S1 Ep9: Kyle Mitchell

In this episode, Nicoa spends time with Kyle Mitchell who is a mental health advocate, international/TEDx speaker, author of the book 10 Minutes to Feel Less Anxious, and social media influencer (Social Anxiety Kyle) who is passionate about solving the problems associated with poor mental health in the world.  Listen as Kyle shares HIS story and how he came up with three key methods to relieve social anxiety that work for him and will likely work for you, too. 
 
Kyle’s mission is to help 1 million teens go from socially anxious to socially confident, collaborating with teens, educators, parents, nonprofits, and other organizations to change the narrative and stigma that currently exists.

Order his new book here:  www.feellessanxious.com

Buy your copy of YOUR LIFE BY DESIGN: A Coffee With Nicoa Self-Care Coaching Journal
on Amazon today! 

Transcript

Nicoa Coach: 0:01

Grab your coffee and join me Nicoa For a caffeinated conversation about life. I'll be talking to people who have chosen to walk their own paths and just like me, are creating a life by design. I hope it will give you the inspiration you need to do exactly the same. Good morning, Kyle, it's Nicoa here and you have your coffee. And I have to admit, I do not have mine.

Kyle Mitchell: 0:33

You're a fraud.

Nicoa Coach: 0:36

Fraud. Tell everybody you just told me why you're just now having your coffee this morning. You were waiting.

Kyle Mitchell: 0:43

I waited. I was like, I'm gonna make sure that way to have my coffee. So I could do that go with coffee with coffee. That's right coffee with Nicoa. Well, thank you for doing that. I apologize that I worked out. So I wasn't quite ready for my coffee. I was actually taking a card out of your playbook, which we'll talk about today. And I was making sure I had my morning routine. So we'll talk about that in a second. But let me do the big introduction of you. So everybody, welcome to Coffee with Nicoa. This is Nicoa and Kyle Mitchell. Kyle is a mental health advocate, an international TEDx speaker. So impressed by that. So jealous. He is an author, and a social media influencer, you can find him. So under social anxiety, Kyle, he's super passionate about solving problems associated with poor mental health in the world. And he really wants to look at the impact that's having on our communities, especially around teens and the youth of today. He actually has a mission to help 1 million teens go from socially anxious to socially confident. And he's been collaborating with teens, educators, parents, nonprofit organizations, for a number of years now. And his goal is to change that narrative and change that stigma that currently exists around mental health. And you and I met I guess it's been maybe four years ago, three or four years ago. Online.

Nicoa Coach: 2:15

Yeah, they're our friend, Jeremy. Jeremy talks to strangers, right. I think I met him at an airport. Literally. That's how we all got connected. I said hello to him.

Kyle Mitchell: 2:30

That sounds about right. Yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 2:33

Well, Kyle, why don't we just start today, as you know, I have a big theme around life by design. And as I've watched your journey, moving from anxiety to strong confidence and coping with that way of being? Can you tell us a little bit about what you define as a life by design?

Kyle Mitchell: 2:56

How I define life by design? Well, I would say it's just building your life, and it takes time to live it on your terms and not somebody else's. So I think when we first had a conversation with you, you really inspired me to like, Okay, I need to take start living life, but more of my terms. And it's been been a process because you know, I have a full time job. And then I'm working to make this full time, which I'm getting close. And, but at the same time, you know, I can't just like quit my job, and just solely just go ham on this. Because, you know, I have three kids. So I have to still, you know, bring in some money that way. So, yeah, you really inspired me to be able to actually speak to my boss and be like, Hey, let's make it to where I can just work from home. And maybe I come in the office one to two days a week. That has been amazing. So it's been a lot less stressful, I'm still able to do all my work. And I'm still able to do what I do here making content and doing speaking engagements, both virtually and in person without, you know, having to worry about oh, I need to be here and do this. So I think that's kind of how it all what it kind of means to me to be living life by design. Well, I had forgotten about that conversation. And I'm really flattered that we had such an impact during that engagement. It was fun being a guest on your old the old podcast, the social ninjas podcast, and I'm really proud of you. Yeah, sometimes people don't realize that all you got to do is ask, you know, my son just did that. He asked his boss, he said, Hey, I'd like to go to Japan on vacation. But I want to stay for a whole month. And could I work from the corporate office in Tokyo for the two weeks at the end of that month? And they said, What a great idea. They said sure. So he you know what you asked for you talking to your boss. Yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 5:00

So talk to me though, let's go back, tell us your story that got you to this new life by design, and got you passionate about really wanting to help others help themselves when it comes to mental health and anxiety.

