S1 EP 23: REINER LOMB

Conventional wisdom says EMOTIONS have NO PLACE in Business or Leadership! Reiner Lomb will tell you that is a fallacy! This interview unveils a powerful look into the world of Emotions in Leadership shared through the lens of an executive coach, author and seasoned technology professional and entrepreneur. 

Reiner  is the founder of BoomerangCoach, an executive coaching firm
specializing in leadership and career development, innovation, and
transformational change. Reiner’s mission is to mobilize and develop leaders to
create a more sustainable and positive future for all. As an executive coach, he
works with leaders and changemakers in a wide range of organizations, from
start-ups and multinational companies to non-profits and local communities - all
who aspire to create transformational change. Whether he’s working with
corporate executives, entrepreneurs, intrapreneurs, or indigenous tribal leaders,
Reiner’s clients appreciate his international business and cross-cultural
leadership experience.

Before becoming an executive coach, Reiner had a 30-plus year career in
technology, started and developed software businesses, and led leadership
development.

Aspire is available on Amazon.com for $14.99 and also on Kindle for $9.99. You can learn more at www.reinerlomb.com/books

Buy your copy of YOUR LIFE BY DESIGN: A Coffee With Nicoa Self-Care Coaching Journal
on Amazon today! 

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. So I am so excited to have you with me today writer, Reiner loam. You are the founder of boomerang coach, and executive coaching firm specializing in leadership and career development. Sounds familiar a lot like me. You're also really well known now as a leadership expert, and activist, and you have authored two books. So today, we're going to talk all about your world as an executive coach. But even more importantly, how you got to this new life by design over the past decade or so. And you and I met. When did we meet Reiner?

Reiner Lomb: 1:04

I think 2009 2010.

Nicoa Coach: 1:07

That's right. We were both at the Newfield network together. And we both are certified as ontological coaches. And that was such a profound experience, was it not?

Reiner Lomb: 1:19

Yes, it was, indeed, I'm still processing it after all these years.

Nicoa Coach: 1:24

I am to and I still listen to who Leo's some of his recordings Julio Elia, the founder and the guru of Newfield network. And I, I think, if I could go through the program again now. Oh, my, I think I would have an even more powerful and profound experience, don't you think?

Reiner Lomb: 1:42

I believe so. I think I have similar sources you have I said, Wow, what what was that new consciousness right about emotions and Cymatics and language, what learning would be possible now that wasn't possible, then

Nicoa Coach: 2:00

I think that you and I really should consider going back in, because I think it would really benefit us. And the work you're doing seems to really be derived from that. I just want to give a little bit more background, you grew up in the western part of Germany, have divided Germany during the Cold War. And that has had a significant influence on your life and how you focused around leadership and collaboration and people coming together to make change. You now live however, in the United States, you're in Atlanta, with your family, working as a coach, would you take us back to when you were in Germany and growing up there? And tell us a little bit about your beginning of your life by design story?

Reiner Lomb: 2:46

Yeah. So I saw I grew up during the Cold War, as Germany was divided very close to the border to East Germany. While I could speak freely, on my side of the border, my cousin Heinz, on the other side, was executed just for speaking up. So the reality of the divided country and the conflict between the system and those two different life, we're talking about life by design, two different designs of life for people really influenced me strongly. I never believed I, in my early years, younger years as a child, or growing up as a teenager, even in my young adult years, that in my lifetime, a Germany would ever be the unified. And the reason was because of the device, the divisiveness of the world at that time, the nuclear powers that had decayed and created the equilibrium, saying, Okay, we're not we agree not to kill each other. That's all what we do. But we keep watching out. Actually, I was in the Air Force drafted. We were watching the listening to the airspace, what kind of communication was going on? Is there a threat coming in coming, you know, in terms of nuclear attack or anything to our side, so it was highly nuclearized area, in terms of where nuclear threat was, was eminent always was always pleasant. With us it was never disappeared. The town I grew up folder, was actually called, there's a military term Fulda gap, which was a topographic gap, basically, where it was easy for if the worship pack for the Soviet Union would enter the Western world like our world, they would enter there. So this read was was present especially me in the military, for a year or so. And but it was a normal life for us. It was normal, we would like was just, but today I live in United States, right. I have been living here almost for 30 years and I live again into divided country. Now The only difference is we are not divided by a wall made out of bricks, we are divided by a wall made out of emotions. hatred or anger, distrust. The mass shootings are just the tip of the iceberg of that, right? The political division and not coming together. And Nikolai, you could say, why does it matter, we just could go each and our corners and agree not to kill each other. And life could be you know, okay, like, like, at that time when Germany was divided, or the world was divided, but we have such huge societal issues that threaten our existence, or I would say the existence of our children of future generations. So I have children, you have children, I know. And so I care very much about how the future is turning out. And that's why it matters that divisiveness is not acceptable, okay, we need to, we need to come together, we need to overcome these emotional barriers. And they are harder to overcome than a physical barrier, we can overcome a physical barrier, we have seen that 1989 The East German peaceful revolution poured down the Berlin Wall today for people and people are not trained in emotions, right? They just react to the emotions, the feeling, and then some become crazy and go and shoot people and others may just express it on social media, or some others might express it by, you know, arguing, or whatever, or family dividing. And we see all these dysfunctional things in our society. So that's why I work on emotions as a tool for leadership.

Nicoa Coach: 6:39

I'm so glad that you do. And and you have said so much in that short, little summary. Because the disconnection that the human being has with another human being is actually what they're craving the most, that that is kind of the natural way that we want to connect. And if we cannot connect with another human, when we cannot connect with ourselves emotionally, then we'll connect with something else, you know, addiction, guns, collections, shopping, whatever it is that we are, we we need to feel that divide. Take me back, though, to that childhood from an emotional perspective. At what point did you begin to become aware of your own emotions? And what mattered most to you, as you started out in a very traditional life after going into the military? I mean, were you aware? Were you starting to feel this this momentum of emotion?

