Espresso Shot 9: I Picked A Fight With My Husband!

This is a LOVE BY DESIGN Espresso Shot: Sometimes we all pick fights, RIGHT?! But do you know WHY you're picking a fight? Do you even realize you ARE picking a fight? This Espresso Shot does a deep dive on MY PERSONAL self reflection and self work around why I get triggered in relationship. I hope it encourages YOU to not only see YOURself, but motivate you to keep doing the work around your own self awareness and healing to help you help yourself live your ideal Life By Design.  

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:02

sometimes don't you just need a quick moment of inspiration? Or maybe you just need a moment of caffeinated contemplation to reflect on life. That's the idea behind my weekly coffee with Nicola espresso shots. I'll be sharing short jolts of inspiration in each clip. In addition to my longer Coffee with Nicoa interview episodes, make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot, or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you. Hey, guys, good morning. It's Nicoa coming to you live from the banks of Whiskey Creek for your weekly espresso shot part of the Coffee with Nicoa Podcast. I'm wanting to talk a little bit about the fight I just picked with my husband last night. Yeah, I know. So some of my friends are like, you and John have fights. And I'm like, Well, duh. It's not about the fight. It's about the recovery. I like to remind myself and I will say, we probably used to have a lot more fights and disagreements as we were getting to know each other and kind of settle into our relationship. So when I do find myself triggered, it's usually a surprise to me. And then I get really stuck in it sometimes. And it's sometimes really hard to recover. How many times can I say sometimes that was fun. Okay, so let's talk just a bit about what happened. I have this anxious attachment. And in retrospect, I think what happened was John had been traveling and I really missed him. And I have a love language of words of affirmation, and my sweet man doesn't use a lot of words. And I made some of his texts mean that he wasn't prioritizing me. Okay. Why are you all rolling your eyes like Nico, what are you talking about? You're 54 years old. Why do you care if he's verbose on a text? When I get tired, and I'm alone, I have a trigger. And I think it really does come from when I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time alone as a latchkey kid, my parents got divorced when I was eight years old. And I was carted back and forth between here the sound house, which is where my dad stayed, my mother left, and she had an apartment, and she had a different apartment every year for like five years. And then I don't know if you know this, but my parents got back together when I was about 1415 years of age. But during those prime years, thanks a lot, Mom and Dad. Kidding, thank you for everything. But during those prime years, I spent a lot of time alone. And I think in the work that I've done, and I share this, because I'm hoping you're doing the work, I'm hoping you're listening because you want to do the work. And I'm hoping that just self awareness and self actualizing is part of your path and your journey. And if you hear this story, that it'll somehow help you help yourself with your own triggers. But I think because of the many times that I was craving my own dad's attention, him coming home late from work, feeling like I wasn't getting the attention that I deserved, as a little girl caused me to bring that and apply that in this relationship. It's really interesting to watch. And it shows up a lot. Like, if you could just fill in the blank, then I would feel better. And that's the topic today. Our response ability related to our own emotions, and how when we are in under stress and triggered, we tend to project onto others and blame them for not showing up for us the way we wish they would. And we claim that that's the root of our discomfort and our dissatisfaction and our stress and our upsetedness and whatever words you want to use, right? I think the root of all suffering is exactly that when we project our needs onto someone else, and expect them to show up to help us be happy. And I really, this is even more than an espresso shot. I'd really love to have this conversation with you guys. So if you want to make comments in in the the I guess there's a comment section. I would love to hear your thoughts on this because let's just repeat it. The root of all suffering comes in many cases from wishing someone else would show up for you. Either one the way you would show up for for them or two the way you think they should show up for you. And this doesn't mean that you have to avoid your needs and expectations in relationship. The beauty of my partnership with John is that we are in a conscious Applying relationships. So we can have a moment like that, and turn around and talk about it. And we intentionally talk about it. And we recover. I just wanted to share that story, because I clearly saw it coming. And it started like this. I was really missing you last night, and I was disappointed you didn't text me back. And then I pretty much ruin the whole evening. But it didn't ruin our relationship. And that's the beauty of being in a conscious partnership with somebody. So your journaling prompt this week is where do you apply your own stress and projected onto somebody else? And then suffer because you wish they would show up for you differently? And can you take response, ability and recover as a result? This presser shot coming to you live thanks for listening and don't forget to follow Coffee with Nicoa Make sure to subscribe so you never miss an espresso shot or a full length Coffee with Nicoa interview created just for you.