Kyle Mitchell: 5:17

Yes, I mean, it all stemmed from where I came from. So I struggled severely with social anxiety in particular, especially in high school, and, you know, a little bit in the college. And so I started, you know, figuring out ways to, I just kind of got to this point of like, okay, I don't want to live like this anymore. You know, I want to live more life by design really.

Nicoa Coach: 5:44

Tell us what social anxiety felt like, and maybe some examples. So people who are listening to it might not know what we're talking about.

Kyle Mitchell: 5:52

Sure. So yeah, I'll give you an example. I'll give you a little bit more more of the story here. So when I, when I was in high school, I actually was going to this really small private school, had about 200 students in the whole high school. And then I transferred to this very large public high school, and I had about 1600 students in it. So this was, you know, quite the culture shock, really, for anybody but especially me, because you know, struggling with social anxiety at the time. And you know, if you're not familiar with really what that is, it's basically feeling like people are negatively judging you in social situations. So I'm sure everyone has felt that from time to time, just like for me, it was on an excessive basis, where I felt that all the time. So walking into a school full of people that I didn't know, you know, riding a bus to school, for the first time ever, was like a huge thing for me. And so it'll make you do some kind of irrational things from the outside perspective. So like, my first day of school, I realized, you know, that the bus dropped me off 40 minutes before my first class even started. So I didn't know what to do for 40 minutes, I wanted to find some way that I could like blend in because I fear that if I just went and sat down in the corner, or in the hall somewhere, which I would have loved to do that something that people be now negatively judging me, you know, wondering, who's that loser over there, he doesn't have any friends. And so, because of that, I started, you know, walking the halls and circles every day for 40 minutes. And I did this continuously. And it worked out pretty well, for a while. Until one day, I got on the bus to head home from school. And somebody called me out in front of everybody and said, you know, why do you walk the halls and circles every morning? And so that's, yeah, that that just brought me down, you know, when you have your heart dropped down to your stomach, yeah, gave me that kind of feeling. And so the next day at school, I knew I couldn't, you know, walk the halls anymore. So from that point on for a long time, I would just go into the bathroom stall when I got to school, and I would sit there, and I would just cry. Just wondering, you know, why can't I do this? Why can I make friends like other people? You know, why am I not normal? And I don't want anybody to have that thought to have the thought of, you know, you are not normal. So that's why I started doing what I'm doing and helping people. And that's why I've specifically focus on, you know, younger people, that teenagers, young adults, because I don't want anybody to have the same experiences that I did.

Nicoa Coach: 8:44

Of course, right? And that that feeling of it's almost like a feeling of urgency that I want to help everybody that's young, because I'm like, Oh, if we could somehow remove that pain from our kids, or, you know, people who are, you know, still early in their careers. So I feel Yeah, and what an overwhelming emotional experience you had, how did you ultimately get help? Did you ask somebody to help you or figure it out on your own?

Kyle Mitchell: 9:19

A little bit of both, I guess, I guess that's kind of contradictory. But so it started. So it started by me kind of hitting that breaking point. And I was like, Okay, I need to talk to somebody about this. I remember telling my parents about it, how I was feeling. I didn't know if social anxiety or really even what anxiety was at that point. Yeah. They urge me to, you know, speak to my counselors so I talked to my counselor at least once a week I was in there all the time. Because I can hurt she was very helpful that that that didn't give me any like concrete steps to like, Okay, what do I didn't do need to do next to be able to, you know, get past this and not be living my life dictated by social anxiety. But it gave me me the ability to just really unleash and unpack that emotional burden that I was carrying for so long. And that thing was so heavy. So just being able to do that felt so good to be able to relieve all that out. Yeah, like I said, that wasn't like a, quote, unquote, cure anything. And then that kind of led me to being able to just kind of power through high school and get through that at a manageable rate. And then when I got into college, that's when I started thinking to myself, Okay, I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, like, this is not fun. I need to do something about it. So that's when I started, you know, coming up with some different steps to help myself. And it's the same steps that I teach people now.