Reiner Lomb: 7:35

Yeah, I saw in terms of consciousness, we, like our society, or the world I came from, I would say, that's all for the Western society in general, in United States or Germany or other countries. Teaching emotions was not only in the curriculum, right? However, if you were lucky, and you had parents, so I was lucky. My mother comes from East Germany, she was a refugee or not East Germany, from Eastern Europe. She's from Czech Republic. Originally, and she grew up bilingual, very emotional, he stood in terms of how to teach us about emotions, and she would take me aside in when something happened. And she would say, this person, she would talk, let's say, I had a girlfriend and I would say something and she would say, this person, this other person has feelings. I know, I was like a teenager, she would take me and I said, That's right. I would not like make fun of her say, I have feelings too. And I would like so that way, she would softly introduce me to the world of emotions. I as I as I grew up, I went to school I went to you know, I come from humble beginnings in terms of a blue collar worker Co Op on a small farm. I started with an apprenticeship as an electrician in the largest textile firm in our hometown, and manufacturing and and so I learned by doing that I could influence people positively like managing a project or like where there were many people have to work together by influencing people's emotions. For example, motivation for years I read that I was fascinated with how to motivate people. Okay, and I would never I had never decided to move into leadership roles that was not on my this was not my my life's dream my lifetime was I want to get out of the small village I want to get into the world saw these planes flying up and causing a disguise I want to be in one of those planes I want to fly away to other better places. Why to the dream, not knowing what those places look like but I imagined them to be better.

Nicoa Coach: 9:51

Right that greener grass right?

Reiner Lomb: 9:54

But what I what I learned in this app playing expose on in we had a small old family business, my father, cabinet maker business, my grandfather, the mill business flour mill business, we had a small farm. And in that environment, family work as working as a family together and creating the emotional conditions that we could work together was important. So my father was great in like motivating the kids to work on the farm. And he would bribe us a little bit with chocolate or things like that is the X in the field where we pick Oh, right. You know, things like that. And so there was there was an awareness of like, yes, there's something else that motivates people are to behave. But it was not openly expressed as with let's talk about emotions, my mother's want to talk about feelings, but my father would not do it, but he would work with it. He was aware of it. Later, as I entered, I went back, I went to college, I went like in Germany, you have the even if you start, let's say an apprenticeship pass like vocational pass, you can always go back to school. Right? Education is virtually free, you have to pay something but it's small fee. But to you can. So I worked. I went back to college, I came in electrical engineering degree, and later I did a master's in computer science. So I went my first 15 years were really working on technology that I went, I, I then followed, I joined HP and I helped to form the crown off to help HPs build HP software business from zero into a multi billion dollar business. And that occupied me for about 24 years. So

Nicoa Coach: 11:38

I saw that you had a very long career with Hewlett Packard, I mean, was that decision? It was very different than your family's obviously. Had you been encouraged to consider going to college and going off? Are you self initiated that?

Reiner Lomb: 11:52

Yeah, I was not. This was not part of our culture or culture where we have blue collar workers, we have vocational people, we do things with hands, and we are proud of what we do is our hands. And my father has a cabinet headmaster cabinet maker, he made beautiful things, right. And that tradition still continues in our family. So my my oldest brother, and then his son is also learning that, that profession and there's there's pride in that. But I think I was driven by I wanted to go out into the world that was driven by learning. Since little when I entered the village school, this was a school with one classroom with eight grades with one teacher. I was so happy that I could go to school I was there one hour earlier, I waited to school entrance as a six year old. And when I was able to learn to read the first book, a totally new world opened up and learning was just reading books. And I was actually kind of frustrated when my father called me I was reading in my home and he said You have to help on the farm you Viner. I mean, that name, calling me that name. But gosh, I cannot finish this book.

Nicoa Coach: 13:06

That's just wonderful. I love that so much. And I can remember once having to tell my child, you've got to turn the light out and go to sleep you have to stop reading and just to say the words you have to stop reading sounded so foreign and counter to what you want to say yes. When there's a love of reading and learning. Absolutely. That's going to be your priority. And I'm so pleased that you had such an experience. It doesn't surprise me and now, you probably were very emotional when you received your the copy of your first book. When you got that published.

Reiner Lomb: 13:42

Yeah, there was at some point in my life, I think it was in the middle of my corporate career. I was I think traveling. I was traveling around the world. I you know, had to negotiate strategic partner deals. I think it wasn't either Korea, or Japan at the time, Tokyo, I spent a lot of time in Northeast Asia, China, in the 90s and early 2000s. And doing business. And at night, I could not sleep, I was always jetlag. And so I looked at up at channels, something I could learn from documentaries, and somehow I tapped into writing and Assad. And that was journaling for years already. And I liked writing when I was in school in high school. I like writing it was not appreciated because of the more mathematical which I was good, okay. But I was passionate about moderating and reading and said, I want to become an author. I want to become a writer. And I'm in my 40s or something I was there at that time and I said, How do I do that? And in suddenly I found a school that allowed me to promote letter writing to get a teacher, mentor and she helped. Her name is Phyllis Phyllis swaying. She had just read A number of books one is a historical fiction fiction. Yeah. So she became my coach. And we would, I would start reading, writing little essays. And I would publish later in Huffington Post and other places and sometimes participate in compete competition. But it was like on the side here, nobody knows

Nicoa Coach: 15:22

like a hobby.

