Espresso Shot 24: Are You A Martyr?

August 14, 2023 NICOA DUNNE CORNELIUS Season 1 Episode 27
Espresso Shot 24: Are You A Martyr?
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Show Notes Transcript

Are YOU a Martyr? Nicoa sure knows how it feels to be a Martyr. Listen as she shares her personal experience learning how to move OUT of that feeling of Martyrdom. Learn what it would feel like to take RESPONSE-ABILITY for how YOU feel! What do you want? How is what you are doing getting you what you want? If you aren't getting what you want, are you willing to try a different way? That glass of wine may help in the short run, but Energy Leadership can help for a lifetime.

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Nicoa Coach:

sometimes don't you just need a quick moment of inspiration? Or maybe you just need a moment of caffeinated contemplation to reflect on life. That's the idea behind my weekly coffee with Nicola espresso shots. I'll be sharing short jolts of inspiration in each clip. In addition to my longer Coffee with Nicoa interview episodes, make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot, or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you. Hey, guys, it's Nicoa This is your espresso shot for the week. Actually, maybe I'll do like random espresso shots just like drop espresso shots. Like, let's do shots. Ready? Do you want me to do that? Like, whenever I think about it, instead of scheduling them, maybe that'd be more fun. Okay, I'm just gonna put that aside, please feel free to give me feedback if you think that's a good idea. Today's espresso shot playing the martyr. There's this level of energy in energy leadership called level one, right? It's the bottom of the seven levels of energy. And it's called the victim. This is really level one I've lost before I've even started. What was me, if you apply the concept, or the the phrase An eye for an eye to this view, through the energy level of one, an eye for an eye, I lost my eye. Woe is me. Right? Really being in that space of defeatism? Worry, guilt, shame, embarrassment, this is the heaviest catabolic, energetic level, in the seven levels of energy. And oh, by the way, don't get too caught up on the word victim. This is the lens of victimhood that we all look through, look to the world through at some point in time, we are all victim to our circumstances, at some time or another every day. Remember, none of these energy levels I talk about are good or bad. They simply may or may not serve you. And I want to just talk about being in level one when you are under stress. So typically, people don't hang out in level one that much, at least not the majority of the world. And yet, when we have a stress reaction, then we may fall into this level because we're tired or hungry, we're alone were angry. Or what is it halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Or maybe we are remembering a meaning of the way someone treated us in the past and made us feel like a victim. Maybe it's a memory from our childhood. Or maybe we just haven't taken good care of ourselves. And we're making something mean that we are the victim to it. Let me give you an interesting little example of how that might show up. I'll give you a very typical American example. For those of you who have had an energy leadership debrief with me, you've heard this example before, for if you were born and raised in America, and you celebrate Thanksgiving every November, then there's probably someone in your life or someone you know of or have heard of that typical, typically a woman who wakes up at 4am. You know, let's say she's your she's your grandma, right? The grandma wakes up at 4am. And she puts the turkey in the oven. She has planned for the big Thanksgiving dinner to be at her house for days, everybody shows up, and they start bringing stuff at 10am They've already putting in their contribution to the dinner and she's like, just put it on the counter. I've got it. Even when people ask if they can help. She resists the help. And she actually gets everything just perfect. Like she probably set the tables for Thanksgiving for the adults and for the children days in advance. And everything is decorated accordingly. There are fall leaves and pumpkins and everything looks just perfect, I'm sure. And as she finishes getting everything on the table and everybody's seated and served. She finally sits down with a plate of food in front of her right before she takes her second or third bite. The four year old spills the milk, she jumps up and she runs over and she's cleaning up the milk and helping the baby. Everybody is still eating and she finally gets the baby receded and everything's fine and she notices that everyone's almost finished. It's time for dessert. So she takes a few more quick bites and she puts her plate away and she brings out all the pies and she serves everyone. Fast forward 10pm Half the dishes washed. She's sitting on the floor in the kitchen, crying into her giant glass of wine. Woe is me. How come no one ever helps me. Do you know this person? Are you this person? I can tell One thing I was this person, I was this person when it came to the holidays, we celebrate Christmas at our house. And I remember when Christmas the day after Christmas wishing that more people in my world would have said thank you to me. And I was a coach at this time, and I understood energy leadership, and I had my tipsy BFF up there looking over my shoulder, looking down at me, loving me, appreciating me, grateful for me. And she says to me, Well, what do you want to do about that? They will I wish someone would say thank you. She said, Well, if you're not getting a thank you, are you willing to try a different way? This is literally me being a crazy woman talking to myself. But by the way, that's how you get a life by design. So I said to myself, Okay, Nicoa, if you're really going to learn how to shift your energy, then you have got to figure this profound annual event out. Because I would burn myself out. And then there I was the martyr. So I said to myself, well, just shy of going and asking people to say thank you to me, which I did not want to do. I paused, I took a deep breath. And I thought, what would that feel like? What would it feel like to be thanked? Could I thank myself. And I went, and I got a piece of paper, I had this idea, I got this piece of a note card, actually. And I proceeded to write myself the most beautiful, profound, thank you note that has been written in the history of thank you notes. And do you know that that was probably 10 years ago, and that I read that thank you note to myself, the day after Christmas or Christmas day, every year, just for me, between me and me. Because I chose to do all of those things I chose to set up Christmas the way I set it up, I chose to buy all those things and wrap all those gifts and stay up till midnight, just like that grandma chose to be the house where everybody came, chose to set the table and cook the meal and do it all by herself. So unless you want to change that, which is typically where we start, then you got to figure out a way to get the gratitude the love and appreciation for yourself without being the martyr and playing the martyr doesn't get you anywhere other than feeling really sad and drinking too much wine. That's your espresso shot. Food for thought. I can't wait to hear what you think. Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you. 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