Nicoa Coach: 10:59

Oh, awesome. So you actually created ones that work for you. And with that proven set of steps, you have removed your anxiety, or just put it at bay? How would you describe the shift with these practices? And Oh, and please do share the practices?

Kyle Mitchell: 11:16

Yeah, so I would say put it at bay, you can't remove anxiety. So if there's like, I always forget how to classify this a method, a technique, I don't know, but shows us like this thing that a lot of therapists use is called internal family system. And it's basically where you have a bunch of different parts. So we all have a happy part, you know, a sad part and anxious part of socially anxious part for the differences between us is like, you know, I may have a lot more active, socially anxious part than somebody else. I like to kind of imagine it as like a bus and you got all your parts in the bus, or my social anxiety was driving the bus instead of conscious Kyle. So I wanted to get to, like, I'm driving the bus type of thing. Yeah, so not ahead of it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So I wouldn't say I removed it, but it's just sitting in the back there. It's chillin. And, you know, it comes out from time to time, you know, but we do need anxiety from time to time as well, just a lot of us experience anxiety. A lot of times when it's not, not necessarily needed. It's not coming up at a time that it's designed to come up, which is to help keep you protected, help keep you safe. So that's fine. Finding that balance of what that is, and training your brain to realize, Oh, I am safe, I can go do this. Oh, I'm not safe. I need anxiety in this moment. So I came up with these three steps. And I didn't do this in order per se, but I ordered it out later. And did it. Yeah. But uh, so step one is to shower yourself with self love. With which, what I found was, I had a extreme lack of self love. And, I mean, I can remember just hating the color of my skin, not that I'm white, or I am white, but, but just because of how like pale I am, oh, yeah, hated that. I have blonde hair, this Yes, so many things that I, you know, didn't like about myself. And I found that if I can get myself to, like, fully love me and accept me for who I am, that I don't care what anybody else thinks about me. I don't care. You know, if somebody doesn't like this stuff that I make, or this cool necklace that I'm wearing, like, whatever this is just, this is just me, it's just what I'm doing. So I started really practicing that I started using self affirmations in the mirror every morning. That was extremely helpful for me. And it's something like continue to practice moving forward. And then step two is to find, you know, a baby step uncomfortable challenge. So what's something that I can do in a really small way to expose my anxiety without sending myself through like a whirlwind of anxiety? So what I've my very first one ever that I tried out was, this guy was going to raise my hand one time in every single class while I was in college. So answer ask a question, whatever it was, which was a great challenge, because, you know, they took participation grade in college, so I always kind of, like failed that part of it because he actually had to, you know, answer questions, do all that stuff. So I started doing this every day. And you know, the first few times, of course, I procrastinate to the very end, but you know, I raised my hand. And I started to do this over and over and over again, just kind of forcing myself to do it. And I noticed about three or four weeks in probably that I start Ready to feel pretty confident? Now I've actually felt good about raising my hand it was, I live so much alive, having answers in my head or wanting to say something wanting to speak up. And I never could or would because I was fearing what other people might think. And that started to go away. And I was like, Oh, this is really cool. Like, if I can do that, with this, like, I can apply this to so many other things.

Nicoa Coach: 15:24

Yeah, you're talking about like energy attracting like energy. I mean, it's like success breeds success. So practice breeding more ability to do the same practice again. So that's a excellent example.

Kyle Mitchell: 15:39

Yeah, absolutely. And that led me to coming up with the third step, which is to reward your efforts over your results. And I particularly came up with this one, when one day, you know, as a few weeks in, I'm raising my hand, I'm feeling pretty confident. And, you know, I thought I had the answer to this question. I remember the professors saying, No, that's not right. And I just felt like so ashamed of myself and like, oh, I can't believe that a year, I felt so bad. And then I remember, like, Wait, my challenge was just a raise my hand one time, it's not to get every question, right. It's all about the effort of, you know, this uncomfortable challenge that I'm doing. So honestly, it doesn't matter what happens. It's just as long as I go out and do it, that's all that matters. But our brains really like to focus on the results of things. So to like, help myself with that, I was like, I'm gonna start rewarding myself for the effort. I'm not reward myself for results, only the efforts of the things that I do. So back then, when I was doing it, I would reward myself by playing an hour of Xbox before I started on my homework, which is, yeah, it was a really good reward for me, because I'm a very disciplined person. So even in college, I always made sure I did all my homework before I did anything else. So to be able to do that was a really good reward for me, and kind of just like a pat on the back to my brain of being like, do a good job going out there. And doing that, whether you answer the question, right? Or you answered it wrong, doesn't matter. Like you went out and you did that thing.