Reiner Lomb: 15:28

And all these years, and then I started my own business. And I had developed this workshop about helping people to find their passion and purpose. People in mid career that were frustrated with what they were not happy with what they're doing. And I had developed this workshop that I taught with inside HP and other places with visit was a college like Academy in college. And as I started, so I can turn that into a book. So that was my first book, The Boomerang approach. And then I had started my company, I was partnering with different types of companies, one was focused on teaching innovation to large corporations and to startup companies. And during that process, I thought, oh, a lot of the emotional work that I do in coaching, fits into how you lead change, how do you create change? How do you create transformation? And what are the so I identified the crucial emotions for leading change that drive the behavior that allow you to make your vision a reality. So the first come up with a vision that you aspire to, and then to make that a reality. And so I was coaching around that teaching about that. And then many years later, I said, I, let's write a book about it. Like, let's share that with more people.

Nicoa Coach: 17:21

So you did all this while you were maintaining your day job at HP. And that's a beautiful example. We did an interview earlier with Ben Fanning, who you remember Ben from our training? Right? So Ben did something similar. at Honeywell, he was able to apply his coaching and training and development work inside of his current role. How long did you do that? Before you left HP? Did you retire from HP? Or? I mean, you're so young, I can't imagine.

Reiner Lomb: 17:54

Thank you. I'm older than I look. So, so I did, I think I wanted to, I started thinking of a new way. So HP was my second career not my second job. This was like my second big career, like a very different type of work, starting businesses and calling them globally. Like intrapreneurship. I was an intrapreneur. Basically, yeah, in my more mid 40s or so. And towards the end of my 40s, I said, I became aware of more the issues in the world that I cared about to, you know, cared about our children. I cared about future generations I, I saw things and I was thinking, What can I do? I'm and I had a plan to leave the corporate world and work on something that I deeply care about to make the world a better Okay, the positive change in the world. Climate change I was worried about that was my number one issue, social justice, racial injustice, you know, peace, like keeping peace, that it's a persistent issue, because I grew up as a with a generation of parents and grandparents that had experienced like, my father had experienced two world wars, one world war and they lost everything. Basically, my mother lost everything. And it changed the course of their lives. They lost loved ones, brothers, siblings, children and so on. But the what I wanted to say that had such a profound effect that as I want to make a difference, it was rooted in my family, they were service leaders. So leaders, my father served on the local council for 35 years or so. He always tried to help people my mother tried to help people. And I saw was my global experience was my intercultural cross cultural experience was my business experience and leading people leading change, how can I make a difference that I did not know how and what issues I wanted to focus on. So in understanding even the issue, so I went back to school and did an MBA in my late 40s, early 50s. In sustainable business. So it was the first school that that offered that was a startup school, founded by Gifford Pinto desert. He's He's the grandson of the Pinto, the first who developed all the National Forest System under Oh, wow. He was a he was a leader, environmental leader. But so I went three years to that school on the site to my job. And we had, like one A month, we had a long weekend retreat where we were coming together was changemakers in the world in environmental, environmental and sustainability and social justice space. So I learned from count up what the issues are, what the barriers are. And out of that plan developed to say rather than working on one issues, issue, like a take, let's say Clyde was also climate activist in Colorado for many years. I'm a steering committee for a clap for sustainability on the climate Task Force. And so I did all these things as well. But I wanted at the end of that school, we had to present the business plan. So I said, I wanted to mobilize leaders, no matter what issue and the society they take on as long as they create positive change. And the reason is, because this, these are systemic issues. So if let's say talk about climate change, you're not just tackling it with reducing emissions, you're also tackling it in the education system and the health care system disorder. Because yeah, everything is systemic. So discovered that does, it doesn't matter if somebody is mobilized, that is not mobilized now mobilize to create positive change. And I did that. So as I said, I do some coaching as well, it's workshops I do, it's speaking, writing, you know, authorship, and so on. And so that's how these books developed. But what I then discovered basically, was the first book I started just need to get people on the right track, to find what they're passionate about is what they care about, and what role they should play. But when I found that out, many didn't have the leadership skills to be successful in that they say, Look, now I may, let's say I work on climate change, I find a hole, maybe it's a technology hole, or I'm becoming an entrepreneur or inventor or something. But then they lacked the leadership skills. And that's where the second book came in. What I found in all the leadership that I thought leadership, also at HP, I was doing workshops on the side teaching leaders like how to lead change how to create transformation. And I most people didn't know and so it's always the emotional part element missed, right missing. And it's the emotions that drive our behavior.

Nicoa Coach: 22:44

Yes, I like to say that emotions are energy in motion, it is what moves us, right? And unless we understand what's moving us, then we don't know why we behave the way we behave. And I think that's, that's wonderful. And I want you to dive even deeper into the book Aspire here in a moment. What you just articulated, though, is that you kept listening to that inner voice that said, what matters most to me, and how can I serve and what needs me? Right? And then you helping others identify that, but you're right. A lot of people listening have lots of ideas and things they want to spend time and energy on. But if they don't have the, the wherewithal or they feel like I don't know, what's the first step. Let's dig into that when we were it's time for a good little coffee break as my editor likes me to take here. So we'll take a little one second coffee break, and you've got your coffee and I have my almost coffee. Okay, we'll be right back.

Reiner Lomb: 23:46

Wonderful.

Unknown: 23:50

We hope you're enjoying listening to this episode of Coffee with Nicola make sure to subscribe so that you never miss an episode and follow Coffee with Nicoa on Instagram to find inspiring content that will help you begin creating your life by design.

