over it. Like for example, you've had some sort of traumatic incident or you're still upset about something someone said. And you know, you say to yourself, oh my gosh, Nicola, why can't you just get over this? And what really hit me. Now I'm sure your wheels are turning. Right? I mean, especially those of you who know how to look in a mirror and you forget to celebrate yourself. But when I read these, both of these articles, and in this post, I was like, wait a minute, I've actually been gaslighting myself for a very long time. You know, I'm sick this week. And the reason I'm even doing this episode is because I realized I don't have enough espresso shots to to post and a few weeks. So when you hear this, I will have just done this episode. And I gave myself a hard time about I was like, Oh my God Nicoa I can't believe you got sick. And now you can't even get these episodes done. What? And then I heard myself this week, apologizing to John because I was sick. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sick. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm still sick. Oh, Oh my god, I'm still sick. I can't believe it. I'm so sorry. He is really astute. He said, You don't need to apologize for being sick. But what the what? I don't know, y'all. But for me, now I'm gonna go back. For me. This is like an epiphany, like, and I have learned to be nice and kind to myself over the years. And I really don't have any kind of real, blatant abuse that goes on. Like I don't, I had to get over that a long time ago, like, I used to look in the mirror. And I would be so judgy I would be like, Oh my God, you look fat. There was a time where I actually wanted to hurt myself because of that like, like, Oh, if I got too upset, or I caused some sort of argument with my husband, like, I would want to know, this is very vulnerable. So I don't know if I've ever told anybody this except maybe John. But I can remember once like, like, Tarzan like hitting my chest. Because I was upset with myself. Now, that is just blatant self abuse. And so fortunately, fortunately, I've come to love myself and treat my body with, you know, the TLC that it deserves and treat myself like a queen. And I no longer self abuse in that way. But I'm finding with this little Aha, about self gaslighting, that, Oh, my God, maybe I am still subtly abusing myself verbally, you know, telling myself to get over it, telling myself, well, you're too needy, or you shouldn't, you shouldn't be, you shouldn't be sick anymore. Or you really shouldn't have said that, like, ruminating if I never want to hurt anybody's feelings. And sometimes that can be very direct. So there'll be times where I'll self judge afterwards, oh, maybe I was too direct. And, and I'll try to go back and be like, Uber sensitive about it, even though my natural tendency is to be direct. And I really shouldn't worry about what they thought, right? You know, this is, you know, just being honest. But at the end of the day, I found myself ruminating and self disparaging, and then saying, Oh, my God, Nicoa, you're just being too sensitive, or too emotional yourself, when it comes to trying to make everybody happy. Like, you should have just gotten over that. So these little underlying dialogues that we're having with ourselves, this is me, observing myself so intently, I really want to heal this part of me, that has been probably just brainwashed and, and societal influence has influenced me to say, Yeah, you're just being too tough on yourself, can I can I overcome that. So again, this account, we carry ourselves, you know, they talk about, you know, if you're blaming yourself for not handling things better, maybe you should acknowledge yourself for all the difficulties and challenges that you faced, and the strength that took to survive them. Maybe I should give myself a break, right when I'm sick, and just say, Oh, my gosh, of course, you're still sick, your body must need to heal more. There is no need to apologize. Your husband knows how to wash clothes and do dishes, just because you tend to do those things because you prefer to doesn't mean that you have to right now. So there's nothing to apologize about. Everybody in this house is capable of taking care of themselves. So, you know, instead of shaming myself or being too direct with someone or maybe even feeling anxiously needy, maybe I should acknowledge that, hey, sometimes that's just the way I am. And if I am feeling too needy, maybe, maybe my needs weren't being met. And that's what drives behavior is to ask for what you need. So, you know, shaming myself, abusing myself verbally, telling myself I'm not acting in the proper way. Isn't that over time, self gaslighting. And what does that do to me makes me insecure, anxious, makes me not love myself as easily. I think this is the next layer you guys. And that's why it was such an epiphany for me. Because it is those subtle words and your words are a wand and they are creating your reality. Is those subtle comments, get over it? Or are you still upset about that? Or I can't believe you did that Nicola. Those are still digging into my confidence, and my well being what do you think? What do you guys think? gaslighting is not just somebody else treating you inappropriately. It might just be you treating yourself in the most inappropriate way. So let's do this deep dive together. I'd love to hear what you guys think. Thanks for listening. And this is your journaling prompt for the week. Oh and real quick. Eric, here's a bonus for you. When you're journaling about this and you're really reflecting on whether or not you've been self gaslighting, could you please embed some of these thoughts that we know make a difference when you look in the mirror and you are really working on your self love. Remember to say to yourself, that you are enough. Your feelings are valid. You're not too much. You are doing better than your mind tells you that you are and you're not responsible for anybody else's behavior, only your own and that you are lovable, and capable. You can do anything you set your mind to, and you deserve to be kind to yourself. life by design. Thanks for listening. Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you. Hands On Wheels