Nicoa Coach: 17:10

That's right. And that was some self love there as well, that reward and that was some self attention. I love that you're describing the way the brain works. Because I think what we forget is that the thoughts that we have in our brain, we're actually creating them ourselves. And so how did you begin to recognize that your thoughts weren't the truth? And shift to oh, I'm empowered to talk and create my thought, You know what I mean?

Kyle Mitchell: 17:42

Yeah, I think the most challenging part of that is to even under even realize the thoughts that you're having. I think so many of us have thoughts

Nicoa Coach: 17:52

of ourselves. Yeah. Can I see what I'm thinking in this moment? Right?

Kyle Mitchell: 17:56

Yeah. And we have it like on autopilot a lot of times. So I know, for me like that autopilot. Thought, for me, it was like, I'm not good enough. You know, I can't do this. I'm not normal. I'm just not good socially. Which is, which is not true at all. But I had that stuff running in my head for so long. And I didn't, I never even knew that that stuff was really going on until I started meditating. And that's what really got me to kind of understand and really see my thoughts because I wasn't able to distract myself. I was just sitting there with it. And so that's what really got me into that path. And then it was from there. I was like, Okay, how to reframe these thoughts. So I write them all down and then reframe them like, Okay, here's my new self affirmations. So yeah, that's one about

Nicoa Coach: 18:46

so you're so you sound like a coach, you sound like, sounds like me helping my clients. Alright, so what is that thought? What would a new thought be? How would the new thoughts serve you better? Or, you know, what would you have to let go of to release the old habit or the old thought? But before we even go deeper into that practice, tell me more about meditation? A lot of people have a thought This is Oh, well, I can't sit still get my my brains like a monkey mind. I can't. How did you get to meditation? And what would you recommend to people if they're interested in learning more?

Kyle Mitchell: 19:53

Yeah, so I guess the first time I heard of meditation was in college, my brother told me to do it. And so don't make the mistake I did where you just think you should just get in the room, set a timer for five minutes and just sit there in silence, especially if you're, you know, one of the first times meditating, because it's gonna be so challenging to do. So that didn't go well. For me. I was like, Okay, I don't understand why this isn't working. I don't feel anything from this. But what really did work well was, you know, downloading some in the beginning I use an app called Headspace. Days where they have guided meditations. So somebody to like guide you and tell you what you need to do. And you know, help you, you know, come back to your breath if you start if you, you know, kind of forget and you kind of wander off here. But that was the big thing for me that was one of the first things I started doing my morning routine was I would just wake up and meditate for 10 minutes. And anybody can meditate is also lots of different ways to meditate, too. So like, I know a lot of people, like meditating for them are not a lot, but like some people meditating for them could be something like, like cross stitching, like, that's honestly, one that's like for my wife, she won't sit there and meditate. But like that, for her is like meditation and eye color. Yeah, and that's another one too, because you're just being in the present with myself. You're not on your phone. Yeah, you're not trying to complete tasks, but you're just doing something for yourself. So yeah, whether it's that or, you know, trying out different or different guided meditations. But also another disclaimer, this won't do anything overnight, or probably even the first week. And I can't reference a study because I can't remember, but to feel the full impacts of meditation, it takes eight weeks of consistently meditating. So you might think, Oh, it's so long to be able to find anything, but it's actually a really cool thing. Because if you start doing it for two or three weeks, you start to feel something like, it's only gonna get better from here. So I guess, optimistic mind. But the other way to think I think, yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 22:19

no, I love that. And guided meditations now from they helped me in the beginning, as well. And I even offer up a suggestion for people to have a sitting meditation where they just are so present in the moment, all they do is they're looking at everything on their desk, or wherever they are, just noticing the colors, noticing the green of the desk, that is a meditation. And what we're talking about is mindfulness and being here now. And when people are anxious, I usually think about anxiety, also is like going into the future or what you know, anticipating what someone's thinking or what might happen. And then I think about sadness and depression and, and like the past, like ruminating over the past, oh my God, I wish I'd done that differently. And when we're in those two spaces, actually, I think I just referenced this in another interview. But it it's, it should be repeated. Let's bring ourselves into that moment of centeredness where we can look at where we are now. And we're not in those two spaces of anxiety or sadness or depression. So it sounds like you've really mastered that as a matter of fact, when we first started I could tell you had just finished meditating because you're so calm and I just finished working out and I was all jacked up

Kyle Mitchell: 23:35

Yes, I didn't meditate.