Nicoa Coach: 24:04

Excellent. So Ryan, are you really taking us quickly through your beautiful career two careers and then side career side passions that helped you write your first book helped you establish that coaching business and then evolve out of HP? So when did you leave HP and what's been going on? Was there an aha moment? Or it was just time or how did you get into your coaching business full time?

Reiner Lomb: 24:31

Yeah, so So I had planned it for a number of years to get into the coaching business actually got into it, I got into it while I was HP already. Okay, so I slowly got my feet wet I coached within HP on the site and then I would also have some clients outside or in my free time on the weekend or at night and so on. So I'd already started that and I did lead leadership development as was more like facilitating transformational change and learning for leaders in how to become better leaders and so on and scale up especially from leading themselves to leading others to leading the whole organization and so so the all this learning that went on HP myself being leader then how to teach others and coaches that one jump start immediately my business when I left HP so I had the opportunity to leave HP and and Right now in the in the year I left I think in July 2012. And I had my I had some clients already, but the next big client I had before the end of the year, like a long term contract is a mixture of coaching and consulting and leadership development.

Nicoa Coach: 25:49

So you and I met while you were still at HP, I just assumed that you'd already gone out on your own when we met. I didn't remember that. Yeah,

Reiner Lomb: 25:57

I was on my own in a way. But as I had started my business already, a couple of years before I launched it. And but I was not full time yet. I was doing it in my free time.

Nicoa Coach: 26:12

And what is it that you would say is your approach when you coach people, so I know it's emotions based you and I learned a lot about the bell model body emotion language, I'm, those are the three entry points when you and I coach with our clients. But how have you really transformed that and made it your own at Boomerang coaching?

Reiner Lomb: 26:34

Yeah, this is a very good question. One of the things when I got into coaching was the importance of whether the person wants to go like so let's say, there's different coaching scenario scenarios or situations, there's maybe somebody's has hit a wall in the client in a corporation. And in that job in that in that role in a leadership role, you're not effective anymore, they were effective before maybe we were trained as an engineer, or scientist or whatever. But now they have to lead people. And they have this tension between what their boss the manager expects from them, and what the team expects from them what the peers expect and what they expect themselves. So the identity suddenly is shaken. To see I was always successful, and I have still this, but everybody tells me I'm not good enough. So one of the things very often that the manager comes at you another visionary leader, you, you micromanage your team, you, you you, you do the work of your team, you but you should lead your team. So that's, that's an example. Okay. There's another scenario where somebody comes more proactively says, I know I'm on this path, I'm not struggling right now. But I feel somehow I need to learn new skills, I need to set a new vision for myself to do the support active while I'm the first one is a crisis mode is an identity crisis, the pressure comes from externally, sometimes the manager would say, Come get some coaching. And the other scenario is where somebody is withheld from a good mentor or, or manager or friend or whatever, saying, you talk about all these things and that you're passionate about. And but you don't know how to make them reality. Why don't you take a coach, or they discover themselves, they read about it, and so on due to the proactive approach, I have to say that in my career in my life, I have always taken a proactive approach.

Nicoa Coach: 28:32

I feel like it from where your

Reiner Lomb: 28:35

intervention, I was always, I didn't say I don't say that with arrogance or anything this, I see it more with something as a whole model. If you feel there's something missing, what is it that is missing? And so very often I was a step ahead of my management so that they could go to my management or to my mentors and ask them for something. I said, I have that Inkling inside me I want to Can you Can I have the budget for going to this seminar workshop or things like that. And so that's more driven, more potent and proactive approach. That doesn't mean that I did not did not experience crisis in my career. That's a natural part. You know, if you have a vision to change vision, you have people that try to stop you, there are more people that stop you, and then they try to support you. Now when you're successful, then more people are joining you. Right? It's kind of the the adoption curve, right? So I'm just want to point this out to this, these two scenarios, and back to my coaching approach, then I take an assessment, I go in and take an assessment of the behaviors. Sometimes I do qualitative 360. So I ask the environment, give me people that I can talk to this is confidential, I'm not sharing who said what, what is the behaviors you see, right? And what works and what doesn't work and I report that back to that individual and the individual then that I coach can decide what they want to work on what behavior they want to change, obviously always linked to what your your aspirations, what is the vision for yourself, what kind of person you want to create, right? And the new person you want to create, what goals do you want to achieve? How do you measure success and things but it's focused on the behavior right and what people very often miss that I I've seen in coaching and leadership development if stay on the behaviors, but not on the drivers of the behaviors.

Nicoa Coach: 30:38

The emotions, yeah, so this what

Reiner Lomb: 30:40

types of behaviors is our needs unmet needs, and they could be basic needs, or they could be very aspirational needs alive that we dream of our values, especially when our values are in conflict. So we hold values, we're not aware of it, but we hold it we get angry about something a value has been violated, right? So somebody hurts a child, right? We and we get angry because it's, it's, it's violates value that we hold that the church should be safe and protected, right should not have to deal with the mass shooting. Or then this but all these kinds of emotions, right? Like a doctor takes a thermometer, I come and take blood pressure and piles in that what's the temperature and things like that? I when I go into a coaching situation I check off is any person what is what is your emotional state? Yes, sometimes the person is able to say, mostly a person is not able to say it.

Nicoa Coach: 31:41

That's what I was gonna ask you I've, I've asked the word or question around emotions, or how do you feel? Or what feeling is that and they go to a thinking answer, they go to a thought. And we know that there's a thought that creates an emotional experience or meaning, and then that drives the behavior. So how do you help facilitate someone's identification of their own emotions and feelings?