Nicoa Coach: 23:38

So tell us about the importance for you. You mentioned that your morning routine is really important to you. Can you would you mind sharing that with us or giving us some insights about a morning routine?

Kyle Mitchell: 23:51

Yeah 100% morning routines have legitimately changed my life for the better. I will never stop doing them. Not saying I won't ever miss a day because I'm human. I'm not perfect but we'll never stop doing morning routines because it's I honestly see it as like a way to like kind of charge your battery. So like we all have, I see it was like this we all have this kind of like battery in our head so to speak. And it's a really wait good way to like get that charged up in the morning. And also to get like your mind just prepared for the day. Because I think most people just jump right into the day. Which is what I used to do I used to just when I wake up go pick up my kids and then get in all that craziness and I gotta go do this. This This and this. Instead now I'm spending you know the first probably hour or I'm just with me I am by myself this is total me time so what I'll do when here's a recently added practice into my routine that I've been doing for about six months or so. First thing in the morning and I love doing this face is so hard to do and so uncomfortable. So that's what really like fires me up to do it every morning but is to just jump in the ice bath and sit for two minutes. Nicoa Have you tried it?

Nicoa Coach: 25:18

I have not. I did a cryo therapy thing once and it was cool literally. I haven't done the ice bath. I've tried to shower I'm sorry but at night into it yeah. Tell me what it does for you. Oh,

Kyle Mitchell: 25:32

the showers rough. Yeah. The showers. I liked the bath better, but um, it's just getting a nice bath sitting there for two minutes. And then you hop back out and I can't really explain it. I know this like you're awake. I know some science. Yeah, I mean, you are awake, your dopamine, you get all this natural dopamine jacked up in your system, you just feel amazing. Every time you jump out of it, it is never want to get in it. But every time I get out, I'm like, glad I got in. So that's how I start my morning. And then after that, I'll go meditate for 10 minutes. And I still use guided meditations. And then from there, I'll do a gratitude journal will I'll just write five things that I'm grateful for relevant to the past 24 hours, which was a little side tip I got from our friend Jeremy. Just because yeah, to keep it fresh. Because so easy to just be like, grateful for my wife, my kids, my house, you know, that type of thing. Which obviously, yeah, I'm grateful for all that stuff, but kind of gets stale, and it kind of loses its flavor. But if I keep it like within the past 24 hours, it's like showing my brain I have things to be grateful for every single day, and they're always different. So that's really helpful. And then another one that I've recently added in was just journaling. Nothing super structured, just simply just writing my thoughts out. So this could be a whole lot could be not that much at all. But I started doing this. Not too long ago, I guess it's like during the, during the pandemic, that seems like a long time ago, I don't know. It's probably like a year ago, yeah, I was going through like some a little bit of a mental distress and just not feeling good having like, all these thoughts, and these were ones that I could not figure out how to work through. And so I just started just writing them out, just writing everything that I was thinking exactly how I was feeling. And started noticing it's making me feel like a lot better. Like, ah, I'm in control, instead of my thoughts, being in control of something about putting those thoughts on the paper and writing out how you feel on paper that is just like, such a release, it's kind of like the same thing is, you know, going in seeing the therapist and talking to them. I find it very similar. It's because, you know, they also the journal is not talking back to you. But it's just being able to express that, you know, release that emotional burden. You're letting

Nicoa Coach: 28:16

the journal hold it for you just like the the counselor or the coach is holding space for you. And, and you know, a lot of people wake up at 3am. And they can't get their mind to stop. And that is the first recommendation I have for them. I'm either like well, one, either wake up and get up. Just get up, quit making being awake mean something, and just get up and go deal with whatever it is you're worried about. Or to get up, write it down. And then you're letting it go. So you can get back to sleep. Yeah, those are great tips. Is there any additional morning piece of your routine other than of course, your coffee?

Kyle Mitchell: 28:56

Other than the coffee? No, as of right now. I mean, I'm changing it. Not all the time. But pretty frequently. I'm always trying to add in anytime I hear about something new. Oh my God, I want to try that out. See All right. Yes, sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. And everything. Nothing's a one size fits all.

Nicoa Coach: 29:15

That's right flexibility and listening to your body and how you feel in the moment to you know, and asking the questions. Is this what I want? What do I want? Is this helping me get what I want. So this is a good time, I think take a quick break. And then when we come back, I want to dig a little deeper into how you have held yourself accountable, and how you're taking that personal practice and sharing that with teens in the use of today. Sounds good. Sounds good.

Unknown: 29:48

We hope you're enjoying listening to this episode of Coffee with Nicoa. Make sure to subscribe so that you never miss an episode and follow Coffee with Nicoa on Instagram to find inspiring content that will help you begin creating your life by design.

Nicoa Coach: 30:03

Okay, we're back. And as I tell people, we were usually having a little dance break there. We didn't have time for an ice bath. But

Kyle Mitchell: 30:13

thanks. Next.

Nicoa Coach: 30:15

Okay, Kyle, talk to me a little bit more about where you are now and how you've gotten this practice to get you to your life by design and helping others.

Kyle Mitchell: 30:27

This apraxia mean by like morning routines specific Yeah,

Nicoa Coach: 30:31

and and the three practices that you've talked about, you know, showering yourself with self love and doing that continuous challenge. How have you gotten yourself sustained out of that moment? Those moments of anxiety now? And how are you taking that lessons learned to the teenagers in the youth up today?

Kyle Mitchell: 30:51

Yeah, so it's all just been about building, I think it's addicting, once you start going, there's something about just doing things that are uncomfortable that most people won't do. That is just really intriguing to me and makes me want to do them now. Maybe wasn't, wasn't the case when I first started, but now it's just like, oh, seems really hard. But no one else was probably this, oh, I can't wait to do something about it, and be able to complete that. And, you know, how good it feels to do knowing like, oh, I went out and did this. And so that's what I just go to, you know, different schools and to events and stuff. And that's what I tell the young people now, you know, the teenagers, the, you know, the college students is, I take them through these three steps, and I help them, I have them take action on each of these steps throughout the talk that I give, you know, maybe not actually performing it, but I get there, I get their, their minds rolling, you know, the snowball rolling, so to speak, in, okay, what's, what's the self affirmation that you're going to use this week? You know, what's, what's an incorrigible challenge? Oh, you can't think of one, okay, let me help you try to figure out one. And so you know, give different examples, because everybody's different, I can't give you one example and be like, This is what you should do. Because it may be too small challenge, maybe too big of a challenge. But I mean, it can be something as simple as you know, I'll steal from Jeremy but waving it 10 People, strangers on the street, told me about that one. Or it can be something as wild as I like to get myself prepared for my TED Talk. One of the things that I did once I had it all written it out, and I was had it all good to go is we have this, what's called a walking bridge. It's like this giant bridge that connects Indiana to Kentucky. It's a mile long. And there's people on it all the time. So what I did was I me know, I was thinking I'd sign over here, but I, but I bought these two poster boards, and then attach them by suspenders. And that said on there, like, hey, I want to practice my TED Talk, follow me to the midpoint of the bridge. And you know, listen to me give my TED Talk. And so I walked all the way to the middle. And then yeah, and then I gave a TED talk to a few random people, which was fun. And it was also it was also a good practice session, because there's also like people like whizzing by on bikes while I'm giving this talk. And, of course, people are walking by like, Who is this guy? And what is he doing type of thing? So yeah, there's a huge range. And so mine, just, you know, mine and yours will continue to get bigger and bigger and bigger, which is, you know, go outside your comfort zone, if you stretch that, that's just the growth zone. So make that bigger and bigger. Oh, my God, it's fun. And then, you know, finding different ways to reward yourself. Yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 33:59

Well, do you get pushback from these teenagers? I mean, as you know, you've got three kids, or they're a bit younger, right? But my my kids at range from 25 to 17. And I've seen some of them have some social anxiety. And in the examples of like, I'm not going to pick up the phone and call that person or Yeah, I could have gone and met somebody in person that I'm going to be working with this summer, but I didn't do it because I figure I'll meet them the summer. I'm like, Oh my gosh, they were right there and you could have met them. So all these avoidance and coping mechanisms to avoid the anxious feeling. Do they push back and I don't know should we just keep using those coping mechanisms or how can you get them to get over the hump these teenagers?