Reiner Lomb: 32:05

Yeah, so um, I always go back to the behavior, I always like, let them describe the behavior. So let's say they have a conflict with their, with their manager with their boss as just as an example, it could be any kind of conflict, and saying, so what does the person say? What do you do? And is there a pattern? Is there repeat law? So let's say how often does that happen. So sometimes I can tell that story I can identify the emotion or the mood that person is in the mood is basically more persistent, emotional state that is in the that this person is in and it drives their behavior, clouds, division, whatever. So give you an example. One, one of my clients and executive he, the manager asked to coaching him, and then he he found me somehow interviewing different coaches, and he found me took me to the coach, the first conversation I was also in an initial meeting, Mr. Manager, and then we we poke out later into a one on one. And we had exactly that communication said, what, how do you feel now about this conversation about what your relationship with your boss and things like that, and he could not express the emotion and then let the story, the story, he told me about everything under observation I had, I was able to, to make a deduction, I was able to conclude what the emotional state would be. In this case, he lived another segment reserved in the resentment versus the emotion of victimhood. So my boss is I'm working hard, like seven days a week, even the weekend I pick up the phone, I solve issues for my team, I constantly, then by my performance is okay. It's not great, but it's meet the goals. But my boss is never happy with me. So he lived in the segment, the moment he was able to suggest the trim is are you feeling a segment is it does exactly what it is? Yes, I feel like my boss and he the stories, the Veals the emotion the person was in now I can I can make the same thing for other emotions. So let's say if the issue is distrust. If the issue is let's say the person is in high negativity, state of negativity, in general, do you live in a negative mood, just in general, like because like pandemic, we saw this a lot, right? And the pandemic, a lot of people lived in this negative mood, anxiety, things like that. So I help the people in this dialogue, that share their story in relation to the conflict they have or challenge and then we together we discovered the motion I test is this the emotion I explain the meaning of that emotion? You know, what is the assessment that you that creates that of that situation? And so we learn together? There's not that I see a person and can say, Oh, you feeling this way? I'm very careful. But once the person expresses their emotion itself, things fall into place.

Nicoa Coach: 35:11

Yes. And why is that? Is it because they now feel more in control with it that they can identify it? What do you think the real falling into place means?

Reiner Lomb: 35:22

It creates a more an aha moment like in Eureka moment. So for the first thing is then the person becomes aware of the At the emotion, then do a mixture of you and a mix of emotion. But there's the one that drives your behavior on a daily basis. Because if you are, let's say in the segment that plays not only out in your relationship with your boss that plays in with your, with your best interests, your best friend with your, with your posture with your children was this your colleagues was as a people because that mode drives your behavior and how you act what you say, in other situations as well. And so the point is when the person can identify and you want to get out of resentment, what emotion what a mood Do you want to be in? Okay? So for example, this was a scenario where the manager said, You are not a visionary leader, you're not really leading the team, you're my copy, micromanaging it to the segment is a barrier to optimism and optimism is required to be visionary leader. Sentiment holds you in the past, the story that you tell yourself, that goes through your head are associated with something bad in the past, that happened to you, that should never happen. But the moment you get out of the resentment, really, you don't feel it anymore, you have overcome it, then it opens the gate to feeling hope or optimism which are future oriented emotion. And that opens the your vision that opens the possibility for you to create. How would you like to be as a leader? What how would you like your team to work? How would you like the organization? What would you like to spend state to be maybe in five years or 10 years. So that kind of emotional shift that I tried to create, and this CO decide,

Nicoa Coach: 37:13

and you know, in your co design and CO creating with your client all all along the way, but you're you really tapped into something. So we're talking about leading by design our lives by design, right? So this is about leading by design, and, and it must shift someone to that future state, but you can't do it until you have validated their current state, they get so stuck until they can identify where they are, why they're there, they can't really, I'll often say, Well, what is it that you want? And they're like, I don't know, I just want this to stop or I, I'm overwhelmed. So it's a really beautiful breakdown, and an example of a coaching partnership. I'd like to bring it back to you, and your own self awareness. How have you become more comfortable with these emotions that yes, your mother taught you. But as a corporate exec, I mean, nobody was really talking about emotions in the corporate world. I can remember crying behind closed doors, and then you went back out with your, with your face back on and you weren't allowed to be emotional, especially as one of the only women in the room for me, you had to really keep your emotions at check. How did you manage learning about your own?

Reiner Lomb: 38:27

Yeah, this still working for Chris Nicoa. So if I would be, I have to say this is a lifelong work, right? Because it's emotions are like, our emotional makeup as if we as human humanity has. Where we are today is part of this is a result of evolution. Right to give the example of compassion, right, the compassion not as a virtue as an emotion, which is the emotion of I resonate with what you're feeling. And I act on I'm committing to, to alleviate your pain or to help you flourish and so on. So compassion, obviously, for coaches, very important. So I take back to your question, I take the same approach. I take the approach of being aware of my emotions, observe my behavior, and are they in alignment? Are you what I want to achieve what I want to show, let's say, let's say we go into this conversation, and I would not be interested in this conversation, it would be very interest as an emotion. It would be very hard for us to have a productive conversation. True, I might go off and give a pitch to you. But I might not be interested in what you're saying, try maybe I tried to sell something like idea or, you know, trade world evolution or something like that. I'm just making something up here. But but if I'm trying to listen to you, but what allows me to do that is interest. Because it's one of the seven emotions I've put into a spire in the book and they are so important for a leader they're important for coach, they're important for every person taking interest in what are the needs of the other person? What are the potential solutions now for innovators, it's very important to have interest to cultivate interest.

Nicoa Coach: 40:21

Yeah, tell us more about those core emotions that you tap into in that book Aspire because I highly recommend people go out and Get a copy of your book. Because if you really want to begin to foster more effective, intentional leadership and understand your own emotions in the process, I mean, your books the way to go. So talk to us about that.