Kyle Mitchell: 34:46

Yeah, no, it's it's definitely a struggle. I think it's just realizing kind of what you just said that that's a coping mechanism. That's that's anxiety controlling your life that's anxiety making decisions for you. You're not living a life by design, right? I mean, that's 100% Anxiety is in control for you. Yeah, and you're doing that if you want but if you're gonna, you're gonna want to get in control of your own life. I mean, I know you do. So if you want to let's let's start now. Forget weights, right. So much easier to do when you're younger.

Nicoa Coach: 35:23

I have to say I sometimes look at those those coping mechanisms of the youth of today And I do worry, I try to not extrapolate that, oh, they're going to stay in their home forever and never go outside or there. And I know that's not likely the case. And each person's got to figure out what the cost is to them. So the good news is, is that when they are young, when you're talking to them, maybe you're giving them that, that special permission to say, Oh, I'm like him. You know, he, he's like me, and I can relate to that.

Kyle Mitchell: 36:00

Yeah, I'm telling my story from when you know why when I was their age, plus, I still kind of look their age. So at least people telling me

Nicoa Coach: 36:10

do look pretty young, I have three kids. Well, let me ask you another important question about this process of healing for people and getting these new skills and practices in place. Do you think it's important to go back and understand why we have social anxiety? Or do you think it's more important to just say, Okay, what do I want now moving forward? Or is it both?

Kyle Mitchell: 36:38

I think it's both. I think it can be helpful. I guess, it depends on why social anxiety has come up for you. Like, for me, I don't like I kind of examined it. Like for myself, it wasn't super helpful for me. But if it's like stemming from like, some, like serious trauma that like you need to process and deal with, then yes, you need to look back with that probably with the therapists and really understand that process, and then move past it. Not that it ever goes away. But don't let the the impact of it will be much smaller. So I think that's very important. But a lot of times, it can be hard to even figure out what that even is. I mean, mine is just a total guess. I don't even really know. I mean, from what I what I can tell, like, I've just struggled with social anxiety ever since I was a little kid. I mean, I can remember, like, I'll tell you my theory. When I was in kindergarten, we, you know, everybody, like dressed in jeans and T shirts. And for whatever reason my parents dressed me and, like, church clothes, so to speak, I guess, you know, I had like khaki pants on like a polo shirt. I don't know why they did that. But yeah, you know, they had me dressed. And so I was I was just pretty differently from everybody else. And I don't remember this, like, particularly having a negative impact and like how people treated me or anything, except on the last day of school. My parents let me you know, wear whatever I wanted. And I remember being unreal, at recess on the playground. And I remember somebody coming up to me, and being like, Hey, you want to come help us, you know, save the princess fight the dragon, whatever, whatever game we're playing. And I remember thinking as a six year old, this is weird. They never asked me to play before. And I just thought like that, that would make total sense of like, that's kind of what it stemmed from was like, I kind of had like social negative impacts from people because I felt uncomfortable being different from everyone else. And that's kind of where it all stemmed from. I just kind of kind of funny to think about, I guess, but, ya

Nicoa Coach: 38:52

know, that's actually spot on. And when you felt more comfortable in what you were wearing, you were more authentic to who you were. And that energy attracted some people to go, Hey, come play. Right. So I, I do work around rapid transformational therapy, which takes you back to scenes from your youth that can be completely innocuous, you would have assumed, but they're having a big impact on your way of thinking about the world and your belief system. So I think you if that's the scene and the memory that pops up for you, it's likely the truth. It's likely the truth. No, I love that. You shared that. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Well talk to me about next steps. So you've got a book coming out, and people can go listen to your podcast. You know, is there anything else you're working on? Give us the spiel of all things. Kyle Mitchell right now.