Reiner Lomb: 40:44

Yeah, so first of all, the reason why even focus on seven emotions is, so is this some leadership trip or emotional experts to say there's more than 250 emotions? If you read this book,

Nicoa Coach: 40:59

I was gonna say Dan Nuvi. So Dan Newby is one of our coaches, mentors, colleagues, friends, and he's based out of Spain, I think and he recently did. emotional literacy book, what is the name of his

Reiner Lomb: 41:14

111 of the books, I have it here, the unopened gift is one opened gift. That's my dictionary of emotions. And I have the cards

Nicoa Coach: 41:24

to the emotional cards to do card experiences with clients. So yeah, so Dan Nuvi is our Guru when it comes to emotions. So yes,

Reiner Lomb: 41:32

so the point is, they're so the experts like Dan out there, and they have identified all these emotions, or they have researched them and so on. And it's like a language that it's somebody has never learned about emotions to start with all these emotions with this dictionary, even Brene. Brown is doing it as well, she has like maybe 150, I don't know, 75. Too many, for the ordinary person. So I looked at it from thing, let me just for the three premises of this book. So that one, everybody can create change. So if you create a vision, and aspirational vision, for yourself or for others, for the world, everybody can create change. It's not a question of can you create change or not? It's how much change can you create? Creating Change requires you to change behavior, starting with your own behavior, and then influencing the behavior of others. Again, the question is, how, why do you want to influence the Circle of Influence have? Is it one person? Is it 10? Is it 100,000? Is it a million if you want to create, let's say, a peaceful revolution, like East Germany was millions of people that have been mobilized civil rights movement? Freeing India, you know, what Gandhi did? Who's mobilized millions, millions of people? And in South Africa, the same thing, you know, is Mandela? Or do you want to create a small change in your family? Right? So the second premise is that changing behavior allows you to, to move towards that vision. And the question is just how big that circle of influence you want to have. And the third one is, there's no behavior, no action, you take no decision you make that's not affected by emotions. That's just the strongest driver of our behaviors. And we can learn, we can learn to identify, we can become aware of our emotions, and we can shift our emotions to the ones that support the behavior that is needed in that moment of leadership, and that, creating that vision. So if you, let's say, you you, you want to influence somebody, to follow your vision to feel compelled to make that vision a reality. The good ideas to inspire them. And inspiration is an emotion that mobilizes people. So as a leader, you can say you can you can actually identify the behaviors, avoid them and who collected them and put exercise it how do you inspire is more than just being charismatic, because magic is one way, but how many people are charismatic, right? But there's other ways you can and you can learn those you can learn. And you can learn these emotions for yourself, inspire yourself, but also, as is just an example.

Nicoa Coach: 44:21

No, I think that's, you know, if everyone can create change, everyone can align to that vision, and then know that there is always the action is being driven by an emotion. So you've got to start with yourself. So being the observer of yourself, because I can imagine a lot of people don't they skip that. They skip that step, because it's not comfortable. And then they're trying to inspire the people around them. And they might be making some assumptions about what would would be inspiring. So it sounds like your book has some actual practices and tactics for the reader to give them that insight.

Reiner Lomb: 44:57

Yeah, the idea is basically I wanted to give them seven leadership behaviors that would allow them to create change to all the points from you know, the start with the bottom of the board. The bottom three of the building a pyramid is empathy, compassion and interest, empathy, tribes, caring. Caring is critical for any leader like leaders that don't care. observable. People don't want to follow they don't trust right, caring, compassionate. servant leadership, the commitment to serving the needs of others, and interest, tribes understanding. So that foundation of caring, commitment to serving and understanding the deeper needs and the systems and solutions that meet those needs to build a foundation for any leader, you cannot skip those, you cannot go in and say, Oh, I lead you and um, you have no clue what you're leading towards, and what you're trying to change. Right, the next three, building on those are optimism, inspiration and trust, optimism, tries to vision you cannot you cannot come up with you cannot be a visionary leader if you don't have optimism, if you don't believe if you have emotion, you feel emotions of the past. Like you get stuck in the past a lot of people in our country here get stuck in the past. They may be not not believing the better futures possibility let's let's create recreate the past we have this in other societies and other countries too. And so I understand it, where this comes from, because the past is known and and if you create the future new future unknowns with great fear and anxiety, and so on. So I totally understand it. But from my perspective, so you if you have a really conscious leader, shift to optimism, so you can create a vision but you needed based on the understanding, understanding the needs of the people, what are they really needing the people that you want to leave? What is it that helps them to flourish, to thrive and so on? Yes, then you need to mobilize people, it's inspiration, do you need to inspire good leader inspires people and mobilizes them. And the third one is trust, do you want to coordinate effective action to you want to deal with why it requires collaboration without trust, no collaboration last is the fuel for the collaboration. So you have those six emotions. And on top of that, if you are a leader that has creative vision that you create plans and you coordinate effective action, things go along with pandemic happens, we saw that isolation is happening a war, things go on. And suddenly, if you have a business or community, we're leading the wake up in the morning, and you cannot execute the plan that you had put in place because the circumstances have changed. In right moment where the leader needs most is resilient. He needs the leader, he or she needs to be resilient, but also a leader needs to, to make as resilient that people he or she's leading, they need to be the same to how do you foster resiliency, emotionally, you need to stay in positivity you need it's a mixture of positive emotions, there's all the way from joy from gratitude from interest from we talked about some of those inspiration, optimism, etc, etc. Others are, there's so many positive emotions we can cultivate. And research has shown there's a specific ratio if you let's say, three to five positive emotions you feel during the day compared three to one, five to one that makes you more resilient if you drop below that you become less resilient. So you know,

Nicoa Coach: 48:50

how do you help that leader that I mean, I've really I've talked about this before where I think a lot of people have a really difficult time sitting alone with their own thoughts, right? Sitting alone with their own emotions, it's a little bit too frightening to them. And sometimes we end up with clients who have been handed to us by their leadership, or they think they want a coach because everybody has a coach. And then all of a sudden we're asking them to sit with their own thoughts and talk about their resiliency and talk about their emotional state. How do you help them feel safe in that conversation, because sometimes, people just I had one client as I finally told him to stop paying me because all he was doing was just talking to me without doing any of the work. You know what I'm talking about here? Have you ever had that experience?

Reiner Lomb: 49:41

Yes, yes, yes. Yes. I mean, there's, it's challenging, right. It's like, the person needs to be ready to willing to change and also the person needs to be inspired to learn. Yeah. So if it's a new domain domain where you're learning, let's say you have learned technical things to do something or to intellectual things, you learn to get understanding and you develop new skills and in the behavior space, if you're not in the right emotional state, those behaviors are not going to change, right. We know when people that have been in the learning and training space, let's say the people leave on Friday or Thursday deliver like a very inspiring workshop or seminar they learn new things, they gain new insight. They make a commitment to change to do something different Monday morning, the work that is getting at On the emergencies, I have that see that a lot. I coach a lot of work in tribal communities, indigenous tribes, and there's a lot of crisis going on. And so what was true on Friday, as a priority learning and changing something on Monday morning was became very, totally reactive.

Nicoa Coach: 50:50

That's right. And it's in that reactive state where they are, you know, they're in a stress reaction. Right, they have to recognize what do they need in that moment? How do we help them validate where they are with all of that over stimulus with the change of circumstance? How do we help them foster that resiliency? Is it just a matter of thinking positive?

Reiner Lomb: 51:15

No, no, I hear that a lot, is just think positive. It's not what you think your way into it, you have to feel it. So that's why I work on emotional shifts. And it can be achieved by somebody tapping into sources of these emotions, you tap into, you need to identify the source. So give you an example. I had a conversation with somebody she said, she felt depressed. And I'm not a psychologist that works on depression. I'm just have to say that. But I said, What is what is the emotion that you are feeling or that you wish you was there and so on, she said, for a long time, I haven't felt any real joy any, and I don't know how to find it. And we should, it's not there like she should believe now she's incapable of feeling joy. And then I went into her whole history, I said, tell me a few stories about your life that maybe you've that was really something that's exciting, you're proud of you felt successful and whatever. And we discovered quite a few moments in her life where she felt this deep joy. Yes. And the question is, then how can we create this emotional shift to joy by identifying the resources, the sources, so the resources or sources that gave that person choice. So I had a friend he were I was coaching him also, he went through a very difficult divorce, he was deeply saddened and so on. And what he identified was music. Music gave him joy. So he gets he said, what got me through this divorce to this painful experience was music. And there was specific music that he enjoyed, that gave him whenever he listened to that music. I, you know, I for me, like during the pandemic, I had quite a few losses in my family, but I beside the pandemic, and dealing with the stress of my clients and so on, I also needed to find a source of positivity. And so for me, nature became a primary source, I increased the time. And I could afford it now. Because I wouldn't have to come to clients because I was on virtual calls, I went to spend more time in nature,

Nicoa Coach: 53:37

beautiful, and consciously, consciously. And I think that's kind of the key. And, you know, I want I hope the takeaway for everyone here today is that this takes responsibility. You have to take the time to observe yourself, ask yourself what you want, and consciously foster the emotions that you're you want more of in your life. And sometimes you just start with identifying what you don't want. And that can be very helpful working with a coach or a counselor or talking even with your partner about what is it that I'm suffering over? And how can I release that and foster more of what I do want, and go look for it, go look for the facts of evidence, where you've had it in the past, or where you'd like to foster more of it in the future? You know, if you and I could talk all day long about how we Coach and the coaching tools and but I'd like you to just maybe tell us some of your own personal wisdom and advice. Is there anything that you wish you'd known sooner or any real key lessons learned that you'd like to share with our life by design lead by design listeners today?

Reiner Lomb: 54:49

Yeah, there's something that really steep like to my heart. So when we talk about designing a life, we very often think about it individualistically so my life who do I become and so on. And in my experience, over the years, you cannot disconnect your own life from the lives of others. Albert Camus, in his one of his famous novels, the plaque, he, his protagonist, was captured in this city walled off city that had the plaque, and nobody was allowed to leave. He had his lover outside the city, and powerful person or influential person. Wood offered him to smuggle him out. And in that moment his protagonist recognized that, that if he would leave, he could not be happy. He could not be happy. Seeing the other people suffer, knowing the people he has been together, his friends, his associates, and so on in the city, he stayed. He said, because there's no point for me leaving, I cannot because the guy tried to urgent that gate, go, and you will be happy you live there, and you love us outside. And he realized suddenly, I cannot be happy all by myself.

Nicoa Coach: 56:09

You know, that is profound. And I think that is part of the disconnection that we started off on this conversation is that we have been raised to believe that external validation, and what we see outside of us is the answer. And yet that connection truly does come from within and in the connection we have with every other human being. And there, there is a breakdown there. What advice would you have for anyone about how to reconnect with themselves? Just as a basic starting point? How do we foster that connection with self?