Kyle Mitchell: 39:48

Sure. So I mean, first and foremost is the book for sure. Because it comes out this week, which I don't know when this is out, but it'll be out March 31. So I assume it'll be out by the time this is out. Yeah. And then that's called Tim is to feel less anxious how to be proactive with your mental health and anxiety, which is basically just a blueprint for creating a morning routine. It's not a one size fits all morning routine. It's how do you create a morning routine that works really well for you? And basically, like takes you through all the common misconceptions and all the mistakes that I made doing it so you can avoid all that so you can kind of get more efficient With the type of thing. So that's really what up in pushing and working on. And then outside of that just been building on the YouTube, check out the YouTube channel. I have so much fun doing YouTube content. So that's been a lot of fun. You do a great job of it, too. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah.

Nicoa Coach: 40:52

And is it in your YouTube also called social anxiety? Kyle?

Kyle Mitchell: 40:57

Yes, social anxiety.

Nicoa Coach: 41:00

And people can actually go to feel less anxious.com To order the book. It's a preorder. Well, by the time like you said, it'll probably be out. And what's the name of your TED Talk? In case people would like to go listen to that?

Kyle Mitchell: 41:14

I should probably know the name of it. Yeah, that'll work.

Nicoa Coach: 41:25

That works. I renamed.

Kyle Mitchell: 41:26

I just remembered it. I also remembered. Oh, good. It's a social anxiety, the silent pandemic that needs a louder voice.

Nicoa Coach: 41:36

Oh, that's perfect. That good memory? Yeah. Well, if you were gonna give some advice, based on your own personal just lessons learned to be to reassure that teenager listening today or even that 50 year old who is afraid to engage in a board meeting, right? What advice would you give them? And reassurance? Could you give them Kyle?

Kyle Mitchell: 42:10

Hmm. So I guess, I don't even know if this really advice, but it's just like, a good piece of knowledge to just have in your head. And that is that nobody really cares. Nobody cares what you're doing or saying, or just anything, no one is even paying attention to you. It's all it's 99% of it is in your head. So just remember that and then just kind of bite the bullet and just take that little leap. Promise, it'll be worth it. And just continuing to do that. And just reminding yourself like, nobody cares. Nobody cares more than you do. You are the one that's putting all the care and pressure and anxiety on yourself. And you just got to remember that. And just just keep going forward, take that step, just keep going. Take little baby steps.

Nicoa Coach: 43:09

Absolutely, absolutely. And you know, I always say act as if, right, because nobody really does care. But they might care if you're sitting in the board meeting and you say nothing. So it's really motivating to speak up. And so if if you want something, go for it, and I'm really proud of you and impressed by you and our engagement over the last few years. And because I can I know that this I mean, even doing a podcast still creates anxiety, it still makes you a little bit nervous. And someone told me the other day that there is no scientific difference between, like regular stress, and what's called you stress, eu STR ESS. And that's like, the anxiety you get right before like doing something you want to do like an excitement, or it motivates you to do something, but your body is having the same experience. So the only difference is the thought. And the power of the thought helps you either do that with ease, or do that with anxiety. So I really think you have demonstrated that you can learn how to do it with ease by working through the anxiety.

Kyle Mitchell: 44:22

Yeah. 100%. Well, I

Nicoa Coach: 44:25

want to thank you for being my guest. And is there anything else you want to share? Are we ready to wrap it up?

Kyle Mitchell: 44:34

No, I don't think so. But yeah, thank you for having me.

Nicoa Coach: 44:37

Of course. And I really I can see the book behind you. And I can also see is that Steve? Who is that? Front the guy from the office.

Kyle Mitchell: 44:48

Steve Carell, Michael Scott prison. Yes, he

Nicoa Coach: 44:52

looks hilarious. You make me happy. I love the background. And it sounds to me like you and I can walk away from this today, remembering that we are enough that self love and showering ourselves with self love is a practice that's critical. And taking those uncomfortable anxious baby steps is going to get you through to the to the vision of the life that you really want that life by design. And don't forget, celebrate and reward yourself along the way. So everybody go check out the book and please share this, this podcast with anybody that you think is suffering from any type of anxiety. And especially please share it with all your kids. because they need to know that they're normal. And this too shall pass and they can overcome it. And if they need help, they can call Kyle Mitchell. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Unknown: 45:44

Thanks for joining us for a caffeinated conversation. Subscribe to Coffee with Nicoa for more stories from people living a life by design, you can also find inspiration on Instagram. Just follow coffee with Nicola and check out our website Coffee with nicoa.com and that's Nicoa N IC O A. We look forward to talking with you soon. And enjoy your coffee between now and then.