Reiner Lomb: 56:46

This little bit of like, as you're coming from a farm, right, it's cultivating the soil. So you're getting your own mental health, feeding yourself with what you need, and listening to yourself spending time with yourself to some people join a journal. So for me a lot the wheels in journaling, but a lot reveals also in conversations with trusted friends or with my wife, or even with my children, like who what do I want to be what is missing? And what how do I feel right now. And so that is a concept that something constantly so so. So cultivating that your emotional well being is one thing, but also cultivating your relationships, since you can see happy without being connected to others. Some people need a larger circle, some a smaller circle. But without it, research has shown many studies have shown there's long studies being done and so on. That's the single biggest contributor to fulfilled and happy life. And I'm not the one that invented that. I just discovered it for myself. And the research is suggesting it. So if you work on your own mental health, cultivating that soil, that your emotional, your emotional state, and you can find sources that you can identify what what emotional state do I want to be in with you, I want to be more enjoyed, do I want to be more in trusting myself trusting others cultivate that to cultivate yourself and cultivating the relationships as us?

Nicoa Coach: 58:25

You're absolutely right. And there is a pandemic still of loneliness. And I think that we often sit around waiting to be invited or waiting to have the friend make the phone call. And I would invite everyone to continue to cultivate the soil by picking up the phone, making that phone call initiating the party that you wish you were being invited to create it yourself. And recognize no one's coming to save you. No one's coming to save you. But if you foster those friendships and connections, and you have fostered your own self worth, guess what they do come, they do come and they are there for you. And everyone can be connected. And I think that's why I'm doing this work with the podcast because I felt like I was talking to a handful of people and out into the world. But I wanted to have that two way connection. And I'm just so grateful that you shared your time with us today. And one last thing are you working on right now or that's getting you excited, helping you cultivate and foster your own connectedness with the world. Tell us what's getting you excited right now.

Reiner Lomb: 59:37

Thanks for for there's almost like a psychological question, right? Kind of a deeper thing. i One of the things like underlying all of this is that not given by a higher power or by society. I think it's very important to create meaning in life. And nobody sure some people like to be given that meaning told what meaning is in life for them. But I was always the believer, I need to find meaning for myself. So that that consciousness that is a constantly evolving theme, but me also helping others to find that. So while Aspire is a leadership book, and it is also it's not just for leaders, it's for anyone that wants to learn an emotional domain and become more effective in living living a fulfilled Life making their aspirations a reality, it is also leads to spiritual cause. So one person that I coach to the whole, seven emotions and to his calling in as a leader from a handful of people leading to 1000s of people, he told me, he made me aware of his thing, I have become a different person, by now. So tell me how have you become a different person, he said, my relationships, not just at work, and manage more people and I manage this more ease than I had only a handful of people were stressed, or stressed out all the time. But also my relationship to my family, my kids to my wife, has become much better, my relationships to my community has become much better people seeking me out now, as the, for advice as the mentor as a friend, I've become a different person, it was for him a dimensional emotion of via like, becoming a better version of himself and also connecting to meaning as we now suddenly he says, Oh, this feels really great.

Nicoa Coach: 1:01:40

That it does, and I've had similar feedback from many clients and even had, there's a testimonial on my website where both the husband and wife are interviewed. And she insisted on being a part of it, because she said, You have helped my husband become a new father and partner and he's more present and, and I was like, he did it. I've just the guide. I'm just asking the questions and and your book is a great example of how to help yourself you know, help you help yourself. Foster that emotional awareness and emotional intelligence. So to be a better leader, and it sounds like a better human beings so you can enjoy this life we've been handed and we have to create the meaning for ourselves. And when I think the most powerful question I've ever asked myself was, what am I making this mean? What am I making this mean? And then what would I prefer to make it me wonderful, not only in a stimulus, but also life, right? So I get to decide, but I have to remind myself that it's, it's up to me. So any anything else you want to share? Where can people get your book? How can people work with you? Reiner? Yeah, I love that. You're in the US. And I forgot. I was like, Are you in Germany?

Reiner Lomb: 1:02:56

Germany right now I'm just translating Aspire into German and hopefully be published in fall in German. So a lot of my friends can read this.

Nicoa Coach: 1:03:07

Yeah, they're like, Oh, what's this book you write? We can't read it. No, that's fantastic. Congratulations.

Reiner Lomb: 1:03:12

She got the gift from his wife as a as a Christmas gift and he looked at it my brother wrote this

Nicoa Coach: 1:03:21

is still a shocking

Reiner Lomb: 1:03:24

so but it's the the people can reach me through my website, Viner long.com. So just my name Reiner blanc.com. The book is available at Amazon in audiobook printed or ebook in any region in the world where Amazon is selling or has the domain. So amazon.com for the US.

Nicoa Coach: 1:03:51

And I'll put all of that information in the show notes and I am just honored to spend this time with you after however many years it's been quite the moment but I've always felt connected to you on social media and we have that bond through the Newfield network and I'd love to touch base with you again in a year or so. And let's do this again.

Reiner Lomb: 1:04:12

I want to add something Nicoa add this as a spire products and oh good point. So the subtitle is important. So Aspire seven essential emotions for leading positive change no matter where you are. That by no long that's the that's the Aspire book you want to look at if you're interested.

Nicoa Coach: 1:04:32

Yeah, don't bother. The other one's not saying you

Reiner Lomb: 1:04:36

shouldn't buy the other one. I'm just saying they are different books.

Nicoa Coach: 1:04:41

I'll make sure given the very specific when I put them in the notes. You are an amazing man and I'm honored to be your friend. Thank you for being my guest today. Yes, I love you and I will talk to you soon. Love you too.

Unknown: 1:04:58

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicola for more stories from people living a life by design. You can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow coffee with Nicola and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N IC O A. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then. savant